Archive for the ‘flashbacks’ Category

September 16, 2005

general tso’s chicken

I dreamt I was in some grandiose banquet wearing a tuxedo. You know, those event that we see on TV ? Chicks wearing cleavage baring dresses and black waiters pouring free flow wines ?… you get the idea.

I was kinda scouring a table full of food, for something to eat of course, when I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. Of course I wasn’t too happy about that as I was damn hungry. But I turned to answer that tap nevertheless, and found myself gazing at a familiar face.

It was Rob. If you can remember him … my undead ex-boss whom I loathed more than roaches and maggots. He was without his trademark ratfink goatee and was donning a thoroughly white uniform… with a tall white hat embellishing his balding skeletal head.

“Hi Michael. Long time no see”

That motherfucker was trying to be courteous. I’m amused if he even thinks that would erase all the confuckulations that he has brought to my life. Nia ma chow hai aa … I kept my cool nevertheless. *I must be gritting my teeth in reality right now…

“Rob ! what the fuck are you doing here ??”

“Can’t you see ? I’m a cook now…”

“A cook ? Last I heard you went off to China for some fucking management post… what happened ?”

“Well… things didn’t go as what I’ve expected and I ended up as a cook”

*chuckles* “It’s hard to believe you’re a motherfucking cook… You’re what ? Major in material science ? You should be analyzing rocks at some cursed tombs … not messing with our food …”

“I learnt how to cook at China.”

“Ok. Big deal. Errrmmmm… can you make me something ? I’m hungry”

“Anything for you, old friend”

“Make me a plate of General Tso’s Chicken…”

“I’m sorry ?”

“Chicken ? You know chicken ? The domesticated bird that can’t fly ? It’s asshole puckering like your mouth ?”

“I know chicken but … I don’t know how to make General Tso’s chicken…”

I was just testing him out. It wasn’t really about General Tso’s chicken that was so important. If fact, that’s actually a very ridiculous request at such banquet. But I managed to prove my point there.

“You’re a cook… for god’s sake… and you don’t fucking know how to make General Tso’s chicken ?? What do you know then ?”

“Ermmmm … how bout fried noodles ? I make kickass fried noodles…”

“And you call yourself a cook ?? So if I know how to change a flat tire, I’d be a mechanic ??”

“Come on … do you really have insult me in public like this ?”

That snapped me. I grabbed a fork nearby and stabbed him on his collarbone. He immediately collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. I then gave him a hard kick on his ribs and I could hear a crack right out of it. By that time, I noticed that there was already a crowd gathering around me … staring at me as if I’ve killed a defenseless old woman.

Of course, I was set to correct that misperception…

“PEOPLE ! This cook … [points at Rob], doesn’t know how to make General Tso’s Chicken. Heck, he don’t even know how to fry an egg ! He’s giving us human a bad name ! Even the chickens are ashamed of him !!!”

There’s a loud gasping sound reverberating across the crowd… and before I could even say another word to justify my violence, the next thing I knew, the crowd was creaming his ass up like a lifeless pinata. And I didn’t get to grace him another whack.

It was one of the sweetest dream I ever had.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 14 Comments
May 18, 2005

the great escape

I dreamt that I was in prison last night. Over what offense, I’m not too sure. But I can tell that it sort of involves something concerning the national security. Perhaps I was a spy or something.

In that particular scene, I was conspiring with a fellow inmate to escape from prison and the next thing I knew, we were speeding away in this car… with an army of police in pursuit from behind. The pursuit was very dramatic, complete with flippings and all that… and we managed to shake off those pigs after went through an assload of action packed episode.

I then drove the car into this junkyard carpark near a cinema and descended from the vehicle. I can remember my fellow inmate bitched to me that we should immediately head to KL to meet up with the the Boss (which I have no idea who the fuck was that). It sounded like we’re having some kind of an underworld congregation or something at KL.

We argued for a while, with him whining about me wasting too much time while we’re high on wanted list … and he was about to do it alone if I decided to “pull out” at the final minute. I told him that I have some unsettled grave matters at hand … and that I’ll haul my ass to KL once they have been taken care of.

After a few minutes worth of shouting at each other, he finally gave in to my intention … and we walked straight into the cinema to watch “Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith” … and headed down to KL after that.

*I’ll be with the Force in the cinema tonight…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 5 Comments
May 16, 2005

happy teachers day

The colorful characters that had taught us our life, how can we not remember them ?

In conjunction of Teachers Day that our planet is celebrating today, allow me to quote the jesters that had liven up my life throughout my schooling years.

1) Mr. Lim (alias “Zorro”)
He was named as such not because he looked like a Spaniard or had great skills in swordery. It was because he had a letter “Z” in his initials. As simple as that.

Middle aged, face full of zits as if they’re some organic Braille pricks that read “I’m a jerk”. Everyone back then believed that he was an incarnation of some diabolical being from beneath. Savage and loose headed, he was one of the most evil teachers that I’ve ever encountered in my life. I myself had tasted his “golden palm of paralysis” before… and I could still feel the stinging effect today.

Needless to say, we’re all damn scared of him. The very sight of him loping somewhere in vicinity, would trigger a verbal alert from class to class – “HOIIII !! SHHH !!! ZORRO LAI LIAO !!” (translated as : “Hush !! Zorro is coming !!”)

And there was once he actually found out about his fashionable nick … which he then bellowed out to our class “You think I don’t know you guys are calling me Zorro aa ??” and we kept quiet about it.

2) Miss. Lim
She’s Zorro’s elder sister. Also middle aged, had a wrinkly face of some retired amateurish bestiality pornstar, she basically menaced just like her evil brother. Both bore the similar devilish look… hooked nose, elongated face shape like a witch’s… But what really stood out in her was her voice.

She could be heard from anywhere in the whole block in our school, didn’t matter where she is. She’s just very loud and obnoxious. I don’t know but, I remember I was darn terrified of her because she reminded me of the lopsided villain in the film Rumpletiltskin or something (being a kid, that kind of thing just blew my mind off). Just… when you see something with a look like this? You’ll always have the natural reflex of behaving yourself…

3) Miss *Something* (alias “Watermelon”)
Frankly speaking, I had overused the nick “Watermelon” on her so much, that I totally had forgotten what her real name was. But I’ll remember her as Watermelon if I see her one day alright… because she looked exactly like one. You know… round, rotund and real short… that was how she got her name.

Like a real watermelon, she was harmless alright. She was of no threat to us but somehow, was a fine target of mischief by most students instead. I mean, not like she’s too docile or anything. She actually tried to act tough but, it somehow didn’t work on her. She was just too pouty to be tough and always was (and will be) everyone’s favorite target.

I know it was not her fault to look like that but, hell, what do we care at that age ? The only thing that mattered to us was not to get our sorry ass whipped in school and score as many chicks as possible.

4) Mr. John Lim
He probably was one of the most famous educator in Penang. He found his fame through his absurdness in teaching Mathematics. He would often replace the zero’s with asses and bollocks … skewing the class attention towards the dark side and would later sadistically castigate those who got it all wrong. Some of his infamous preference of torturing his pupils :
1) Smearing correction fluid on their face
2) Scribbling red inks on their shirt or face
3) A hard fingernail-pinch near the thigh (extremely painful)
4) Imposing an infinite amount of leg numbing squat-ups

There was once he walloped one of my sissy classmates till he bled from the nose, and got into trouble when the kid’s parents came to seek for an explanation of what happened. Didn’t know how they managed to settle the score…

5) Mr. Chin
A tall Chinese dude with a military attitude. At one glance, he looked like a roadside hamburger seller. But if you know him real well, you’ll know that he wasn’t any of that sort. If there’s any single word to describe this tall motherfucker (I think he’s taller than Chewbacca… no shit)… the word would definitely be – PSYCHOTIC.

Yes, he had this uncanny fetish of requiring everyone to have a neatly combed hair during his lesson. If there’s any reason for anyone not having a combed hair, would be that the person’s bald. That’s right. Each of us would have to pour an assload of water from our classmates’ water containers and comb our hair neatly before his lesson starts. And then, we’ll have to pray hard that the water wouldn’t dry off before his lesson ends… else the consequences could be dire.

If you happen to get caught with an uncombed or disheveled hair :
1) He would smear some used engine oil on your head
2) He would pull your sideburn till you turn red

There’s no doubt that he was a seriously disturbed individual. If I were to see him again today as an old man… with combed hair or not, I’m gonna make him gulp down a can of turpentine as a payback for his sick deeds.

Tough shits … having to deal with these type of mutants throughout my teenage life. If I were to become a deranged serial killer one day, you’ll all know that these are the people to blame for my fucked up plight. Judging from my condition now, I reckoned it won’t be very long before I would take my first midget victim …

*Licks my sharpened scythe*

Happy teachers day, my teachers. I missed you animals.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 9 Comments
May 4, 2005

nostalgia of something

I can’t help but notice how much our cinemas have changed over the years. What do we have back then ? Let’s go back 20 years from today …

– The cinema was divided into 2 classes. The normal class and special class. Normal class was situated at the ground floor and special class at the upper floor… both facing the same screen. The difference ? You get to watch your movie at a better viewing angle (sloped) if you’re in special class … and for hooligans, they get to spit at the normal class viewers from the upper floor.

– Cost of ticket per movie entry for normal class was just merely 3 bucks. Additional 50 cents to upgrade to special class. But they won’t allow advanced bookings though. To get a good seat, one have to either come earlier to queue up, or you have to have some intimate relationship with the ticket seller. If you’re late, not only you’d get a shittier seat but also have to endure the hot musty air that reeked of perspiration of some unwashed armpits from the crowd as well. (no air conditioning at lobby)

– Foods were allowed in the cinema. Groundnuts, fruits, noodles, steamed corns, meat floss buns, you name it. But the most popular tidbits of them all was melon seed (local name = “Kuaci”). It was fairly a common sight to see melon seed husks being littered all over the cinema floor. Sometimes, unfinished food as well… supplying a rich diet to roaches and rats alike. (yes, we would sometimes see big-ass rodents parading across the cinema hallway like some chingay possession …)

– The cinema seating system was primitively managed by a lady with an attitude, who looked as if she rode a broom to work. No computers or any technological doohickeys. The lady would select seats randomly by referring to the seat plan, and scribble the seat number on some standard tickets … then strike off the ‘used’ number accordingly on the seat plan with her crayon – so that she won’t make a mistake of issuing the same seat twice.

– The seats were extremely uncomfortable and somehow distastefully discriminating for blimps or tall people alike. They’re partially made of wood and sponge. Some even had holes on it due to vandalism, and the holes house a haven for microscopic critters that had been accumulated from thousands of asses through the years. Its smell alone was believed to be strong enough to crowbar an adult whale’s consciousness…

– There weren’t any audio standards like THX, SDDS, KNNCCB, etc back then. The audio requirement was just very simple – LOUD. The louder it is, the better. And I remember that Rex was the cinema (in Penang) that took all the cakes of motherfucking loud audio system. If you’re in for movies like Indiana Jones or even Rambo at Rex, you’d be guaranteed a roller coaster ride inside it…

Although the whole thing might sound like a big bummer to most people today, but back then, watching a movie in such kind of cinema was a damn nice experience. It wasn’t the tidbits, it definitely wasn’t the crowds nor the rats… it’s … something… that words can’t describe.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 17 Comments
May 1, 2005

the mystery of the missing raincoats

Circa 1977. Almost 1978. The month was desolately dark and gloomy. There had been weird thefts occurring around the ghettoish slum … and everyone was very upset about it. No, it wasn’t the underwears or bras this time. But raincoats. Only black raincoats.

The strange phenomenon instigated some grave concern, that there might be some sex depraved maniac out there stealing raincoats to indulge in his kinky exhibition of flashing acts. Or even worse, prowl on unsuspecting housewives… waiting to rape and sodomize them for his own sadistic gratification.
(though it’s kinda impossible because housewives are known to travel in big groups and elicit ear piercing noises that very few could tolerate…)

But nobody could do anything about the thefts – for the purported ‘thief’ proved to be as elusive and cunning as any professional criminal… and more raincoats would continue to go missing without trace. Why only black raincoats ? Why not other priced belongings ? The mystery befuddled even the most veteran residents that had seen everything…

Until one day, somebody saw 2 silhouettes of some midget sized being (wearing a cape) in a dark squalid corridor … prancing slowly staring at each other. Each of them was holding an elongated object … of what seemed to be some kind of glowing plastic sword… and were making hissing noises as they went about … Then, without warning, both would start to slash at each other in a series of feigned sword fight moves, with plenty of exaggerated oral sound effects.

ZIIIIIIUUUUUZZZZZ ZZIIIUUUUZZZZZ

The swordfight would later be joined by another few more cape wearing members, and the whole place would be inflamed with those ‘sword’ wielding fanatics yelling and fighting each other.

Sure enough, upon closer inspection, that ‘somebody’ noticed that those were actually a bunch of kids playing… and the capes they were wearing ? Those were the black raincoats that had been disappearing from motorcycle shacks. Well, what made those kids to have a sudden craze on black raincoats? 2 words :

Darth Vader.

It was the Star Wars fever that had infected the kids. According to my mom, basically, every single kids in our residential area worshiped the dark force back then… and idolized the masked tyrant as god. It was the period where the sales of batteries and electrically powered glowing plastics swords soared like never before. And black motorcycle raincoats as well.

So guys, if you own a motorcycle ? Remember to lock your raincoat up. It will happen again this coming May…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 6 Comments