Poem in conjunction of ‘Hari Barang Naik’… (too free at work today)
If you have your own poem, please contribute also.

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Menteri negara boros dan sombong
Kuat merepek bercakap kosong
Tipu rakyat negara lingkup
padahalnya duit makan tak cukup

Masuk poket subsidi potong
Minyak, gas, buku dan gula
Kerja tak buat banyak kelentong
Dahlah bodoh nak malas pula

*I am too free at work today. Feel like writing*

If you have a daughter of your own, then you probably might have heard of ‘Disney Princess’. If you don’t, well, it’s basically Disney’s franchised group of selected good looking Disney female characters from its popular range of animated movies. They are
- Cinderella from ‘Cinderella’
- Snow White from ‘Snow White’
- Ariel from ‘The Little Mermaid’
- Jasmine from ‘Aladdin’
- Pocahontas from ‘Pocahontas’
- Belle from ‘Beauty and the Beast’

Might have left out one or two, but that’s what I know.

My Regine is about to celebrate her 4th birthday soon at her nursery, and we brought her along to pick her favorite cake design yesterday. As expected, she picked ‘Belle’ amongst the bunch of princesses, simply because Belle was the only one who wears a yellow dress, which is her favorite color.

And then it got me thinking, what if I were given the privilege to pick one of the princesses for myself (you know…)? Who would I choose? For me, it wouldn’t be as simple as to pick the one who wears my favorite color, because daddy has a different agenda when it comes to selecting girls. So who would I choose? Let’s assess…

Cinderella
Good looks, handy housekeeper, and pleasant demeanor. Good singing voice thrown in as a bonus. But her animal friends (especially the mice) are going to be a drag though. The animals are going to mess up the house with piss and poo all over, and I know I won’t be able to put up with that and the possibility of contracting rabies. I’d also hate to have those animals looking at me like I’m a goddamn gladiator cum entertainer when I’m porking Cinderella.

Snow White
Well, she’s a known handy housekeeper too. That is probably the only good thing about her. Her tacky name’s definitely gonna be embarrassing, coupled with the daunting possibility of people asking if she might have been shagged by those filthy miner dwarves. But that’s not the main cockblock. The main cockblock would have to be her fucking annoying shrilly voice. Man it’s going to creep the fuck out of me. I’m sure no one would be able to stand her spontaneous break into bad singing, which no doubt would lead to a possible homicide (if not suicide).

Ariel
Flat chested, scrawny, lower half a fish. If I hook up with her, it will be the bizarrest shit ever. I’m going to be the talk of the town. I can’t imagine how our sex life would be. My dick’s going to get all these scratches (and infections) from chafing her scaly vagina, and the salty sea water’s going to make the pain unbearable. And if I ever make her unhappy, her beefcakey father of hers is going to make sure I’m a dead meat by shoving my ass with that giant trident of his.

Jasmine
I don’t remember seeing her do any housework before (from the movie). From her lushy eyebrows and thick hair, I reckon she also has an unshaved thick bush as well (probably even armpit hairs). Well that’s going to be a turn off. I hate to imagine the experience of deflowering her the first time will be like trying to spelunk a cave overgrown with thick black moss. Probably going to find ticks as big as a camel’s testicle inside, no shit.

Pocahontas
Too serious-y face. Having to put up with the grim fact of having tribals as your in-laws. Superstitious as hell. Has the tendency to hear inanimate objects talk. That could lead to some really weird situation like: “The wall just told me that you watched some porn when I was away yesterday, care to explain?”. She’s likely going to be sleazy as well – having living in a jungle with animals all her life.

Belle
Handy housekeeper, good looking, well endowed. The only thing about her is the fact that she digs bestiality. If she can’t find an animal to have sex with, she’s probably going to be very demanding in sex. She would want her sex to be aggressive, probably venturing a little into the territory of sadomasochism as well, if not a threesome with your neighbor’s Labrador.

*****

If I have to choose one anyway with a gun in my head, I’d likely go for Jasmine. I’d invest in a high quality electric shaver, pay the service of a skin specialist (to get rid of her crabs) and hire a fucking maid, to put up with her shortcomings.

Felt like expressing myself this morning…

Manager approaches Mike the waiter, who is working on something at the restaurant,

Manager: “Mike, just wanted to let you know that I’ve fired Arun the janitor. In case you’re wondering why he doesn’t show up today…”

Mike: “What?? Why did you do that?”

Manager: “Cost reduction initiatives. He has to go.”

Mike: “Then who is going to sweep the joint, clean up the toilets and empty the trash cans everyday?”

Manager: “Errr, you mean, he had been doing all that?”

Mike: “Don’t you know that? He’s also the sole person in-charge of washing the dishes.”

Manager: “Oh crap… I didn’t know that… Can you guys cover his job then?”

Mike: “Then who’s going to wait the tables? You, Manager?”

Manager: “Hmmm let me think this through… I’ll get back to you on this…”

An hour later…

Manager: “I think I have plan. We sub-contract the janitorial job out to a third party service, how’s that?”

Mike: “So, you fired the janitor, and now you want to sub-contract out his chores to a third party service?”

Manager: “What’s wrong with that?”

Mike: “Don’t you reckon that it’s still way cheaper and easier to hire back Arun for this?”

Manager: “No it’s our HR policy. We can’t get Arun back once he is out. And our headcount is frozen, we can’t hire a new one either. We have to stick to the plan. I’m going to assign you this project. It will be a good opportunity for you to improve yourself.”

Stress veins start to pop up on Mike’s head. He removes his apron, and lunges at the manager. Then he uses the apron to strangle the manager till he is choking for breath and takes out one of his handy ball point pen, and repeatedly stabs the manager in the face until he is no longer moving.

Mike the waiter then lives happily and peacefully ever after inside the prison.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- a fair skinned lass with straight hair
- well built
- slightly protruding 2 upper incisors
- 5 ft 2 to 5 ft 4
- mid 20′s.

Problem statement
‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ on a female subject could reverse any delectable appeal (if exist) of that person and cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
- Subject was a relatively young and well built female of Chinese descent.
- Eyes moderately sized. Hair was straight. No piercing / artificial modification visible.
- Gravity test yielded marginal pass – moderate sized mammary glands.
- Subject was wearing a tight fitting denim pants, accentuating the derriere region.
- Subject appears to be affected with ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’.
- No other anomaly observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ (JCS) – a condition where the inner thigh on both legs of a human subject do not come in contact with one another, resulting a noticeable ‘gap’ in between the legs. The symptom could be due to deformed bone structure, the lack of muscle/fat tissue on both inner thighs or abnormally large vagina.
- Deformation of bone structure could be due to an underlying bone disease, or a prolonged period of subjecting to unnatural postures such as riding a giant horse, a giant bike or a giant tree trunk (or any phallic shaped structure).
- Lack of muscle/fat tissue on both the inner thighs is usually attributed to malnutrition.
- Abnormally large vagina could be due to mutation from an underlying genetic disease, or a prolonged exposure of vagina to radioactive rays from a radioactive material.
- The size of gap is inversely proportional with the attractiveness rating of a subject – the bigger the gap, the less attractive the person is. Side effects to gawker include (but not limited to) – difficulty in breathing, asthmatic attack, insomnia, nausea, temporary blindness and for some terminal cases, permanent brain damage.

Corrective Action(s)
a) Wear long skirts to veil the symptom.
Upside: Immediate/quick solution. Natural outlook.
Downside: Not permanent. Not chic. Exposure to fleas from ground.

b) Silicone/saline bag implants to fill up the gap.
Upside: Permanent solution.
Downside: Expensive. Risk of infection. Unnatural outlook.

c) Amputation of both legs.
Upside: Permanent solution. Disability benefits. 50% reduction of cuticles.
Downside: Expensive. Immobility. Height reduction.

End of report.