A friend I knew back during my newsgroup days wanted to know what are the cheap good stuff in Penang that he should try out. I made him a list, and thought of sharing it here.
You guys should fucking thank me like, seriously.

*****
Henry, here’s a sample list of food in Penang you must try (where the locals go, tourists don’t know) – and none of the stuff in this list is expensive. All cheap.

Mee Rebus / Pasembur – N5 26.044 E100 18.898 (island)
My favorite joint for mee rebus and pasembur (always have these 2 together). The mee goren so-so, but claimed to be famous as well. Lunch time only.

Laksa / Chee Cheong fun / Duck Porridge / Muar Chee – N5 22.972 E100 18.242 (island)
One of the best laksa in Penang (apart from the Penang Road laksa). I personally would recommend this over any others (the Air Itam laksa is not even half this good). Also check out the Chee cheong fun with special shrimp paste (mixed with peanut butter), best muar chee in Penang – all at the same place. There is also a stall next door selling awesome tou foo fah. Closed on mondays. Lunch only.

Char Koay Teow – N5 23.333 E100 23.218 (mainland)
One of the best in Penang (definitely wayyyy better than that stupid Lorong fucking Selamat char koay teow). Closed on Tuesdays I think, lunch only. Note: The guy who stir fries the Koay Teow is the dad with mustache. If you see the son, or the wife stir fries the koay teow, don’t order. Wait until the dad shows up. The old man sometimes have business to settle outside and comes in late for work.

Banana Leaf Indian food – N5 23.281 E100 23.288 (mainland)
Just nearby the char koay teow place. Cheapest in Penang, and one of the best. (I acknowledge that the Indian food business is a gray territory, because most of them are pretty good. But this is definitely good and cheap).

Cendol – N5 20.964 E100 26.074 (mainland)
Shared this with you before. A stall just outside the food court. Best cendol in the world (served with pulut). Only RM1.20. I always whack 2 bowls back to back (without the pulut though). After 12pm only. Closed on certain week days, not sure which.

Bak Kut Teh – N5 21.627 E100 26.689 (mainland)
Notice that there are 2 joints opposite each other with the same name. Both are equally awesome, because both are estranged brothers from the same master (that’s what I heard). But I personally prefer this one (the one near a road junction). Serves lunch and dinner (but closed in between lunch / dinner hours). Closed on certain days, not sure which.

Yam rice – N5 23.066 E100 23.463 (mainland)
There are 2 shops here selling Yam rice (served with pork spare parts + pickled vegetables soup). Both are equally good. Lunch only.

Curry Mee – N5 23.610 E100 17.888 (island)
Curry mee is a very subjective topic. Different people have different definition of how a bowl of good curry mee should taste. To me, a good bowl of curry me has to have garlic in its ingredients. This stall in a morning market here, is one of the very few in Penang that serves curry mee with a distinct garlic taste. Morning only, 8 – 9 am. Make sure you ask for more chilli paste (because that’s what making it special).

Curry Mee – N5 25.156 E100 19.451 (island)
Been quite a name in the internet lately. If you missed the morning curry mee above, come here. Also one of the very few curry mee with distinct garlic taste. Lunch (and dinner, I think). Cocky bastard manning the stall inside but, his food is pretty good, so it is forgivable.

Yong tou foo / Popiah – N5 24.799 E100 19.100 (island)
The Yong Tou Foo here is a fav amongst the locals, and the popiah sold by a mamak family is also awesome. Only available from 1.30pm onwards till 4pm. A true roadside hawker style.

Char hor fun – N5 22.925 E100 18.253 (island)
One of my favorite Char Hor Fun stall (watt tann hor). After 6 pm only. Closed on Mondays I think.

Lor Mee , Char hor fun, Hokkien Char, Marinated pork soup – N5 24.857 E100 19.980 (island)
One of a kind black vinegar Lor Mee you must try. Also serves best Char Hor Fun and Hokkien Char in town. Brought many outstation friends here before, all were very impressed. After 6 pm only.

Oyster Omelette, Firewood pizza – N5 24.994 E100 19.429 (island)
Sin Kim San coffee shop’s oyster omelette. I’d kill a kitten to have a plate of the oyster omelette here – it is THAT good. 8 bucks a big plate with fat juicy oysters. The stall is located on the same row as the firewood pizza – which in my opinion, is the BEST in the WORLD (really). The pizza usually have to wait for at least 40 minutes due to the long queue. Go there after 6pm. Closed on Mondays I think.

Hokkien Mee / Oyster Sauce chicken rice – N5 23.539 E100 18.443 (island)
I’ve blogged about the stall in this coffee shop selling Hokkien Mee before. It converted me into a believer of Hokkien Mee (I wasn’t a fan until I came here). The chicken rice stall next to it is also very good. Go there in the morning (8 – 9am is fine).

Hokkien Lor Mee, toast, coffee – N5 25.048 E100 19.742 (island)
You know Old Town? Fuck Old Town. Come here instead. You get better food at a fraction of Old Town’s price. The Hokkien Lor Mee (shrimp soup mixed with the starchy gravy) is my favorite. Ask for pickled garlic. At a short distance away (shortcut walk through the back alley of this Hai Onn coffee shop), you can buy a plate of Char Koay Kak (stir friend rice cake), at this location N5 25.030 E100 19.745, and bring over to enjoy with your toast and bowl of Hokkien Lor Mee.

Char Koay Kak 1 – N5 25.398 E100 19.307 (island)
The location is unmarked and is approximate. Everyone who lives in Penang know this stall. Only available after 8pm (could be earlier – not sure). Extra greasy with pork lard and artery clogging. But VERY good. Closed on Sundays.

Char Koay Kak 2 – N5 24.270 E100 17.201 (island)
The Char Koay Kak here is also nice. Equally greasy and artery clogging, this will be my hang out joint if I don’t feel like going to town to get Char Koay Kak 1 up there. Closed on certain days, not sure which.

‘Sup Kambing’ – N5 25.330 E100 20.045 (island)
This is the famous Sup Kambing (actually, many types of soup) at upper Penang road. If I ever go drinking with my buddies in this area, chances are high that I’d drop by for a bowl of heaty ‘sup kambing’ (mutton soup). Also serves decent roti canai, nasi kandar and a whole of bunch of those kind of stuff. Dinner till wee hours in the morning.

Chee Cheong Chok – N5 24.898 E100 19.583 (island)
Chee Cheong Chok is a cantonese styled pork spare parts porridge. Roadside stall, been here many years. If pork spare parts is your thing, you really must try this. Night time only (go there after 8pm).

Beef soup Koay teow – N5 24.685 E100 22.322 (mainland)
Best beef soup koay teow in Penang, easily, hands down. If you have not tried Ta Han beef soup koay teow at Kg. Benggali, then you’ve not tried anything. Outside the coffee shop, there’s a stall selling ‘Kan Tong’, which is a type of creamy sweet grain dessert, operated by an Indian bloke who speaks fluent Hokkien (sometimes operated by an Indian lady). Use the dessert to wash down your beef soup, all in less than 10 bucks (beef soup + dessert). You’ll cum in your pants. Opposite the coffee shop, there is also a Malay lady selling kick ass curry puffs at only 40 cents a piece. So if you can try all 3 in one lunch, you would have achieved nirvana in a true 1Malaysia fashion, while cumming in your pants. Go there during lunch time (as early as 11am). Closed on Tuesdays.

Wan Thun Mee –
Wan thun mee is a stupid no brainer food. Only requires good quality noodles, and some soy sauce or something. One gotta just know how to mix the right amount of sauces to get it right. So that boils down to how good the wan thun (pork dumpling) is, and for that you can go to following stalls that I’ve personally been and found to be quite ok:
Sri Siam coffee shop – N5 21.874 E100 26.726 (mainland) – lunch only. Closed on Tuesdays.
Chulia street – N5 25.089 E100 20.183 (island) – go there after 7pm.
Terengganu road wtm – N5 24.338 E100 18.512 (island) – unmarked/approximate location. Go there after 8pm.
Greenlane – N5 23.704 E100 18.101 (island) – Go there after 7 pm.
Greenlane Heights – N5 23.610 E100 17.888 (island) – same area as curry mee recommended above. Morning only.

Ok, I think this should be good enough for you for now. I think I can go on to produce a dozen more lists like this… hahah. Enjoy your search man.

Michael Ooi

Ask a Penangite which local food he/she’s going to miss most when away from Penang for a long period of time, you can bet your ass that person’s going to opt for ‘Hokkien Mee’ (noodle in prawn soup). It’s an all-time local favorite that has a long history of its own amongst its followers. A mere mention of ‘Penang Hokkien Mee’ could cause severe side effects such as spasmodic seizure, uncontrollable sweating, temporary paralysis, and for some extremely serious cases, near death experience. There’s only one remedy known to that – get the hell to Penang pronto and have a bowl (or a few). It’s how good it is.

But being in Penang for all my life, Hokkien Mee was just another suck ass food I could easily get from basically all over the place. I was NEVER excited about Hokkien Mee and was NEVER a fan. I’ve tried almost every place, none of them could give me the kind of kick that made me crazy enough to go back for more – well, until I accidentally discovered Uncle Tony’s Hokkien Mee, about a couple clicks away from where I live. That was about a year ago, when I was scouring for breakfast one morning at a place I frequented. I wasn’t in the mood for anything that morning so, I ordered a takeaway Hokkien Mee from a guy operating a Hokkien Mee stall who somewhat resembled a good friend of mine named Tony (hence the name). Then I went back home, and had that pack of noodle. The feeling I had was close to coming in my pants! It was the most fucking good Hokkien Mee I ever had! (and one of the cheapest too, only RM2.50) The first thought I had was, maybe it was just a one time thing you know, as I have experienced countless of times at other outlets before. So I decided to try Uncle Tony’s stall for a few more times, and verified its consistency. From then on, I found my enlightenment and achieved nirvana. I am now a level nine saint with enough prawn essence in me to clog the arteries of a thousand hearts.

So where is Uncle Tony’s stall located? For Penangites, it’s located at So Young Cafe coffeeshop/kopitiam. Right beside the famous oyster sauce chicken rice stall. Make sure you go there before 9.30am. For those of you dumbass Penangites who have no clue where So Young cafe is, it’s located at Jalan Tan Sri Teh Ewe Lim, about 200 meters after Lam Wah Ee Hospital. For those of you with GPS, it’s located at the following coordinate : N5 23.539 E100 18.443. If you still do not have an idea where it is, then fuck off, you do not deserve a piece of awesome from Uncle Tony.

Uncle Tony’s Hokkien Mee. Looks normal, but it is not.

That was what I had at Pizza Hut. Pizza Sambal something something. Couldn’t register the name but it wasn’t important. What’s more important – is that this pizza sucks donkey cock. It’s the most awful pizza I’ve ever had in my life.

I should have known it when the waitress told me I can’t upgrade this pizza (sambal something something) to ‘stuffed crust’ (as I usually would). Like, what kind of a pizza is it that does not allow us to add extra cheese? I didn’t give much thought about that because I haven’t been very sane ever since Regine was born so, I just played along. Little did I suspect anything until I saw the wretched ‘thing’ served on my table. This… ‘thing’… isn’t actually a pizza at all. It’s actually a flattened piece of saucer-shaped cracker with weird garnishing on top.

And the garnishing, aren’t grated cheese, pickled organic dildo (read: cucumber) or pesto sauce, but encompasses mostly of fuckloads of anchovies. Not just any anchovies but, those deep fried hard-ass salt preserved anchovies, like those commonly found in our local pack of nasi lemak.

Don’t mistaken me, I have nothing against anchovies. In fact, I think anchovies are cool. But when you have a whole generation of deep fried super salty anchovies on top of some fine semi-delicatessen like a pizza, it can get really nasty. It feels like, stressing my teeth to the limit and testing out the reliability of my kidneys in a single meal. So, the whole experience was more like, eating anchovies with some crappy thin crust that no birds are gonna even peck.

Goddamn.

I’ve noticed that this isn’t the first time Pizza Hut came up with some innovative ideas by blending our local Malaysian flavors into their pizzas. I wonder what makes them think that this is a good idea. As far as I’ve seen them tried so many varieties, none of them were any good. This is Malaysia goddamn it. If us Malaysians want to have our kick of say, satay or chicken masala, we can just haul our ass to any hawker outlets and grab a bunch of those with just a fraction the cost of these stupid local flavored pizzas, isn’t it?

Which nulls this as an innovation overall, in my opinion. Hell if this is what they would refer as an ‘innovation’, then the hairs growing out of my bunghole (with randomized twirls and curls) would win me a Nobel prize. I can easily predict what their future specials would be in the very near future:

Cincaluk flavored pizza
Rojak flavored pizza
Roti Canai flavored pizza (beefed up with Tongkat Ali extract)
Roti John HongKong flavored pizza
Michael’s dick flavored pizza (makes you feel as if you’re fellating me – that’s damn more Malaysian than anchovies. It gives you the different kind of salty flavor, I assure you)
et cetera

What a terencat. Man why can’t they just leave pizzas as pizzas?

Just… stay away from this Sambal something something crap.

(the best pizza I ever had was at Lamar Street at Austin, Texas. USD5.99 eat-all-you-fucking-can lunch. It was so fucking awesome, that I whacked 3 large pies of pizzas myself… phewwwh)

Hi it’s me again. The chef side of me. If you don’t know the ‘chef me’, you should probably fucking die. If you do, well, feel excited already and read on.

Today, I’m gonna teach you guys how to tweak a butter sandwich into a caffeine laden awesomeness – by combining coffee and butter in the same sandwich. You might be probably asking now, ‘how the fuck is that possible??”. Well, in the realms of a great chef, anything’s possible. That’s why you have me here doing community services for you clueless blips out here.

Alright, let’s not waste anymore time shall we? Let us see what we need to create this great piece of art here.

1) Instant freeze dried coffee. Please do not be stupid enough to buy blended coffee beans. Those shits are not edible. They’re to be brewed and sifted away, not to be ingested directly. I repeat here, we need INSTANT freeze dried coffee powder. If you do not have a brand in mind, I’d recommend this – Nescafe Espresso freeze dried coffee. A wee tad pricey but, trust me, this one rawks like a hurricane.

2) Salted butter. Not just any butter, but one processed from the milk of a Virgo cow. If you couldn’t find that, get an alternative like SCS or Anchor. Like the coffee, these brands are top of the notch brands. If you can’t afford a better butter, don’t be eating breads. And if you’re thinking of substituting it with a margerine, don’t. Margerines suck donkey cock and they’re junk food for hippies.

3) White sugar. Any regular sugar. They’re all the fucking same anyway.

4) Sliced white bread. Not wholemeal, bran meal or whatever grain meal. Those breads taste like shit. We just need white breads. A good one that is (we’re making a masterpiece here, so, get something good). Gardenia’s good enough.

5) Proper tools to do the job. A good quality butter knife and a comfortable-to-hold teaspoon. Butter knife for the butter, teaspoon for sugar and coffee. DO NOT ever use a spoon to spread butter on your bread – it might cause unpredictable results. Always remember to use proper tools for the proper job. (have you seen your dad polish his car with a tampon? That figures…)

Alright, first, get 2 symmetrical slices of white bread and lay it out on a clean plate.

Spread the salted butter on the 2 slices of bread with the butter knife. Now, if you can remember what your art teacher used to tell you not to over-paint your artwork out of its outline? Well, this would be the time you put that skill into a good use. Carefully spread the butter, not to overspread it out of the sliced bread’s edge. Like this:

Next, sprinkle some white sugar evenly on each slice of the buttered bread. Use the spoon to do it. The grains of sugar should stick on the buttered surface. If they don’t, well, acknowledge that your uselessness has just defied the laws of gravity and you should probably quit making your own sandwiches.

Then comes the coffee. Like the sugar, sprinkle the coffee powder on the surface of both slices of bread with the same spoon. You should practice caution not to over-sprinkle it as well. Too much of it, the sandwich will taste bitter. Too little, it’ll lose its supposedly distinctive awesome coffee taste. It has to be at that right ratio with the sugar. Use your instincts.

Both slices are now done. Now you need to assemble both of them into one. The spread surface should be the point of contact for the assembly (If for some reason you made a mistake and slapped the non-spreaded surface together, you ought to have your head checked). Try to line them up as perfect as possible just so that the spreads do not protrude out at the sides – which might stain your hand or worse, your favorite sofa.

You can add sliced or grated cheese to your liking. But for me, I like it plain like this. The cheese would spoil the coffee taste and also, too much dairy stuffs will fuck your arteries.

Once you’ve got it, eat it. Now, don’t you feel smarter already?

I ate one of these 2 weeks ago…

Alright, in case you’re wondering, those are actually silkworm larvaes. Deep fried. Yes, I ate ONE of those. Just one. (I know, I know, shut up already…)

I was accompanying one of my marrying buddies to the Thai border to get some praying material for his wedding, and decided to party at a nearby pub. Had lots of drinks, and came waddling out feeling hungry. Then one of my buddy’s accompanying friend bought a pack of something, and I asked him what are those. He then grabbed something out of the packet, and beckoned me to open my mouth. I took a look around, and saw the stall which he bought the packet from – it was full of bugs and larvaes that resembled a tragic scene from Fear Factor.

I went “Oh shit”, and that guy kept hounding me to open my mouth and stop acting like a bitch. Since I was feeling a bit woozy from the intoxication anyway, I was like, alright… what the fuck and gave it a try. And there the little guy went, popped into my mouth by that friend, and I gathered whatever senses that’s left in me to savor the taste of that larvae that I chewed that night:

Its outer skin tasted a bit salty (well, that’s because it was sprayed with soy sauce), and the innards tasted a bit bitter, with some hint of that aromatic taste of shrimp roe. Not bad at all. But, that thing also came with a stench that I don’t really like. It is that same acrid smell you get from those beetle larvaes sold at some pet shop (which are used as bird feeds). And that was the aftertaste left in my mouth for the following 30 minutes or so … and each time I belch, it reminded me of those repugnant beetle larvaes. Ugh. I guess that’s what it must be like being a bird. Fuck.

The smell was so fucking strong, that I had to blanket it up by eating a few more deep fried grasshoppers! Goddamn!

*that marks another milestone in my quest for food, and this round, I broke my vow of not to fucking hoover anything that resembled worms, larvaes, caterpillars or any creepy crawlies that I fucking loathe. Thanks to the alcohol intoxication, I have now joined the ranks of those freaks that eat disgusting slugs for thrill. I guess I won’t starve myself to death when I’m lost at some jungle somewhere, for I have bugs to eat and tribals to screw (was joking about the latter part).

list of non-domestic animals that I’ve hoovered before (to date):
dog, flying fox, squirrel, python, wild cat, fruit bat, turtle, lamb, goat, iguana, ostrich, pigeon, wild boar, pangolin, canary, frog, clear water eel, arowana, fox, civet cat, crawfish, rabbit, black panther, scorpion, grasshopper, silkworm larvae