About 40 – 50 production operators went hysteric at Company X this morning – the highest number ever recorded. Over the years, the most ever recorded case of hysteria in Company X was less than 10 at a time. But this morning, it was like hell being broken loose. Those operators went like, batshit crazy and began to scream like they had their clitoris clipped with a nail clipper, all at the same time. Must be quite a scene. I imagined it to be like the movie Dawn of the Dead… you know, mindless undead running amok wrecking properties and killing people. And I can probably amuse myself by jumping in to grab the prettiest chick in the mob, one preferably with the biggest tits and ‘manhandle’ the hysteria out of her (but I know that’s not likely because as far as I’ve noticed, none of them even came close to the term ‘acceptable’ by the lowest standard)

So what was that all about? I don’t fucking know man. I’ve heard rumors flying around that some offerings got stolen from a nearby ‘Datuk Kong’ (some kind of local guardian spirit) shrine and it got them spirits all pissed, and they’re now all out to stir some ruckus (pretty much like that Hindraf assembly). I can understand that. Sometimes when I lost a screwdriver in the lab, I always feel like going postal and kill something. Or at least yell incessantly for a while, just to let it out. If I were to have the power like that of a guardian spirit, you can bet your ass that the advantage would have been abused at that warp of time. And I would have done the exact same thing – retard the productivity of the company until I’m used to the condition without my fucking screwdriver.

But then, if the spirits really have the power to make a human go hysteric and act all loony, why do they choose to harass these innocent operators? Why not those despicable managers or directors? Won’t that be more interesting? I can think of shitloads of creatively fun things to do with them. Lap dance in the cafeteria… masturbating in public… drinking from the toilet bowl… streaking across the scorching hot parking lot… sodomizing the stray iguanas at the creek behind the Company X building… you name it. It’ll make headlines. Things that I don’t understand.

Anyway, I just hope that this will all be over soon (knowing that this is not doing any of us Company X employees any good). My bonus payout depends on the productivity of those bunch of operators, goddamn it.

(poll: do you guys believe in shits like these?)

Apparently. This isn’t the first I heard about it but, it kinda climaxed in the past few weeks. Paranormal shit seems to have increased lately for reasons unknown. I didn’t know about it until last week, when I overheard a conversation between Mojo Jojo and a rookie technician in our lab. Curious, I asked Mojo Jojo about it.

Me : “Dude, I overheard Bala told you he saw something weird?”

Bala is that rookie technician.

Mojo Jojo : “Yeah. He was staying back for overtime one day and he saw one of the chairs moved by itself”

You know, those chairs with wheels? It usually wouldn’t be that surprising if a chair with wheels moves by itself. But when it has stayed static for the past 2 hours and then only it moves by itself, that’s not normal. It must be a fucking ghost or something.

Me : “So how did he react to the situation?”

Mojo Jojo : “He abandoned the lab. And for the record here, he said it was your chair that moved.”

Me : “Wow. Should I feel scared now?”

Mojo Jojo : “His was the third case recently. I encountered something weird myself. Like Bala, I was staying back for overtime when I encountered this strange chilling breeze on my neck, and I saw some shadow movements at the corner of my eyes. Spooky shit”

Me : “So did the ghost caress you or anything?”

I was intending to turn that into an obscene joke, but Mojo Jojo saw it coming…

Mojo Jojo : “It licked my balls and gave me a hand job! Hahahh!”

Me : “Yeah, that’s probably gonna happen tonight”

But the discussion turned serious after that. It appears that Elliot had the worst encounter of all – he actually SAW SOMETHING. According to Mojo Jojo, Elliot’s computer crashed and a green colored dick suddenly stuck out and turkey slapped him blackout. Alright I was just kidding. He actually saw the shadow of a kid roaming around the lab and he felt something entering him through the pores of his skin (I’m not making this up!). Like the rest of the unfortunate guys, he made a quick exit and never came back. All three of them lodged a complain to the manager about their own encounter (as if the manager could issue a ‘show cause letter’ to the ghost… ahaks)

Mojo Jojo thinks that these paranormal encounters became more frequent recently due to the demotivated state of mind we’re all in. He concocted a theory that when our morale’s low, we’re letting our guards down and as a result, are more prone to see/encounter these paranormal shit. I don’t know if I could make myself believe that crap but, I was thinking that it has something to do with one’s intellectual level – the less intelligent a person is, the more likely he’s going to see a fucking ghost. So, it’s between Elliot, Mojo Jojo and Bala (Bala is known to have the IQ level of a rat).

But Mojo Jojo could still have a slightest chance of being right. If he’s right, that would mean the petrol hike did not just make our life more difficult with the inflation and stuff but also, made our asses more prone to encounter ghosts and goblins. (life difficult = less money = more overtime = higher risk of seeing a fucking ghost. See my point?)

If that’s the case, I guess the only practical thing left for us to do is claim for the petrol subsidy (through lottery win or something) when we see a ghost… you know, for the unwanted inconvenience of meeting each other. (by hanging around afterdark, we’re probably disrupting their partying schedule – that’s why they’re trying to spook the shit out of us. Hence, it’s only right if we can make a deal with these underworld beings for the benefit of all…)

I want to ask you people something, and I want you to be honest about it, and I need as many answers as possible. You people have the whole weekend to do this…

Read the simple scenario below, and then move on to the main question.

*****

Miss E’s shit ugly best friend is getting married. Not intending to attend her best friend’s wedding, which is going to be held at some bumfuck location in an ulu land far far away, Miss E decided to send her a gift instead. A bottle of exclusive and expensive body fragrance. Yeah, her best friend is definitely going to love it. She’s not going to smell bad no more.

So Miss E goes to this departmental store counter, and sees this perfect bottle of fragrance for her best friend – Tommy Hilfiger “Dreaming”. I don’t really know if it smells any good, but the name sure sounds nice, and not to mention, damn expensive. I mean, it isn’t really that expensive per se, but as a gift for someone else… it pricks a little.

Anyway, Miss E pays for the expensive little bottle of fragrance and goes on her way back to the office (she did the shopping during her lunchtime). As she is about to leave the carpark in her colleague’s car, she realizes that there are TWO bottles of Tommy Hilfiger “Dreaming” inside the bag. Mein gott himmel! What the fuck!? Now there are a few of her colleagues inside that car. One of them, the driver of the car, wants Miss E to return that extra bottle of EXPENSIVE FRAGRANCE to the departmental store… while the rest, they have a reserved opinion about returning the gift from God…

Miss E, she suddenly feels so small and helpless, not knowing what to do.

*****

Now, on to the question – What would you do if you’re in Miss E’s position?

Would you keep the extra bottle of expensive Tommy Hilfiger fragrance?

or

Would you choose to return the damn thing to redeem yourself some glorified sense of righteousness?

Remember, Miss E didn’t plot for this. It was an accident. Somebody somewhere was careless, and she ended up with an extra bottle of fragrance she didn’t have to pay for.

Your opinion please and why. Thank you.

A couple weeks ago, my father’s sister and her husband (my aunt and uncle) came to my place for a visit. It has been some time since we last met, so, there were a lot of catching ups going on. Particularly on my daughter, Regine. The last time they saw Regine, was when she was just a few months old. But that afternoon when they came, Regine was ill and was taking her afternoon nap. So I did the next best thing for them – I showed them my daughter’s digital photos. Shitloads of them.

I brought over my notebook to the couch, and showed them a slideshow of Regine’s photos. You know how these senior people would go so enthusiastic about looking at children’s photos and all – so I was like making them happy or something, and at the same time, trying to reinforce their belief that me, Michael, whom they were so used to see as a fucking obnoxious devil, had grown into a responsible and debonair parent (oh yeah bebeh).

And so I was like, digitally flipping photos after photos of my daughter’s, wearing this super gay smile and making super gay remarks like “Oh look at her, how cuuuuuute awww” – you know, revolting behaviors that we adults sometimes unnaturally act in front of our seniors just to avoid any perception complications.

“This was when she was 8 months”
“This was the time when we brought her to the mall”
“Oh this was her first time on a swing”

You get the idea.

Just when I thought everything was going smooth and things would end well for me, it happened. The final few slides of the folder, weren’t of Regine’s. No it was not porn. It wasn’t me nekkid either. It was this picture.

My uncle squinted his eyes, and I panicked.

“Errmm, please ignore this uncle. This… errrr…. this is just a picture of my friend…. errr he buried his face on a roti canai… err…. because… errmmmphhh heheh… he was drunk” [close application and stifle from laughing]

And then we pretended we didn’t see the picture and moved on.

That was a picture of my friend Tony, which was taken when he was very inebriated on a very adventurous night some months ago (we’re all drunk). That night, someone bought some roti canai for a late night pig out, until one of my kooky friends slapped a piece of roti canai on Tony’s face and told him that it was a warm towel. I took that picture with my phone while I was wiping tears and phlegm from laughing too hard…

Happy moments, yes, but it was inappropriate at that time, you know, with these serious relatives around. I was suppose to be content and stable and shit, and showing them how much of a schlub I’ve been with my friends isn’t generally considered a very bright thing to do. It was a boner. If I had a piece of greasy ass roti canai at that warp of time, I’d have buried my face into it as well, no shit.

I kinda accidentally learned how it felt like to have my anus scorched last Saturday. I know this sounds very kinkish but trust me, it isn’t what you’re thinking at all.

Here’s how it happened – I was applying some *Yoko-yoko on my back while I was watching TV and somehow, pressed on the applicator too hard. As a result of that, the heat generating liquid kinda trickled down into my buttcrack and into The Hole. At first, it was just some breezy cool feeling down there but after a while, it gradually grew into a full scale inferno. And trust me, it was something out of this world (in a wretched way). It burns. A lot. It was like having a running hairdryer (or a burning toaster) stuck up into your ass.

I should have dabbed that shit off with a moist toilet paper or something… but I didn’t. Instead, I scampered into the toilet and scrubbed my ass with plenty of soap vigorously… and THAT, I later learned, was a big mistake. You see, scrubbing it is akin to spreading it to the adjacent areas, and that was exactly what happened next – my entire ass was stinging like it was getting a blowtorch service! And it stayed like that for a whole 20 or so minutes before the effects starting to wear off…

Now who would have thought that a plan for a peaceful afternoon in front of a TV could end up like this? Shit happens. (I wonder what’s gonna happen if we drip a few drops of Yoko-yoko on a cat’s balls or ass? If your neighbor has an obnoxious cat that shits around your garden, you might want to try this…)

*Yoko-yoko – somekind of a liquid pain reliever very popular amongst old farts who suffer constant back pain from stooping and partying around too much. It comes in this small and convenient bottle, which has a slanted sponge applicator shaped like a toilet cleaner (see it here)