Hey Santa,
I never believed that you existed. That’s because I’ve never really seen you. Yeah, I’ve seen heaps of your clones at shopping malls wearing fake beards but I have always known that they’re fake. (what they think I’m fucking stupid or something?). And that’s as far as what I can go about this whole Santa Clause business.

Though you may be myth, but I have to shamefully admit, that I’ve always marvelled at the idea about you giving out stuffs for free to everyone (if they’ve been behaving themselves… that is). I mean, how cool can that be? You must be goddamn rich. Nowadays, you don’t get free stuffs around anymore, save for of course, those annoying porn spams and discount flyers in both our email and physical mailbox. Fucking hell.

Anyway, I was thinking on the other day, like, what if you REALLY EXISTED all these while and but I haven’t been redeeming something from you for Christmas? That’ll surely be a mistake too great to bear. I certainly do not want to miss such a chance… and hence, I’m doing this -

I’m telling you what I want for Christmas.

Don’t worry about that bit of me being a good/bad boy. With 28 years’ stint of unclaimed requests, it is already out of the question whether I’m qualified to be able to get what I want. In addition to that, I’m also willing to trade my whole lifetime’s Christmas gift into this deal … FIVE ITEMS FOR ME this Christmas, and you needn’t have to worry about me EVER again. I’m gonna fucking leave you alone after this.

How bout that, big guy?

(and if you can do some math, you’d figure that this could be the best for both of us in the long run.)

Alright, I’m not gonna waste any-fucking-more of your time. Here are the stuffs that I want, you make the call:

(well, actually I want lots of money above all stuffs, but being a considerate person, I understand that it isn’t really a plausible request as that would skew the economic balance of my country… so, I’d make some realistic requests instead)

1) My Canon 350D’s kit lens sucks. Its saturation and focus aren’t performing well enough for me. I’ve been doing some research, and figured that it would be best for me to fit in a Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8 L USM Lens into my camera. That would be a perfect Christmas gift.

2) And a Speedlite 580EX flash to go along with that piece of awesome lens? It’ll be my best Christmas ever.

3) I’d love to see Lorraine gliding with a set of 17 inch Enkei wheels. Something like SC03. Ooh yeah…

4) Say, if you can wave a Jedi mind trick to my department head and influence him to authorize a fuel subsidy for my car, that’ll be awesome.

5) Everyone ought to have an altruistic wish … such as world peace, cure for cancer or something like that. So, I’m going to make one also - I ask for your blessing to those who reads my blog, to be able to achieve 10 minutes worth of orgasm EVERYTIME they have sex. (well hell, if you’re reading this entry, that very well includes yourself too. Shagging Rudolph would never be the same again for you! Talk about mutual advantage… goddamn I’m good!)

There. 5 of them. Just give it a thorough consideration and email me. We’ll talk. Cheers.

My comment on the previous entry got me thinking, how it’s going to be like …if one of those poo brain directors were to actually own a blog? Hell, I did my ex-boss Rob before… a fictional blog as himself. Got quite popular, but then I wasn’t free enough to maintain it and eventually had it shut down. The bad part about the whole thing was, I didn’t save all the archives for future reference… so all was lost with my delete button.

But I can still imagine how it’s going to be … if one of them were to ACTUALLY blog. It’s quite possible… really. Afterall, they don’t have much things to do but to sit in front of their desk pretending to save the fucking world.

Here’s my take on it…

~~~~~

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #1

I was in a meeting today with other core team members - supposedly, we were there to meet up to discuss about some really really bad & serious problem. But throughout the meeting, I couldn’t seem to register a thing they said. What projection? What percentage? What upper lower control limit? I’m totally lost. So I feigned the ‘thinker’ pose that Brutus the VP had always taught me. It worked fine alright… until that smartass engineer who hailed the name Michael asked for my opinion.

Like… did I hire him to ask for opinions??? Why would he need my opinion??? These young engineers - they can’t be depended upon. Spoilt dicks. So I gave him an opinion. A standard opinion. “It’s good to see that we’ll be able to synergize our strategies in working towards a win-win situation and a better future.” [it was Brutus' idea again. Always make up your sentences with these 4 words in all your communications directed to your employees : Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win, Future]

I see confused looks but hey… it worked again. They moved to another agenda. Phewwwww!!! Being somebody’s boss is never easy I tell you.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #2

Man, I hate that engineer Michael. I wonder what is wrong with that prick… why he kept stepping on my tail??? So what if his black car is shinier than mine? So what if he looks better than I am? He’s just a fucking engineer. Look at him… stupid long hair with the sideburns… BAH! Sideburns are so yesterday .. ok? YESTERDAY. Today, the fad is about being bald [like me, hahaha]. If only he could figure that out.

And oh, blue jeans. Chuckles. That’s so dumb ok? When you’re about standard, white long sleeved cotton shirt is the wayyy of the execs. It’s the metaphor of a man’s success and wealth… and girls dig successful men. Top it up with my Larry’s classics, FUHHHH… I’m sizzling, ok?
(Oh one thing about that white cotton shirt. When you’re in it, you wouldn’t be able to slurp soy or curry based noodles anymore for fear of spots…)

Well, let’s hope he doesn’t do any mistake… for I will axe him out of my organization. But first, I got to spend more time to understand what his work is all about … hmmmm…

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #3

I was out with Brutus the VP for golf today. Boy do I hate golf. Brutus said he hated golf too… but he said a successful leader without a golf club… is like a samurai without his blade. Or a hyena that frowns all day. Whatever. So, we have no choice but to go the way of the warrior - we play golf.

It is on these green golf courses, that businesses are discussed and alliances are forged… a place where big boys like us dress up like dorks to talk about high level stuffs. If you look it at an angle, it’s not entirely a bad thing really… but what peeved me the most, is that they don’t have enough chicks on golf courses. I’m beginning to suspect this is all a gay thing.

Perhaps I’m just jealous of the engineers - who gets to frolic around with scantily dressed bimbos at those young people clubs and all that. *pouts*

Sheesh… I think I’m gonna even that up by announcing a budget freeze tomorrow. Serves them right for having too much fun.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #4

Shit, it’s really tough to get people to work. My admin girl Lola was on medical today, and I had to get a set of really important documents photocopied. I tried to look for someone to help me out… as I’m too tied up replying emails from Brutus pertaining the missing golf balls that day. But everybody seems to be missing.

I tried to look up and down the office, but to no avail. Finally, I manage to stumble into a fat Indian lady who was holding a mop (one of our company products, I presume…). I asked for her help to get those set of documents photocopied… but instead of helping me, she yelled at me “PHOR DAHHH!!!” and continue to mop the floor. What kind of attitude was that???

In the end, I had to do it myself. Can you imagine that? Me as a director, had to photocopy my own documents! What kind of world has the world becometh? CheeBye. Took me an hour to figure out how to operate that stupid photocopier. Why can’t they make photocopiers to be as simple as a torchlight? Just point at document and flip a switch and you’ll get a duplicate copy. Told ya, engineers like to make things complicated. Arrghh!!!

I think I’m gonna freeze the budget for the entire year…

~~~~~

ahh~ my imaginations…

Note: The work above is purely fictional. Any similarity of characters to any living person on this planet is purely coincidental. And no, I do not have problems with my current boss. Yet.

PS: Mannn I still can’t get over the fact that I’ve lost those 5 comments from my previous post. Those were some really good comments… especially the one keyed by a guy called “tulan”. Whoever you are, so sorry bout that dude.

I posted this story before in the forum… but I’m posting it here again because today’s a very special day…

~~~~~

there’s a philipino maid. she works for a chinese family. she doesn’t speak malay or chinese .. so, she usually converse in English with her employers.

one day, the mistress wanted her to buy a piece of shrimp cake (belacan) from a nearby store. So, she went on her way to comply with her mistress’ request — to buy a piece of belacan

But she got a problem. The shopkeeper doesn’t understand what she wanted to buy when she told him “shrimp cake”. She tried her best to show him with all sorts of hand signals… but to no success.

Then, the philipino maid got an idea. She stuck her hand into her private part … and scrubbed it against the smelliest part of her labium…. then stuck her tainted finger under the shopkeeper’s nostril.

Immediately, the shopkeeper realized what she wanted to buy “OOOOOOOOOOO BELACAN SI BOOOH ? Say lar early early ..”

~~~~~

Story courtesy of my late old man (told to me when I was barely 16). Today’s his birthday… & I missed that bugger.

originally posted on May 19 2004. This is a repost. I’m too tired to blog today.

*****
*my first sex .. so, it will of course be a lonnnnggg and explicitly detailed post… underaged boys and girls…..stay out ! Adults — read at your own discretion…

She’s 17 and so am I. How did I meet her ? Well, I met her in a pub. It was Modesto’s By the Sea .. I can still remember. She was tall … had long flowy hairs, and a pair of jugs that would make lots of girls envy (alright, the size is 34C .. I later found out).

She was with her bunch of lesbian friends doing macarena on the dancefloor — sported with a white tube — and I was with another friend (male lah..). When I first saw her, I immediately knew that I got to get this girl. She got a figure of an angel … and looked so effervescently gorgeous. Sharp eyes, high cheeks, fair complexion… as if it’s made in Japan.

I made my move by offering to buy her drinks (you know … the standard old corny trick), which she accepted. She acted haughty at first, but after charming her with a few of my stupid jokes, she finally accepted me as her chatting partner (that sort of shit). She even introduced me to some of her lesbian buddies and we drank together. Well… they’re all kinda nice .. you know … lots of laughter and all that.

We drank together for quite a while, until suddenly, she told me that she wanted to have a walk on the beach to get some air. Well, without waiting, I volunteered to accompany her (being in a crocodile mood I am..) to the night beach …

Apparently, she told me that she is allergic to beers and had developed some rashes on her cheeks — which was why she wanted to get some air to cool it down. We walked and chatted for 20 minutes … enjoying each other’s company … when she suddenly asked me if I can do her a favour. She told me that almost all of her buddies are drunk… and none of them would be able to drive back to their rented apartment that night … hence, she would like my help to drive all of them home.

Well, not wanting to disappoint a lovely face, I agreed to help her out. It wasn’t long before all of her buddies came out from the pub and headed to the car, all half drunk. I asked my friend to drive close from behind and fetch me home after I’ve delivered the girls. Then, I drove her Volvo 240 along with 5 half-inebriated girls (including herself) back to their apartment. She was the one who’s sitting in front with me (to guide me maa…) and the rest slept at the rear seat.

I was driving in one particular stretch of road when she suddenly asked me to turn left into a junction. With a fast reflex, I yanked the steering to make a last minute turn … which made her throw towards my direction (G-force maa..) as she wasn’t wearing the seatbelt. I accidentally touched her boobs in the process (which I admit it felt kinda nice…) and that’s when something funny going on. We sort of like “clicked” to each other there …and automatically embraced. From that moment, I know … I’ve got a field full of golden corn to harvest that night.

After I’ve parked the car, I ran out to inform my friend to leave me be … and I returned back to the girls. I accompanied them up to their apartment and remained there. I don’t know why I did that but, it was as if some voice from heaven told me to stay. All the girls (incl. herself) then went into one of their bedroom to crash … a couple of them to the toilet to york out their alcoholic biles. I was left alone in their living room, and so, I helped myself with some cold water from the fridge while checking out the place.

About a couple of minutes later, she came out from her bedroom and gave me a tight hug. I don’t fucking know what’s that all about but … I believe, that’s probably the reason why I stayed. We then kissed each other (it was one of the sweetest kiss I’ve ever encountered..) and started to ascend into the direction of her room. Right at that time, my heart was practically palpitating like mad … pumping high pressured blood into my entire body … and made me burn in fire. This is my first time of doing such co-curricular activity with a girl … a great looking girl in this case … almost a total stranger … and definitely, for my juvenile mind, was something I’d never dreamt of doing. I was feeling both scared and curious at the same time … damn … it’s so hard to describe.

It wasn’t long before we closed the door behind us and crashed onto her soft bed. Being an inexperienced bloke at that time, I just do not know how to proceed .. but to dive straight into her promising boobs, with the clothes on. I was sort of clumsy needless to say … and was satisfying my perversion by just frolicking around her Triumph bra (I loosed her tube without problem)…. and kissed her … and frolic … and kiss … frolic … kiss … until it was as boring as watching moss grow on a sloth’s dick.

It was then I decided to get more adventurous. I attempted to unhook her bra and wanted to check out how the wonderful pair of exotic milk container would look like without it’s cover. But I have a problem. Never had done anything like this before, I could not get her bra to unhook … I almost cussed out loud when the passion was about to turn into frustration … until she helped me to unhook them. It was like opening a heavy lid of a treasure chest… revealing a heapful of sparkling jewel inside. The very sight of her asset was ecstatic. Never had I seen anything so beautiful in my life … it was breathtaking … plump and pinkish …. and I started to caress her pair of ….oh my god … this is so goddamn explicit.

Anyway, we stroked and petted each other around while sliding off the rest of our dud. It felt awkward at first but, I got used to it after a while. The feeling was warm… my skin rubbing against her smooth skin .. and I was meticulous in scouring and exploring every single inch of her body. Gone were the fantasies … gone were the imagination. I found all my answers right on the same night.

Then, it came to the part where she was too hot to handle .. and was grabbing me hard on the shoulder … where she automatically positioned herself on top of me. I was inexperienced yes .. but I wasn’t stupid. I know that we’ve came to the porking point. Like what I’ve perceived all along through my friends and porn movies, I attempted to insert my plug into her lubricated socket (which smelled kinda funny..). But it was not as easy as I thought. I couldn’t get it in ! I mean, I couldn’t find the socket ! It was nowhere to be found !

I panicked at first, felt embarrassed at the same time. It was then she asked me “Your first time ?” ..which I responded by nodding. She let out a short giggle … and then began to hand guide my plug into her socket. What happened next was totally indescribable. I probably blacked out once a while but …. the humping part was splendid. For that moment, it made me forgot whatever’s going on in my world .. and I enjoyed every bit of it.

The coitus part was quite long, probably because the presence of alcohol. We were doing it with full passion though .. and I can tell that from the moans that she made. It went on for about 5 minutes … until I suddenly had a funny feel inside me. It was like a “floaty” feel .. u know … and the more “floaty” I felt, the faster my rpm goes.

It was hot as hell until to the point where I know that “the thing” is coming out from my lizard. Very fast. With a quick reflex (as always), I unplugged my jack and began to unload my nut’s contents onto her body. Like an F1 driver with a king-sized champagne on a podium, I blasted my torrent of viscous liquid starch (enriched with vitamins and minerals) all over the room. It smeared on almost everything in sight, the curtains, dressing table, her used undergarments behind the door, her pet soft-toy, windows … everything. The room looked like as if some snow storm had hit the place hard… and that’s when I realized, the harvesting season was finally over.

Not logical ? Sounded superficial ? You are right ! Coz it’s really superficial ! U think I’m really gonna blog about my “first sexperience” here ? What are you thinking man ? Who in their right mind would blog about their first sex ? COME ON …

It was all true until the part where the girl ask for my favour to fetch them home. I actually chickened out at that time. And that’s about it. (i think I mentioned this before inside Doc’s forum). The rest, I made up myself … coz I’ve got nothing to blog about today.

There’s something that I’ve always wanted to everyone here to ponder. Something that pretty much test our ability to think out of a downright confuckulated situation. It’s a scenario based on an experience encountered by a friend many years ago…

*disclaimer: the following part of the entry contain following materials - violence, sex and religious elements - which may offend certain individuals. Proceed with discretion or you can just press ALT+F4

Here it is :

Imagine yourself on a roadtrip for a business deal out of town. Somewhere say, far enough from where you live to require a night of stay-over. After a satisfying round of dinner with your client, you realized that you’ve overshot the hours and it was already late.

With haste, you excuse yourself and rushed to look for a hotel lest you’ll have no place to lodge for the night. But luck is not on your side, for all the hotels are fully booked around the town. You’ve got no other choice but to take a late night drive back to your hometown, which was like… 2.5 hours away.

No big deal, you hopped on your car and begin your looooooong drive home. It all went fine throughout a quarter of the journey, which you started to enjoy as a moment for yourself to be alone, free from the hustles of the busy corporate life and also the mind numbing gripes of your evil spouse. You started to sing along to the tunes of your favourite CD as your car glides through the dim moonlit highway.

Just as you are about to start pulling a falsetto drag on that high pitch chorus of the song, you suddenly saw something in your rear view mirror. Holy motherfuck ! A lady in white robe sitting on your rear passenger seat… her long straight hair partially obscuring her face in such a way that you could not entirely make out how she looked like. But you are able to reckon, that she looked something like Kate Moss without her makeup or Ju-On … whichever that applies…

Your heart shrank. Your anus puckered. Your blood pressure suddenly shot up high up among the stars. She then lifts her head and you can see her red pair of eyes started to focus back at you (through the rear view mirror). Then panic kicks in. You started to sweat.

OK STOP.

You’re driving on the highway in the middle of nowhere. There’s a female ghost in thick foundation with bloody eyes staring at you from your rear passenger seat. What would you do ? Please rape the commenting system.

It would be interesting to gauge for different responses…

I slapped this question to a few of my colleagues today, and they gave all sorts of interesting reply. On top of that, I threw them more dilemma as the ghost advances…

*****

Responses received so far (summarized) :

- Drive to nearest petrol station
Riggghhttt, which is 100 over km away. And I presume that you would find the pump attendants there might have the ability to banish evil spirits ? Riggghhhtt.
Response rating : F

- Try not to believe that it’s a ghost and make a confirmation by checking out the rear seat.
So, the mirror is lying. You think it’s not reflecting the real thing and have to check it out with your own eyes. And then what are you gonna do after figuring out that the mirror was right ? Scream ?
Response rating : F

- Flip mirror up and continue to drive. Ask the ghost where to drop her off.
Ok, let’s discount the fact that ghost might reappear in front of you if you flip the mirror (that’s an even bigger boner). Kinda neat way of confronting the whole thing. But to ask that ghost questions is absolutely … errr… not bright. I’ll give you a C for that.
Response rating : C

- Check yourself if got any balls. If yes, ask her out for a date and a blowjob (whatever)
This is bad. Noticed that the scenario was meant to be assessed by both sex ? Females have tits, no balls. To ask something so tragic out for a date is not only stupid but, insane as well. Let’s not even talk about fellatios…
Response rating : F

- Confirm if that Ju-On looking monster back there is really a ghost. Once confirmed, stop car and run on foot
Look, you’re driving on a highway. You see something that looked like Ju-On on your rear passenger seat… and you decide to check if it’s really a ghost, then stop the car and proceed to run on foot ? Do you think running on foot would make you go any faster ? You’re in the middle of nowhere dude. Even without that ghost, it’s still blatantly unwise to run the entire length of highway ler …
Response rating : F F F

- Ask for 4D number
Well, kinda practical. Since she’s already here right ? But that is if you’re really into gambling and is virtually indifferent to anything in this world. But what if she shook her head and pointed to your crotch ? Establishing contact with the dead is always a bad idea…
Response rating : D

- Chant religious mantra see if it helps. If not, rape ghost.
The chanting part may probably help (who knows). But the rape part is … sadistic. Omg. You deserve a quadruple F.
Response rating : F F F F

- Hump the ghost
Seriously, is there no one else on this planet left for you to pork except ghosts ? Desperate nyaaaaa….
Response rating : F

- Ask ghost if she’s sad or something… and see if your talking would comfort her
So that both of you could be friends and perhaps meet at Coffee Bean sometime in the near future ? Might be a good idea if that thing’s a good looking Japanese teenager (instead of a ghost)… Ackkkkkk.
Response rating : F

- Ask ghost if she would fly you to your lover’s window
Too much chinese romance novel. You deserve an F just for that. And another F for making a ridiculous request.
Response rating : F F

- Induce an erection and piss on ghost
An erection to piss ?? Why would you need to do that for lah ??
Response rating : F F F F F F F F F F (you’ll not only banish the ghost but the car as well)

- Verbally mock ghost with every imaginable profanities
- Bitch slap the ghost
So that you’ll aggravate her off and give her an excuse to lay waste to your ass ? That’s bright…
Response rating : F

- Ask ghost to get a life
If a ghost is able to get a life, then it’ll probably not choose to be a ghost in the first place. ACCCCCKKKK !
Response rating : F

- Wind down your windows and drive recklessly
I don’t know man, but that’s no excuse for you to drive recklessly. The ghost won’t give a fuck anyway…
Response rating : F

- Don’t worry about it since she’s not physical
I don’t know man, but that’s no excuse for you to drive recklessly. The ghost won’t give a fuck anyway…
Response rating : F

- (girls only) pluck pubic hairs to fling at ghost in hope to scare it off
Ghosts scared of pubic hairs meh ?? That’s so kinky ! And what’s the difference between male and female pubic hairs ? *puzzled* (hint: guys, remember to keep some of your girlfriend’s pubic hair in your wallet for safety reasons…)
Response rating : F

- Ignore ghost & drive to the nearest rest stop & take a nap till morning
Ignore ghost is good. Take a nap till morning ? You mean sleep ? How can you sleep in a car with a ghost sitting at the back ? Trying to entice it to do something to you while you’re most vulnerable ?
Response rating : C

- My respond : I’m afraid of no ghost. So I’ll drive on… but I’m gonna look for bomoh the next day to ‘clear’ my car. (that’s what that friend did, even though she freaked like mad). Like, what can I possibly do ? I actually told one of my enquiring readers on IM last night… if it happened to be a bigass hissing cockroach instead of a ghost, I’m gonna probably crash my car into some cliff and die together with it… Ghosts doesn’t peeve me a lot.
Afraid of no ghost - an A. Drive on ignoring ghost = cool. That’s another A. Look for bomoh the next day - brilliant ! An A. Scared of cockroach - an A because cockroach sux and they stink like Banglas. Then finally, another A for saying “Ghosts doesn’t peeve me a lot.” with an attitude.
Response rating : A A A A A - I rawk !