There was this girl in my workplace (let’s call her Charmaine), who has the hottest body.

A pair of dainty racks, long legs, gracefully slender frame, healthy tan … contagious smile … and with a profound taste to dress up not too revealing like a tart and yet not too conservative like frump. She’s perfect.

We (me and the BOE’s) would get to see her every now and then during our lunch time, as she usually passes by our meet up place at the entrance. And we will pause whatever we are doing, and radiate ourselves with the sight of her electrifying magnificence.

And last week, we were exactly doing that - you know, watching her bouncing across the hallway (stealthily … of course)… our sights followed her like a heat seeking missile into the carpark.

From what I managed to observe at the time, she’s probably walking towards a shade to wait for her boyfriend for lunch. Must be some young rich bastard - I thought.

But I was wrong. She wasn’t heading to the shade. Instead, she hopped up onto a rattletrap which was driven by this porcine fat bloke. That was when I asked the guys :

“Oh my fucking god, did you see that ??”

Of course they did. None of us could believe what we saw. It stuck out like a sore thumb - an oddly matched couple. The guy has a heavily cratered face, was corpulent, has disheveled hair … looked just like Spongebob Squarepants. The only thing that probably matches him was something of cross species. Perhaps a genetically engineered bipedal pig that talks. (Strange, that actually reminded me of someone …)

Who would have thought that a girl like Charmaine would even think of dating a sleaze of such revolting magnitude ? This guy must be one hell of a smooth talking son of a bitch to be able to coax a her into a starting a relationship. (think about it… it really takes a lot for one that looked like a complete disaster to hook up with anything at all… let alone a bomb like Charmaine)

Or perhaps he’s just lucky that she’s an ardent fan of Spongebob Squarepants ? Whatever it was, it sure has hit us hordes of oglers like a tonne of collapsing bricks. A painful sight of reality that tells us, nothing is impossible as long as you have the elements - faith and self confidence.

If Spongebob can get himself a bombshell just because he’s confident about himself, then why can’t we normal people get a better score for the things had always we hoped for ? Not necessarily a relationship boon but could be something like success in life… or a specific set of goal. It’s the same feeling of witnessing a hardworking disabled person earning himself some bucks while feeling ashamed of ourselves for being such a complete sloth…

And that sort of motivated me to face my work with a more positive attitude that day… I started to see things differently and adopted more patience in my problem solving tasks… And I know, if I were to be given a few more obstacles, I’m gonna fucking hurdle it through like I’m the greatest goddamn engineer that ever existed in … [hands crossed in front of me]… my own little space. No shit.

Fuck Spongebob Squarepants.

*kids, stay out.

While we were having our breakfast this morning, Wilson suddenly nudged our attention to a chick that was walking past our table.

Wilson : “Hot bod, but the face is a bit out of alignment…”

I kinda agree with his second point, but not the first. Well, that’s because I think the ‘chick’ was too fat. Cute maybe, but not hot, please.

Me : “No way I’d call that body hot, dude. She has too much cellulite… and her head’s bigger than my monitor”

Wilson : “A bit fat … but I think still acceptable…”

By this time, the rest of the guys were already laughing till they’re almost in the choke-hazard stage. Some were fast reaching the critical condition.

Me : “The only thing nice on her is her boobs. They’re kinda big… so big that they’re able to supply enough nutrition to grow 6 kids each tit… and she doesn’t need airbags in her car…”

Wilson : “Ahahhahhhh ! Yeah man, total.”

Me : “But then, those racks might be just useless lards. No nutritional value at all. Junk food. Coz she’s too fat like that…”

Wilson : “At desperate times, you would think otherwise…”

Me : “No way. She’s a health hazard. You’re gonna get all kinds of disease like diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol… just by fucking her. TOO MUCH OIL IS BAD FOR HEALTH !”

By the time I finished that sentence, the rest of the guys are already choking for air. That’s because they’re laughing too hard while eating at the same time.

Nothing like a good laugh in the morning…

That was a private conversation within us guys and constitutes no ill-will towards the particular individual or any types of individual in general. No blimp chicks were harmed in making this entry…

I was straying out of my concentration and was staring into an eternal blank space in my workplace cafeteria, after having a session of energetic yak with the guys… when I noticed something that begged for my attention. It was right at the corner after our table, a spot in between a group of young ladies having their morning chat, about 10 feet away…

What was that ? It was a very lowly cut pair of jeans revealing a deep butt crack, strategically placed within my field of view. Of course, sights like this are so common nowadays, that you see them more often than your boss’ face. But, this isn’t all about just boring butt cracks. This is something more.

You see, that was no ordinary butt cracks that I always see, but one that stands out from the rest - in a negative aspect. That piece of butt, was slightly discolored from the usual epidermal hue. It has this reddish freckles on it. Feeling curious, I tried to observe more carefully on that crack … and found out that those aren’t actually freckles ! Those are ripened hickeys growing from that ass cleavage ! I’m not even sure if it’s somekind of flared out skin disease happening down there or was it just some rashes developed from unclean wipes. But I’m pretty sure it doesn’t look very healthy or rather, hygienic… to me.

I immediately responded with a disgusted look … which was duly noticed by my fellow engineers. They sort of gave me this quizzed look, and I thought it would be a cool idea to ruin their breakfast. So, I told them about it …

“Dudes, I want you guys to be cool and remain calm about this, ok ? Now, slowly, one by one, just look over there… [discreetly point at disastrous butt crack's direction] … check out that girl’s exposed butt crack…”

But we all know guys are not made to follow instructions, so… in lieu of doing it in a way that attracts the least attention, those idiots turned their heads simultaneously at that same direction - gazing into that cleavage of radioactive waste. The next 10 seconds that followed flashes before me in a lightning pace with all sorts of reactions of vexes you could name - yelling cusses, disgusted sniggers or just simply with a dumbfucked expression.

The worst part was, out of my own control, I muttered “Fuck ! Why wear a low cut jeans when she has so many zits on her ass ?? That’s damn disgusting !”

And that girl actually heard that (I didn’t actually noticed that myself, but was told by one of the engineers). According to the guys, she actually readjusted her pose to sit in a more ‘upright’ position after that statement… and kept pulling her T-shirt to cover her butt crack. She must have felt real mortified by my blunt statement. (I shifted my attention to something else after making that statement so…)

Herpes assed girl, if you’re reading this, please accept my apology. I can’t remember how you looked like … but, if we ever meet again, I promise to recommend you a really good skin doctor to get your ass back to normal again.

*18SX warning. If you’re a minor, fucking go to sleep.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- Brenda.
- Petite Chinese female
- 5 ft to 5 ft 1.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Abnormally large bosom may potentially cause postural issues that, in turn, may indirectly increase health hazards.

Team members
Wilson (Investigations)
MichaelOoi (Investigations & Report)
Pirate (Data Analyst)
William (Optical Specialist & Ballistic Consultant)
TC (Statistician)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a pair of larger than average bosom.
- Bosom increased in size over the span of 12 months ~approx. 1 - 2 inches (*excessive kneading by spouse)
- Subject exhibited a slight hint of slouching to the front.
- Gross estimation of subject’s bosom constitutes approx. 20% of body weight (excluding bra).
- Gravity test passed.
- Radiance appears to be in decreasing trend (12 months burn in period)
- No other physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- Slouching was suspected to be due to the disproportionate of body structure. High volume of tissue mass on upper half of body causes center spine to act as a fulcrum leveraging the gravitational pull of the mass - creating a concentration of strain/stress on spine. The body naturally slouches towards the front to compensate the excessive stress.
- Long term exposure may cause muscle fatigue and spinal cord injury - which may lead to paralysis or even death.
- Slouching posture may also cause both mammary glands to droop downwards towards gravitational pull and deform the original shape of bosom. High risk health hazard.
Potential scenario : Saggy/deformed/elongated bosom may stuck on moving mechanical parts when subject operates heavy machinery.

Corrective Action(s)
- Propose to permanently install a metal beam support from the lowest lumbar spine, right to the neck region of the subject. This is to distribute the stress force from the spine onto the metal support.
- Also propose to install an inverted “L” shaped bracket support under each booby. The inverted “L” bracket would help to reduce the direct gravitational pull and distribute the booby mass across the abdominal muscle.
- Subject to increase the weight of lower half of body to compensate/even-up the disproportioned body size ratio.

End of report.
Department of Gynaecological Studies.

*I’ve verbally heard of claims that excessive kneading of tits may increase it’s size … what do you guys think ? Any scientific truth in it ?

*occurred approx. 2 weeks ago in Melaka

We were looking for a place to party after our dinner … and after rounds of illegal u-turns and spasmodic yank of steerings at alien junctions, we finally managed to spot a pub… club .. whatever, that looked kinda promising. You know, young people in adequately revealing dress code and all that. Not a very big place but, it’s good enough for dicking some dogs.

After parking our vehicles, we then congregated at the pub entrance (there were 10 of us). Our group kinda attracted a lot of attention from the pub patrons… being watched in a disdain manner. We’re like a bevy of chickens who got lost inside a duck farm.

Well, that’s because we dressed very differently that night …No, we didn’t wear ’see throughs’ & reveal our butt cracks. We actually wore bermudas and flip-flop sandals into the pub. It’s a long story on why we did that, just, for the sake of keeping this entry in a reasonable length, let’s assume we’re doing some revolution in the Malaysian fashion scene.

We then lumbered into the premise like a bunch of communist rebels that has just descended from a nearby forest, and settled on 2 tables right in the busiest section of the pub. About a good 20 minutes later, a group of 6 young college girls settled on the next table beside our’s.

3 out of the 6 were rejects… and not worth even a glimpse (let’s not mention about them) … 2 of them were cute and the final one, which seems to be the leader of the pack (a yuppy class female) - was a total knock out. Tall, bright eyed and with a porn star body cut. She was wearing this… black bareback … thingy, that only has this 2 pieces of loose fabric covering her set of dainty rack … it’s really hard to describe but, it’s conspicuously seductive.

From the moment she walks in, nobody cares about our flip-flop attire anymore. Everyone were focussing on the scantily clad bombshell. There’s one particular moment when she even stooped down, in an angle right by the side of her chest, one can actually see her tits from the rift of her frontal fabric — her tits were covered with the type of strapless sticker bra (I don’t friggin know what it’s called)… but it’s enough to trigger a massive adrenalin pump.

Meanwhile, the another 2 cute girls, doesn’t seem to be impressed with all the attention the pack leader got. They desperately tried to win some attention around by dancing skankily. One of them was especially desperate. It was heck of a funny sight. Let me explain how she did it :

Her legs bent in a half-squat pose, her body stiffen up straight, and sway rapidly to the front and back. If you’d remove her clothing and cover up the pub scene, one might mistaken her plowing a cow using a prosthetic dick. It doesn’t matter what type of music was being played, she’ll shake it all up the same way, same tempo.

The other girl, would just flail her arms around as if she’s having somekind of a seizure … Her friends would need to keep an offset distance from her - coz if they don’t, they’re gonna get hurt seriously by her randomly flinging hands. It was an unbelievable sight - we get to see boobies, hump dance and someone having seizure … all at the same time.

I almost choked from laughing too hard when I saw Ronnie trying to emulate those girls’ way of dancing - which he purposely did it like a doggy styled sex. I swear the girls actually saw what he did and gave him a derisive look. That’s when I started to follow suit and we laughed ourselves stupid.

I guess those girls must’ve felt really pissed with us ridiculing their funny shits using our body language, to which they responded by moving to another table deeper into the floor.

Things people do just for attention.