How I wish we humans are able to communicate through telepathic means. Like, through the language barrier and shit, we can just be within a coverage range of each other’s brain signals, and send the message away (pretty much like how wireless works… only biologically). If such were to be the case, then life probably would be so much less stressful for me and Emily - since our baby Regine can just beam us up whenever she wants something instead of bawling out in the middle of the night (there’s only so much we can interpret from the loud bawl of a baby). Just like this…

[telepathic message]
“Daddy? Are you awake?”
“I am now. What do you want?”
“Milk. I’m hungry daddy.”
“At this hour? You should be sleeping, girl.”
“I repeat, I want milk, else I’m going to start bawling.”
“Alright, alright, relax. How many bottles do you want, criminal?”
“What do you mean how many bottles? I just want one fucking shot! Do it already, old man!”
[walks to kitchen, prepares milk and returns with milk]
“Here’s your one fucking shot. Now suck fast and sleep already!”

The whole thing may sound like a complex conversation, but in reality, you’d only see the poor father walking to the kitchen to get the milk (probably with a distressed look on his face, but at least he knows what he has to do). It’ll probably last a little less than half a minute.

But of course, that isn’t happening anywhere in this world at all. If there’s one thing that our evolution failed us, that has got to be our way of communicating with each other. As fucking intelligent or advanced we humans can ever get, there’s still one simple thing we can’t do - to communicate with our offspring, until he or she knows how to listen/speak of course, which I think, is fucking pathetic.

Just look at the animals. They don’t seem to have that kind of problem. Their offspring don’t just simply cry or wail incessantly sending their parents panic attack. Take for example, the wildebeest. Just how do you reckon that a baby wildebeest knows that hyenas are evil and knows when to fucking run for their lives when they’re being attacked? Do they ever attend preschools or watch Barney to learn that? Fuck no. They just know it. Like they have somekind of telepathic shit going on there. And that probably explains why they know it when disasters are bound to struck

“Guys there’s a big fucking tsunami heading this way! Run for your lives! Don’t tell the humans!”

But then, that’s probably a power too big to ask for. I just want to have the ability to interpret what Regine wants. Regine had diarrhea for the whole last week and both Emily and I went through hell of not knowing what she wants when she was screaming for attention. We gave her everything, but none of them seems to be what she wanted. And those were the times when I really wished that I have this special ability to communicate with my daughter - things would be so much easier for both of us.

(come think of it, even if we were to be given that ability, it probably might not be of much use after Regine reaches her puberty. She’d be too engrossed with her dipshit teenage friends by then, than wanting her old man/woman to understand her better…)

If we shouldn’t call them people from Indonesia as ‘Indons’, then what should we call them? Any idea, people?

How bout ‘chimneys’? Or ‘pollutants’? Or just ’shitbags’? ‘morons’?

A colleague of mine copied me a full length Ultraman flick a few days ago. It was titled ‘40th anniversary of ultraman’ or something like that. Tried to watch it but, can’t understand 99% of the shits they’re saying. That’s because the whole damn thing was in Japanese. But that’s not really important anyway. It’s Ultraman for fuck’s sake. There’s nothing deep in there. Just pure brainless brawls and kindergarten level mayhem.

Alright, after realizing that it was in Japanese language, I started to skip through the dramas and dive straight into the actions (there was an unbelievable shitload of dramas in this flick. I didn’t know ultramans have feelings… geez)… you know, the wrestling part… I was expecting something different from what I saw 20 over years ago. Maybe a computer animated ultraman or some kickass realistic graphics. But surprisingly, it was all the same. The same rubber suit and the same plastic miniature props all over. Hell, even the fighting looked the same - ultraman kept walloping the plastic monster like how my Regine tosses her ridiculous looking ragdoll onto the floormat and laughed like a jackass (daddy’s trait).

I found myself constantly laughing at it, instead of feeling intrigued - a far departure from my childhood days. I can’t help but think, what was I thinking when I was a kid? How could recycled acts like this could capture my kiddy ass interest over and over again without fail? It has always been the same ultraman and same act, just different monsters. Really…

Now watching the damn thing as an adult, I suddenly see so much ridiculousness and flaws in this whole ultraman realm.
eg.
- how come nobody realizes that the hero never get himself killed everytime his plane or vehicle crashes?
- why would the ultraman choose to wrestle when he can use his zapper to dispatch the rampaging motherfucking monster right at the beginning of the fight?
- if it always take an ultraman to finish off the monster’s ass, why would they need the team of futuristic looking defense squad around? I’ve never seen them kill a monster before…
- the monsters, what are their motives other than destroying buildings and city blocks? (these monsters appear to be able to talk in this movie. I can’t help but think, since there are some intelligence in them, do they ever look into the mirror at any one time and have a moment of self realization that their existence is a big mistake? you know… with the tentacles and odd looks…)
- the ultraman has a blinking LED on his chest - which from my tacit understanding, is an indicator that he’s fucking gonna have a cardiac arrest or something. The big question is, what’s that indication for? Is there another third person, other than the monster and the kid who’s viewing the show, that need to know when the ultraman’s tired? Why lah?

And so on. So many open ends… and yet, these people manage to sustain the whole kid-cheating empire for 40 fucking years.

I felt so retarded for just watching the show… had to switch it off in no time. Kanneh.

I’ve been itching to write something in BeeEm for quite some time. This article was written over the course of three weeks, updated it bit by bit whenever I was free enough at work & finally completed it today…

******

Alkisah seorang lelaki yang bergelar Hang Vimana Bin Cicak Kobeng. Rupanya tampan bagaikan Amitabh Bachan dan badannya lasak bagaikan seekor kerbau. Akan tetapi, pada hari yang penuh trajis itu, Hang Vimaya tidaklah nampak seperti itu. Wajahnya nampak gementar, kulitnya disaluti dengan lapisan minyak yang dileleh dari liang romanya yang makin aktif… dan bau badannya hangit macam seekor lipas yang telah berendam di parit. Telah tiga puluh minit Hang Vimana menanti di kawasan rimba tersebut, di bawah terik mentari, tapi orang yang dinantikannya tidaklah sampai juga.

Apakah dia telah dibaham rimau? Ataupun ditangkap dek lanun yang berleluasa di kawasan tersebut? Mindanya mula dibanjiri dengan beratus sebab. Hang Vimana mula berasa khuatir… dan melelapkan matanya…

Selang sejam kemudian, Hang Vimana terkejut beruk dari tidurnya oleh sesuatu panggilan.

“Abang Vimana! Abang Vimana!”

Tanpa berlengah, Hang Vimana terus melonjak gembira dari kedudukannya, dan menjawab panggilan tersebut

“Dik Skodeng!”

Adik Skodeng. Nama timangan kekasih rahsianya, Tempayan Binti Bawang Goreng. Orang yang telah dinanti-nantikannya hampir sepetang, jelang semalam.

“Kakanda yang dikasihi, ampunkanlah adinda yang lewat minum dakwat ini.” titah Adik Skodeng dengan semata penuh air, sehati penuh seksa.

“Janganlah adik bimbang, sewaktu menantikan adinda, abang telah lelap and bermimpikan wajah adinda yang jelita bagaikan bulan purnama. Tidaklah sedikit pun menyusahkan.” Hang Vimana pada zahirnya cuba bersenyum kambing, tapi keletihannya yang mendalam telah mengkhianati niat murninya…

“Oh kakanda oh oh. Tidak usahlah mengambil hati adinda. Adinda lewat, adalah kerana terserempak dengan Pak Busu yang menggatal itu. Adinda terpaksa bersorok di belakang tong sampah besar sehingga Pak Busu lenyap” [uwehhhh uwehhhh]

“Wahai adinda sayang, janganlah menangis. Jika berat, kita tindih. Jika panjang, kita lilit. Apakah yang boleh abang buat melainkan curahan lebih kasih kepada dinda? Que sera sera, my dinda…”

“Oh kakanda…” Adik Skodeng terus mendakapi Abang Vimana-nya, kemudian saling memandang, dan seterusnya berkucup-kucup. Tangan Hang Vimana kemudiannya menyelongkar ke bawah sarung Adik Skodengnya. Ia adalah detik yang dinanti-nantikannya.

“Oh Abang Vimana oh oh [squeeeeaaaalll]”

Dada Adik Skodeng kemudiannya dijolok oleh Hang Vimana dengan rakusnya and seterusnya kedua kekasih tersebut terus bercantum jadi satu. Pada kemuncak sesi pergustian di antara mereka, Hang Vimana memanjat ke belakang Adik Skodengnya dan terus menghempap kekasihnya dari belakang, bagaikan seekor arnab yang tidak pernah bersetubuh.

“Ya!!! Oh Yaaa!!! Yaaa!!!!”

Panggilan berahi dik skodeng berkumandang merentangi kawasan rimba, menyelami segala panggilan cengkerik yang riuh rendah. Pertemuan mereka seakan-akan telah hanyut di alam mereka sendiri. Alam yang penuh dengan asmara. Penuh dengan nafsu. Hang Vimana terus menghempap cipap kekasihnya, hinggalah dia mencapai orgasma, diakhiri dengan raungan yang kuat bagaikan seekor singa yang telah puas makan.

Tapi tidaklah disangka singa tersebut bahawa kehadiran mereka, bukanlah hanya berdua. Di sebalik semak berdekatan, tersembunyi suami Adik Skodeng - Johan Rambai (seorang yang lumpuh separuh mukanya) dengan sekumpulan rakan-rakannya dari kampung berdekatan. Mereka telah mengekori Adik Skodeng - yang pada awalnya telah disyaki berlaku curang terhadap suaminya. Sekarang mereka telah ditangkap basah, dan Johan terus melonjak keluar dari semak dan menjerit dengan bengis:

“CISSSSS WOOWEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEEHHHHH WEHHHHH!!! WEEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEHHH WEHHH!!!” [Percakapan si Johan ni agak cacat sikit, memandangkan keadaan mukanya yang serba sepastik ini...]

translasi teriakan Johan: “CISSSS BEDEBAH SI PUKIMAK HANGPA NI!!! BERANI ENGKAU BERLAKU CURANG TERHADAP AKU!!!”

Rakan-rakan Johan terus menangkap kedua-dua kekasih yang masih separuh bogel itu dan menjatuhkan mereka hukuman bunuh. Hang Vimana terus meringking macam seekor ayam yang bakal disembelih sebaik sahaja dia terdengar akan nasibnya. Adik Skodeng pula hanya tahu menangis tanpa berkata apa-apa.

Johan, dengan perasaan yang penuh kemarahan itu, terus menghunus kerisnya ke dada Hang Vimana, mati dibunuhnya. Kemudian dia berpaling ke isterinya dengan penuh emosi dan mengerat lehernya dengan keris yang masih berlumuran darah Hang Vimana. Adik Skodeng tidaklah mati serta-merta macam kekasih haramnya, tetapi kesesakan nafas, hampir mati. Darahnya mengalir derus ke bawah teteknya, dan dengan pandangan yang penuh dengan kebencian, dia sempat berkata kepada suaminya yang tidak berperikemanusiaan itu

“Adik bersumpah ke atas abang sepastik ini, yang cuba menceraikan cinta adinda yang tulus ini dengan Abang Vimana… yang kampung abang sepastik akan menjadi padang jarak padang terkukur untuk seratus generasi yang akan datang…”

Itulah sumpahan terakhir Adik Skodeng.

Maklumlah, sumpah si Adik Skodeng itu tidak menjadi sehingga lima puluh tahun kemudian, apabila kampung Johan Rambai diredah pemodenan dan menjadi sebuah padang bola sepak. Sama ada kampung Johan terjadi ‘padang’ secara kebetulan ataupun kesan daripada sumpah Adik Skodeng, tidaklah sesiapa tahu… Akan tetapi, apa yang dikatakan orang tua-tua kampung Johan, adalah bahawa Adik Skodeng itu telah menjadi pontianak, dan kerap kala menyerang kandang lembu yang berdekatan…

*****

I never got good marks for my karangan before… especially when it involves that ancient Bahasa Klasik. I just couldn’t get the gist of it, no matter how hard I try… That’s why I used to dread of writing in Bahasa Klasik. But now that I’m free of those belenggu cikgu-cikgu kotek and anal-retentive shitfucks, I can now write whatever/however I want without having to worry about poor marks.

This article is dedicated to all the BeeEm teachers that have taught me before… Nah!

A friend asked me this :

If you were to encounter a road bully charging towards you in your car with a dangerous weapon, what would you do?

A) Run him over with your car? Or…
B) Confront him face to face with your own weapon?

Don’t ask me why the limited options. Obviously, there should be more options in situations like this… like maybe, to fucking bail the scene or something. But just to play along, I answered (A)… and added some details for the sheer pleasure of it…

Step 1) Run him over with my car.
Step 2) Hit reverse and run him over again.
Step 3) To make sure that he’s really down, repeat Step 1.
Step 4) Park car on top of him.
Step 5) Disembark, unzip pants and piss on his corpse.
Step 6) Pick up his weapon, and take a hard swing on his head. Wipe fingerprints and discard weapon.
Step 7) Dig out his wallet and take all his money.
Step Get into car, get ready to leave.
Step 9) Make a 3-point-turn maneuver on his corpse to double make sure that he’s dead.
Step 10) Go home and have a happy evening with family.

I always dreamed of doing this to a Mat Rempit or two someday. (Like, who doesn’t?)