Archive for the ‘experiences’ Category

August 28, 2019

nut-shot

You know sometimes how our sock would get balled up from the laundry? Instead of putting my hand into it to loose it out, I do the flick maneuver. You know, flick the sock until it unravel itself. I’ve been doing this since the beginning of time, and never had a problem until the other day. For some reason that day, the sock just wouldn’t unravel even after a few flicking. So I flicked harder, and the centrifugal force made it balled up tight, and it became like an elastic flail weapon.

I was seated on the sofa when I was doing that, and during one of its out of control elastic flailing, the ball of sock ended up hitting my right nut. Now, I’ve never been hit in the nut that hard before. I’ve been hit in the nut with a soccer ball back in the school days, but it wasn’t anything like this. I reckoned that most of the force were absorbed by my hip or something. But this? This was a direct hit. Ball of sock of about the size of my own ball, came into direct contact with my right nut. I had no idea it was that bad. The next few minutes, I had to lie down on the floor, paralyzed in agony. The feeling was like a really bad stomach ache after a bad case a food poisoning, and I almost puked on the floor. I bet if there’s a hyena nearby, I couldn’t even get up to run for my life. I’d have been eaten alive right there and then.

Fucking nuts. I don’t think Archilles was hit in the heel, it must have been his nut. Our nuts are our weakest point, that’s for sure. I’ll never flail a ball of sock near my nuts ever again.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
May 25, 2019

moron from KL

Morons from KL come to Penang all the time. They like the cheap and good food here. But with them, they bring their decadent driving habits.

Met one in a Lexus SUV today – his car stopped in the middle of his lane on a 2 way narrow street (his indicator was on, he was waiting for someone I reckon). I was coming from the opposite direction, and the car in front of me pulled to a stop to drop off someone. So I had no choice but to maneuver around the car in front of mine to overtake. But when I swerved out, this Lexus high beamed me repeatedly from its stationary position, which in car language in Malaysia – is equivalent to ‘get out of my way you fucking asshole!’. He was about a good 20 meters away.

Not knowing why or what his problem was, I high beamed him back ‘get out of my way you fucking asshole’. So when I drove past his driver side window, I slowed down to take a good look at this retarded specimen of a biological waste – he looked like one of the goons in Kungfu Hustle that begged to be punched in the face. He was glowering at me like I have just killed his entire family. So I did what’s best to diffuse the situation, I showed him the local Penang sign language to assure him our hospitality of his antics here. He reciprocated with a mad honk to the steering like someone had just ran over his pet dog. Too bad the air bag didn’t inflate, it’d have been cool.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
September 10, 2018

FB is good for escalating shit

You know how frustrating it is when you have to deal with some scumbag merchants who do not give a shit about you and your problems? Well, now I seem to have discovered a new way of making these cocksuckers ‘care’ – Facebook (I know, I’m a latecomer. But hey, if you don’t already know this, then consider this a favor!).

A few months ago, I bought some shaving supplies in the US and the shipment made all the way to the east coast (parcel expected at north west) and stuck there for a few days. When I sent an email to the company & USPS (which suck, btw), they did not bother to give me a respond. So after a few days, I vented it out in Facebook, and guess what? I got a refund almost immediately, and the shipment came very much later for free.

And then recently, there’s this FedEx incident, hear me out:
Read the rest of this entry »

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June 3, 2018

drama minggu ini

I was driving out of the apartment compound to fetch my daughter from school with my wife. I reached the apartment boom gate which I was required to scan an electronic card to lift the gate and exit. But right in front of the scanner, were these 2 old Indian farts with a small fallen palm tree from a neighbor’s compound. One of them was an holding a hooked saw, and the other was holding the fallen tree (they both looked alike, I think they’re twins or brothers or something).

Because they’re blocking the whole way and I could not pass (and they did not seem to know that I was there), I let out a short honk, to let them know that ‘I’m here’. You know, a short honk, like a friendly honk. But instead of acknowledging that positively, the guy holding the saw started to get agitated and reacted by waving the saw at me menacingly. I didn’t provoke him further so, I just waited in the car for them to finish whatever the fuck that they’re doing. Then they proceeded to talk to each other about something (still holding the tree/saw) – like there’s a family matter between them (bad alcohol debt perhaps?) and that was when my wife remarked,

“What the hell are those guys doing there talking in the middle of the road? Why can’t they just drag the tree to the side?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with them. Typical Indians. They wanted to look important, I guess.”

(I’m not a racist, please. I’m a misanthrope. I hate every fucking one all the same. Not just one race. Believe me).

The guy holding the hooked saw, saw us talking about them (the gesture gave it away), and again, we waved his saw at us.. like it is forbidden for us to have an opinion about him. And finally, after a couple moment’s worth of delay (waiting for these 2 old farts talking to each other in the middle of the road), they finally dragged the tree to the side and let me pass. When I reached the scanner area, agitated saw guy was standing next to my passenger window and was mouthing something at us with a grim expression. I rolled down the window to hear him clearly, and he said

“Lu tak boleh tunggu ka??” (in an angry manner).
[translation: “Can’t you just wait??”]

I don’t know what the fuck was that guy’s problem so I waited for him to finish what he got to say.

“Kita potong pokok, kalau itu pokok jatuh kena kereta kamu, macam mana??” (in an angry manner)
[translation: “We’re cutting down a tree. How would you like the tree to land on your car??”]

Fucking Indian antics again, being dramatic and all. One, the tree was already cut down and on the ground. He was full of shit there. Two, I did wait in the car, didn’t I? So why was he so damn pissed off about me waiting? Three, it was a fucking small palm tree, no bigger than a motorcycle. The guy was dragging it with 1 of his puny hands, that’s how small it was. I had to yell back at him for being such a bitch:

“Apasal lu marah-marah?? Saya tak marah lu marah apa?? Ambik pokok ke tepi lah!”
[translation: “Why are you so pissed off?? I should be the one who is pissed off! Just drag the tree to the side!”]

And my wife yelled at him as well “You mia pokok sudah potong lah!”
[translation: “You’ve already cut the tree!”]

He was taken aback. He probably thought we’re the kind of couple who’d let him castigate willingly because we’re supposed to be afraid of him. He tried to yell back but I wasn’t listening. I was prepared for a confrontation if he uses the saw on my car but eventually, he took a step back and walked the fuck away.

I really do not know why people like to complicate matters. All these could have been avoided and unnecessary. I get agitated easily too, yes, but this is a whole new level of hot headedness. Maybe it was the short honk that triggered him. Maybe that was the last thing he heard in his past life as a dog when a vehicle mowed him down into pieces, I don’t know. But as a grown up old fart, the guy could’ve been handled this way more calmly (I don’t expect professionalism), and amicably.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
April 17, 2018

coincidence

If you’ve been following this blog, you’d know that my mom took her own life after battling a bout of depression a few years ago. She did a lot of planning to take her own life, right to the details on how she wanted her funeral to be handled and the location of the receipt for the niche to put her ash. I had to go through her suicide notes, and the most difficult thing that I had to contend, was to learn that she’d been planning for her death all the while being normal to us and I was unknowingly appointed to handle the aftermath of her death. (she did say sorry to me in her notes for that).

One of the things that I had to do (that wasn’t part of the note), was to dispose of the car she died in. It was parked at that very location for many days, way after her funeral. I was the one who bought the car for her, and drove it back from Perak from the used car dealer. Wasn’t a great car but, was practical. The morning that my mom disappeared, we were toiling in worry to search for this car, and none of us found it until the gardener noticed it hidden in a basement with the engine running and inside it, my mom’s body. The car was in a mess when we got back to it after the funeral. Its interior was filled with the odor of gas fumes and it had broken glass in its interior (rescuers had to break the window to get to my mom). Out of obligation, one of my mom’s brothers offered to sell off the car for us, so he drove it off to a used car dealer somewhere and was disposed of for an insignificant sum of money. Out of grief, I did not feel like taking the money so, I donated all of it to a charity organization. I never saw that car again after signing the documents at the used car dealer that day.

Fast forward 7 years later, about a few weeks ago… this car made an appearance right in front of our apartment’s guard house. My wife Emily was the first to notice it, and she alerted me. “Dear, I saw your mom’s car outside our apartment! How did it end up back here?”
“That’s just a sheer coincidence”

It made a few more appearances outside our apartment compound, and was no longer seen again… until a week ago, it was parked at a parking lot right across my car. Apparently, the person who had bought the car that my mom died in 7 years ago, moved to the apartment unit at our ground floor, which has a parking lot right across my parking space. What are the odds of that happening? So many people in Penang and so many apartments to move to, and it ended up right across where I can see it all the time. And now, I get a grim reminder of how my mom looked like when she was in her rigor mortis state whenever I get home from work every day… I just hope my mom won’t appear in it and flag me over to have a chat… Because that’s just wrong, that car is no longer hers, goddamn it.

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