Last week, I was made to toil through a boring 3 hour lecture session about ‘Lean’, and was introduced to this thing called ’7 wastes of Lean’… which is all about identifying and classifying non-value added practices into 7 categories, and then reduce them as necessary.

I feel compelled to summarize this up into a less complex way for the benefit of all…

1. Transportation
Transportation incurs aging, and also exposes your product to higher risk of getting damaged.
Example: You set your date at the west side of the town, and when everything boils down to sex, you drive your date home to the east side of town, which is about 1.5 hours (excluding traffic) away. And because the journey is perilous and long, you’re also more likely to get into an accident and that much least likely to have sex with her. This is stupid and it’s definitely a waste.
Idea: Have your date at nearer location. Like, 5 minutes away from the pork zone… or better still, have your date on the bed…

2. Inventory
Cumulated inventory not only hinders productivity, but incurs cost as well.
Example: You’re 10 seconds away from inserting your junk into her vadge. But when you want a condom, you realize that you have to fumble your way through the stash of DVD-R medias, unread MAD magazines and a few dozen cans of dog food which you purchased at a bargain price during a recent grand sale. And your bitch’s denying you entry without protection… You’re in dilemma and totally wasted.
Idea: Don’t stash. Consume only what you need. And do plenty of housekeeping.

3. Motion
Unnecessary movement to get a job done is a waste.
Example: You’re having a steamy session with your girl. While you’re kneading her tits halfway, you go grab yourself a beer and take a leak, and then come back to continue. Just when you’re about to hump her, you ask to be excused again to go borrow a condom from your neighbor. A sex session that should have been filled with fervor and substance, ends up with your girl getting frustrated watching you do cross country exercises across the whole apartment.
Idea: Place all your props and tools strategically throughout your house. Should be a hand stretch distance away…

4. Waiting
Having to wait for a process to complete is a blatant waste of resources.
Example: Your date wears a beautiful 3 layered designer dress. When it comes to getting it on, you took 15 minutes to peel off the top 2 layer, 5 minutes for the third, and another 2 to unhook her bra. Your chick waited for it to end, all the while doing nothing. This is a waste of resources.
Idea: While it is perfectly excusable for a guy to be such a tard when it comes to peeling off crazy designer dresses, it is unforgivable for the girl to sit around waiting to be stripped and doing nothing. The girl should make use of her pair of free hands to give you a prostate massage while you’re dismantling her clothes! Or she can knit a scarf for all we care! Just don’t idle!

5. Overproduction
Doing too much for a specific goal / target.
Example: Spending too much time adjusting the air-cond, cleaning up the bed, fragrancing the room, lighting up candles to set the ambient – before having sex with your date. Your date only wanted a wet and wild night getting penetrated left/right/center, but you wasted her precious time trying to impress her by attempting to boost the mood (when the mood’s already there).
Idea: Just do whatever that is necessary. If she wants sex, fuck her already. Nevermind the curtain, nevermind the ambient. Just give it to her.

6. Overprocessing
Doing non-value things for a specific purpose.
Example:You check your dick for any stray bristle that could puncture the condom before sex. And then just to double make sure, you rub it off with a modeling clay for scratch marks. And then to triple make sure, you spelunk into your girl’s vagina to see if there are any sharp objects inside that could also puncture the condom. But little did you realize that if your condom’s gonna tear (due to poor quality or whatever), it’s gonna tear anyway. Could happen halfway through the pounding. Wasted efforts.
Idea: If your girl doesn’t have gonorrhea, or is not ovulating, you probably do not need a condom in the first place. Know your work. Then work it well.

7. Defects
Anything that is produced defective will be a gross waste.
Example: Imagine yourself spending a hefty amount of hard earned cash just to make an evening perfect for your date, and then comes the sex time, your car breaks down. Frustration ensues and your date leaves. A total tragedy. After all the time, money and effort, all for nothing? A waste indeed.
Idea: Make sure you maintain your ride well, and take a good care of it.

*****

These are suppose to be useful stuff. Now, all you have to do is interpret it your own way and think of how it could help you in your career and shit. You’re welcome.

I was required to attend a presentation cum training session at Company X today, conducted by a local HR manageress. I didn’t exactly know what was it all about, but what I knew was – upon completion of the session, I would become a much better person and be able to effectively fill in an electronic form to tell my boss how awesome I am (believe it man, this is real).

Unfortunately, that did not happen. That was because I walked out of the session halfway through. Why? Because if I didn’t, I might have snored inside the room and attracted a lot of unwanted attention. Yes, it was ridiculously boring, full of crap and an utter waste of time. Thanks to the bozo HR manageress who committed the 3 critical mistakes that a presenter should not ever commit. If you do not already know what are the 3 critical mistakes, count your blessings already and let me enlighten you here:

1) Not knowing too well the content of the subject
This is the motherfuckest of all sins combined, and yet is the most committed amongst the three. You should know what you are presenting like it is the back of your hands. At every depth and every angle. With that, you should have very little dependence on notes or slides, and naturally, you’d have the ability to push the information well.

The HR hag violated this over and over again. She made the audience sit for a whole 10 minutes idling just so that she could organize her slides in proper order lest she might forget why she was there. She made use of 50 executives’ time to make up for her incompetency. It was a gross wastage of man hours. It’s evident that the bitch was not well prepared and for that reason alone, she ought to have her dental benefits removed.

2) Using lengthy descriptions/articles in presentation slides.
Slides should be terse and straight to the point. Use graphics or charts to illustrate a point/objective, then elaborate orally. This is very closely related to mistake# 1 above. If you’re well prepared and know your shit well, technically, you won’t be needing any slides at all to start your ritual. You’d just need some oxygen and a functioning brain. The slides should be there for purely cosmetic illustrations and to bring the points across.

HR hag embellished her slides with verbose write ups, and asked the participants to read from the slides themselves. If I need to read articles, I could have done it in the comfort of my own cubicle, or even at home… scratching my balls at the same time, whenever I feel like it. Why would I need her to ‘present’ it to me? That goes on to show how redundant her role was in the training. For that, she ought to have her wage removed. A janitor would have better value than her.

3) The presenter reads directly from the presentation slides.
This is closely related to both mistake#1 and mistake#2 above. When you’re too dumb to know what you’re talking about and starts projecting slides that have more words than the bible, the next thing you’ll automatically do is to read straight from the slides yourself. This is the second most common mistake after mistake#1. The fuck I need you to read off the slides for me.

When HR hag wasn’t asking us to read from the slides on our own, she would read it out loud for us as if we were all as blind as a bat. Reminded me of our primary years, when our teacher required us to read out loud from the textbook to make sure that none of us are dyslexic or retarded. In this case, it just made her look like a complete dimwit for making all the 3 critical mistakes in one cue.

That was why I walked out of the presentation/training session. The bitch was wasting my time.

I was having my lunch with a friend at a chicken rice joint today, when my guy radar detected a strong signal of ‘pretty young thing’ about to enter the premise. And indeed there was one. The subject was a slender and decent attired young girl, was entering the place when I spotted her. I didn’t quite see her face at first so, my initial quick assessment of her looks was ‘not bad’. But then, that opinion quickly changed when I finally got to see the girl’s face. She was with a set of buckteeth, so out of proportion that I couldn’t see her lower lips. Goddamn.

That actually kind of got me thinking, why do some of us have buckteeth and why some of us don’t? Is it because of some unknown biological reasons? Or are they just unfortunate cases of randomly acquired mutation from unbalanced diet or environmental pollution? The mystery beckons for answers, but I have my own take on that. I came up with a few theories while I was wolfing down a few pieces of chicken… Here they are:

A) Evolution – improved respiratory system
1) Our air is fast becoming filthier. Filthier means, more particles for our nasal hairs to filter and it won’t take long before our nostrils get clogged up with boogers. If a person does not clear his/her nose frequent enough, that person may find himself/herself breathing less air than required (i.e. lack of oxygen). We know lack of oxygen affects the cognitive function of the human brain and causes erratic behavior.
2) Hence, cometh the buckteeth. The buckteeth is an evolution on the human respiratory system, where the buckteeth would outgrow the upper lips to force open the mouth naturally, therefore, allowing more air/oxygen to enter the lungs – eliminating the problem mentioned in (1). The small fissures between the buckteeth would act like a natural filter in place of the nasal hairs, to prevent excessive particles from entering through the mouth. (refer to illustration).
3) There would be little risk of infection, since anything that escaped the teeth-fissure filter would likely end up in our digestive system and eventually purged out as excrement/shit. (our saliva also acts like natural antiseptic).

B) Evolution – adaptation to diet
1) A lot of girls are known to adopt strict vegetarian diet to attain the illusion of having a slim and chiseled body. If you have been paying attention to your studies, you would know that another word for organism that consumes plants as their primary diet is ‘herbivore’.
2) Those girls that went rogue and started to consume plants, they kind of strayed out from the main tree of human evolution to become a herbivore.
3) The bone structure of a herbivore is unlike a human’s. Most of them have muzzles and protruded long incisors which enable them to graze at plain fields or meadows. You can imagine a horse. Without a long face and protruded front teeth, a horse would face a lot of difficulty grazing on any flat ground. You get the idea. For buckteeth in humans, they could also be used to scrape up fruit contents or cut vegetation without having the need to use a knife.
4) Girls with buckteeth, I suspect, are at their initial stage of evolving into a herbivore. Given enough time, their ilks will grow a muzzle, a tail and probably chew their own cud. If your girlfriend has a set of buckteeth and neighs during the climax of her orgasm, don’t be surprised. She’s probably in the process of changing into a horse (or pony, if she’s short).

C) Evolution – self defense
1) With so many sex offenders on the prowl nowadays, it is only logic that the weaker sex starts to develop its own special countermeasure traits to insure its survival.
2) The girls could grow stronger and more aggressive, maybe as strong and aggressive as the males. But that’s very unlikely. That’s because in order for that to happen, they must have the testosterone hormone. To produce their own testosterone hormone, they would need a sack of nuts. But we all know if that happens, we human species will most definitely face the threat of extinction. That’s because straight guys would cringe at the thought of their girlfriends having a sack of nuts for them to cup. So, the only thing left for them to evolve without really jeopardizing the equilibrium of nature is to have a set of really badass teeth. Buckteeth. That way, the girls won’t have to grow a sack of balls to be tough.
3) This is just like some species of baboons that I saw on National Geographic channel, where the alpha male would bare its set of teeth to show strength and dominance. I believe this buckteeth works the same way. When a girl with buckteeth feels threatened, she’ll open up her mouth to bare her buckteeth and the perpetrator would have to think twice before doing anything stupid.

D) Evolution – enhanced sexual gratification
1) For guys, that is. Girls nowadays have been giving so much blowjobs, that their teeth are starting to grow outwards, lending its cavity to grow downwards to big giant dicks. (this is like the opposite of fitting a set of braces to keep them straight).
2) With longer jutted buckteeth, the guy’s pubic hair will be automatically ‘brushed’ aside by the teeth in motion, reducing the risk of pubic hair choking hazard. Also, it’ll keep the pubic hair region an offset distance away from the blower’s nose – making her less likely to catch an unexpected pubic odor from the guy’s pubic hair. You can imagine her buckteeth is like an automatic offset comb or something (or the V-shaped front bumper of a steam locomotive – I don’t know what it is called)
3) The protruded buckteeth also provides additional scraping action, resulting extra sensation of her male counterpart in the fellatio, subsequently improving the relationship. In this theory, I’m imagining the buckteeth as an object to attract prospective male partners, just like the animals – eg. proboscis monkeys with big phallic nose, peacock with colorful feathers, etc.

*****
Of course these are just theories. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t have a PhD. And I didn’t spend a single cent to come up with all these (as opposed to a proper research, which could take a lot of resources and money). But then, I might just be right…

I don’t know if this is just me but, I find myself having a lot of troubles remembering female Chinese names. For some strange reasons, female Chinese names don’t seem to be able to stick inside my memory at all. They’re like, malicious worm programs that get filtered out by my innate antivirus system or something. This is especially frustrating for my wife Emily, as I keep forgetting her friends’ names, which can occasionally be quite embarrassing, but most of the time, just difficult for her to kibbitz about somebody to me (which she thought would be a waste of effort if I don’t really know who she was talking about…)

But then being a reasonable person that she is, she understands my problems, and she knows that being a bitch about it won’t help either. So we kinda developed this tacit solution for my problem over the years in our relationship. I, will try my best to remember her friends with Chinese names, and she on the other hand, will help me remember them. Take special note on the phrase – ‘remember her friends with Chinese names‘. It’s completely different from ‘remember her friends’ Chinese names‘. If you don’t get it, here’s a scenario to help you out:

Emily introduces me to her female ex-colleague, Xiao Huey, for the first time. I tell Emily that Xiao Huey looks like an oversized hamster and go on to forget her name the next minute. Fast forward 1 year later, Emily relates a story about Xiao Huey to me,

Emily: “Dear, do you remember my ex-colleague Xiao Huey?”

Me: “No I don’t.”

Emily: “The girl that you said looked like a giant hamster?”

Me: “Oh… her! Yes, what about her?”

Emily: [yakety yak]

The scenario above is a true event that actually occurred, though the name ‘Xiao Huey’ is fictional (because I don’t fucking remember her friend’s name)

But it is a beautiful workaround, isn’t it?
a) I get to retain my personality… and at the same time,
b) I also get to express what I feel about my wife’s friends without qualms,
c) my wife gets to do her gossip shit without any technical setback…

You see when a woman gets to do her gossip shit regularly, she’d get her ample dose of de-stressing and that in turn, translates to more bliss for the boyfriend/husband. It’s a win-win situation (well, more like ‘not to lose too much’ for the guy, actually…)

This is one of the many tricks that you can adopt to make a relationship a less stressful affair.

So, if you’re a forgetful (or eccentric, if that’s what you want to call me, I don’t really give a crap) person like I am, this can be a solution for you – remember their distinctive features instead of names, you know, like… the chick with a huge motherfucking nose, lopsided droopy eyes, reminds you of incredible hulk, etc. If the trick works for me, and there should not be any reason why it cannot work for you. All you need to do, is to convince your other half… (and thence, nobody should ever complain that you didn’t do no shit for the relationship…)

With the advent of high grade digital sensors, wireless technology and high speed internet connection, it is not surprising that more and more people in the 21st century are finding their privacy intruded upon. Just ask yourself, how many sex scandals have you read in the past 5 years? Shitloads of them.
- Famous people getting caught in video fucking the wrong people.
- Chicks having their cellphones stolen to have racy pictures/videos of themselves distributed all over the internet.
You name it.

These scandals, they all have one thing in common – they’re all very unpleasant. They pique unwanted attentions, they give bad publicity and they expose private practices that are just plain fucking embarrassing to the very core. These aren’t the things that are going to help you foster a good in-law relationship or being taken seriously in your workplace. If you’re someone famous, it could even mean the end of your career.

So it is only good if we can discipline ourselves to combat this kind of threat – by adhering to these core rules which I’ve painstakingly compiled with the aid of some professional help

Rule #1: Never make a video or take a picture of yourself having sex with any living creature.
This is common sense – if there’s no video nor picture of yourself taken, then there shouldn’t be anything to be used against you in the first place. Sure enough, sometimes you may want to remind yourself of a particularly gratifying evening you had with someone but trust me, it’s always not worth it. It won’t be that cool anymore if your significant half or your mom finds out about you giving a clam suck or a blowjob. If you want to fuck, fuck safely. Don’t be so stupid to go around creating evidence of your vice co-curricular activities. Just fuck and forget. If you want to remember, you can always call up that tramp/stud and ask for another round.

Rule #2: Secure the perimeter before you pork / getting porked.
You’ll never know if anyone has the malicious intent to sabotage your shit or even a decent intend to throw you a surprise birthday party. Whatever it is, it’s always wise for you to go around checking if there’s any discrepancy or anything odd going on. This is like, making sure you have a valid passport before going for an overseas trip. It’s a basic thing. Just drape up any exposed mirror, cover up any holes, close the curtains, switch off your cellphone and look under the bed. Do whatever you must to feel safe. Always remember, it is better to let people speculate or suspect than to get caught red handed. This is like, a little sacrifice for a much bigger cause and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Rule #3: Always do it with style.
Some things are inevitable and people get to film us anyway. So it is always good if we can consistently deliver the best possible result and maintain our self esteem at the same time. You should trim your pubes and powder your groin everyday. Look the best possible each time you’re planning to have an adventurous evening. Always give the best impression ever. When you plow your partner, do it like you’re attending an audition for a porn lead role. Give it some passion. Make your viewers feel the love, and make them remember you as a motherfucking awesome fucker. With this precaution in practice, in case your porn gets leaked out to the public, at least they get to see you in your best maneuver (to mitigate the embarrassment).

Rule #4: Always keep your shit together.
There are times when we’re careless and stupid, and got ourselves end up as the lead actor in a candid porn video. In situations like this, there is very little you can do other than to keep your shit together (especially if you’re famous). Never ever come out to apologize like it’s a wrong thing. The last thing people remember of you is you having a blast whacking tits / sucking dick without any apparent remorse. So, it’ll only make you look stupid. Never try to win sympathy by being suicidal or speaking out for the victims either. They never work. You’re in the middle of a sex scandal for fuck’s sake, not fighting a cause to save some endangered walruses. Just keep calm, shut the fuck up and hope that the storm will recede itself down over time. If you feel like it, you probably can give a badass comment or two to the press like “it looks and sounds like me, but it’s not 100% me.”

*****

That’s all I can think of right now. If you feel like contributing for the good of the society, by all means, be my guest.

Fuck safe, people.