Archive for the ‘escapades’ Category

February 8, 2006

duel of the superpowers 2

Our path have crossed again. I had defeated him exactly a year ago, and here he was again, standing right under my nose, gazing at me in a vindictive manner. Perhaps that bitter defeat was too hard for him to swallow than I originally thought. That little guy was back to redeem his honor, I could tell from his set of beady eyes.

We locked our gaze in a moment of pin drop silence while my mind flashes back to think about the bloody battle we had a year ago, which resulted him and his crusaders an embarrassing defeat. I then took a moment to study this old foe carefully – He is blessed with a more sturdy physique now, with scintillating sparks in his eyes, and is certainly more prepared than our last encounter. I was fast becoming concerned about my own fate…

“HAHAHHHHH! I’m Spai-deh-man and I’m gonna climb up on your head!” he bellowed out in a booming voice.

It appeared that our original rubber suited warrior had taken a different course of heroic career to become an arachnid superhuman, in full hope that I would be intimidated by his new found mighty superpower. But little did he know, that I didn’t come that far to be such a wuss, for I, though may be bitten feebled by old age and excessive indulgence in slothing, would NEVER give up a battle without a fervent fight.

Honoring the code of the monsters, I braced my imminent danger boldly like a true villain and bolted off my first kick on Spai-deh-man’s ass unprovoked, instigating him to skedaddle across the floor to another corner. He then tried to confuse me with some warp speed acrobatic maneuvers… but I was good enough to latch him up for a few more pokes on his armpit and ribcage… which he reflexes with a loud yelp.

And that yelp, attracted some unwanted attention from his mom (the sister of that mad lightsaber wielder, also sister of Emily, who once crippled the ultraman siblings’ noble cause one long year ago). Just as Spai-deh-man carelessly got himself ready to pounce at me to show his belligerence, his mom grabbed him from behind and sealed his mouth with a cellophane tape.

“Spiderman, eh? Let’s see how you make anymore noise now.” – that was the final magic spell that sealed Spai-deh-man’s fate. He was later grounded by standing straight against the wall.

The evil prevailed, again.

I later spent the next 10 or so minutes ridiculing and taunting that immobilized Spai-Deh-Man, before whipping out a camera to capture that sweet smelling event.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 16 Comments
October 9, 2005

that creature’s mouth

explicit content ahead. Not a recommended read for kids and retards.

I’m not sure if anyone actually remembers their first close up view of a cunt. But I sure remembered mine. I was only 13 when I discovered the ultimate truth, and no… I had no clue that it was suppose to look like that. You know, folds of dark corrugated skin that forms out into what seemed like the mouth of an outer fucking space creature (or a rodent that has just been run over by a truck… whatever). And what’s worse, when that darn mouth secretes those gooey smegma, it’s not something you would want to see when you’re having dinner.

You see, back then… kids like us weren’t that smart like those we have today. Sure enough, we’re smart at biffing up wussies and cheating in exam, but the smart I’m talking about, are the in’s and out’s of the opposite sex. We’re pretty much as parochial and clueless like lab rats when it comes to understanding about female genitalia. We don’t get the luxury of information from the internet. We can’t fire up our browsers and readily load pictures of twats and titties at the discretion of our hormones and fingertips. Uh uh. We did it the hard way, discover everything from a blind man’s touch.

So, how did it happen ? It was one of my school buddy. He brought a hardcore porn mag to school. It’s sad I know, that my first close-up encounter with a beaver was not actually a real human, but pages of glossy dyes printed on some low grade wooden pulps. But hey, at least I made clear of that before the actual encounter, and prevented myself from looking like a total dork on my first night.

At 13, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought female cunts are just as simple as buttcracks. Just 2 slices of pork chops pressing together forming a tight fissure, with a triangular patch of furry pubes in front. Of course, I knew that we guys are suppose to insert our dick in there and jerk as fast as we could to have sex… but little did I know about the actual anatomy of a cunt. So, when my buddy began to flip that book of life before my very eyes, I almost barfed.

“Damn !!! That’s revolting !! I thought it’s just a crack !!”

That was my reaction as my eyes locked on the tragically formed biological terror. My friend told me maybe it was like that because that cunt belonged to a whore… that’s why it was so catastrophic like that. I don’t know but, his explanation seemed plausible back then. Maybe she was shagged for too many times and that was why it looked like that.

Then came to the final pages of the thin mag, when it showed a man going down to lick and suck on that girl’s labium (my first learning about cunnilingus). There, we saw these tremendous volume of semi-viscous liquid began to ooze out from that motherfucking piece of ugly mouth. It irked me to the very bone. Like …hell… it was already looking bad enough, why would anyone think of sucking some juice out of that thing??

It was certainly an eye opening experience for all of us juveniles that day. (though freaked some of us out). But little did we know, that this odd looking piece of human anatomy … will be one of the very few objects that’s gonna drive us men crazy in a few years’ time.

The irony of life indeed.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 17 Comments
October 4, 2005

cows are very kayu

I was driving on a stretch of country road the other day, saw a brown cow grazing very close by the side of the road. I quickly slowed my car down … and approached that bovine slowly. My colleagues, not being understanding enough of me, thought I was just being cautious that the animal might jump out on the road causing an accident… but they were needless to say – VERY WRONG about that. I actually slowed down to air honk that cow.

Excited like an 8 year old who discovered the beauty of fire… I drove near enough right beside it and yanked my steering horn. Lorraine blared out like a champ and the loud honk reverberated across half the palm oil plantation (yep, it’s a road that cuts through a plantation). Now my expectation ? The cow to jolt up like some few thousand kilowatts of current went through it… or at least to skedaddle towards a nearby ditch and dive head first into it.

But that didn’t happen. The cow would just nonchalantly look over its shoulder, as if some credit card salesman had just called up on him. I was so fucking disappointed with that cow. Like, how could one be so stodgy and stagnant like that ? I mean, did God forget to install the reflex mechanism in this goddamn animal? Or that particular cow has a malfunctioned reflex system? I don’t fucking know. That was when I yelled out : “Damn, do they even have feelings ???” – (I believe I was actually thinking of my boss at that time, though I may be vociferating at that goddamn cow)

I’d wager that if that animal were to be a housewife grazing instead of a cow, the result would have been totally the opposite. You’ll see some jolting, scampering, probably some dramatic act as well … like maybe losing her wig or handbag, wave fist in the air shouting profanities that only she can hear herself. Damn that would be so wicked !

Or if it’s a cat. Cats are like covalent 1 materials. They’re highly reactive to EVERYTHING. So, it doesn’t take much for one to imagine what it’s like to honk a cat. I once honked a feline crossing the road … and it got so freaked out and bolted off blindly towards my car knocking its own head. Hell I laughed so hard, that I almost forgot to make a turn into a junction (which I was supposed to turn…)

But cows, they’re no fun. They suck. They only taste good in curries, nothing else. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 23 Comments
February 17, 2005

duel of the superpowers

I was at Emily’s hometown last night for the Jade Emperor celebration. The girls (Emily’s sisters etc) were busy preparing for the prayers and I was a proven disaster inside the kitchen. So, I did what I’m good at, sitting at the couch watching the TV.

I tried my best to enjoy every minute of it despite the sheer hot weather… but I couldn’t. That’s because I was surrounded by approximately half a dozen of boisterous little human called ‘kids’… and all of them were trying not to be as silent as anyone had hoped for. One minute, they were wrestling each other and the next, they were screaming spasmodically like lunatics.

But then, it was still ok for me, for they were just being very noisy and minding their own businesses… until one of them felt that it was cool to harass their lazy uncle (which is… yours truly) who seemed to be lacked of some life sitting around doing nothing. So, that nephew of mine (about 4 – 5 years of age) tried to spice up the situation by transforming himself into some superhero (which I presume was ‘ultraman’ from the way he gestured his recognizable zapping post) and stared at me with this serious look.

A look… that changed my heroic course forever… that told me I am his monster for that night… that told me that he intended to beat my ass up. You see, I have always been an ultraman all my life. I beat up other monster kids and stray animals alike. I have always been the protector of peace and never had I ever thought of quitting. But last night, I was forcefully abdicated from my superhero post, and unofficially made a villain cum monster by my nephew…

That little guy graced his fight with a chant of something unintelligible to me… and suddenly lunged forward without warning with his forefinger – which poked my left cheek (as I was seated and approximately the same height as he was). With a quick reflex, I retaliated by prodding him with a few finger pokes back into his face and rib cage, which sent the self proclaimed superhero cowering helplessly into a corner. It was an undeniable fact, that I was both equally good being an ultraman and a monster.

But my victory was short-lived, for there came another nephew ultraman that had been watching the whole deal at another corner like a hawk, ready to pounce on me to avenge for his fallen ultraman comrade (damn, it was kinda ironic isn’t it? Those bunch of ultramen’s uncle is actually a monster…)

This second ultraman was of even younger age (3 years old I think) and started out by sending in a lopsided flying kick. I grabbed hold of his flying puny leg, ridiculed him to try harder and let go. The process repeated for a few times until he finally lost his footing and landed on the floor… to which he then gave up. He was obviously not my match. That was when Emily picked him up and gave the little guy some encouragement.

“Come come, let’s beat uncle up…”

Kids, they’re always motivated with simple things like that… and you can never imagine how a simple instruction from a young girl (like this) would result an effect of such magnitude on those kiddy minds. The little guy, now being backed up by the rest of the half dozen members of the ultraman gang, started to surround where I was sitting. The next thing I knew after being surrounded, was that I was being beamed by a score of transparent laser zaps by that mob of ultramen. It was all chaos right there, you know, because they were all screaming while doing those stunts.

Being surrounded, zapped by so many zappers and exposed to such a massive amount of sound radiation, I had no choice but to give up. This was like David and Goliath situation – which in this situation I wasn’t really David. As I was lying helplessly like an impotent rag doll on a couch, fearing for the worst that has yet to happen (that is, those kids would suddenly think that it would be even more cool to mimic The Rock’s flying elbow maneuver). Then suddenly… by some means of miracle, all the zappings stopped abruptly by something that resembled a thunder clap.

The sound was so loud that it terrified the gang of ultramen and had them frozen still in terror. It was the yell of the hive queen of all monsters who hailed the name “HOUSEWIFE”. With a set of fiery eyes, carnivorous looking mouth, size as big as a mountain and armed with a light saber, she’s one foul creature that you would never want to mess with. (now, this is the killer of all irony, she’s actually the mother of 3 of those ultramen in that gang, and also my wife Emily’s sister – we’re all fucking related).

She was waving her light saber skankily like somebody had lost her mind, and with only one sweep, it graced the butt of almost all the ultramen. It was unbelievable.

“YOU ALL !! HAVEN’T I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO KEEP QUIET??? NOW GO SIT BY THAT CORNER!!!” she was pointing the light saber at the terrified ultramen while issuing that threat. In no time, all the half dozen of terrified ultramen scurried to that corner and sat servilely as decreed. A few threats later, only did the HOUSEWIFE get back to her busy chores, leaving myself pointing at the bunch of terrified ultramen and ridiculed them shit headed …

It was the day where evil triumphed over the good.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 25 Comments
September 22, 2004

when an animal goes wacky

Once upon a time, when I was walking back to my grandma’s place with my cousins one fine afternoon, a white male dog suddenly sprung out of nowhere to block out paths. It seemed friendly, you know, was wagging its tail and shit. We thought it just wanted to be cute or something, so we ignored the dog and continued to walk. The dog, probably not very happy for not getting enough attention, decided to rear up and put its paws on my chest (it was a big ass dog, and I was only an 8 year old kid). The dog tried to lick my face with it’s filthy tongue and I got freaked out.

My reflex was to push the animal away. It fell to the side and started to get really excited – probably thought that I was playing with it. Then it jumped up again and did the same thing. By that time, both my cousins had already fled to a nearby 4 wheeler to seek refuge on top of the vehicle. The dog relentlessly tried to lick my face, and I was struggling hard to avert it’s goddamn long tongue.

I had no choice but to resort to my last stance of defense — I gave the fucker dog a hard kick at it’s abdomen which had it whimpering with pain. Then I gave the dog a second kick at it’s muzzle, which sent it flying straight into a drain nearby. I then distanced myself off from the drain and was checking out on the status of the dog. I was expecting the dog to chicken out and go away. But to my surprise, that dog shot out from the drain again and headed straight at me. This time, I could see its reddish dick dangling out like a really long lipstick. That was when I realized that the dog wasn’t just any dog. It’s a sadomasochistic dog (that’s a full description of what is known as S&M). Apparently, violence seems to make it exponentially hornier and now it wanted to hump me to get off the steam I started.

I immediately bolted off from the spot, running for my life. But I knew it wasn’t going to cut the mustard, as the psychotic dog could outrun me with ease and I can’t be running forever. I knew I had to look for something to climb on, but there wasn’t any tree. So, I decided to make a dash towards my grandma’s gate, which was approximately 20 – 30 meters away.

So I ran with all my might. Nobody has seen an 8 years old run like that before. I was lucky to reach the gate before the maniac dog did, but I was hit with another problem. To open my grandma’s gate, I would need to unhook the padlock, and then to slide open the rusty bolt. Sounded very simple, but I didn’t have the luxury of time to do all that as the dog was closing in. Fast.

Hence, I did what seemed to be the most logical thing for me to do right at that critical moment — climb the fucking gate. My grandma’s gate was a high one, about 5 feet. Coupled with the welded steel spikes, it stood 8 feet at least. Climbing the gate was a dangerous task. One slip, one will get impaled right through the asshole.

But I decided to climb it anyway (if I don’t, I’d get raped by a dog…). It was done in such a frantic manner that one of the half-curve spikes actually caught on the side of my shorts – exposing my balls (I wasn’t wearing an underwear. Don’t ask, I was just a kid). With both hands holding onto the spikes, I was basically stuck on top of the gate. I couldn’t jump over either direction, because that would definitely rip off my shorts and I would be naked from the waist down for the rest of the day. And that fucking dog was pounding on the gate, which kinda make my situation even more tippy.

I was trying hard to unhook my stuck shorts… while calling out for my cousins’ to help. Both of them were still on top of the 4 wheeler. Laughing at my ass. They contemplated for a whole minute before managed to come up with a plan to shoo the insane animal away – by hurling pebbles at it. After getting struck by a few eyeball sized stones, that dog finally bailed off – leaving the terrified me on the gate, still stuck.

Things got a lot more calmer after that, and I managed to steadily unhook my shorts to climb down – saving the disgrace of losing my shorts. And that experience, still vividly lives in my brain until today.

michaelooi  | escapades  | Comments Off