Archive for the ‘flashbacks’ Category

September 1, 2004

the poo story

I used to have a grand-aunt who lived next door. If you do not know what a “grand-aunt” is, well, it’s a contraption that yaks non stop and walks on two legs. No… it’s my grandma’s sister, silly.

My grand-aunt, was a typical gripe machine. Anything that went into her brain, would come out a hundred times more vulgar from her mouth. She was cruel and would not hesitate to spill anyone’s secrets. It was needless to say, a bit dangerous to live near someone as sinister as her. Never ever let her found out that you’re trying to hook some girls up at home – it would definitely end up as national news the next day.

Needless to say, I was too smart to be affected by her wickedness and had very little issues with her at all. Instead, I managed to make myself one of her favorite grand-nephew. Hell, if you couldn’t beat the devil, why not join it’s league and have some fun ? And because of that, I always got to hear lots of gossips from my grand-aunt (let’s address her as GA for convenience’s sake).

One of the best ones I can remember was about an indignity of a lady tenant that rented one of GA’s vacant room. The tenant’s name was Hing. Was a vile looking creature in her 30’s …as skinny as a malnourished caribou and worked as a clerk or something. If there were to be a female version of Freddy Krueger, no fucking doubt, she would be the perfect candidate.

Her wretched looks aside, she was quite a demure person. Doesn’t talk much and doesn’t have a boyfriend (no surprise .. dude). My mom always commented that if it wasn’t her look, she would be an ok person. But I doubted that, as I always felt that there was something wrong about this lady.

Alright, one day, GA’s toilet suddenly clogged itself up. Flushing the bowl would cause the waste water to overflow and spread the brown chunkies all over the toilet floor. It was a situation that required professional fixing. So, GA pre-alerted Hing that the toilet will be out for a few days (or until it was fixed), and was asked to purge her bodily waste at work or somewhere else.

Fine, it was a message heeded well. In fact, too well. She actually took the ‘somewhere else’ advice too literally. Somehow, Hing had a sudden urge to defecate when she was taking her bath that day… and made a very absurd decision. Instead of holding her shit, she actually spouted her elongated fat piece of long poo into the narrow drain hole. Then she tried to jam it down the drain pipe by spraying a jet blast of pipe water into the hole. Thinking that her poo will delve it’s way through the pipe into the septic tank (a tank in older homes that deposits sewage water for purification. Usually located outside the compound), Hing settled off her bath as if nothing happened.

But she was wrong. Her pieces of solid shit got stuck somewhere in the middle of the pipe and sort of partially flooded the bathroom floor (which she did not realize). Then, the matter got worst – it suddenly rained very hard and the rain water began to seep into the septic tank. It caused a backward pressure into the bathroom and pushed all the motherfucks of Hing’s poo out from the narrow drain hole.

Coincidentally, that was also the moment GA came into the bathroom to fetch some stuffs, when she saw some unidentified floating objects inside the flooded bathroom floor (surprisingly, Hing had a floatable shit that day). Needless to say, GA freaked out as she thought those were some sort of mutated critters crawling out from the drain hole. The old lady almost squealed in terror when she decided to take a closer look with her short sighted eyes.

When they appeared to look harmless enough, she gained some confidence to investigate by poking those little pieces of brown floating turds with a toilet brush. It was tough at first (as GA described), but eventually, it broke up into pieces after she applied more force. That was when those turds began to emanate the locked stench of death from inside the hardened outer structure … which almost choked the poor old lady into comatose.

GA then screamed at Hing to explain about those floating shits. Ironically, Hing confessed everything and relived the entire episode of sadistic poo plopping event. That was how GA found out what exactly Hing did… and retold her tenant’s misadventures to the entire neighborhood.

And who would have thought, that this poo story would someday end up on the net… on my blog.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
August 21, 2004

jason’s near death experience

*once upon a time…

Me, Jason and an Indian lady was inside a descending elevator. It was all quiet inside, when Jason suddenly broke the silence. He spoke to me in Hokkien…

Jason : “dude… ”

Me : “yeah?”

Jason : “did you smell that?”

Me : “smell what ?”

Jason : “the lady… she stinks”

I took a glance at the lady, she looked back at me, then at Jason. (he was facing the control panel, the lady was right behind him, I was diagonally where they were…)
As I’m a (very) smart person, I managed to figure out that the Indian lady actually understood the Hokkien dialect (which is not uncommon in Penang). Instead of joining Jason to scoff the lady, I tried to steer my friend away from whatever he wanted to say about the Indian lady’s body odor.

Me : “errr… I couldn’t smell anything. Just shut up ok?”

Jason : “no man.. I’m serious. She fucking stinks… I’m about to keel over.”

I stole another glance at the lady, her eyes were almost popping out from her socket. Her face was portending evil and I could tell that she was about this close to strangling my friend right there. And Jason just wouldn’t shut the fuck up…

Jason : “heheheh… and please man, when I tell you that, it’s probably good if you don’t turn to look at her. She might notice that we’re talking about her…”

Me : “look man, i think you should just shut up… ok???”

I was trying to hint at him that he is in great danger, but Jason wasn’t really a bright person, and it was not that surprising that he didn’t get it. (he looked a bit like Jack Black)

Jason : “Did you see her face? man, she even has some facial hair… [giggles] Could it be that she’s a transvestite? heheh a stinking transvestite… ”

There were smokes coming out from the lady’s nostril…

I knew the situation had escalated beyond help, so I just kept quiet after that. I gave up all effort to save my friend. In fact, I was preparing myself to play possum if Jason ever got assaulted by the Indian lady. Jason the dork kept laughing and ridiculing the Indian lady until our floor stops – to which… I instantly jumped out of the elevator without looking back.

Fortunately, the lady did not do anything to Jason. Not even a verbal confrontation. Jason was very, very, lucky bastard. He could have gotten himself killed easily just by that ‘stinking transvestite’ remark alone. When I told Jason later about the whole thing, his face immediately turned pale looking and he shook like a fucking chicken.

Lesson learned : thou shalt never insult anyone without first check if thou’s back is clear…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
July 21, 2004

paranormal stories

I am always fascinated with paranormal stories. You know, the strange stuffs that science can’t explain. No, I’m not referring to events like missing underwear after an event of steamy sex… or the missing remote control in the living room. I’m referring to the REAL PARANORMAL stuff…. like some unidentified balls of light floating across a graveyard… or how a group of scientists mysteriously croaked after discovering an ancient tomb… things like that. Stuffs that defies all scientific explanation and law of physics, that is.

Throughout my life, I’ve heard numerous stories from my friends and families. Some real, some were totally bullshit. I have even encountered some myself, some are mysterious and some are just plain freakish. I’m about to share some here, and let you guys judge whether they’re worth believing…

story# 1
There was once, my friend Tony was driving back to Kedah from Penang in the middle of the night… and he was crossing the Penang Bridge. Halfway through the bridge, he suddenly saw a very bright light hovering above his brand new Nissan Sentra. He said it was bluish in color, and was kinda big. Then suddenly, a beam of light flashed out from the supposedly extra terrestrial aircraft and teleported him into it.

He went unconscious after that. When he woke up, he found himself being raped by a few pretty girls with huge boobies while he was tied to a king sized waterbed. He tried to wriggle himself free but, when he attempted to do so, one of the girls will suck his dick harder and he would be sapped of all energy to move. And then, he also claimed that he saw planet Earth from the spaceship window and also landed on the moon or something. He couldn’t remember how he got back to our planet but, he remembered he felt great after he landed.

Of course I didn’t believe him… because he was a bit drunk when he was relating this fictional experience of his.

story# 2
This was encountered by myself a couple years ago.
One morning, I went to Blackie and asked him about his Tag Heuer watch, which was bought 1 year before I got mine.

Me : “Dude, have you changed your watch battery before?”

Blackie : “Never. It’s been 2 and a half years. Still going strong”

Me : “Well, mine too. 1 and a half years. Was wondering how long the battery could last”.

The next morning, both our watches’ battery went flat. Coincidence?

story# 3
My encounter… again. Many years ago.
My mom, myself and a group of cousins were inside our family car late one night. We were outside my grandfather’s foundry, and were about to go into the place. We were there to visit my uncle’s family – who happened to live there.

The light was switched on at the top floor of the old shop house and we could see someone standing at the windows (from the shadow). I remember there were 2 shadows – one adult and another shorter one that looked like a kid. Both shadows were very still. My mom thought those 2 were my cousins, and so she honked – you know, just to alert them that we’re outside the building. The shadows didn’t budge an inch. Mom honked again. Again, no movement. Just when she wanted to honk another time, the main door at the ground floor swung open and my uncle greeted us from the entrance. His 2 sons were with him and we could see his wife was far behind in the main hall.

We were taken aback and decided to look at the set of windows again. The shadows disappeared. Thinking that my uncle was probably playing prank on her, my mom led the rest of the group up to the room and inspected every inch of the space. Turned up nothing. And when the rest of us got out from the room, my mom stayed behind to make sure she didn’t left out any details.

Then suddenly, my mom skedaddled down the stairs and ran towards the entrance while shouting “chow aa! fai tit! fai tit!” (translation : run! faster! faster!). I was not sure what happened back then but ran together with her. When all of us were outside, panting, she told us that someone actually whispered to her ear in that room!

Couldn’t explain what happened. Scared the shit out of my mom. Were those 2 shadows some being from another world? Or were they some effect conjured by my uncle? No idea.

gonna share more stories some other day…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
May 13, 2004

traumatic experience

This incident happened when I was 15

It was a hot afternoon. Me and a friend named Kenneth were waiting for our school bus to go home… perching on a metal railing under an overhead pedestrian bridge. We were happily chatting with each other when somewhat tall school girl stood in front of us.

She was staring at me without saying a word for what must be like, 10 seconds or so… and then she asked me “What are you guys doing here?”

Surprised, I responded:

“Excuse me girl… do I know you?”

And then she repeated her question,

“I am asking you again… what are you guys doing here?”

The second question sounded a bit rude… as if she was looking for an underwear thief and we were the prime suspects. I was starting to get freaked out at that time, because I thought she might be some homeless kooky girl on street looking someone to bash.

“Well… we are chatting, if it is not that obvious to you…”

“Chatting? You call that chatting?”

I smelled sarcasm in her remarks. Kenneth was giving out an agitated look as a sign of disapproval of her weird way of asking so much questions. I had to verbally mock her back :

“Bitch, what exactly do you want?”

“You guys weren’t chatting.”

“Oh yeah? So, what are we doing then, smartass?”

“You guys are peeping our underwear…”

Our location was actually a good spot to scope for upskirts, as it was right under a pedestrian bridge. But we weren’t peeping of course. We’re being falsely accused.

“Hey bitch… watch what you’re talking..”


She attracted a lot of attention from the rest of the students nearby, and started to yell profanities at us. By that time, we noticed that she there was already a bunch of cronies standing nearby, giggling at our predicament. Apparently, they were playing some kind of ‘dare’ game… and we’re being their victims. So we’re like, unfortunate enough to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. After the stunt, the girl then fled up onto that overhead bridge laughing like a retard while pointing at us.

We were just shocked shitless there, and didn’t respond for a while until Kenneth broke loose… and shouted back at the girls “You whores!! I hope you got raped by a school bus and run over by a stinking dick!”

[something creative like that].

I followed suit by screaming at the top of my lungs in hokkien “Le mah ho beh kan !!” [your mom got fucked by a horse].

But it was already too late… the damage had been done. All the students in vicinity were looking at both of us as if we’re some sick perverts peeping at innocent school girls under that overhead bridge. Their gazes were so fucking uneasy that we had to immediately bail the fuck out of the place and waited for our school bus somewhere else.

Needless to say, we never hung out near that railing under that stupid bridge ever again.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
March 9, 2004

an encounter under the office desk

This incident occurred a couple of years ago when I was working late inside the office. It was all quiet late that night when I suddenly heard a blood curdling yelp from a few cubes away. Needless to say, the loud cry almost jolted the daylights out of me.

I stood up to check what was going on (along with a couple of other colleagues nearby). It was my department head (the big boss – the director). He was hopping inside his cubicle as if he was being possessed by a hyperactive demon or something… all the while pointing under his desk – screaming like there’s no tomorrow. “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! Aaaaaahhh!! Aaaaaaaaahh!!” (to those dirty minded readers – this is not to be mistaken with a porno moan.)

I asked him “What the fuck !?” (alright, I just asked him “What’s wrong?”)
“I saw a big rat under my desk! It was trying to climb up my leg!!!” he was telling me in his out-of-breath tone while gesturing the approximate size of that giant rat with his hands. It was about the size of ex-my neighbor’s psychotic dog’s lipstick lookalike dick.

Big fucking deal – I thought. Why would a rat climb up his leg? The rat wanted to suck his cream? Never heard of rats fellating a human before. My best bet was, the rat’s probably scouring for food and because the boss remained static for too long, the stinking rodent might have mistaken his leg as somekind of tree trunk growing out from the office floor. (which is still less ridiculous than the fellatio theory).

I was suppressing myself hard from laughing at that moment and responded – “Alright, let me kick his ass for you. Make sure I get my promotion.” But when I was there, the rat was already gone.. most probably fled in fear of the boss’ sudden hysteria. That guy was panting real hard with a livid look on him… even after we assured him that the stinking rodent had already left his cube.

Within the next 24 hours, the news about the boss’ monster rat encounter was widespread across our department like a wildfire– and much to the amusement to many, every single one of my colleagues now started to snigger at the boss whenever he’s in vicinity – thanks to yours truly.

It’s just not right for a guy to be so terrified of rats or mouse. They just aren’t worthy to be scared of. They’re just small mammals no bigger than our dick.

…Well, unless he has a really small dick…

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