Archive for the ‘flashbacks’ Category

December 12, 2003

the uphill test story

Circa 1994, when I was 17. It was the day I sit for my driving test. Back then, I was required to take a total of 4 tests to get a full pass. One of them was called ‘the uphill test’ – which the examinee was made to drive up a steep slope without fucking up.

Here’s exactly how it goes : The examinee is required to drive the car halfway up a steep slope, and stop when the front wheels of the car are right on top of a box (painted on the slope). Then yank the handbrake and switch off the engine. Examining officer will evaluate if the wheels are inside the box. Once ascertained, the officer will give a signal, and the examinee shall start the engine again and ascent the remaining of the slope from static without stalling or going astern. Only 2 attempts are allowed.

It was a test that dreaded by many but not me. ‘The uphill test’ was way below my standard. To me, it was as easy as lifting my ass cheek to rip out a rhythmic fart. I totally have no problem with it.

But the story I was about to tell, is not really about how awesome I was. It is about something that I witnessed that day. It happened while I was waiting for my turn to sit for that ‘uphill test’.

There was a big crowd waiting for ‘the uphill test’. I had waited the whole morning and I remembered seeing many teenagers around my age failing for that ‘uphill test’. They’re almost all the fucking same boring routine. And most of them were girls. But one of them stood out like a sore dick in a sea of rotten beavers and burned an impression so deep in memory… that I graded it as one of the wackiest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.

The girl was about my age. Scrawny and pale in complexion (probably nervous and very scared). From the moment I saw her, I reckoned that she’s going to chicken out the very last minute, but she got to a good start. She managed to make that car climb up the slope and stop right inside the box. Not bad – I thought. I was probably wrong after all. But I was too quick to judge for the second time that day.

When the examiner flagged for her to start the engine and continue to ascend the slope, she started to get really nervous. I was looking right into her windows when that happened and I could see her sweating like she was in a sauna. She frantically cranked the engine, stepped on her gas pedal and released the fucking handbrake. See what went wrong? She forgot to step on the clutch and engage a gear. The end result was pretty much predictable – the car glided down the slope backwards.

That was when her panic went apex. She went into a temporary stupor… and completely lost her senses to even stop the gliding (backwards and downwards) car! The next few split seconds were really fucking hilarious – now, instead of stepping on the brake pedal, miss panic here decided to climb out of the car window to abandon car (yeah, it didn’t come across her mind that the door can be opened as well). Pretty much like what most doomed sailors would do in the event of the ship sinking. She was about halfway successful doing that when her quick thinking instructor came flying to her rescue and shoved her right back in and grabbed the steering from the windows.

and the only thing that she had in her mind was probably “I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE! I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE!”. She even forgot how to stop the car from gliding further.

“Brake bitch! brake!” the instructor shouted.

But she was too stunned to be able to react to anything. The poor instructor had to stop the car by dragging his feet on the ground for several more meters. The entire blooper reminded me of those goofy actions of superman trying to stop a speeding train.

The blooper got the whole crowd of spectators in stitches – everyone erupted into a fit inducing laugh and there were gallons of tears squirting out from a few hundred eyes. Although I did spare some conscience for that unfortunate girl but it was simply unbearable. It was so downright stupid and dumb, that it’ll be suicidal to suppress myself. So, I decided to fuck it – I laughed hard and suffered some cramps.

After that, she got her second chance to for the uphill test again. With tears still wet in the eyes, the crowd watched in anticipation. But it wasn’t too much of a suspense, as she got the entire thing repeated again. The exact same thing. This time, it wasn’t that mild. The crowd exploded and laughed harder. I myself laughed so fucking hard, that I had to squat down to avoid injury.

It was classic, and somewhat of a relief for the boring afternoon under the hot sun. It was blooper that had to be retold again and again as an unbelievable and yet entertaining story (at the expense of somebody’s misfortune…) And that’s exactly what I did during the lunch break that day, in a nearby shack cafe to a bunch of my new found friends who missed the event (yep, I make friends everywhere I go..). When we’re laughing at the story loudly inside that canteen, I realized that the scrawny girl was just sitting behind me — with a pale & mortified look. Shame on me for being such a tool – I should have looked around before telling my tale…

The girl of course flunked her driving test… along with her self respect and dignity.

Nervous girl… if you are reading this blog from somewhere, I just wanted to say that I was sorry for what I did at the JPJ canteen, and to blog this out…

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November 3, 2003

my confession

Oh.. I am such a cruel person. I have done so many mean things to animals, that I think the animals probably hate me more than I hate Elton John. I feel so bad about myself now, and I just hope that someday, I will be able to make it back to the animals… gosh…

Here are some of the evil stuff I did to animals in the past… :

1) A dog was sleeping under my car. I ran towards the dog and stomped hard on the ground. The sound jolted the dog up from its sleep and as a result, it knocked its head underneath the small space under the car. I then laughed out loud while pointing at the dog.

2) A dog was chasing my car barking insanely at a quiet residential area. I then did the emergency brake maneuver – as the dog was too close to be able to stop in time, it crashed head first into my bumper. I then laughed out loud pointing at the dog.

3) I was walking in a neighborhood. A large white dog came up to me. The fucking dog stood up on its hind legs and put it’s paw on my chest. It was trying to lick me on the face. When I pushed it away, the dog switched its attention to my balls. I then gave the pervert dog a Bruce Lee kick on its jaw – sent it flying into a nearby drain.

4) I caught some small fishes in a river with my buddies. About 10 – 15 of them. Me and my friends then put those fishes inside a can, then lit a candle under it. As the water temperature slowly rises to near boiling temperature – the fishes got themselves some unexpected hot spring treatment.

5) A male cat was picking up a female cat. Tried to hump the female cat but kept getting rejected. Girl cat wasn’t in the mood. But sex maniac male cat was resorting to rape. When he tried to mount up again, I slingshot a rubber band on its dick and got hit spot on. Cat jumped up in pain and reflexed by scratching my hand with its claws. I got pissed off and gave the cat a kick on its ass, sent it flying a few feet away.

6) A white cat disrupted my studies when I was doing revision for an exam in a night class. My friends and I mischievously drew some graffiti on the white cat – making it the first ever Mardi Gras body painting cat exhibitionist in South East Asia.

7) A cat was walking past cautiously in front of me when I was strolling along in a village. I didn’t like the way the cat looked at me, so tried to scare the cat away by doing my best impersonation of an angry ogre. Cat panicked, and shot itself in lightning speed into a small pathway full of chickens hanging out. Cat crashed on the gang of chickens and landed on the ground several feet across. Saw plenty of feathers flying around but cat was nowhere to be seen.

8) Rob (my boss) asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a certain electronic failure on a motherboard. I sarcastically replied him, that if it could, there would be no more FA engineers on planet Earth. I made him look like a fucktard.

(I’m not sure if incident #8 is considered an ‘animal cruelty’. My boss is an undead, so he’s definitely not human. That’s why I decided to include that in… )

I am sorry for everything I did. Please forgive me, my dear animals… I know some of you are reading this blog.

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October 23, 2003

moments with my dad

Dad once asked me “Son, how do u know if a condom leaked and your life is in peril?”. I was dumbfounded. No, not because the fact that this was asked by my own father, but because I was still quite young in age. How the hell would I know anything about condoms? I was only 15 at that time, questions like that would have been considered absurd to my standard…

So I replied him “How would I know lah??”

He then quipped “I just have this idea… you know… just wear it and apply some medicated oil on the condom. If you feel hot or something, then you’ll know, it’s leaking.” And then he laughed like a retard.

And then for some reason, I laughed along too, and when I managed to recover, I then asked him “What about the girl lah?”

“Who gives a damn about the girl? hahah” And we laughed even harder, like shitheads.

+++++++++++++++++++

My mom and dad were arguing about gender importance in a family.

“Old fart … If there weren’t women in this world, there will be no pants for you to wear. You should be grateful that we’re here to sew your damn pants” My mom launched an attack.

“If there were only guys in this world, who needs to wear pants lah?” my dad then cackled like a hyena.

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October 22, 2003

ultraman

The relationship between me and my father was very unique. We spoke to each other like buddies and there was no barrier between us. Although he did not spend much time with me, but time spent being with him was never at all dull. It was always full of laughter and fun.

Some light moments with my dad…
+++++++++++++++++++

My dad’s a fan of martial art. When he was young, he was an active member of JingWu and also an alleged disciple of Muay-Thai (but I’m pretty sure he didn’t master all of them).

There was once he told me that he could break bricks with his bare hands and also perform a 180 deg split with his legs without problem, but I never believed in him. I had asked him to prove those claims many times but he told me that he only could do it when he was younger, and the only existing photograph showing him doing the ‘split’ was lost. Yeah right.

Besides that, he also gave me a lot of philosophical advices and insights, something about martial arts and its stupid ‘chi’ thing. Amongst the most absurd of the lot, was the ‘chi’ breathing technique. He told me that the breathing technique was the key element in keeping our body at its optimal state. It goes like this – breathe in deeply, hold and release the air from our lungs slowly and steadily. (that was how I was made to understand). It was stupid alright.

One day (I was 8 at that time), my father insisted me to do the breathing technique or he’d ground me – just because he wanted me to try it out so much. I was left with no choice but to do it – I kinda stood outside of my grandma’s house, and did the breathing exercise at the veranda.

Halfway through, my favorite Ultraman show suddenly came on air (I knew that because the neighbor’s kids were blasting the TV so freaking loud). I immediately stopped the exercise and skedaddled over to my neighbor’s place (it was a coffee shop) and watch the show with the kids.

I would watch the show till it was over, and snuck back home and continued the stupid breathing exercise (my father wasn’t aware that I had been to the neighbor’s place). A short while later, there was this Indian road-sweeper bloke strolling past where I was… and saw me doing the breathing exercise. The guy then snickered, and snidely remarked “Wah …. Ultraman aah? Heheheh”. He then flashed me the Ultraman cross-hand sign that was used to zap the daylights out from monster villains.

It embarrassing. I mean, I wasn’t one of those stupid kids that were so crazy about Ultraman. I was just doing the martial arts breathing technique that was suppose to regulate my ‘chi’. I had never felt so insulted as a kid before.

Unable to contain the humiliation, I then fled the scene and dive back inside the house, and swore on my life to never to do that stupid breathing technique ever again. Fuck ‘chi’. After that day, my father never mentioned anything about breathing exercise to me again – as if he knew about the Ultraman incident.

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October 17, 2003

tuition class blooper

I was in this tuition class when I was 16. There were plenty of girls there, but I didn’t know most of them. Obviously, that was probably the main reason I enrolled for the tuition service there. Girls. It was always never about the studies. I’d go there to ogle at girls, you know, teenager stuff.

One day, while I was doing my usual round of scanning, I noticed something unusual about a girl that sat right in front of me. It was her T-shirt. There was this small logo on her back, about the size of a small coin. The logo, which was supposed to be located at the front side (left chest area) of her T-shirt, was actually on her back, and I was looking right on it.

I wasn’t sure at first, if what I saw was suppose to be right, or could she have worn her fucking T-shirt backwards (which would be embarrassing). So, I asked for opinions from the guys around me. Who knows, they might know something that I don’t. A few brains would definitely make a better judgment.

The guys, upon hearing my question, went ahead to check the chick out and started to giggle like a bunch of retards, some even to the brink of shedding tears. The answer was obvious – I was right about her T-shirt. It was a confirmed case of extreme boner – the girl wore her T-shirt backwards, and was unfortunate enough to make it all the way to the tuition class without knowing it.

But then, I was sympathetic to the girl. I mean, it was fucking funny, yes… but being the one who discovered her blooper, I felt compelled to tell her about it. It wouldn’t be pleasant if this were to happen to me. Maybe if I help her, she would be grateful and we’d be friends. And perhaps if we’re gonna close enough, she’d give me a free blowjob… or at least introduce me some of her good looking friends, see?

So, I decided to help her. I tried to pique her attention by hissing, and try not to arouse too much attention doing that, as it might extend the reputation damage further to the front side. (the news was already widespread at the back portion of the class). The hissing got her to notice me, but the girl ignored my call. I hissed for another time, and again, I was ignored. Thinking that probably she was unsure that I was calling for her, I lobbed in a small folded piece of paper onto her back and hissed again. She finally responded. But not quite the way that I expected – she gave me a petulant turnaround ‘do-not-fucking-disturb-me’ reaction, and turned back to the front with an irritated demeanor. And as if it was not bad enough, she complained to her sissy boyfriend, probably something about me harassing her, which the wiener also made a quick turnaround to give me that despising look.

That really pissed me off. I was just trying to be kind to that bitch, but in turn, she gave me all that nasty attitude. I decided to teach that cocky cunt a lesson. I devised of a plan – to spread the message to the first person in her row, and then ask to spread the message down to the next person until it eventually reaches the bitch. Just like a domino effect. The idea was to spread the damage to the front, and have everyone laughing at her ass.

And my plan worked. The message went from mouth to mouth, and I could hear spurts of giggles here & there. And when it finally reached the bitch’s sissy boyfriend, it was already too late. Half the class was already giggling. Probably embarrassed himself, the boyfriend nervously checked the bitch’s T-shirt out like a baboon looking for ticks. Then I saw him leaning over to the bitch to tell her about the bad news. Almost instantly, I can see the bitch sprang up from her chair and desperately looking for an escape route (she was hindered by the rows of students sitting closely together inside the class). You can imagine her situation, she realized that all the blokes behind her were already laughing and everyone on her row were looking at her like she’s naked or something. I joined in too, I mortified the couple by laughing out louder, hysterically like a hyena, to ensure a full force of damage being done.

And we did not see the girl again after the incident. I reckoned that she might have quit the class, apparently unable to recover from the overwhelming humiliation. Serves her right for being a cunt.

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