A couple weeks ago, as I was tailing behind this 4WD vehicle in my workplace’s carpark, I took notice of it’s really attractive pair of rear lamps. Apparently, it’s a new model of 4WD which I’ve never seen before. It reminded me of the older Opel Vectra models… that I used to swoon all over when I was younger. That prompted me to tail closer to catch a glimpse on it’s carmake & model - it’s shiny emblem reads “Kia Sportage”. The new make, of course.

I was like … WOW… this is like a deviation from their (Kia’s) usual fugly designs ! I was needless to say, damn impressed with the look. But unfortunately, I didn’t get to see the front view of the vehicle to give my full judgement. We parted ways and I’ve forgotten all about it, until yesterday.

I was moping towards my car after a tiring day of work, when I finally saw the frontal view of this vehicle, parked not far away from Lorraine. Had a good look at it and my first impression was - it looked like a surprised camel ! It’s hard to explain but, you can peruse the following graphic for better understanding :

Just in case you couldn’t tell the difference, the left image is the new Kia Sportage, while the right image is supposed to be a mouse-drawn camel, with a surprised look. Uncanny resemblance, isn’t it ? It boggles my mind to think, what the fuck is wrong with this vehicle. Tried to tilt my head in various angles, but I couldn’t get myself to like it.

Maybe this surprised-camel looking vehicle was designed by some diaper head that has been brought up in an environment full of camels. And designed a vehicle that looks like it as a tribute to the animal - that has served his civilization for centuries as a biological transport…

I did not bother to check out it’s interior, for I have no interest in anything that resembled a camel (except for cameltoes, of course…).

Back during my childhood, I depended on no electronics to keep myself occupied. No playstation, no games, definitely no internet. Mom didn’t believe in the myth - that investing money in her kids’ toys would reap benefit for her welfare in the distant future - hence, no toys for me as well.

So, we (referring me and my childhood buddies) were basically left without any choice but to solely rely on our creativity to burn some time. Like coming up with our own games. No, I’m not referring to shitty games like hide & seek…or…hop-with-a-leg type… those are for wimps and sick little freaks that looked like Michael Jackson. I’m talking about games that :

- are awesome and involves a lot of ass kicking (it’s always fun to kick some other kid’s ass…)
- require ZERO cost (Can’t afford anything as we’ve limited or no pocket money at all)
- would keep more than 20 of us little devils occupied for at least a few hours.

We came up with many of them that fulfill the above criteria alright. But the one that stood out amongst the rest was a game which we named as, “Khan Eh” (translated as “Fling A Sandal”) - which was the motherfuckest of all wicked games that I’ve ever played as a kid. A game that sets a whole definition of ‘fun’ and changed my life forever (kidding, I added the final phrase as a hyperbole…)

Following would be the details and rules about “Fling A Sandal” (I’m gonna do it in point form here for convenience’ sake) :

Requirements :
1) Minimum 14 players, must be even numbered to be divided into 2 teams. The more players, the better.
2) Each player must be barefooted and armed with one side of their flip-flops or sandals. (this will be their weapon)
3) A cemented space/court as the playground (preferably, the size of a basketball court). Indoor or outdoor, doesn’t matter.
4) You have to be minimum 7 years old to play this game.
5) You’re not in any way associated to the word ’sissy’ or ‘pondan’.

How to play :
a) Players are divided into 2 teams that opposes each other. One team as “defender”, and another as the “invader”.
b) Flip a coin to decide which team to play as “defender”/”invader”. (or simply select a representative from each team to arm wrestle…The winner gets to decide which role the team wants to play…)
c) The “defender” must first build a “sandal shrine” inside a big circle of approximately 5 feet in diameter (can be drawn with a chalk or something), which was believed to be the center of the universe. Everything else rotates around it. It is their duty to safeguard the shrine at all cost.

d) To build the “sandal shrine”, the defenders just need to lean 3 sandals on each other in an upright position. May sound easy but, trust me, it requires a lot of skills to do it. Refer illustration to understand better.
e) Once the shrine is up, the defenders are required to stand at an offset of 30 ft away from it and wait.
f) The invaders are then required to ‘attack’ the shrine by flinging their sandals from that same spot of 30 ft offset (the 2 teams should now be standing at that same spot). If the invaders somehow ran out of sandals and unable to strike the shrine down, they lose the game.
g) On the other hand, if the shrine was struck by an invader’s flinging sandal and collapses, both team would then engage each other in battle mode.
h) In the battle mode, each team would have their own objective
- invaders : to go all out trying to immobilize all the defenders. (to immobilize the defenders, just smack/fling them with a sandal…)
- defenders : try to rebuild the shrine without getting killed.
To which, if any of the team achieves their objective, will win the game. (please note that during the battle mode, the invaders are not allowed to go into the shrine’s big circle.)
i) Once the game ends, both team would then switch their roles as defender-invader … and repeat the whole process.

Rules :
- Killing & crying is prohibited. Violators will be pummeled and banned from joining any future games.

So, basically, you’ll see kids running everywhere trying to smack each other stupid. It’s energetic, fun and full of suspense … especially when you’re looking out for flying sandals that may land flat on your face while trying to balance that 3 fucking pieces of sandals to rebuild the shrine.

Kids nowadays only know how to gain weight and being a big pussy…

You see, my ex-factory (same company, different factory) has this really long staircase near the office area. It was a very special staircase - which I didn’t know when I first joined the company. Everyone seems to love it for some reasons. My colleagues especially… Although our office cubes were situated kinda far from that staircase, my group’s engineers would always meander across the big ass office floor, just for the sake of using this staircase.

And what more ? This long staircase actually leads to the HR department, where there were a few half-bitch-pitbull HR hags that would glower at any passer-by’s as if everyone owed them money… And from the HR office, there were only 3 routes to exit the cursed area - a route through the lobby, another through the production floor and the third one through a maze of corridors that would eventually fuse back further down the production floor. All of the routes requires a scanned access to a series of electronically locked doors - heaps of hassle if you were to ask me.

So, unless one has some business to deal with those HR pitbulls … or the intention to access the production floor, this staircase shouldn’t be an ideal way to travel out of the building. But ironically, that wasn’t the case. My colleagues ? They would use that staircase to go for lunch, to go for their tea breaks and to go home. It was their favorite staircase. And those habit of their’s, never failed to baffle me … why do they like this goddamn staircase so much ? Why risk their lives wandering near those ferocious pitbulls ? Why all the hassles when you can use the other staircase that directs you straight to the building entrance ? I found out soon a few weeks down the job - the “not so nice way”.

One day, I was walking down this staircase heading to the production floor… when I noticed that SlutSlut was walking up from below. Now, a little bit history about SlutSlut before I proceed … she’s actually a clerk in her late 20’s (back then) that was infamous of her tight fitting scanty clothes and ridiculously short miniskirts. She has an adequately proportional body figure … but her face’s a big failure. Looking at her face would remind me of those half-bred baboons with a horse gum set of teeth. She’s the “cover the face, fire the base” type. Hell yeah.

Alright, so I was descending the upper half of this really long staircase (there are 2 flights of stairs facing the opposite direction - refer illustration below), while she was ascending the lower half… until we walked pass each other at the middle ledge and continued our way. That was when I noticed that she was wearing this relatively short skirt … and I was thinking deep inside “Wow, I can actually see her tushy from my way down…”

Sure enough… out of my biologically inquisitiveness to learn about female anatomy through interesting angles (I was only 21 yrs old back then for fuck’s sake … can’t blame me for my curiosity), I duly tilted my head upwards about 30 degrees (when descending that lower half of the staircase), and rolled my eyeballs 60 degrees higher …. then WHAM ! I saw it all. Her pantyhose. Her underwear. And something extra - lodged in between her legs.

I didn’t know what the hell was that “thing” so, I tilted my head higher to take a more careful look - and finally realized that it was a sanitary pad. With wings. It was shockingly agitating and totally unexpected. I’ve seen sanitary pads before, but only when they’re harmlessly idling on the shelves of some departmental stores … never had I seen a live one in action sucking blood from a bleeding beaver. You can imagine the amount of damage inflicted on a pure mind of an innocent 21 yrs old bloke.

That’s how I found out about the infamous “upskirt staircase” … in my own traumatic way.

You see, this staircase was situated at a location that was known to have a myriad supply of pretty young girls (upstairs). And it’s the only staircase that has an entirely clear view out from the building through a big plane of tempered glass panel. As a result of that, that area is kinda naturally illuminated by the bright sunlight.

Strategic design, naturally lit and plenty of resources … what more could a bloke ask for ?

name : Pontianak Sundal (a.k.a Sandal, a.k.a Selipar Jepun)
age : 25 yrs old as human, 78 as undead.
measurements : 34-24-35 (D cup)
height : 158cm
eye color : dark brown, red when pissed off.
hobby : collecting stamps, freaks people, squat on a tree branch
occupation : murderer (part time), vampire
favorite food : yong tou foo, curry mee, chee cheong fun, kuih cekodok.
favorite style : white robe by Victoria’s Secret, rebonded straight hair, manicured claws
favorite soccer team : Liverpool
bra brand : bee dees
foundation : SK II
perfume : minyak serai cap badak
shoe : none

*i don’t feel like thinking today. So I simply created a random entry.
*the picture above was created using mouse and PSP6. Done in 15 minutes. Don’t bitch.

Friday evening, I was clubbed at the head and dragged with my head full of blood to a shopping mall by Emily. With my blood pouring out profusely, I was made to walk hundreds of miles worth of tormenting steps, while Emily was satisfying her frenzy of clothes buying spree …

Ok, I made all that up, but, it’s about as close as how it felt like being dragged to a shopping madness by one of those females. I’m not a naturally religious person but I wanted to say this - God.. I hate shopping. It’s tiring, it’s boring and it’s a fucking waste of time.

That Friday evening was one of the worst time I ever had in a shopping mall. Walked for 3 hours without food and water, I was basically in the brink of wanting to end my life by jumping from the third floor balcony … when I spotted a couple of good looking young girls on the ground floor (Emily was ransacking some clothes in one of the boutiques).

Apparently, they were at this ‘open air’ undergarments outlet … and were checking some of the lacy bras out. I observed them for a whole 5 minutes from the 3rd floor above, and apparently, it looked like as if they couldn’t decide if they wanted to buy them. They had a few ’side discussions’ while holding those bras … and at times it could get really technical — stretching those brassieres lopsiding the cups pointing their boobs etc. I was kinda amused at that point.

Then, as one of them was busy twisting and tormenting those bras for quality defects, another one went towards the “bats” section. *refer pic below for illustrative reference of “bats”*

That girl took a particular liking to a few bats, and stretch them out to match her piece of farm. She was like doing this in the open .. doesn’t give a damn if anyone noticed. Was wondering what exactly she wanted to know by stretching those lacy underwears … if it really matches her beaver ? I do not know, but for me, I would normally grab a box of underwear … quickly flee to the nearest pay counter … pay as fast as I could … and get the fuck out of the place immediately. I watched her continue to stretch and match each underwear to her crotch … and I was cackling like a mad fuck on the 3rd floor balcony by myself.

I continued to laugh myself stupid while ogling on the 2 girls doing their meticulous pick … until I realized that I was being “watched” myself. It was a middle aged housewife who stood exactly opposite of where I was standing on the same floor. There’s this disdainful look on her face as I looked back at her … apparently, she had been noticing me all these while.

Needless to say, she must thinking that I’m some sort of sick pervert that scopes at chicks to satisfy my lust of sorts … Well, I don’t blame her for that, for if I’m in her situation (eg. saw some housewife peeping a guy grabbing a box of underwear while giggling herself stupid), I probably would have punched her in the face and spit at her.

I continued to ogle at those girls … totally ignoring the old bitch’s second opinion about me.