Archive for the ‘flashbacks’ Category

January 20, 2005

bad elevator maintenance guy

A couple days ago, Emily alerted me with a nudge

Me : “Yes dear?”

Emily : “I went to your old neighborhood with your mom today and saw the bad elevator maintenance guy…”

I had no clue what she was talking about

Me : “The bad elevator maintenance guy you said?..” [scowls]

Emily : “Yes, the one who harassed you when you were little… your mom told me about it”

Her description was good enough to reminisce me of an incident when I was only 8 year old (that’s exactly 20 years ago) …

Me : “Oooooh… Ah Wong! Yeah yeah… I remember him!”

Emily : “… So ?…”

She looked at me in a way that was making me feel uncomfortable…

Me : “So what ?”

Emily : “… what actually happened back then ?”

Me : “I thought you said my mom told you everything?”

Emily : “She just said that guy harassed you…”

Me : “Yeah, he harassed me alright…”

She didn’t seem to be satisfied with my brief answer. She dug for more …

Emily : “I mean, HOW… did he… harass you?”

Me : “I don’t want to talk about it… ok?”

I was reluctant to share with her, because it was sort of a dark secret of mine, you know… which I’ve been lying to my mom for years. And I don’t wanna lie to Emily. But she’s getting all impatient about it…

Emily : “So… did he like, rape you in the butt or something?”

Me : “WHATTTT ?????????”

Emily : “I can understand if you don’t feel like answering that question…”

Me : “RAPE ME IN THE BUTT???? Hahah!!! That has got to be the funniest shit I’ve ever heard !!! Where did you get that idea?”

Emily : “You said he harassed you maa…”

Me : “He just pummeled me up… ok ?”

Emily : “ooooh…”

Me : “He pummeled me up because I kicked his ass… I was too atrocious as a kid. But mom didn’t know that because I told her that guy’s cracked in the head and he biffed me up in the elevator for no reason. And she went ahead to give him the nastiest housewife lecture a bloke could ever get in his life. But it was all my own fault. That’s WHAT happened.”

Emily : “ehehehh.. ok ok … I misunderstood the message…”

Ah Wong was a 6 ft tall elevator maintenance guy who loved to play around with kids. He was usually found hanging out at our ghetto apartment lobby. On that fateful day, he teased me the way that he shouldn’t have, right when I was just walking past the lobby. I responded by directly sending him a flying kick on his ass (coupled with Bruce Lee’s signature cockroach yell – KACHAAAAT). That’s when he got really aggravated and started to chase me… and we somehow ended up inside the elevator. I was then trapped with raging Ah Wong inside an elevator…

An 8 yrs old versus a 6 ft tall 30 year old bloke… you do the math who sustained the maximum boner there. I went crying home with some real nasty bruises and told my mom about it. That’s what actually happened.

Ah Wong, if you’re reading this, sorry for framing you that day. I did that because I think you’re such a pussy for not being able to take a kick like how real man would. I hope we learnt our lesson through the years, forget about the bitter past and move on with our lives. But then, if you insist of having a rematch of free sparring, feel free to let me know, for I missed kicking your ass.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 10 Comments
December 31, 2004

2004 roll up

Today, is the final day of 2004. I am writing this not in my usual jovial mood, but in a mixed emotion of both being sombre and worried, about how this year could have been one of the best, turning for the bad ending.

One thing being is the recent catastrophe that had besieged the land of mankind, which a hundred thousand souls have perished.

And another is Emily’s health. She was hospitalized 3 days ago due to high fever and has been in a lethargic state ever since (yes, this is the same illness she got since Christmas). Her body temperature would fluctuate without warning… and has been having difficulty to sleep.

It aches my heart to see her having to go through all these. And what’s sad, is that she’ll have to spend her New Year inside the ward trying to get better. (I’ll be spending my New Year inside the ward with her)

On the brighter side before all these, 2004 had been great. I managed to accomplish most of my resolutions …

Here they are (from last year’s roll up) :

– clear off my credit card — done.
– get myself another car. — changed my car instead.
– vacation to Australia / New Zealand — lack of budget. Forgone.
– get an SLR digital camera — bought a digital camera. Not SLR though.
– a new mobile phone if the old one gets uppity — changed phone. Twice.

Despite the fact that I’ve also lost my paternal grandmother this year, but I don’t feel bad about it at all – for she, had been in a suffering state ever since my father and grandfather passed away in 2003. I fully understood that she left us for her own good.

Anyway, I still feel thankful (not to god or anything, just thankful) that I managed to overcome all the obstacles that has been spattered on me.

And I feel thankful, that my family and I, are not in anyway involved in the tsunami disaster which happened like, less than 20 km away.

Could have been a perfectly great year.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 21 Comments
November 1, 2004

the mushroom ‘do

When I was a very young teenager, I used to frequent to my friend Johnny’s residential at some densely populated suburb, once a month. Almost like a routine. No we weren’t gay or something. I frequented there because there was a middle aged blimp housewife who offered a 3 bucks haircut right across Johnny’s neighborhood.

What was the big deal about this self proclaimed hairdresser? Well, she’s able to trim an Aaron Kwok’s hairstyle on virtually any head. And that, literally translates to – BIG FUCKING DEAL!! (Aaron Kwok’s hairstyle in the 90’s – a thick mushroom shaped do with an almost center parting. I think Aaron Kwok must have copied this hairstyle from those Iban aborigines in Borneo. Looked like a prick I must admit.)

Everyone had to have that kind of hairstyle back then (early 90’s), else you won’t get to date any girls. I don’t know why it had to be Aaron Kwok’s hairstyle… not that we liked that faggot… but it seemed to be a very hype thing to do back then (although in retrospect, that particular hairstyle is damn hideous, in my present opinion). We did it all for the girls.

Hell, we’ll even fucking do a mohawk if the girls would go ga ga over those. But fortunately, they did not. It was Aaron fucking Kwok. We were just following the trend and did our job as a bunch of desperate blokes longing for a hook up.

So basically, each and every teenage dude in our school would adopt that generic hairstyle, the thicker it is, the better it looks. Well, at least in the eye of the beholder(s) – girls.

I remember that my mom loathed that type of hairstyle. She said The Beatles’ coconut molded hairstyle looked any time better than that sissy boy’s thick mushroom do. Couldn’t agree more. Those girls made us look like fag clowns back then, and we played along. Goddamn.

Alright, back to that haircut service… basically for that kind of price, it was not surprising at all to have shitloads of teenagers flocking into her tiny outlet for a complete Aaron Kwok makeover.

“Aunty, ai kawwww eh…” (Aunty, thick one please…) *referring to the hairstyle.. and she’ll do an Aaron Kwok for us.

And after getting a haircut there, we would cycle around in a flamboyant manner like that… flicking our hair as if we’re in some of Hindustan movie – hoping to garner some attention from a passing female.

So did I attract any chicks with that hairstyle? Sort of. (I wouldn’t have adopted that hairstyle if it was for no effect). That Aaron Kwok hairstyle craze lasted approximately 12 – 18 moons, before a new wave of hype came to replace the style – Beyond’s center parting rocker style.

Such were the servitude of being a teenager. Full of lies and deception. We follow what our friends do, and do what the girls want. Oh, if only I could turn back the clock…

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September 21, 2004

school bus – the ala-bhai game

During my years inside the school bus, we played a lot of weird games. Among the weirdest (and most controversial), was the ala-bhai game. If you’re from Penang, you should already know what I’m talking about.

Like I said, it’s very controversial. Some deemed it as racist… some deemed it as immoral. But hell, we kids from all ethnicity have been playing this for DECADES …. and as a kid, I believe our souls are somewhat pure and innocent, and very certainly, there were no means of ill will or racism in it. It was just a game that was created out of sheer fun and mischief.

Alright, enough of that disclaimer bullshit. Just read it at your own discretion. You can choose to laugh with me, or you can choose to leave my blog to cower at a corner and succumb to your fucked up conservative brain.

You see, Malaysia is a multi racial country. We practically have a little bit of each race from all over the world, but the major ones are Malay, Chinese and Indian … and …. the Sikhs. In Penang (or is it the whole Malaysia ?), we don’t call our Sikh friends as the Sikhs. We call them Bhai. (it’s not a derogatory term, mind you. It’s actually a slang in our colloquial conversation). Right, this is a game about them.

Before I start to explain how the game was played, let me brief you some facts about the Sikhs here. As most of you have already known, the Sikhs are known for their turbans. If you don’t know what’s a turban, then you ought to be hung and shot. A turban is a piece of cloth that was adorned on a Sikh’s head. An article of faith. You can read more about them here — the Sikh Coalition.

These turbans come in many colors and sizes. Adult Sikhs would have a full turban, and a kiddy Sikh will have a smaller version … which is called … a leer (correct me if I’m wrong). The kiddy version are somewhat a bit different, where the cloth is bunned up like a ball above their forehead.

These big and small sized turbans, are sometimes red, blue, black or white in color. I do not recall seeing any other colors but, again, I might be wrong. (smacks head for not understanding more about other race). The different sizes are merely due to individual’s way of constructing their own turban so, they’re kinda different from each other.

So, being kids, these colorful turbans would often fascinate our shallow minds. We didn’t have any idea what they’re for and we didn’t care. That’s why, we loved this game – the ala-bhai game.

How to play the ala-bhai game :
It’s simple. Basically, it’s a spot-a-Bhai game. The game can’t be started as you like… it has to be played spontaneously only when someone spots a Bhai with a turban.

1) Once the person spotted a Bhai with a turban, he would pick a buddy next to him — any buddy — and pinch that guy hard anywhere he prefers (without letting go)… and shout “ala-bhai jope !!!!”. The shout will have to be concurrent with a “jope” hand sign with the other hand. [“jope” hand sign – just make all your five fingers meet at one spot.. and you’ll have the “jope” sign]
*It’s a universal rule that we kids have agreed, that one gains an authority to pinch anyone/anywhere he likes … if he spots a turban and gestured the “jope” hand sign.

2) Then, the pincher would ask the victim “what color is the bhai ?” [referring to the color of the turban. Continue to pinch harder if victim fails to answer or incorrectly describes the color].
*Please note, the “jope” hand sign must not be dismissed yet, as it will strip off your authority to pinch.

3) After asking the first question, the pincher would then ask the second question “rugby or hockey ?” [referring to the size of the spotted turban. If it’s a full turban, the answer would be “rugby”. If it’s the kiddy leer turban, answer would be “hockey”]. Pincher would continue to pinch as hard as he can until the victim manages to get the answer correctly.

4) The game ends when the Bhai is out of vicinity, or when the victim answers all the questions correctly — whichever comes last.

So, during our prepubescent days, we’re very alert of our surroundings – because a sight of any Sikh dude would grant us an authority to pinch anyone we like. And failure to spot a Sikh would mean suffering and torment. It’s a game that involves quick reflex, endurance and concentration.

Good old days.

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September 8, 2004

accidental peep

My old family house was situated on a piece of small land. Hell it was so cramped that my neighbor’s backyard was only inches away from our front yard. Separated by only a small fence. A tip of the toe, and I could see FatMary flailing her corpulent tits under that 24-7 stinking nightgown which she seemed to wear day and night. Yep, if you can remember FatMary and her mongoloid dog Barney that gave me my teenhood trauma.

For some reason, my neighbor FatMary seemed to dislike wearing a bra when walking around outside at the compound, and boy did she love bending down to scrub her backyard floor, which was directly in front of my family house. Whenever I was out there washing my motorcycle, she would inadvertently flash her tits by bending the fuck down. I tried not to look at that tramp, but then, there were a few times which I accidentally saw her fat tits. They were saggy and disgusting – almost made me barf my spleen out. I guess that was why her dog had such a damaged brain.

One day, I was going out with my mom and noticed someone scrubbing the backyard floor over the fence. Oh shit – must be FatMary flashing her disgusting tits again, I thought. I quickened my pace to get out of there as soon as possible. Then suddenly, a chirpy voice greeted my mom from over the fence. It was not FatMary’s voice. It was another lady in her late 20’s with a slim figure and fair skin. She looked kind of alright and had a white loose spaghetti top – and like FatMary, she didn’t have her bra on. I was like, stunned of course, as she was still in her crouched scrubbing position when she made the friendly attempt to start a conversation with my mom. My eyes were locked on that hot spot of downblouse, looking at her large titties hanging loose.

Being a 16 year old, that downblouse view was like an unexpected stash of 10 ringgit bills lying on a public walkway for me. I scanned every detail of her tits on display – and managed to find out the following :

1) her tits were fucking big and awesome
2) her nipples were fair and pinkish
3) there were freckles on her tits
4) her tits were fucking big and awesome
5) *did I mentioned that her tits were fucking big and awesome ?*

Of course, I was doing it in such a stealthy way that she wasn’t even aware of me and my hormones. I had a good long look and was overheating.

Then, when the conversation was over, I continued my journey out with my mom into a relative’s car. My cousin was in it. As I was about to relate that unbelievable experience to him… my cousin suddenly exclaimed:

cousin : “Dude! Hold on there! There’s a strand of white colored hair growing out from your neck!”

me : “What the fuck? A strand of white hair you said? Growing out from my NECK??”

cousin : “Yeah man .. here, lemme pull it out for you …”

And my cousin indeed pulled out a strand of whitish hair out from my neck.

me : “Damn… this is so bizarre!”

My mom overheard the entire conversation of course, and interjected,

mom : “That’s a pervert hair that grew out from your neck”

me : [confused] “Huh ?”

mom : “Yeah… from ogling too much at titties. You think I didn’t notice?”

She was referring to the tits ogling incident,

me : “Errr… hehehh… that was a free display mom, and I wasn’t even trying to look…”

mom : “Please, if you could check out your own eyeballs at that moment… But then, I must admit that she has got a pair of great looking tits. I was kinda admiring them myself too…”

Me and my mom then cackled like hyenas – which stupefied my cousin and his mom.

Lesson learnt: Don’t even try to do something that you think could fool your own mom. It will never work.

*PS: That lady turned out to be FatMary’s younger sister who came back for holidays from Australia. Strangely, both of them seem to love scrubbing their backyard floor without wearing a bra. I wonder why.

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