You guys know Sudirman? I’m sure most of you farts who are as old as me (or older than me) know who he was. For those of you who don’t, well, he used to be a famous and truly talented Malay singer. And he’s one of the very few Malay singers whom I hold high regards of (his earlier years only anyway… his Michael Jackson impersonation in the later years was appalling though).

Good looking as he may be, there’s this very dark side of him that’s undeniably scary to me. It all began when I was very little, when I was having sleepovers at my grandparents’ place. It was located at an old pre-war kind of neighborhood in the city. Because we did not have a TV there, I always came out of the house in the evening after my dinner to hang out and stuff. And it was about that kind of hour when Sudirman would appear, and terrify the shit out of my kiddy ass.

And no, the guy was not actually Sudirman himself, but a madman who had an uncanny resemblance of the late singer, hence the nickname. He was about the same height, had the same voice (not for singing, but for screaming and cackling), only much older. But to me, he looked more like one of the cannibals in “Cannibals Holocaust” (everyone should watch this movie at least once). This fake version of Sudirman would go around the neighborhood screaming profanities in postal and threaten kids like me. Man I was so fucking scared of him. If my father was around though, he’d threaten to kick Sudirman’s ass and that madman would just bail. But I know, if Sudirman were to stay back then, I don’t think my father’s able to do anything but run for his life because that Sudirman’s stench from the gunk and chumps on his hair alone could kill anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in close proximity. That was why I never liked the real Sudirman in his later years, because as he grew older, the more he looked like that madman ‘Sudirman’.

It was all forgotten until that day when I was in the corporate induction program – where one of the Indonesian girl kinda reminded me of this madman Sudirman. The girl was masculine, had the same voice, height and was also a little bit off in the head. When the HR guy was not in the room, she’d make all these weird noises and grunting that reminded me of that madman Sudirman. It actually churned some really uncomfortable memories there… and I was actually fucking worried that she might bite me or something like that! (the amalgamation of ill thoughts – cannibals, madman Sudirman, Indonesian hostility towards Malaysian…). And I had to stay in a small orientation room with her and her pack of honchos! For 2 days!

Fucking Sudirman. Here’s a track of the real Sudirman singing one of his best songs, to commemorate how awesome that guy was when he was young. –> “Milik Siapakah Gadis Ini”

I saw someone on the street today who reminded me of a childhood friend called Ah Foot. Memories of him then wafted into my mind.

Ah Foot’s mom and mine were old friends from their youth, and that was how I came to know him (I’ve never really known his real name though, he was only known as ‘Ah Foot’ to me). I remember Ah Foot and his mom would frequently visit us at our home, and the ladies would have their deep talk (I was too young to understand), while Ah Foot and I would jump/run around like idiots. His mom would sometimes talk until she gets real emotional with tears, but like I said, I was too young to understand.

But all of that stopped after some time, when we grew a little big older. Ah Foot and his mom stopped visiting, and we became distant of each other. Ah Foot’s mom would still occasionally meet my mom at the marketplace somewhere (without ‘Ah Foot’) though, and as usual, would get emotional when she talks. She seemed like a very sad woman to me then (that was how I perceived her as a kid).

I only learned very much later that Ah Foot’s mom was always sad because she was a victim of domestic violence. Ah Foot’s dad was a total scumbag, a wanton philanderer and a habitual wife beater. Because Ah Foot’s mom was an Indian (yes, Ah Foot’s a half Indian biologically, but he was raised a 100% Chinese), she was also subjected to ill treatment from her racist mother-in-law. Yes, she had to contend with the 2 front of assholes at home. ‘Sad’ would be an understatement. She turned to my mom because she had no one to turn to.

Then it got worse. When Ah Foot was old enough to reason (about 8 – 9 years of age), the scumbag of a father of his started to brainwash him into despising his own mother – which he began to hate. His father told him that his mom was a prostitute (which she indeed was, way when she was young, due to some sad circumstances), aggravating the hatred even further. That was how Ah Foot’s mom got to the verge of almost killing herself. She had to face hell from 3 fronts – her scumbag husband, her MIL and her very own son. She only had 1 other younger son to cling on to, which luckily didn’t share the same rancor towards his mom like Ah Foot.

But that all changed one day when Ah Foot was 15 – 16 years old, he went to his mom to apologize for all the hatred he had given her. That bizarre turn of event came as a shock to his mom but she forgave him nevertheless. He was basically a changed person for only one day, and on the next day, he got run over by a school bus. It was as if he knew his time was up and he went around to apologize for his mistakes.

The mom, despite all the shit she had endured from Ah Foot, would still remember Ah Foot as a repented person and a good son when asked. Sad story, but true.

I saw this fat mamak (Indian-Muslim) guy when I was having my dinner with my family yesterday. He ambled into the coffee shop looking hammered, and teased the fat coffee shop lady owner who was frying some chickens nearby, who also seemed to know him. The lady didn’t give a shit about the guy, and then hollered to her husband (who was inside the premise) to make something (inaudible) for that almost shitfaced mamak.

Then the mamak guy went on his way towards a table – in a rhythmic gait like he was Mr. Fucking Bojangles – all smiling and talking shit to himself. When his drink was served, he even teased the fat coffee shop lady owner’s husband, who also didn’t give a shit about him. He then continued to talk and laugh to himself. At that instance, I started to get a bit disturbed and worried because I realized that he wasn’t really hammered, but more like out in the head. You see, he was just a table and a half away from us, which was really near. Trust me, when you have your own kid with you, you’d be worried when you see a madman within 100 meter proximity.

Anyway, I kept an eye on that mamak blimp, you know, just in case he goes amok or something like that. But luckily, he kept to himself the whole time, except for some really bizarre twitching and self cackling. Then suddenly, that guy turned to look at me, and it hit me like a train after I got a good look at his face. That guy was someone I knew! He was one of my primary school classmates! And if I remember correctly, I think I may have even pummeled him up before!

The guy’s name is Ahmad Anwar. Remember the story I wrote about my friend Pukemachine who stole a calculator belonged to someone named Maqbul? Well, this Anwar guy was Maqbul’s bitch. They’re always together. They came to school together, sat together, ate together and played together. In today’s society, they would have been duly labeled as ‘totally gay’. But they were just very close (ok, I don’t really know. Come think of it, they COULD be gay). So close, that the teacher thought they were fraternal twins.

I remember this Anwar used to be a skinny fart who was a very reserved character. He was always filthy and most of his exercise books were stained with curry (along with Maqbul’s as well), and he always get reprimanded by the teacher for having the curry stains on his exercise books (which was really funny to me at that time). He was always the last 5 in class (if not 3), and I remember he could not even recite the full list of alphabets in his late primary. The guy was lazy, a total mess and was destined to be a bum in his adult life. Looks like he got more than what he was destined for. He is now an orang gila, a madman, talking to himself and the parasites inside his bloated belly. This is just so frigging sad.

I was so goddamn worried that Anwar would come over to my table to remind me of something I don’t remember (like pummeling him up when we were in school?). But luckily he didn’t. He didn’t even know that I was me. So I quickly got my wife and kid to finish up and left promptly. Anwar gave me a smile before we were out of his sight. Creepy.

Over a glass of beer,

Me: “Man, it seems that 2009 will probably hold the record as the shittiest year ever. Almost all of us in the gang lost our job…”

Charles: “Yeah, and Michael Jackson died too.”

Well, I haven’t really lost my job but, I am about to. I applied for a VSS to leave Company X. To those of you who do not know what’s a ‘VSS’, it’s the abbreviation for ‘Voluntary Separation Scheme’ – it’s a deal where the company would compensate you to get the fuck out of there, on voluntary basis.

So, I volunteered. Still subject to my boss’ approval though, but I think I’m going to get it. If this gets through, it will be a major change for me… as I have been with Company X for more than a decade. To you geeks out there, this change is akin to a direct upgrade from Windows 95 to Windows 7 on the same set of hardware. Yes, it is as wretched as that. I’m gonna have to be out there again looking for a job, which I don’t remember how anymore. I dread of the prospect of myself having to elbow a multitude of skinny fresh graduate fucks just to grab a job which those cocksuckers are willing to work for less wage and more hours for. This is definitely going to be tough.

But there’s a good side out of this though – I’m gonna get a large sum of moolah from the VSS. May not be enough for me to buy a bootlegged jet engine but, it’s enough to clear off my mortgage to lighten the load and still have some dough left. I initially thought of using the money to plan for an emigration, but the idea had to be temporarily shelved due to some family complications. So right now, the tentative plan is to do nothing with the money, and only worry about everything when the time comes. (maybe to invest in another property, I don’t know).

On the other side of the development, I’m glad that my precious little daughter has been doing quite well after moving to a new nursery. She’s 3.5 years old now, as hyper as any healthy kid and is now able to speak in some shitty Mandarin (learned at her own accord at the nursery) on top of her English. She’s also picking a little bit of Hokkien and Cantonese here and there… But I think she’ll be well versed in all the dialects and languages in no time. I’m keeping my hopes up.

Then about a couple of months ago, she also started to show the inquisitive side of her, as I have predicted back in April 2006. Her first ‘why’ question was, “Daddy, why is the sky dark at night?”, followed by “Why does it rain?” about 5 minutes later. Like I had vowed previously, I went ahead to answer her honestly with only the truth – about how the planet revolves around the sun and the idea of water evaporating into clouds and condenses into rain drops etc. She quickly lost her interest on the lengthy explanation though… but still, I couldn’t have been any prouder of her.

And that’s basically all about 2009. Bitter and sweet. Bitter story at work, sweet experience at home. I guess that’s how life ought to be. It won’t be that interesting anymore if everything’s fine at work. I won’t have that much stuff to blog about if that were to happen. In fact, after most of my dumbass colleagues left (Elliott, Mojo Jojo, Rod, etc), I lost about 40% of my inspiration to blog. I hate to admit this but, I kinda missed them when life’s too peaceful at work and there wasn’t anyone dumb enough for me to ridicule at. This blog has been and will always be, revolving around the ridiculous stuff that stupid people do and how I react to them. Without stupid people around me making boners, it’ll be like a titty bar without strippers. The substance will be lost and this whole thing will be nothing but an epic failure.

So I’m taking this hurdle as a cue for a change. I’m going to focus on getting a new job next year, whether or not I get the VSS. And if I were to get a job, hopefully it will be one with a good balance of stupid people and hot ass bimbos… I certainly could use some of that. That will be the main challenge for me in 2010. Wish me luck if you have some to spare.

This will be my last post for 2009. Before I fold, I would like to take the opportunity to wish all of you out there a very Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.

I had a rather big squid for lunch today, and somehow got reminded of what a friend of mine told me (about squids) many years ago.

That friend’s name is Ah Lung (means ‘dragon’ in Chinese). We were on a vacation together with a few other friends to Phuket. It was one of the most memorable vacations I ever had. Anyway, there was a particular time during the vacation when we were talking about having squids for dinner (or lunch… I forgot), when Ah Lung said something about squids…

Ah Lung : “Whatever you do, guys… don’t order squids. Especially the big ones.”

Then somebody had to ask him why…

Ah Lung : “Fuck me! You guys haven’t heard what they say about squids!? What the fuck??”

A couple of us let out a snigger. But I was one of those who did not get what he was talking about.

Ah Lung : “Alright, let me tell you this. You know, a lot of fishermen nowadays hire stinking Banglas to help out at the sea. And when they go out to the sea, they go for weeks. That’s when these bad things happen.”

I think I was the one who asked ‘What bad things?’.

Ah Lung : “These Banglas, not used to being away from land without sex, would get horny and fuck these giant squids! They’d remove the head out, insert their penis in there and jack off! So if you ever see a squid with only the head part without the body, stay away!”

I didn’t believe him at first.

Me : “Come on, you’ve got to be shitting me! Why can’t they just jack off? Why fuck a squid?”

Ah Lung : “People would fuck anything that resembles a cunt! Think about it. What else could be as soft as a goddamn squid and has a harmless moisty hole for them to fuck?? You can choose not to believe this man, but what if it’s true? Can you imagine that? Maybe those whitish protein laden eggs aren’t really squid eggs…”

He was right. Even if there were to be a fragment of truth in it, we’d be fucked big time. I never looked at squids the same way again from that day on, well… until today… I got careless. I already finished the whole motherfucking squid when Ah Lung’s booming voice reverberated across my hollow mind… *cues in suspenseful violin music* Ptui ptui!