*this is a continuation from the previous entry… *

Now, a little bit about our principal - ‘Brother Casimir’ was a name that brought tremendous fear back in those days. Though he wasn’t really the incumbent discipline enforcer and rarely made appearances around the classroom areas, rumor had it that he once appeared out of nowhere to grab a boy for misbehaving and gave him the nastiest whack ever on the ass. It was said that the cane whack seared so deep, that the poor boy couldn’t sit upright for days. Although I suspected the tale was probably a product of exaggeration as it traveled from mouth to mouth, I did notice that Bro Casimir indeed brought about an enigmatic aura of trepidation around him. He had the stench of a very dangerous man.

Maybe it was his macabre look, I don’t know. With a pair of deep dark eyes, protruded forehead, hooked nose and one side of crispy thin lopsided hind ear - it wouldn’t be surprising at all if one suspects that he was somewhat a cross between a nosferatu and that pesky pet rat of Jabba the Hutt. People were naturally scared of him. Especially us schoolkids. Whenever he passes by a classroom, one could notice the instant effect. The whole class would go quiet and silence would follow wherever he went. Words would travel fast from classrooms to the next, that “Brother is coming!” and everyone would perk the fuck up and be at their best behavior. Dicks would shrivel and sphincters pucker. And I reckon if there was to be a dog around, it would probably bite its own balls to commit suicide the moment Brother appears, no shit. (alright, that was just an exaggeration…)

So, this fearsome white wizard was standing before me, his white pulpit robe flowing, white hair glistening… but his eyes were fiery red. I’ve never seen him so fucking mad before. He grabbed my puny arm and dragged me to the corridor and started to hurl a tirade of batshit angry rebuke at me. I couldn’t understand a single thing he said then because

a) I was too busy being scared shitless
b) he had this thick Irish (or was it Scottish?) accent that made him sound like Rambo with a toothache…

I only managed to make up a few sentences, which one of them was “I’M GONNA MAKE SURE YOU GET A STICK FROM ME TOMORROW! NOW TELL ME YOUR NAME!” - He didn’t bring his fucking cane so, he had to book an appointment to get my ass whooped on the next day. And that, was the motherfuckest torture I had to endure in my entire life as a schoolkid. Had he whooped me right away on that spot, I wouldn’t had suffered what I had to fucking go through. Imagine, I had to go home that day feeling like I’m about to be lynched the next day… which gave me a fucking miserable and sleepless night. I didn’t eat well, nor did anything well. Just scared shitless. It was the longest night ever.

The next day was a Friday, I remember… and I went to school dithering like a Parkinson patient, looking out for the white wizard to appear in front of the class to summon my head. I waited the whole day long, but surprisingly, he didn’t show up. I was at the verge of going insane, and amidst the agitated state of mind and paranoia, a more foreboding thought came to me - the wizard probably didn’t come because he wanted to save my ass for the Monday assembly public caning… OH MY FUCKING GODDD PANIC PANIC.

And from there, I had to endure another 2 tormenting days through the weekend to face the day of reckoning - which by then, I had already mentally braced myself for the worst… And then the time came in the assembly, it never fucking happened. Brother Casimir wasn’t even fucking there. And because the worst of the possible situation had already gone by, my fear sort of like subsided after that. And he never came that day, the day after and for weeks and months after. I gave it a thought one day, about what went wrong and I suspected that I might have given Brother the wrong name and the wrong class out of my freaked out mind - which might have prevented him from locating me… because you know why? We Chinese kids looked all the fucking same to him. The whole incident went by as if it was an incomplete nightmare… I woke up before Freddy Krueger manage to struck me with his evil ’stick’ (kinky)

That was my second narrow escape from a calamitous fate, after the first one. I can be unbelievably lucky sometimes…

People always say, that there are 2 things you cannot avoid in your adult life - tax and advertisements. But for a high school student, it has got to be the ‘classroom duty’. No I’m not referring ‘duty’ as in ‘your duty to fucking finish your high school and not be a yokel’. But ‘classroom duty’ as in, the janitorial work that your kiddy ass has been exploited to do by your corrupted school board in their bid to save some maintenance cost. You know, sweep the floor, dust the fucking blackboard and stuff? Yep. Back during my time (I am not sure if people are still doing that today), everyone has to take turn to clean up the mess after class - well unless if you’re a cripple or a biological retard.

The classroom duty was always a fun thing for me and my buddies. I’m not implying that we LIKE to do janitorial work, but more like having the propensity to make the most out of each job. We’d give half assed effort for it and spend the rest of the period romping around. You know, like engaging in broom fights… duster fights… duster soccer… duster juggling (there were a thousand and one cool stuff that we could do with a duster, besides dusting the stupid blackboard) and sometimes, illegal activities like swapping defective desks to adjacent classes. Such were our activities, fully utilized to our juvenile amusement.

One day, we overdid it. I overdid it. I don’t quite remember what was the theme and who was there with me that day but, I was having hell of a great time. Towards the end of the duty, right before we were about to wrap up and lock the classroom, I did a final stunt called ‘the basketball chair’ maneuver. The ‘basketball chair’ maneuver, as the name implies, is played like a basketball… except that there is no ball nor basket involved. You use a fucking chair. Here’s how it goes - you throw a chair from a distance away towards another chair, so that it lands upright and stacks up on one another. Requires a little bit of skill to pull a stunt like that but, if you could master it, you’d save a lot of work stacking up chairs.

That day, I was pulling a feat that none of my friends have ever done before (well, that’s probably because they’re not as such a dumbass as I was…). I was trying to do the basketball chair thing at the full length of the class. That is - from the front of the classroom, right to the back of it. That’s like the equivalent of a 3 point shot from a full court length in a real basketball game. I don’t know what was I thinking but, it seemed like a neat idea back then.

I can still remember, the chair I was holding was one of those ubiquitous old skool rusty steel chair (that always fucking stain our white uniforms). That thing was heavy, about a few kilograms. I lifted it up with little regards, took a careful aim and flung it with all my might. The chair took flight across the classroom, landed about half a foot short of the target and fell sideways, resulting a din of metal crashing against the cement floor, which I reckoned was loud enough to be heard across the building block. On any other normal day, this would have been a really trivial thing to happen. But that day, was not an ‘any other normal day’. It was the day the planets were not in alignment to my chi, and the cosmic energy was incongruent with my spirit, which thoroughly fucked up my chakra. After the explosion of sound, I noticed a white object towering above me from behind… which prompted me to turn back and look up, and saw my 6 feet something school principal - the formidable Brother Casimir Hannon… and that was when I realized that my fate is in jeopardy there…

(to be continued…)

I kinda accidentally learned how it felt like to have my anus scorched last Saturday. I know this sounds very kinkish but trust me, it isn’t what you’re thinking at all.

Here’s how it happened - I was applying some *Yoko-yoko on my back while I was watching TV and somehow, pressed on the applicator too hard. As a result of that, the heat generating liquid kinda trickled down into my buttcrack and into The Hole. At first, it was just some breezy cool feeling down there but after a while, it gradually grew into a full scale inferno. And trust me, it was something out of this world (in a wretched way). It burns. A lot. It was like having a running hairdryer (or a burning toaster) stuck up into your ass.

I should have dabbed that shit off with a moist toilet paper or something… but I didn’t. Instead, I scampered into the toilet and scrubbed my ass with plenty of soap vigorously… and THAT, I later learned, was a big mistake. You see, scrubbing it is akin to spreading it to the adjacent areas, and that was exactly what happened next - my entire ass was stinging like it getting a blowtorch service! And it stayed like that for a whole 20 or so minutes before the effects starting to wear off…

Now who would have thought that a plan for a peaceful afternoon in front of a TV could end up like this? Shit happens. (I wonder what’s gonna happen if we drip a few drops of Yoko-yoko on a cat’s balls or ass? If your neighbor has an obnoxious cat that shits around your garden, you might want to try this…)

*Yoko-yoko - somekind of a liquid pain reliever very popular amongst old farts who suffer constant back pain from stooping and partying around too much. It comes in this small and convenient bottle, which has a slanted sponge applicator shaped like a toilet cleaner (see it here)

I always make full use of my brain when I walk. I think a lot. Work stuff, you know, like how the hell could that distant transient fuck a MOSFET on a separate circuit, was that a C or D cup on that chick’s rack, etc. It’s the nature of my job - to think a lot.

As a result of that, I can sometimes paint a false impression of a poker face to the public. It scares people sometimes, which is kind of cool… but occasionally, the effect can be dire, like how it piqued one of the shapeshifter security guards’ attention at Company X one fine day.

[The guard was doing a metal detector scan on my body...]

Shapeshifter guard: “Eh Michael, kenapa you selalu tak senyum? Senyum ler”
(translation: “Eh Michael, why are you always so gloomy. You should smile more.”)

It wasn’t said in jest, but in a way that made me feel like extremely uncomfortable. It was as if, she was trying to hit on me. More like a flirt or something. I shudder at the very thought of it.

She was like what, 45? 50? And her size was like an aged walrus with eating disorder. I can hear snores when she breathes. Why the hell would a creature of that wretched stature hit on me man? What kind of injustice was that?

Feeling repulsed, I concocted a stale and uninteresting reply to get out of the situation, delivered in a cold way

Me : “Saya tak senyum kerana gaji saya rendah, kerja saya banyak dan kucing saya mati semalam”
(translation: “I didn’t smile a lot because I am underpaid, overworked and my cat croaked last night”)

She didn’t say another word after that.

Looks like a mid-life crisis beckoning, but I’m not giving in. I’d mope a few more days and I’d be alright again…

I was returning from lunch and was about to board the elevator… when something lying inside the elevator floor jolted the daylights out of me. I snapped a photo of it after regaining my composure (warning: not for the weak hearted…)

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