My friends and I were leaving from an important event, and were in the same car. Bitten by exhaustion and fatigue, none of the guys was talking much. Thinking of lightening up the mood a little, I playfully remarked about a certain girl whom we saw at the event earlier…

“Man, that Jane sure has a huge pair of tits, don’t you guys think so? I can imagine them being so firm and bouncy…”

Just as I was about to vividly detail the various imaginable fun things I could do with Jane’s pair of well endowed funbags, I suddenly realized that I was getting this seriously disgusted stare from all the guys – like I was the sickest pervert on the planet.

A moment of silence ensued, with myself heavily processing what the fuck was going on. It was then dawned on me, that none of the guys knew the name of that big tittied girl we saw at the event (I know her though). And coincidentally, the name ‘Jane’ is also shared by another friend’s wife… who was ALSO at the event (and also, *cough*… well endowed *cough*).

So, it was a gross misunderstanding there. My friends thought I was slobbering on another friend’s wife! The disgusted stare was all about my reputation being put on the line there…

“NOOOOOOO YOU SICK BASTARDS! I was referring to the OTHER Jane… ” and I had to explain the whole thing to them… the right Jane, and the wrong Jane. Which Jane’s tits I was referring to. Fortunately, their exhaustion did not dampen their cognitive ability, and manage to get the facts straight, which they then laughed off like a bunch of sickest perverts on the planet.

What a fucking close call indeed. Who would have thought that a simple case of mistaken identity could nearly go terribly wrong like this?

I had to yell at a bunch of kids at a KFC joint today.

It happened at the indoor playground area, when I was looking after Regine. It was all good at the playground until that bunch of obnoxious kids came and started to wreak havoc upon mankind. For the record here, the indoor playground was meant for kids under 10, but those kids that came were like 10 – 12 years old. There were 5 of them in a gang, brought over by this middle aged Chinese housewife in a revolting spaghetti string attire.

They came into the playground and played ‘chase’ – which I didn’t really mind at first, albeit I was a little bit annoyed with the screaming and all. But when they pushed my Regine and made her almost tip over a 4 feet high platform, I snapped (I managed to grab her in time). I mean, can you imagine that? Seeing a 10 year old imp push my 2 year old angel like nobody’s business? Man, I could have tossed that little shit half way across the restaurant. But of course I didn’t do that (I would if it isn’t a crime). Instead, I hissed at the bunch of kids in my best impression of a mean fucker – “HEY! If you guys want to play, play properly, ok??”

A harmless warning with a hint of violence in it. Simple enough for the kids to understand that if they don’t heed my warning, they’re going to have to see the doctor to have chicken bones removed from their rectum. They immediately toned down right after I issued the threat. The spaghetti string housewife was around when I did the hissing, and she didn’t like that a bit. I thought she’d come over to confront me, but she didn’t. She’s probably scared of me or something. Whatever.

But I happened to spot her glowering at me from outside the window pane when she left the premise with her bunch of devil spawns, with the kind of expression like I was a pedophile who almost got a piece off one of them. She then muttered something vulgar (while still glowering at me) and then did what it seemed like she was reassuring her kids that I was just another terrible man from out of town. Not wanting to be left out, I reciprocated her hostility by lip syncing the word ‘BITCH’ and ‘CHEEBYE‘ back at her, which riled her even more… and then she fucking disappeared.

I swear, had she confronted me verbally when she was in the restaurant, I would have taken the liberty to say something really mean to her (since I needed to de-stress very badly lately anyway…), like how she ought to sheath her tits with those black garbage plastic bags to match the sag contour, and how rustic people like her shouldn’t reproduce, lest she would make the human species look bad to the animals. There’s a popular Malay word to describe the kind of people she is – Kurang ajar. Neither she nor any of her kids attempted to apologize for shoving my Regine.

Maybe some of you might say that they’re just kids being kids, but hell, there was actually another group of kids of about the same age before the little devils came. In contrast to the devil kids, the earlier group knew how to be considerate and share, and waited for their turn to play. Most important thing was, they knew how to cut my Regine some slack knowing she’s little and all. They didn’t scream like they’ve lost their fucking mind. And they didn’t run around like the building’s on fire. That’s what I would deem a normal, well taught, regular kid is. And when the little devils came, the first group automatically left. (unfortunately, except my Regine because she’s too little to realize that the hot soup’s pouring over and I couldn’t make her leave).

All in all, it’s just fucking sad to have people like her living amongst us.

I was walking along the office corridor yesterday morning. A middle aged balding manager was walking from the opposite direction. After a couple feet past him, the guy said to me (from behind),

“Errrmmm excuse me, your fly’s open.”

I went like, oh, ok… and zipped it up (no big deal for me). But after a short distance away from him, a disturbing thought suddenly loomed over me and I started to feel very uneasy about the whole thing – how did he know if my fly’s open if he was not checking out my crotch? And why the fuck would he check my crotch out? I wouldn’t mind if a girl or a housewife does that. It probably wouldn’t have been so kooky. But a middle aged balding guy?

Goddamn.

Now that I think of it, I’ve never actually saw any guy with his barn door wide open before. The reason’s simply because I never check out crotches of the same sex. I’d ogle at girls, their tits, asses and try to spot a cameltoe, yes – which is normal for a guy – but I’d never check out any part of a guy’s physique because that’s just so fucking gay. And the unfortunate incident was not even circumstantial. Not like I was climbing a ladder in front of him or something like that. He had to actually make it an effort to look down just to be able to see my crotch, and that’s just so fucking disturbing. To the very bone. This is so fucking wrong man…

If you guys disagree with me, pretty please, give me a good reason why I shouldn’t feel that way (or you blokes can tell me if you do check out other fellow blokes’ crotches… ewwh)

About 40 – 50 production operators went hysteric at Company X this morning – the highest number ever recorded. Over the years, the most ever recorded case of hysteria in Company X was less than 10 at a time. But this morning, it was like hell being broken loose. Those operators went like, batshit crazy and began to scream like they had their clitoris clipped with a nail clipper, all at the same time. Must be quite a scene. I imagined it to be like the movie Dawn of the Dead… you know, mindless undead running amok wrecking properties and killing people. And I can probably amuse myself by jumping in to grab the prettiest chick in the mob, one preferably with the biggest tits and ‘manhandle’ the hysteria out of her (but I know that’s not likely because as far as I’ve noticed, none of them even came close to the term ‘acceptable’ by the lowest standard)

So what was that all about? I don’t fucking know man. I’ve heard rumors flying around that some offerings got stolen from a nearby ‘Datuk Kong’ (some kind of local guardian spirit) shrine and it got them spirits all pissed, and they’re now all out to stir some ruckus (pretty much like that Hindraf assembly). I can understand that. Sometimes when I lost a screwdriver in the lab, I always feel like going postal and kill something. Or at least yell incessantly for a while, just to let it out. If I were to have the power like that of a guardian spirit, you can bet your ass that the advantage would have been abused at that warp of time. And I would have done the exact same thing – retard the productivity of the company until I’m used to the condition without my fucking screwdriver.

But then, if the spirits really have the power to make a human go hysteric and act all loony, why do they choose to harass these innocent operators? Why not those despicable managers or directors? Won’t that be more interesting? I can think of shitloads of creatively fun things to do with them. Lap dance in the cafeteria… masturbating in public… drinking from the toilet bowl… streaking across the scorching hot parking lot… sodomizing the stray iguanas at the creek behind the Company X building… you name it. It’ll make headlines. Things that I don’t understand.

Anyway, I just hope that this will all be over soon (knowing that this is not doing any of us Company X employees any good). My bonus payout depends on the productivity of those bunch of operators, goddamn it.

(poll: do you guys believe in shits like these?)

Apparently. This isn’t the first I heard about it but, it kinda climaxed in the past few weeks. Paranormal shit seems to have increased lately for reasons unknown. I didn’t know about it until last week, when I overheard a conversation between Mojo Jojo and a rookie technician in our lab. Curious, I asked Mojo Jojo about it.

Me : “Dude, I overheard Bala told you he saw something weird?”

Bala is that rookie technician.

Mojo Jojo : “Yeah. He was staying back for overtime one day and he saw one of the chairs moved by itself”

You know, those chairs with wheels? It usually wouldn’t be that surprising if a chair with wheels moves by itself. But when it has stayed static for the past 2 hours and then only it moves by itself, that’s not normal. It must be a fucking ghost or something.

Me : “So how did he react to the situation?”

Mojo Jojo : “He abandoned the lab. And for the record here, he said it was your chair that moved.”

Me : “Wow. Should I feel scared now?”

Mojo Jojo : “His was the third case recently. I encountered something weird myself. Like Bala, I was staying back for overtime when I encountered this strange chilling breeze on my neck, and I saw some shadow movements at the corner of my eyes. Spooky shit”

Me : “So did the ghost caress you or anything?”

I was intending to turn that into an obscene joke, but Mojo Jojo saw it coming…

Mojo Jojo : “It licked my balls and gave me a hand job! Hahahh!”

Me : “Yeah, that’s probably gonna happen tonight”

But the discussion turned serious after that. It appears that Elliot had the worst encounter of all – he actually SAW SOMETHING. According to Mojo Jojo, Elliot’s computer crashed and a green colored dick suddenly stuck out and turkey slapped him blackout. Alright I was just kidding. He actually saw the shadow of a kid roaming around the lab and he felt something entering him through the pores of his skin (I’m not making this up!). Like the rest of the unfortunate guys, he made a quick exit and never came back. All three of them lodged a complain to the manager about their own encounter (as if the manager could issue a ’show cause letter’ to the ghost… ahaks)

Mojo Jojo thinks that these paranormal encounters became more frequent recently due to the demotivated state of mind we’re all in. He concocted a theory that when our morale’s low, we’re letting our guards down and as a result, are more prone to see/encounter these paranormal shit. I don’t know if I could make myself believe that crap but, I was thinking that it has something to do with one’s intellectual level – the less intelligent a person is, the more likely he’s going to see a fucking ghost. So, it’s between Elliot, Mojo Jojo and Bala (Bala is known to have the IQ level of a rat).

But Mojo Jojo could still have a slightest chance of being right. If he’s right, that would mean the petrol hike did not just make our life more difficult with the inflation and stuff but also, made our asses more prone to encounter ghosts and goblins. (life difficult = less money = more overtime = higher risk of seeing a fucking ghost. See my point?)

If that’s the case, I guess the only practical thing left for us to do is claim for the petrol subsidy (through lottery win or something) when we see a ghost… you know, for the unwanted inconvenience of meeting each other. (by hanging around afterdark, we’re probably disrupting their partying schedule – that’s why they’re trying to spook the shit out of us. Hence, it’s only right if we can make a deal with these underworld beings for the benefit of all…)