Archive for the ‘escapades’ Category

August 30, 2004

school bus – meeting new friends

I used to live very far away from my school. Approximately 7 – 8 km away through the intricate city streets of Penang. So, my mom kinda arranged me to board a school bus to school everyday. And in that school bus, I grew up with kids from different ethnicity in my neighborhood, till I was about 14 years old.

I can still remember my first day of boarding the small school bus. I was only 7 years old and was in the afternoon session. The school bus looked something like a loaf of bread tilted horizontally, and it was light blue in color. On my first day, I met 2 Chinese boys – both were 3 years my senior.

The first boy, I don’t actually remember his exact name but, all the kids in that bus called him Huweweh. He was a tall and tough kid. The second one was Ronnie. (no, this is not the same BOD Ronnie). Ronnie was skinny, fair and nerdy type that was born to be bullied. I could tell back then that Huweweh was sort of like his boss or something.

On that first day on the bus, I also had my first bully experience. No I was not being bullied, but bullied the others instead. There was an Indian kid who tried to tease the way I styled my hair and I almost pummeled him – which got him real freaked.

Huweweh and Ronnie were quite impressed with my toughness, and we quickly became very close friends on the first day itself. No we’re not gay. It was a guy thing and they sort of like recruiting new badass members to be able to stand up against the myriad numbers of Indian kids inside the school bus.

We chatted a lot and they shared a lot of their past experiences with me. How they constantly got into fights with those Indian kids, shits like that. Then they mentioned of a very influential name – tonghai (a name which I found hard to register into my 7 year old brain). Both Huweweh and Ronnie kinda admired this guy for some reasons.

He was being portrayed like a god and they kept telling me how tall this guy was and how he managed to whack the Indian kids and flung them around like ragdolls (it was rumored that he could take a few Indian kids single handedly without problem)..

Cool ! When can I meet this guy? – I said, still couldn’t register his name. Huweweh told me tonghai wasn’t in the school bus because he was in year 2 (8 years old) and was in the morning session (we’re in the afternoon). So, I would have to wait 2 more years before I get to meet him (because I will be in year 2 the next year, session conflict). Well, fine. Our paths will soon cross – I thought.

A couple weeks later, when we were waiting for our bus below our residential flats, suddenly, Huweweh and Ronnie ran frantically towards the edge of the traffic. They jumped up and down in a very excited manner and shouted “tonghai !!!! tonghai !!!! ” … while waving excitedly to someone across the road. Yeah, it was the great tonghai himself – I saw him jumping up and down across the road waving back at Huweweh and Ronnie. He just got home from school (the time when we afternoon boys was going to school)

Not wanting to miss the chance to meet the great guy, I did the jump and wave thing like the 2 of them. But I faced a problem. I could not exactly remember his name tonghai. So, I did the next logical thing – instead of shouting his name, I shouted “Kau Sai !!!” (which means, dog poo in hokkien). “Kau Sai !!! Kau Sai !!!” I shouted and waved. (that’s because I thought they were yelling ‘kau sai’)

It kinda startled both Huweweh and Ronnie. They stopped to look at me with this absolute agitation.
“Hey ! His name is not kau sai… it’s tonghai, ok?” Huweweh exclaimed.
“Whatever man. It rhymes, and sounded almost the same. He’s not going to be able to tell the difference.” and I continued to shout Kau Sai while waving.

tonghai, being so far from us, of course could not tell that I was calling him DOG POO from across the street. If he could, I would been turned into a meatball. Instead, he excitedly waved back. That dumbfuck didn’t even know me… hahah.. goddamn it. That was how I met another friend – tonghai.

*I had plenty of insane adventures inside the school bus till I was 14. I will write more about the experience under the title “school bus – [something]”.

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June 11, 2004

long and crazy night (pt 3)

2 of my particular friends were the main artists… while the rest mostly guffawed around our art subject. When we ran out of space, the artwork then extended to Henry’s limbs… until every inch of his visible skin was filled with magic marker ink. It was all done in a delicate manner in order not to wake him… and boy it was really hard to be all that discreet and careful, when one has to suppress from laughing at the same time.

Then, when his limbs were full graffiti again, we resorted to remove his T-shirt… and started to work on his chest region. The nipples were drawn with the pattern of the Sun’s corona… stomach drawn with postures of nude porn stars as seen on the porn tape earlier. The joint drawing session was the finale of our long and crazy night. We finally slept at around 4am… only less than 2 hours’ sleep left before we were suppose to meet at the school compound.

Henry woke up soon when the time was near for us to leave… and not suspecting of anything (as he was still pretty much zonked from his deep sleep), he got himself dressed in his school uniform. All of us tried hard not to laugh as we saw him walked towards the entrance… ready to wear his socks and school shoes – all the while, didn’t realize about the magic marker drawings on his skin. Then suddenly, we heard a yelp and he was seen bolting into the bathroom to get to the mirror.

That was how he found out, and it was all over him. Blueish magic marker ink. While the rest of us were laughing at his ass, he went to the bathroom to take an emergency bath to remove the graffiti, and could be heard cussing with all kinds of profanity while scrubbing his skin. It was a moment to remember.

And that was the end of our long & crazy night. What more can a group of boys ask… for a night that defined every aspects of fun — porn, alcohol, gambling and body painting?

We all slept in the class the next day.

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June 9, 2004

long and crazy night (pt 2)

Soon, we ran out of porn. I was also before long, the house owner’s father came home. No more fun – we thought. But that was just the beginning. It appeared that the friend’s father was a booze brewing enthusiast, and had been brewing some booze at home. To him, that night was an opportunity for him to get feedback for his stuff – and we were all eager to test out his booze for him.

And that, was the first time I ever tried liquor. Not very strong but they were good enough to give us an idea how alcohol was like. We drank together and talked and laughed about the porn movie that we just watched. Some of the guys even went to the toilet for a prolonged period for some special reason.

We did not get drunk that night as my friend’s father wasn’t really evil enough to ply minors with alcohol. He was a responsible person so, we didn’t get to drink much. We hung out until it was midnight, and then we went to the nearby mamak stall to get something to eat… and talked more about the porn movie there. And again, that was the first time I had been to a mamak stall that operates way after midnight…

Alright, then we returned to the house, and someone took out a deck of playing cards. Before I realize what we should do next, the guys were getting ready with their pocket money for a few games of poker and blackjacks, and the place instantly became a casino… with teenage boys shouting profanities, some imitating the moans from the porn… and some were even howling when they lost a game or two. It was a busy night for all of us… and we went mad until it was way past 2am.

By 3am, everyone started to get tired… and there were only a few of us left with the gambling (I was one of them). Some of the guys simply stopped and hung out at the corner of the big room to discuss… again… about that unbelievable porn movie. Henry was the only one who’s asleep.

When we realized that we’re out of activity, the house owner came up with an idea. He brought out his blue magic marker pen and started to draw some whiskers on Henry’s face. We then broke into a comatose inducing laughter – which we tried hard to suppress so not to wake Henry up. Then, each of us took turn to ink something on my Henry’s face… until there was no space left. His face became like some boogeyman from the Borneo jungle with weird tattoos.

*to be continued…

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June 8, 2004

long and crazy night (pt 1)

I was just 15 at the time when our science teacher organized an event for us to observe some planet with his telescope. That idea only works when the sky is dark so… we were all asked to gather at the school compound 6am on the designated day. For those who can make it, will get to see some naked chicks on another planet. For those who can’t… well, they’re going to miss a great opportunity to see something wonderful from the outer space. Most of us were very excited about the event… and none of us would want to miss the opportunity.

But we had a problem. We were required to convene at 6 fucking am. There weren’t any bus service at that hour… and most of us lived far away from the school. At that age, all of us were dependent on the public bus to commute so, an alternative transport was totally out of the question (we were too young to have our own transport). Then one of the BODs (Board of Directors – my group of best of best friends) suggested to spend a night at a friend’s place the night before – which was approximately 5 minutes’ walk away from the school… The idea was a brilliant one to which, all the BOD’s briskly agreed without a second thought and had the plan set.

Alright, as most of you know, when a group of teenage blokes get together in a place, they are usually up to no good. We are of no exception. That night unexpectedly turned out to be one of the craziest night I had in my teenage years.

Back to the sleepover plan. We met at the friend’s house at about 7pm. His house was HUGE. The center of his living room was big enough to house 2 tennis courts (ok… that was an exaggeration… just 2 table tennis tables). Some of the guys started their night by playing table tennis… while the rest of us relaxed on the couch watching TV.

It started out like an ordinary night until… someone whipped out a porn tape and played it on the VCR. When the sound of spasmodic moans reverberated across the living room, the table tennis team stopped in their tracks and made a beeline towards the TV. So it sort of became a porn watching fest there. The tape was a Japanese hardcore porn, I remember… and that was the first time I ever saw a porn movie (alright, I was a late comer… tease me if you like…)

It was that one magic tape that opened our windows of confined views… the very one tape that made us adults… a dictionary for all our curiosities. We learned everything about sex within the same night… blowjobs, 69, dot the eyes, you name it. It was like a mass graduation of a super compact sex education. During the entire event, hysterical laughs and shrieks can be heard across the living room… as everything seemed to look so hilariously funny to our juvenile mind.

Then came the emergency. A rapid knock on the main door interrupted our biology lesson. If there’s a live example on how a human being could defy gravity without any wings, that would be an event to prove it. The BODs panicked and one of us switched off the tv. The house owner calmed himself down… and answered the door. It was his neighbor… a middle aged housewife who came looking for his dad. The bitch kept asking a lot of questions, and we were all cussing her hard from behind the door for the interruption. After about a few minutes (which felt like eternity), she finally left, and we continued our porn adventures.

It was all fun again… until… another emergency came. It was the freaking phone this time (which was on top of the TV). The house owner answered the phone after lowering the volume of the TV and much to my surprise, the phone call was for me. It was my mom. She called in to check if I was ok.

Mom : “Why didn’t you call home from your friend’s house ??”

Me : “I forgot mom.”

Mom : “What are you doing now??”

Me : “Watching TV mom…”

Mom : “Are you watching porn??”

Me : “Errhh… no mom! How could you say that!?” [I fucking panicked… how did she find out??]

I quickly motioned my friends to turn off the video and check what was on the TV. It was “Superman IV”…

Mom : “Don’t lie, I know you’re watching porn with your friends…”

Me : “No mom! We were watching Superman on TV! And now you’re spoiling the show!”

Mom : “Oh… they’re showing Superman on TV? I didn’t know that…” [sound of TV being switched on]

And at that time, some of my friends were making those fake orgasm noises in the background and were fucking laughing at my ass.

Mom : “What was the noise?”

Me : “Those are my friends mom… they’re making the porn noises to convince you…”

Mom : “Ok… behave yourself, ok? Call home if anything…”

I gave some of the guys a flying elbow right after the phone call, and we continued to watch our porn.

*to be continued …

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February 6, 2004

my first (and last) volleyball team

Believe it or not, I actually joined the school volleyball team when I was 14. No, not that I’m interested in volleyball… but because the school volleyball team has a badass reputation to go with. I mean, being badass was everything back then. That was why I enrolled to get into the team. It’s macho and shit.

Charles was also in the volleyball team too. But I can vaguely remember his motive of joining, so I’m not going to cover his side of the story. Let’s just say, we were glad to have each other’s company inside the school volleyball team. So, I was kind of like looking forward for the first day of training in the volleyball team… you know, like the beginning of everything. I’m going to train hard, and I’m going to become a tough ass motherfucker in no time. The anticipation for that day was unbearable.

Then came the first day of training, the day I have been waiting for. I was kind of like expecting a lot of rigorous practices and energy draining routines. Pretty much like in the army or something. So on that day, Charles and I made appointment to meet each other and went to the court together. When we reached at the location, some of the seniors volleyball teammates were already there practicing, and the coach was there yelling some volleyball jargon that neither of us could understand. We were like, so impressed…

… but not for long. As soon as we got in pace with the practice, we instantly knew that we made a big fucking mistake joining the fucked up volleyball team. The coach turned out to be a contemptible mean fuck. The guy was a sadist, who has the penchant to yell at basically anything. If a dog were to walk by, he’d yell at the dog. Yes, he’s that fucked up. The volleyball practice session looked more like a Nazi concentration camp, than anything at all. Charles and I hated very fucking much. He was especially mean to both of us rookies – as we’re a little bit slow for being new and all that.

So, the first session turned out to be all about us getting yelled at. It wasn’t cool at fucking all. It made both of us felt like an unwanted vagrant more than a team member. The practice sessions that followed were much worse – eventually, I began to learn the hard way that the entire volleyball team was as sick as the coach himself. We (me and Charles) were constantly hooted at whenever we did simple mistakes and was also asked to pick up balls that strayed out from the court. It was humiliating as fuck. FUCK!

Then came to the day when they (the whole team) over-DID it. We were given a bucket and a bottle of cordial juice (forgot the flavor, though I very much hoped that it would be diesel), and were ORDERED to mix up a pail of cordial drink for the volleyball team, and haul the bucket of drink to the court about a good 100m away! Hell, who would have thought. We were there to be cool, but instead, we became some loser slaves at their disposal.

That was when the two of us decided that we had enough. We’re determined to quit the team for good, but not before we did something to their drink. It was my idea actually, because I was such a natural born dick, and I won’t submit to bullying from others. I actually suggested to mix their drink with some drain water. My friend Charles was totally into the idea, and we actually did it. We stirred in half a glass of drain water into that bucket of cordial drink, to bless that team of volleyball fucktards with ‘extra nutrition’ — courtesy from rookie MichaelOoi and Charles.

We weren’t sure what would become of them, nor did we care. We just brought that bucket of cocktail to the court and put it at the side… then proceeded to act like nothing happened. And when the coach called out for a break, we took our pleasure looking at those assholes quenching their thirst with our nutrient rich cocktail (teeming with a whole republic of bacteria having a party inside). It was the sweetest sight. None of those freaks actually figured out the weird taste of the drinks, as they’re too weary and thirsty from the punishing practices. They just gulped the whole thing down their unfortunate throat.

After that practice session, we bailed the fuck out from the shit laden volleyball team…

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