Me: “That girl is sure hot”

John: “Which one of them?”

Me: “Man! What the fuck is wrong with you????”

*It takes approximately an IQ level of a sack of potatoes to fully comprehend the short entry above.

I’m sure many of you have heard a lot about the game “paintball”. It’s the latest craze in town and everyone is talking about it.

If you have no idea what’s a paintball, click here.

It’s a game where you get to run around a faux battleground & shoot each other with pellets of paintballs (instead of real bullets) through realistic looking toyguns. Sort of like, a live emulation of a tactical warfare. I don’t know if it’s any good coz I’ve never played it before… but sure it sounds like a lot of fun… and expensive.

From what I’ve surveyed around, I was made to understand that you’ll have to pay like… 30 - 40 cents for each pellet of paintball you pop and each game is timebound. (that means, if either one is up, you’ll have to stop the game). And for additional protective gears that you may want to wear, you’ll have to fork out more money to rent them (or something like that).

Buying the equipment for yourself won’t be any practical either. The gun(s) and protective gears aren’t really cheap. And the paintballs are not something you can just buy off any grocery store or your local 7-11. You’ll have to buy them from the paintball distributor to refill your gun. (and not to mention that CO2 canister to power the goddamn gun). It’s all about spending money there.

That actually makes me wonder, what’s the fun actually all about? Shooting stuffs with projectiles. We humans have always been fascinated by that idea since thousands of years ago. So, what’s so special and new about this whole paintball idea? It’s nothing more than just a modern day commercialized game. Little did we realize, that we’ve been playing with this sort of tactical shooting game since eons ago… and we didn’t pay no shit for the fun. Here are some of them (to you blimp nerdy kids, this is what we play before the invention of a personal-fucking-computer):

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Slingshot
If you don’t fucking know what’s a slingshot, you ought to have your head slam dunked into a toilet bowl and had it flushed repeatedly till it bloats like a whale’s bladder. It’s a “Y” shaped medieval weapon, dumbass. Invented by some cavemen during the the paleolithic era to hunt small animals and fuck buddies, this simple yet effective weapon is cheap to produce and rarely breaks down. (I made up the inventor part… in case you’re wondering…)

Physics: It’s actually a simple “Y” shaped contraption (usually made of wood, but there has been variations of steel made slingshots as well). The weapon has an elastic band tied to the end of each prongs and uses the elasticity of the band to propel the missile forward. Missile choices can be anything hard & roughly spherical in shape (pebbles, marbles, small fruits or small cute vertebrate animals). Just load missile on slingshot, pull elastic band and release to shoot.

Pros: Long range, inflicts badass sting on target, wide range of missile choices (you’ll never run out of bullets), easy to use, easy to fabricate, cheap.

Cons: Strike can be lethal to small animals and scrawny being (eg. Kate Moss), weapon is conspicuous.

Rubber band
The good ol’ rubber band. You can have heaps of fun with it if you’re creative enough. The girls would tie it together for their sissy ass rope skipping, we guys would use it to shoot anything in sight. It’s small, concealable and practically allowed anywhere you go. (a slingshot would probably be confiscated at school).

Physics: Same principle as slingshot. Instead of “Y” prongs, one will just need to stretch a rubber band across his/her index finger and thumb to create a ‘mini’ version of a slingshot. This is a pistol version of the longer range slingshot. Uses a specially made paper missile (refer illustration). Just hook the inner joint of the folded paper to the stretched rubber band between fingers, pull and release to shoot.

Pros: Stealthy, rubber band is widely available, bullets are easy to make, it’s free.

Cons: Short range, not very durable (who the fuck cares? Rubber bands can be found anywhere)

Green bean pipe
This has got to be the simplest yet most awesome weapon that has ever been invented. It’s fast, it’s easy to ‘operate’ and it’s badass. If all these traditional projectile weapons were to be likened as real guns, then this ‘green bean pipe’ has got to be the formidable machine gun.

Physics: The whole thing pretty much works like the principle of a blowpipe. You know, you use your mouth to blow out projectiles through an elongated narrow tube. Now instead of using a real blowpipe, you use a straw. Just grab one from McDonalds. Then go buy a pack of green beans (not sure if it’s really called green beans, just refer to the pic on left to make sure you got it right). Load handful of it into your mouth and blow away with the straw. Laugh.

Pros: Fast shooting rate, medium range, inflicts badass sting on target, cheap, biodegradable, recyclable (depends on where the beans land on…), stealthy.

Cons: Bullets depletes kinda fast (coz it’s so much fun doing the shooting), choking hazard for retards.

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Of course, that’s not all. These are just part of the common ones. It’s impossible to actually cover all of them (alright, I’m kinda lazy to do it…).

But then, I guess it’s enough to cut the mustard. Why waste the money when you can home-make your own projectile weapon? You’re welcome.

I was with the guys at this popular food joint for lunch today and was quite elated to find that it wasn’t as crowded as it has always been. Well, that’s because today’s a holiday and there weren’t that much hardworking people like us around. That makes our eat-out kinda relaxing today, you know, we get all the nice tables we want and got our food delivered lightning fast.

It all went well through the first 5 minutes, until a group of “shapeshifters” came in with a dozen of obnoxious kids.

Alright… you’d probably be wondering - what the fuck is a “shapeshifter” ? It’s my new term to describe those fucked up housewives. You see, the noun “housewife” is too general to describe that faction of contemptuous housewives whom I loathed, and can be unfair to those clean apples that fall within the same group.

So I did the next best thing - I stereotyped this group of people and called them “shapeshifters” instead. Why shapeshifter ? Here’s an illustration that pretty much explains everything.

So now you know what’s a “shapeshifter”…

Anyway, this group of shapeshifters… was leading a pack of boisterous kids into the food joint, making hell lot of a noise right next to our table. There were a few of them yelling concurrently at the kids, commanding them to hush the screaming and noises already. That’s right, they fucking yelled louder than their kids to quell their screaming. *shakes head*

Then they yelled more to command the kids to get at their seats and dragged the tables & chairs for a couple minutes before settling down at 2 separate tables. And we thought that’s about all we ever have to endure from them but we were so wrong. These shapeshifters, would continue to yell and scream throughout their meal (alright, maybe they were just talking but, it sounded very much like yelling to me) … spattering chunks of semi-chewed food on their tables… as if it has been ages since they had any contact with the outside world.

Somebody from our group actually said that these were probably some bumpkins that came out from the nearby bushes to celebrate Deepavali, but I don’t think that’s true as I can see that they are actually Chinese. Most probably, they’re from somewhere distant like Singapore. Whatever. Not that it matters anyway.

The thing that matters is how these people bring themselves about. Like, can you imagine if I were to be some alien visiting from outer fucking space ? What would I think of Earthlings ? Their simple act of rowdiness could have brought a major misconception of our world.

And pissing me off (as a visiting alien) would probably result me going over to their tables to suck their brains for dessert out of compulsion …. and THAT… would have caused an unnecessary pandemonium in a quiet Deepavali afternoon at that food joint.

Damn those shapeshifters. Can somebody please teach them some morals…

To you parochial girls out there, feel grateful today. For I, the wise and friendly one, decided to educate you girls a bit about the anatomy of a firefight. *firefight = a verbatim translation from the Hokkien slang of “Kew Huey”, which means “Taking a Piss”.

Now, why 2 hands ? First, please peruse the illustration provided below.

Note:
I’ve replaced the picture of the serpent with a fire hose to conserve the family-friendly rating of this site of mine.

As you can see, our wiener has the characteristic of a shapeshifter. A shapeshifter is something that’s able to fucking change it’s shape. Usually, our dicks will be flaccid just like any harmless dormant fire hose at it’s default state. But when you rub it or provoke it with something soft and warm, it will transform into something scary that resembled a really fat snake with bloated head shaped like a chicken’s ass. (I’m very sure most of you girls know about this. If you don’t, go find a nearest toilet bowl and … )

Yes, I vehemently believed that this is pretty much the basis of how Incredible Hulk was originally innovated. A normal sized organism that would spontaneously transform into a gigantic monster when provoked - oh… the resemblance. The only difference is probably the color. A dick doesn’t turn green in it’s monster mode.

So much for the introduction… now back to the topic. Usually, when a guy goes to pee, his dick should be flaccid as mentioned. He first has to unzip his barn door and use his left hand (assuming that he’s right handed) to pull down his underwear’s elastic band. This will unleash his serpent from it’s hiding place, ready to drain out his bladder content.

Being flaccid like that, you can imagine that it’s very hard to actually control the stream of urine right into the urinal (or any target) without assistance. Just imagine it like a fire hose jetting out high pressured surge of water without it’s firemen. It will just flutter everywhere soaking everything wet in it’s path. Now, nobody would want that type of cataclysm to occur in front of the urinal.

That’s why, we’ll have to use the other hand to hold the serpent to carefully control the torrent of gushing urine so that the pee could be delivered to it’s desired destination. Like, into the mouth of a thirsty housewife. Kidding.

That hand plays a very important role in complementing our marksmanship (Guys are known to have the uncanny urge to shoot something in the urinal while peeing, like a strand of pubic hair, dead insects or blotches of unidentifiend stain) and hygiene. The word “hygiene” was mentioned because we have to shake off the remaining drops of urine from our dork with that very hand. (Quote from The Hot Chick - “Remember, if you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it.”)

So, it’s one hand holding the underwear, the other controlling the hose. As simple as that. (It looked like we’re holding our kkc with both hands but, now you know it’s not quite the case…)

You’re now bestowed with the knowledge of taking a leak with a dick. By now, you should already know how to whip out the serpent, piss and shake the remaining droplets off without too much complications; should you ever be given a functional dick.

You’re welcome.

I frantically waded my way into the office toilet, took my stance in front of an urinal, whipped out my schlong and drained it like a Formula 1 fuel pump. That was so because that bag of urine has been held back in my bladder for some time already, thanks to my extremely lazy habit of delaying my trip to convenient myself.

Alright, I kinda had to offset myself some distance off the urinal (about 2 ft) due to following reason:

1) some part of my organ is too great in length that pretty much limited my room there…
2) the pressure from my bloated bladder causes the urine to jet out in such force that it causes an ammonia drizzle that might wet my pants (imagine Niagara Falls)

It was all done in such a haste that I was unaware that the toilet was actually full house at that particular moment. Totally oblivious about the mass of pisser in there, I let out a big heave of relieving sigh to complement the climax of emptying my bladder (I’m very sure you guys know what I’m talking about). It was only after I opened my eyes that I realized there’s approximately 8 other blokes draining their lizards right at the same time.

That’s some weird phenomenon if you were to ask me. That’s because usually, guys dislike taking up adjacent urinals next to another guy for some reason. But on that day, it was as if the management’s offering a 50% bonus incentive for any random bloke who’s lucky enough to get spotted inside the toilet by the boss.

Feeling somehow embarrassed about my lack of toilet manners (that thou shalt not make any weird noise inside the toilet), I turned my head to look around to inspect the degree of reputation damage that I had sustained. It was all cool until I turned my head to my south-west direction … when I saw AcheAss right behind me; standing in a slanting direction to shoot at the urinal. (he has a short dick)

It appeared that he has too little space to work on his urinal because I was standing too far back from mine … and he had to slant his position to pee. It’s really hard to explain … but, here’s some graphical illustration to aid your understanding …

He kinda stood too near where I am, that it made me worried about him straying off his urinal and wet my pants. Should that ever happen, I’ll probably gush my piss on his face since it’s not really a hard thing to do (for him being so short and me being so, physically adequate.).

And I kept wondering, what a jerk he was. Like, he could have wait for everyone to evacuate the toilet first… or at least politely ask me to give him some room… you know… like being courteous or shits like that. I could have tried to be benevolent by giving him a little bit of space, but I chose not to. Instead, I turned to him and said “Damn, this toilet is too small and crowded, isn’t it ?”.

That’s some message with veiled sarcasm… but he was too shallow to comprehend that …and just responded with a menial nod coupled with a smile.

Told ya, potatoes are better.