I’ve noticed that a lot of people have disdained the way I write, about how I was always right in my daily encounter with general public. It was as if, the whole fucking world looks inferior to me, and I lone ride a badass horse down the town shooting people with my righteous gun. (that was never trueee)

So for this post, I’m gonna try to change that perception - you know, instead of making myself sound like a martyr, I’m going to make it sound like I’m the villain.

Ok, the whole thing actually started last week. I was being a bad parent and was sending Regine to the nursery, as usual. You know, I got to fucking work and stuff, so it has been a bad habit of mine to abandon my child into the hands of a couple of self-proclaimed professionals who have 20 over years experience in handling kids (bah, who gives a fuck about that? I just want to jettison my responsibility somewhere…)

So I was speeding like a shitfuck along this residential street doing approximately neckbreaking 30 km/h. Emily was at the back seat abusing Regine by reading her boring storybooks. I was about to reach the nursery, when I saw this nice newspaper vendor riding his motorcycle in a zigzag manner towards my direction from the front. Apparently, he was riding like that not because he had a pile infection out of his bunghole, but because was trying to make a living by flinging A LOT of newspapers to his subscribers. (picture this: he kinda had to ride really close to the gate, fling a roll of newspaper and ride to the opposite side of the street and do the same, and then repeat from the opposite side).

He was doing that at a rather innocent speed, like, 50 - 60 km/h. Real slow yeah. So I kinda drove on, you know, had to cut my speed a bit lest he ends up wrecking my car and waste my NCB… and so I thought he’d be smart enough to stop whatever he was doing and fucking let me pass. He did that alright, stopped by a curb and looking at me. But it wasn’t any ordinary look that he was giving me. It was a hostile look, his eyeballs was at the verge of popping out, like he was passing judgement on me for being the person responsible for the spate of rape cases in town. Whatever.

Then just as I was driving past him, he suddenly hurled something in Hokkien dialect at my car - “SIAO LANG!!!” (which roughly translates to “CRAZY MAN!!!”). Oh boy, was I crazy…

him - riding a modified bike (for storage) zigzag across a 2 way traffic, in 50 - 60km/h, with one hand handling the bike, and the other flinging newspapers, without wearing a helmet, swearing in front of my kid.

me - driving a black shining automatic car with airbag and ABS, straight, on the correct lane, under 40km/h, looking smart because I have enough education to not look like a street urchin like him (despite being approximately twice my age),

Hell yeah, I’m crazy alright (maybe I landed on the wrong planet). No doubt about that. I could have fucking killed him had I been sane enough, but that didn’t happen because I’m fucking crazy and I chose to ignore him. Like, WEEEEOOEEEEOEEEOOOOO.

But I did myself proud yesterday. I bump into Mr.Nice-Newspaper-Vendor again. I was standing at the curb this time (after dropping off Regine). He was doing his routine bike slalom at the neighborhood and I had a moment to decide if I want to reciprocate his kindness the other day. I was thinking of brushing him down on the tarmac from the side and then fucking burn all his newspapers - it would be so cool (and I don’t have to worry about getting into trouble since I’m fucking crazy and I can do anything I like). But then, the plan was scrapped because it was a rather wet morning and I don’t have a lighter in handy (I don’t smoke).

So, I finally decided to do things his way, like a sane normal person would - I yelled back at him in Hokkien, “SIAO LANG!!!” - from behind, which startled him enough to almost cause him to crash into a nearby gate. It felt so fucking good to see him react like that.

It’s cool to be ‘not crazy’ sometimes.

[back to work...]

Something magical happened to me during the weekend. I was standing on the balcony catching some breeze when suddenly, this beautiful bird appeared out of nowhere and stood right next to where I was standing… which made me felt kinda astounded - because you know, birds aren’t normally that bold.

I thought, maybe for some weird reasons, this bird wanted to be friendly to me, and maybe it wanted to be my pet or something like that. Not wanting to be rude, I extended out my index finger and invited it to perch on… and you know what? It actually flew up and perched on my index finger - pretty much like what you see in those goddamn fairytale cartoons! Like, how many of you actually experienced something as awesome as this?

What’s even more bizarre was, the bird then started to sing… and before long, the rest of its members appeared and I suddenly found myself being surrounded by motherfucking load of birds that was all over the fucking place and…

Alright, I made up the story above. This suicidal bird actually flew into my balcony glass door and got knocked out cold. This was the second time it did that. Not sure if it was the same bird but, it was definitely the same TYPE of bird.

The first time it happened, bird didn’t lose consciousness but kinda stoned from concussion. I caught it up and released it after letting it rest for a while.

This time however, the bird got a little bit more messed up. It regained consciousness after a very short while, but it never got its shit back together again. I reckoned that its brain could have sustained permanent damage or something. Couldn’t even use it to control its sphincter because it was shitting all over my balcony. I made sure that it was sober enough to flap its wings and tossed it out of the balcony - which she (assuming that its a ’she’ bird, as I didn’t see any dick dangling under that birdie crotch) ungracefully glided into a shapeshifter’s arms at the garden below - which I then saw her being brought away into a dark corner somewhere and disappeared out of sight. No idea what happened to the bird after that.

But that was of secondary concern. The main concern for me was, I had a close encounter with a live bird. A live suicidal bird in fact. Why was it suicidal? Could it be that she had found out that she has a terminal stage breast cancer? Or even worse, somekind of deadly… fluuuuuuuuuuuu? That was why I spent the next half hour sterilizing my whole fucking balcony with Lysol… and gave myself a good scrub with an antiseptic soap. Had to clean my darn camera as well… I’m not taking any chances. (if you’re not already aware about the H5N1 virus infection, read this)

Weird things happen to me all the time. Sheesh

I was at this workshop waiting for my car to be serviced. Knowing that the whole thing may take quite a while to complete, I made myself comfortable at a couch inside an air-conditioned waiting room, which was right next to the workshop admin’s desk.

I flipped through a couple of magazines to kill some time, but eventually, bored down to doing nothing after that. That was when I shifted my attention to the admin (about 8 - 9 feet away), which was a mediocre looking lass in her early 20s. She has tiny tits and her ass wasn’t all that glorious, but I ogled her anyway (I was bored, so it was acceptable…)

Nothing interesting happened for the first few minutes or so, until she squatted down to rummage for something in her lower drawer - that was when I caught a full glimpse of her tushy (she was wearing this really low slung pants, you see), which was full of what seems to be like some sort of sores or blisters… as if she has coxsackie virus specifically attacking her at the posterior region. It was all over her fucking ass. (well, technically, I only saw 40% of her ass… but I am confident that that her whole ass was infected)

I was like “OMFG”, like, what the fuck is wrong with her… why would she wear something like this to work. This is not the kind of stuff that people want to be shown in public. This is totally unlike tattoos or piercings. This is skin disease, goddamnit. Why would anyone want to parade around showing off their leprosy ass? I felt disturbed by the grisly sight and changed to look somewhere to save myself some trauma.

About 10 minutes later, Leper Girl began to act weird. I wasn’t looking at her but, I spotted her at the corner of my eyes. (we guys have wide-angle sight. I could be standing half feet in front of your face, but I can still see your tits at the same time. Believe it girls.) It was the kind of ‘on the lookout’ behaviour that we guys normally do, whenever we want to take a piss into a drain. That was why I knew she was up to something no good.

Sure enough, after gotten the assurance that I ‘wasn’t looking’, she whipped out a small container of ointment, gouged a dollop of it with her index finger and began to rub vigorously on her ass. (I reckon that must be some antiseptic cream for her coxsackie rash). It was both funny and gross for me at the same time. Like, how often do you see a total stranger chick digging at her own ass applying cream on her apparent skin condition in front of you? I shit you not, I was almost at the verge of jumping out with my phone camera to capture that golden moment for my blogging zeal - but I wasn’t confident that my camera’s able to fire a shot fast enough before she shrieks and covers up.

So all that while, I was stifling not to give myself away. The hardest part was when I was asked by that Leper Girl to settle the bill for my car. Not wanting to touch anything that she had touched before, I opted to pay cash, but only to realize that I didn’t have enough. So I had no choice but to pay by card. Witnessing my card being ravaged by her contaminated fingers was the most uncool thing ever. (of course, I immediately washed my hands with an antiseptic soap when I got home. I probably need to disinfect the whole interior of my car as well…)

So the next time you think of whiffing your ringgit notes or picking your teeth with a credit card, think twice before you do it. You’ll never know what might end up inside your mouth…

It was one of my colleague’s farewell lunch and we’re at this seafood restaurant. About 10 minutes after we seated, I felt a soft poke on my shoulder. I looked over, it was an old lady with disheveled white hair… showing me a small piece of torn out paper. Written on it, were 4 digits of number. Forgot what the number was, but let’s just put it as 5349.

“….. ….. ….. ….. 5349 ….. …..?”

That was all I could make out from what she was trying to say to me. Only the 4-digit number. As you may have noticed, it ended with a question mark. She was actually asking me a question and I have no idea what was it all about. From the way her expression goes, it was as if I’m gonna fucking regret for the rest of my life if I don’t copy down that lucky 4 digit number from her… for a small fee maybe.

Not quite interested in what she has to offer, I did what I usually do best - I flashed her a friendly smile and said “No thanks”, and turned my attention back to the table. But it didn’t quite end there, for the old lady was still standing right behind me. Again, she asked

“….. ….. ….. ….. 5349 ….. …..?”

Freakish.

I was thinking of maybe to pay her off so that she would leave me alone but, I was also worried that it might make her feel the rush of being bold… you know, like I’m fucking scared of her… which she might then climb up on me and give my ear a blowjob or something. So I decided to be honest with her and see how the situation develops…

“Errmmm, I’m sorry… but I’m not into 4D gambling, alright?”

She didn’t budge a bit. She just stood there looking at me like she’s expecting something from me. I didn’t know what else to do, and decided to ignore her for good, at the same time hoping that she wouldn’t turn hostile on me.

One of my colleague however, sensed that something was wrong about the whole thing, and decided to investigate further. He kinda listened to the 4D old lady for a couple more times and asked some questions… and after a whole deal lot of understanding later, he found out that she was actually asking if anyone of us on the table owned a car with the registration number ‘5349′ (which to my embarrassment, was completely not about 4D at all). Apparently, that ‘5349′ car was blocking some traffic out there and she wanted the owner to remove it pronto.

Man, I was like, beet fucking red about the whole misunderstanding thing… and I suddenly felt like

a) a jerk
b) putting my head into the toilet bowl and flush (also called a swirlie, by the way…)

I was lucky that the old lady wasn’t some kind of a bad tempered hag or the like of it. She could have yelled “MOVE YOUR FUCKING CAR!!!”, but she chose not to… Instead, she asked softly and politely and got her own ass mistaken as a mad woman trying to solicit 4D lottery number. What an injustice that I had done to her. *repeatedly smacks myself stupid*

Maybe it would have been better for her to yell like she had lost her mind… vandalize the car maybe… (that ‘5349′ car turned out to be my boss’ car…)

*Kinda free at work this morning, so I decided to write a little…

There was a time when I used to be immaculate. A time far before the internet and porn. A time when I only know about soccer and innocent mischiefs… until I learnt ‘more’ about the world that one fateful afternoon.

It was after school at about noon, and like usual, I went over to the school field (which was opposite my school by the sea) to play soccer with my friends. It was like a daily routine while waiting for my schoolbus. But when I arrived there, I was quickly ushered to the edge of the volleyball court changing room building (which was just right next to the field) by this friend of mine (the same guy who showed me my first porn mag).

He whispered to me in a hushed tone :

Friend: [whisper] “Duuuuuude.. shhhh! Keep it down! There’s a guy at the back of that wall there jacking off! ahakss!”

Well, he actually quoted ‘pak chiu cheng‘, which is Hokkien for ‘wanking’. I had heard that word many times before at that age (I was only 8 or 9), but only had a faint idea of what it really was. But I was about to find out…

Me: [whisper] “What the fuck?? He’s doing it on our field?? Why would he want to do that lah??”

I was innocent. Forgive me.

Friend: [whisper] “I don’t know man. Don’t ask me. Maybe he’s just sick or something.”

It was just a blank discussion. It really mattered not to us on why the guy did it. But for something like this to happen in our school compound, it’s already heck of an interesting phenomenon for the rest of the younger boys. The news soon began to spread faster than wildfire, and in the matter of seconds (it was really that fast), we had dozens of curious boys sneaking behind the walls… myself included, to peek at that psychotic horny dude jacking himself off under the hot sun.

The guy happened to be a middle aged bloke… still wearing a motorcycle helmet, sitting on the edge of the washing well (a place to wash our feet) and fervently working on his dick. He was pretty much in ‘control of the situation’ until when I made that fake moan in falsetto voice…

Me : “Ooooohh ahhhhh oooooohhhh aahhhhh ooooh aaaahhh~~”

My prankish cry triggered 2 simultaneous reactions:

1) The guys catching for their breath for laughing too fucking hard, and
2) The wanker jolting up as if he was discovered by his mother-in-law porking the family dog.

I kinda half expected him to immediately pull his pants up and skedaddle, you know… but then surprisingly, he went on with his business. I guess he must be already ‘too far to go back’ in his fantasy, lest he’d spill his cum on his pants or something like that. And that kinda gave us more time to goad that guy up with more of our shenanigans.

Some of us would howl like wolves, some would follow suit with more creative orgasmic moanings, some would simply yell “HOI!”. The jeering lasted for about 10 minutes (Now that I think of it, that was kinda long for a session of jackoff) before horny dude decided he had had enough, pulled up his pants and got the fuck out of there - but not without yelling at us with some profanities.

We had a good laugh and some of the kids even went to the site to survey if horny dude had actually ejaculated, which they later ascertained that he didn’t. He left the site clean, except for perhaps a few strands of pubic hair for the roaches as souvenirs.

Believe it man… there are a lot of sick people amongst us. (I meant the horny dude, not us innocent kids…).