1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- a chick in office attire.
- 5 ft 7 - 5 ft 9
- late 20’s
- Executive level workforce

Problem statement
Improperly aligned attire may rouse unwanted public attention.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)
Jason (Optical Specialist - special division)

Observation
- Subject was a taller than average working class female.
- The team unanimously concurred that the subject has a rather fair complexion
- Attire was best described as ‘decent’, consist of a typical button up office-wear blouse and a brown knee length denim tight skirt.
- The denim skirt appears to be laterally misaligned, approximately 45 degrees out of sync from the original position.
- The misalignment was apparent enough for any third party observer to notice - that 2 of the skirt pockets that were supposed to be located on each of the subject’s hind cheeks, were offset to the side of the subject’s left hip and center of the derriere. (refer illustration below)

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The misalignment could have occurred :
a) …when subject was donning the denim skirt - Subject could be in the state of stress (eg. late for work, boyfriend refuse to copulate, drifted concentration, etc) when donning the afore mentioned denim skirt, which in turn, could have inadvertently resulted the original blunder.
b) …after the denim skirt was being donned - Originally, it was properly aligned, but however, due to unforseen circumstances, the skirt sort of shifted by itself and caused the misalignment. This could be due to the unmatching size of the garment (too loose, lack of retention force, etc).

- That improperly aligned skirt may potentially aggravate a seemingly harmless situation into a life threatening emergency condition.
- A possible scenario would be a race to the restroom to purge an exploding diarrhea, where the misaligned skirt might cost the subject a few precious microseconds to unnecessarily fumble for her displaced zipper/button to undone the whole article.
- The tardy response in turn could soil her underwear, which if it were to be worn into the office, its malodor might cause latent ill effects to her co-workers. Potential symptoms may include nausea, loss of appetite, accelerated asthmatic attack, malaria, ebola, ruptured uterus (for females), impotence (for males) and even nostril cancer.

Corrective Action(s)
- Unlike a 2 pronged pants, a skirt is tubularly hollow inside. Hence, it is quite difficult for one to notice if she has worn the skirt in the wrong direction, especially if it were to be done in a state of hurry and in condition where lighting is scarce.
- Based on this understanding, the team had concurred that it is imperative for a skirt to be designed in such a way that the person who wears it will be able to differentiate the correct positioning even when it’s in the dark (and conspicuous enough for the person to see).

Proposed solutions:
a) Using technology (expensive)
The skirt has to have its own positioning system. Such can be achieved by attaching a battery powered bluetooth beacon on the front side of the skirt and another reference beacon to be placed on the subject’s head (can be worn like a hat/cap/mask).
The reference beacon on subject’s head will be used to triangulate the position of the skirt beacon. The data obtained will be made to go through a comparison algorithm preset inside the reference beacon, as such that if both the beacons are not in line or pointing to the same direction, the reference beacon will electronically activate an alarm (or perhaps deliver an electric shock) to alert the subject that the skirt is not properly aligned.

b) Using wits (cheaper alternative)
Subject can purchase those glow-in-the-dark plastic letterings, and stick following phrase to the front side of the skirt - “PUBE SIDE”. And following phrase to the rear side of the skirt - “ASS SIDE”. This solution requires subject to look at her skirt from time to time to be effective.

End of report
Department of Gynaecological Studies.

What the fuck is wrong with you girls, huh? What’s with the fluorescent mini flare skirt and that repulsive looking triple strapped Japanese schoolgirl blouse? Don’t you people have a sense of fashion no more?

You motherfucking cheebye Teriyaki bitches, please do us people a favour, go kill yourself and make the world a better place.

*Teriyaki girls/bitches/biddies/hags = a new term to describe somebody (a female) who has a poor sense of dressing up like a fictional doll, 20 years behind her real age.*

We have waaaaayyyy too many Teriyaki bitches around in Company X. Gotta find a way to snuck a burner beneath that skirt and toast a beaver or two…

*If you’re a minor, would you kindly fuck off.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- the same hot chick
- 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Ignorance in selecting proper attire at workplace may cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a synthetically dyed hair, color of what appears to be a match of a Pongo pygmaeus.
- Heavy presence of chemical on subject’s face.
- Subject was wearing a cropped beige blouse a size smaller than her recommended size.
- The above garment was paired with a complementary beige colored mini low-slung flare skirt, which was also a few sizes smaller.
- A large flab of abdominal lard was visible at the region in between both undersized clothing article.
- The flab was estimated to consist enough energy to light a blubber lamp for approx. 2 weeks.
- The relatively short miniskirt also exposed a significant area of subject’s inner thighs, which appears to be dominated with convoluted networks of varicose veins.
- Report from Espionage division : Subject was wearing a pair of black lacy undergarment, which has it’s upper hem protruded above the miniskirt waistline.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- Both undersized clothing article was insufficient to cover the subject’s vast properties of dunes and ravines, creating a void at the middle section.
- Due to the sarcoid nature of the subject, the pliant tissues of the abdomen was compressed at the lower section and oozed forth at the upper from the waistline of the undersized miniskirt, creating a revolting illusion of flabby ’spare tyres’.
- Prolonged exposure to the afore said illusion may induce loss of appetite, insomnia, cardiac arrest, permanent blindness, dementia, stroke and even brain damage to the gawker.
- The tight low-slung miniskirt, in the meanwhile, would impede the bloodflow to the subject’s nether region - which in turn, might render the subject paraplegic. An extended period of restricted bloodflow may even gangrenes her clitoris or rectum.

Corrective Action(s)
Assuming that both the conflicting clothing articles were to stay:
Subject would need to suppress the lard tissues from bulging out at the center void of the body. This can be achieved by either means of following process:

a) Expensive solution - By cinching the waist with a tight fitting corset. The reinforced inward clench of the corset will push the fatty tissue inwards, spreading it evenly across the torso, displacing the lards to the subject’s bosom and derriere. This in turn, would shift the gawkers’ attention towards the subject’s mammary funbags and hindquarters department.

Warning: This would however, only divert the original problem to a less critical level. Prolonged exposure to abnormally large bosoms/hindquarters are known to cause deterioration in natural reflexes, hindering workplace productivity amongst male employees.

b) Cheaper alternative - The same advantage of wearing a corset, however, can be achieved with a cheaper alternative - by using poly-ethylene coated tape (a.k.a duct tape). The subject would just need to wrap the duct tape around the protruding lardy area tightly, beginning from the lower portion of the breast extending until the upper pubic region, emulating the effects of a corset.

caution:
- not to overlap duct tape onto the furry part of the pubic patch, as the consequences can be dire…
- certain individuals may be allergic to duct tape adhesive. It is advisable to test duct tape on small portion of skin before going ahead with plan.
- duct tape may cause certain medical condition due to lack of ventilation. Subject may be confronted with a whole new level of problems that are equally (if not more) potent than the original - like prickly heat, skin laceration, cervical hemorrhage, herpes, syphilis, VD, polio, etc.

End of report.
Department of Gynaecological Studies.

*If you’re a minor, get out of here

I like solving problems. Solving problems is good!

~~~~~

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- hot chick
- athletic built frame
- 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Transparent linen flare skirt directly/indirectly contributes to lack of productivity amongst the male employees.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a balanced body ratio.
- No organic modifications visible, except for a couple of pseudo eyelashes (unconfirmed)
- Heavy presence of chemicals on subject’s face.
- Gravity test failed. Minute or zilch presence of mammary glands.
- Subject appears to be donning a pair of white linen flare skirt.
- Radiation material visible underneath the mentioned skirt. Appears to be white cotton.
- No further physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The thin mass of linen material of skirt offered little impedance for light photons to pass through.
- As subject was donning a pair of white cotton lolas, it creates an uneven textural properties between the epidermal surface of the abdomen and the cotton material.
- When light photon passes through linen & hit the solid wall of infinite mass, the differential of surface texture reflected a substantial delta of the colour spectrum - a flat white versus a slightly off fair beige.
- This would thus project an image to the human gawker, as the radioactive cotton material conspicuously accentuated between the differential of light out of the epidermal surface… that the subject is wearing just an underwear to work.
- The visual beacon reflects light in a radial manner.
- Assessed damaged is estimated to be at it’s maximum potential - 360 degrees under an average lighting condition.
- Side effects induced includes lack of concentration, amplified rate of hormonal production, increased heart beat, excessive perspiration, excessive bloodflow to the luncheow male reproductive organ, asthmatic seizure, glaucoma, cataracts and tuberculosis.

Corrective Action(s)
This proposal was made by assuming that the white linen flare skirt is the permanent factor and solutions are to be promoted revolving it.
- The key containment plan is to eliminate the differential of spectrum of the reflected lights off the subject’s nether region; by ensuring that the material residing underneath the white linen is uniform across the surface - which can be easily achieved by
a) wearing a large geriatric type of undergarment
b) wearing nothing underneath that skirt.

Proposal (a) would be the least favourable solution considering the fact that the subject is a relatively young and attractive female. Wearing a pair of grandmotherly underwear may void her credibility as a hot chick and prolonged wearing of such poor ventilated garment may cause genital warts and thrush.

Proposal (b) would be a recommended containment action. By removing the cotton undergarment from underneath the linen skirt, the reflected light will thus be made even - minimising the arousal of the opposite gender that could cripple the productivity at the workplace. Other advantages of this cotton removal procedure includes better ventilation of the feline creature beneath the abdomen (keep it content and all that..) and also less detergent used to wash the aforesaid cotton material (environmentally friendlier…)

The negative side of proposal (b) would be that the darker hue of the frontal pubic region would create an equivalent, if not worse, adversity than the original cotton issue. But this, however, can be easily solved by dyeing the pubic hairs to white colour.

End of report.
Department of Gynaecological Studies.

My radar caught something again yesterday while I was having a break in the cafeteria with my colleagues. This time, it was a chick from some department at the checkout counter, wearing a splitted tight skirt high enough to reveal most of her thigh.

I got pretty hyper on that and remarked to the guys

Me : “That girl sure know how to dress… too bad she wasn’t good looking enough… But it’s alright I guess…”

Hewey, one of our buddy managers, then quipped

Hewey : “Ahhhh… she’s nothing. She just wear her clothes undersized… so that it’s tight like that…”

It was tight alright, but I knew he was just trying to ‘control’ a bit…

Me : “Oh yeah ? After a couple glasses of drink, less lighting and a little bit of a partying mood, I’ll wager that you’d be slobbering over her…”

Hewey : “Ermmm.. maybe… alcohol fogs the mind… sheesh.”

Me : “Well, that’s how these less good looking face manage to get some partners… you see. If everyone’s seeing things like you now, we’ll be experiencing mass extinction of the human race. Nobody will ever get laid.”

Hewey : “But I still think it’s quite important for a guy to groom up a lil’ bit, you know, to cover a wider range of samples. Not just the ugly ones. Pretty chicks dig neat looking guys.”

I think Hewey got it all wrong. Here’s why

Me : “Wake up lah… Pretty chicks dig loaded guys. Doesn’t matter if you look like a whale. They’ll flock to you. It’s a materialistic world today.”

He gave a deep thought about it, and replied

Hewey : “I still think looks are important. Like Sean Connery… oh man, that old guy’s still damn charming…”

I’m not too sure if that’s the very gay side of him or was it just a very feminine expression… anyway…

Me : “But then, there are still exceptions. Like if you’re damn good in bed or something… you know, those girls might probably dig you just for that. But that is, if you manage to make them aware about that fact. That means, back to square one … you’ll still need to be loaded to get them interested.” *shrugs*

Hewey : “I have an idea. You don’t have to be rich. You just need to look for a loose-lipped nosy bitch and hump the daylights out of her.”

That’s strange. Loose-lipped nosy bitch.

Me : “I’m sorry, a loose-lipped nosy bitch you said ?”

Hewey : “Yes, a loose-lipped nosy bitch. So that she’ll go around to spread the news that I’m great in bed. Muahahah !”

And we cackled like a bunch of jackasses having a seizure like that …

He owned me that afternoon. I was speechless.