I’ve been itching to write something in BeeEm for quite some time. This article was written over the course of three weeks, updated it bit by bit whenever I was free enough at work & finally completed it today…

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Alkisah seorang lelaki yang bergelar Hang Vimana Bin Cicak Kobeng. Rupanya tampan bagaikan Amitabh Bachan dan badannya lasak bagaikan seekor kerbau. Akan tetapi, pada hari yang penuh trajis itu, Hang Vimaya tidaklah nampak seperti itu. Wajahnya nampak gementar, kulitnya disaluti dengan lapisan minyak yang dileleh dari liang romanya yang makin aktif… dan bau badannya hangit macam seekor lipas yang telah berendam di parit. Telah tiga puluh minit Hang Vimana menanti di kawasan rimba tersebut, di bawah terik mentari, tapi orang yang dinantikannya tidaklah sampai juga.

Apakah dia telah dibaham rimau? Ataupun ditangkap dek lanun yang berleluasa di kawasan tersebut? Mindanya mula dibanjiri dengan beratus sebab. Hang Vimana mula berasa khuatir… dan melelapkan matanya…

Selang sejam kemudian, Hang Vimana terkejut beruk dari tidurnya oleh sesuatu panggilan.

“Abang Vimana! Abang Vimana!”

Tanpa berlengah, Hang Vimana terus melonjak gembira dari kedudukannya, dan menjawab panggilan tersebut

“Dik Skodeng!”

Adik Skodeng. Nama timangan kekasih rahsianya, Tempayan Binti Bawang Goreng. Orang yang telah dinanti-nantikannya hampir sepetang, jelang semalam.

“Kakanda yang dikasihi, ampunkanlah adinda yang lewat minum dakwat ini.” titah Adik Skodeng dengan semata penuh air, sehati penuh seksa.

“Janganlah adik bimbang, sewaktu menantikan adinda, abang telah lelap and bermimpikan wajah adinda yang jelita bagaikan bulan purnama. Tidaklah sedikit pun menyusahkan.” Hang Vimana pada zahirnya cuba bersenyum kambing, tapi keletihannya yang mendalam telah mengkhianati niat murninya…

“Oh kakanda oh oh. Tidak usahlah mengambil hati adinda. Adinda lewat, adalah kerana terserempak dengan Pak Busu yang menggatal itu. Adinda terpaksa bersorok di belakang tong sampah besar sehingga Pak Busu lenyap” [uwehhhh uwehhhh]

“Wahai adinda sayang, janganlah menangis. Jika berat, kita tindih. Jika panjang, kita lilit. Apakah yang boleh abang buat melainkan curahan lebih kasih kepada dinda? Que sera sera, my dinda…”

“Oh kakanda…” Adik Skodeng terus mendakapi Abang Vimana-nya, kemudian saling memandang, dan seterusnya berkucup-kucup. Tangan Hang Vimana kemudiannya menyelongkar ke bawah sarung Adik Skodengnya. Ia adalah detik yang dinanti-nantikannya.

“Oh Abang Vimana oh oh [squeeeeaaaalll]”

Dada Adik Skodeng kemudiannya dijolok oleh Hang Vimana dengan rakusnya and seterusnya kedua kekasih tersebut terus bercantum jadi satu. Pada kemuncak sesi pergustian di antara mereka, Hang Vimana memanjat ke belakang Adik Skodengnya dan terus menghempap kekasihnya dari belakang, bagaikan seekor arnab yang tidak pernah bersetubuh.

“Ya!!! Oh Yaaa!!! Yaaa!!!!”

Panggilan berahi dik skodeng berkumandang merentangi kawasan rimba, menyelami segala panggilan cengkerik yang riuh rendah. Pertemuan mereka seakan-akan telah hanyut di alam mereka sendiri. Alam yang penuh dengan asmara. Penuh dengan nafsu. Hang Vimana terus menghempap cipap kekasihnya, hinggalah dia mencapai orgasma, diakhiri dengan raungan yang kuat bagaikan seekor singa yang telah puas makan.

Tapi tidaklah disangka singa tersebut bahawa kehadiran mereka, bukanlah hanya berdua. Di sebalik semak berdekatan, tersembunyi suami Adik Skodeng - Johan Rambai (seorang yang lumpuh separuh mukanya) dengan sekumpulan rakan-rakannya dari kampung berdekatan. Mereka telah mengekori Adik Skodeng - yang pada awalnya telah disyaki berlaku curang terhadap suaminya. Sekarang mereka telah ditangkap basah, dan Johan terus melonjak keluar dari semak dan menjerit dengan bengis:

“CISSSSS WOOWEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEEHHHHH WEHHHHH!!! WEEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEHHH WEHHH!!!” [Percakapan si Johan ni agak cacat sikit, memandangkan keadaan mukanya yang serba sepastik ini...]

translasi teriakan Johan: “CISSSS BEDEBAH SI PUKIMAK HANGPA NI!!! BERANI ENGKAU BERLAKU CURANG TERHADAP AKU!!!”

Rakan-rakan Johan terus menangkap kedua-dua kekasih yang masih separuh bogel itu dan menjatuhkan mereka hukuman bunuh. Hang Vimana terus meringking macam seekor ayam yang bakal disembelih sebaik sahaja dia terdengar akan nasibnya. Adik Skodeng pula hanya tahu menangis tanpa berkata apa-apa.

Johan, dengan perasaan yang penuh kemarahan itu, terus menghunus kerisnya ke dada Hang Vimana, mati dibunuhnya. Kemudian dia berpaling ke isterinya dengan penuh emosi dan mengerat lehernya dengan keris yang masih berlumuran darah Hang Vimana. Adik Skodeng tidaklah mati serta-merta macam kekasih haramnya, tetapi kesesakan nafas, hampir mati. Darahnya mengalir derus ke bawah teteknya, dan dengan pandangan yang penuh dengan kebencian, dia sempat berkata kepada suaminya yang tidak berperikemanusiaan itu

“Adik bersumpah ke atas abang sepastik ini, yang cuba menceraikan cinta adinda yang tulus ini dengan Abang Vimana… yang kampung abang sepastik akan menjadi padang jarak padang terkukur untuk seratus generasi yang akan datang…”

Itulah sumpahan terakhir Adik Skodeng.

Maklumlah, sumpah si Adik Skodeng itu tidak menjadi sehingga lima puluh tahun kemudian, apabila kampung Johan Rambai diredah pemodenan dan menjadi sebuah padang bola sepak. Sama ada kampung Johan terjadi ‘padang’ secara kebetulan ataupun kesan daripada sumpah Adik Skodeng, tidaklah sesiapa tahu… Akan tetapi, apa yang dikatakan orang tua-tua kampung Johan, adalah bahawa Adik Skodeng itu telah menjadi pontianak, dan kerap kala menyerang kandang lembu yang berdekatan…

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I never got good marks for my karangan before… especially when it involves that ancient Bahasa Klasik. I just couldn’t get the gist of it, no matter how hard I try… That’s why I used to dread of writing in Bahasa Klasik. But now that I’m free of those belenggu cikgu-cikgu kotek and anal-retentive shitfucks, I can now write whatever/however I want without having to worry about poor marks.

This article is dedicated to all the BeeEm teachers that have taught me before… Nah!

A friend asked me this :

If you were to encounter a road bully charging towards you in your car with a dangerous weapon, what would you do?

A) Run him over with your car? Or…
B) Confront him face to face with your own weapon?

Don’t ask me why the limited options. Obviously, there should be more options in situations like this… like maybe, to fucking bail the scene or something. But just to play along, I answered (A)… and added some details for the sheer pleasure of it…

Step 1) Run him over with my car.
Step 2) Hit reverse and run him over again.
Step 3) To make sure that he’s really down, repeat Step 1.
Step 4) Park car on top of him.
Step 5) Disembark, unzip pants and piss on his corpse.
Step 6) Pick up his weapon, and take a hard swing on his head. Wipe fingerprints and discard weapon.
Step 7) Dig out his wallet and take all his money.
Step Get into car, get ready to leave.
Step 9) Make a 3-point-turn maneuver on his corpse to double make sure that he’s dead.
Step 10) Go home and have a happy evening with family.

I always dreamed of doing this to a Mat Rempit or two someday. (Like, who doesn’t?)

Remember those hideous fengshui paraphernalias inside my home? Well, they’re becoming less conspicuous now. Thanks to Regine, for she has been working on a project to give our home a … FENGSHUI MAKEOVER! Here’s some of her works. Appreciate it, people. It’s art.

These are auspicious fabrics woven from the pubic wools of 99 virgin snow yaks, hung at the weakest spot of our apartment to block the negative chi blown over from Indonesia by invisible cosmic winds…

These are no ordinary clothes hangers. These clothes hangers, have been blessed by 500 Tibetian monks at a clandestine ceremony, believed to be able to ward off evil spirits and reduce electrical overstress defects on electronic components. That’s why they’re all over my dining table, the very same table I uses everyday to surf the internet and shits.

Holy elixirs of immortality and folded snow yak fabrics - strategically placed on the coffee table in the living room to absorb positive chi at the strongest intergalactic zodiac node in the 5th dimensional grid of our location. (and also reduce the radiation from the television)

The magic tree of tranquility. Embellished with paper lanterns & ancient meteorite orbs from the hanging temple of Toys’R'Us.

That’s the green caterpillar of the holy crib of Mufasa. Lying beside it, is the rag doll replica of the goddess of milk pukes and green shits. On the armrest, is a bottle of holy water to ward off evil spirits. And that white thing is just a diaper for that waving cat of fortune…. wait a minute… sorry, that’s Regine. Ahaks…

Gawddd… I’ve never felt so great before all these makeovers! **squealll!!**

I was minding my own business, when Emily suddenly asked me this

Emily : “Dear, if you get to be reborn into this world and start all over again, would you still want to be a male? Or do you want to be a female?”

Me : “No doubt, a male of course.”

Emily : “Yeah me too. If I get to choose my gender, I will definitely choose to be a guy. So, what makes you think being a girl’s so bad?”

Simple, I said. It sucks being a girl.

First, you’ve got more sex organs to manage. A pair of rack and a patch of furry beaver. That pair of rack, if it’s too big, it’s going to be very cumbersome. You’re going to get your agility affected. If it’s too flat, you’re going to lose shitloads of confidence. And for all the troubles, you don’t get to use them. They’re for your kids, who are going to suck them till they become a deflated piece of sloppy skin. And for your guy partners who are going to knead them till they go purple. Funbags, they call them. You’re like, born to do charity against your own will. No good.

That furry patch of beaver, it may look like it’s damn simple like that, but deep inside, is an entanglement of biological mess. You’ve got fallopian tubes, you’ve got those microscopic little hernias sticking out here and there. And they fucking rot every goddamned month. When they rot, you have to bleed for a few days. And during this period, you’ll basically go out of your mind and blame everyone for everything - all the while riding on that uncomfortable piece of bloody pad.

But then, I’m also aware of the multi orgasm feature that comes with that set of complex device. It’s the plus side of being a female. But the 9 months of getting knocked up and labour pain is a total turn-off for me. And this totally eclipses the whole orgasm deal here. Definitely no good. And those thingamajigs, will get obsolete when you go post 40, post the average reproduction stage. They’ll just stay static inside there and putrefy into cancer cells. No good no good.

Secondly, you’ll have an intricate assortment of hormones to contend with. I ain’t a doctor or a med student, but judging from the volatile temperament that I’ve observed on a lot of females, I reckoned that there must be a few gazillion types of hormones flowing inside their body. Innumerable, basically. Because of that, you’re probably horny most of the time. You’ll need dildos, battery operated butt plugs, you’ll need Estee Lauder youth potions, you’ll need a 500 bucks lipstick to look like a mutated insect, ridiculous looking expensive handbags, dangerously unstable stilettos, list goes on… You just need to spend a hell lot more money to play the mating game… as opposed to us guys, who only need a hand to rectify our needs, a neat sturdy comb and a good smelling oil-free haircream to rejuvenate our charm. Spend more money = no good. We guys would rather spend it on a more expensive ester based engine oil, or perhaps a fancy piece of multi-tipped portable electronic screwdriver.

Thirdly, the convenience of going to a bathroom hygienically. The beef curtain is designed in such a way that one would have to either squat or sit to streamline the piss towards the correct direction. I don’t like that design. It’s not practical. It takes too much time to look for a clean toilet seat, loose the garment and answer the call of nature. Those time can be very precious, especially when your bladder’s at the verge of exploding. Being a guy is definitely better. I just have to whip out my nozzle, and gush. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter where because there will be no contact between any exposed part of my body to any part of the loo. I’m always clean and I can do it real fast.

So, there… as you can see it through my mind - why would I still choose to be a guy. I’d rather work for the rest of my life and feed my girl plenty of love at all cost, rather than to go through all the troubles just for that multi orgasm perk (which one would probably only enjoy for the first 40 years of her life). Being a girl is just too complex for me. I wanted something simpler, like being a guy.

[corrected some grammar mistakes pointed by a reader, thanks]

I always believed that I have good qualities to be a great leader. It’s just, I wasn’t given enough fair chance to get promoted high enough to manifest my capabilities. In the past, I’ve led countless of awesome projects (alright, maybe only a couple of them) and has shown an impressive level of leadership traits (amongst them - profound observation skills, adept in handling crisis, etc) - but somehow, my achievements were turned a blind eye upon.

I don’t know, maybe the management have a different idea on what it takes to be a good employee, you know what I’m saying? Maybe like somebody who has a minimum 50% level of speech impediment and has an IQ of not more than their own shits. Since I am wayyyyy too magnificent and intelligent to fit that profile, no surprise then, I was cast into oblivion and was never given the priority to grow in my career. Perhaps that explains why I am seeing so many imbeciles around. (The latest I’ve encountered, was an engineer who can’t speak elementary English, and have no absolute idea about computers)

But then, if the world’s fair, there wouldn’t have been midgets in this world. There’s nothing that I can do about it, but to hope that someday, I’ll get my shot to be in charge, and by then, they’ll get to learn about the REAL DEAL of what it takes to be a good boss… like somebody as awesome as me. Here’s part of what I have in plan in case that ever happens:

For a good start, I’m gonna sack that roti canai cook who makes mousepad-stiff roti canais everyday in cafeteria. He’s delinquent, imcompetent, fat and stinks like a wet dog. If I don’t remove him from my organization, I’m very sure he’s going to be a bad influence to my employees - not passionate about their job (and would spoil the reputation of the management under my care). This cook, he will be replaced by another chef which I’m going to hire from India, and this Indian cook, is gonna make a lot of awesome Indian banana leaf cuisine for everyone.

Secondly, in order to win the loyalty of my employees, I’m going to make them love me. How? A subsidized carwash center smack dab in the middle of the carpark. Right next to the carpark, our very own automobile service center (not subsidized, but with attractive employee discounts) - with all the capability and competency to repair and service ANY automobile there out in the market - except Proton Savvy. Well, that’s because the boss (that’s me), do not favour that ugly car. (employee who drives a Savvy will be denied priority for promotions and will receive less bonus). With the facilities in place, employees can thus send their cars to our very own workshop without having to leave the workplace and conveniently collect them back after work.

The profit generated from the car service center, in the meanwhile, will be used to fund a project to erect a few bowling alleys at the vacant site behind the building. Probably might have to secure a loan first, and use the profit for monthly repayment. If everything’s well, I might even buy a few golf carts for the employees to commute between the main building to the bowling alleys (I acknowledge that walking can be inconvenient for some of you).

And then, I’ll also implement a real time web based rating system for all managers under my management. In this system, each and every people manager will be given a work blog - where they’ll be required to annotate what they’ve done for the day and the reasons behind all their decisions - so that I’ll be able to monitor their working life (this is to counter the widespread shirking that has been plaguing the company for years) and ensure that my money is not wasted on paying sloths (besides, that also would indirectly ensure that these leaders possess an acceptable level of English). The blog also will have a commenting system, and feedback will be opened to his/her peers… and all feedbacks will be scrutinised to review the respective manager during appraisal.

That’s more or less for everyone’s benefits. Of course there will be more that can be expected from me - like legalizing the use of profanities, casual dress codes, etc. It’s simply, impossible for me to list all of them out here. The list will be too long for this blog (overload) and my contenders will probably plagiarize my style…

So, until that happens, let’s not worry about that.