*18SX warning – reader’s discretion advised. The entry below contain some obscene elements that might offend some stupid ass individuals. If you think you are a person who can get easily offended about sexually explicit discussion or topics alike, or you’re a minor a.k.a kids, kindly leave by pressing ALT+F4. If you don’t know how to do that, you can alternately shove your head into the nearest toilet bowl and flush repeatedly until you stop breathing.

Today my lunch members and I discussed about some girl in our company who goes by the name ‘Brenda’.

A little description about Brenda here – despite being somewhat of a midget (she’s like, 5ft or less?), Brenda has the features that most guys would consider ‘attractive’. With her classy high profile cheek and lustrous wavy hair, it is very easy to like her, especially when she smiles. But the most standout thing of all, is her bosom. *alright kids, it’s getting real explicit here, still not too late to leave yet. Press ALT+F4 to leave

Now what about her bosom? Capital L legendary. She has a nice set of 34/35D rack, that bounces and makes gravity such a beautiful force to appreciate. Her rack is like the point of origin for all benchmark of titties. And as if it’s not already awesome enough, she also have big nipples… such that they always embossed on her tight fitting clothes. Her bras aren’t doing her a lot of justice to conceal that monster from peeking out beneath and she often has to wear multiple layers of clothes to hide that up from the public (a cardigan, usually). But whenever she’s out for lunch, she will usually leave her jacket or cardigan on her desk (hot maa…) and bounces around like she’s trying to kill all blokes in broad daylight.

During our discussion, we kind of stabbed at the question on why Brenda always have her nipples embossed on her clothes. My take on that was – large breasts are naturally heavier than normal boobs, and therefore, couldn’t be supported by conventional bras (a normal bra would just give way and snap due to the extra mass – imagine a thin wire supporting a heavy piece of stone slab). So, girls with huge rack would naturally have to resort to those special bras. Special rubber singlet type of sports bra with extra support.

And we all know these special sport bras usually have thin pads. Why thin pads? Because of the already large tits, it would be ridiculous to cover it with thick pads as that would make it look even bigger. Hence, those special bras need to be thinly padded to retain the breasts’ original contour. Thin pads means, less shielding on the nipples area — point number 1.

Point number 2. As we all know, the size of any tit is usually directly proportional to the size of the nipple. Why? Because it needed to be this way so that it is able to accommodate the volume of milk discharged from the gigantic glands. It all makes sense… a large dam wouldn’t be designed with a small output pipe water supply to the public. The pressure would be too high and the pipe will burst. Same thing here – just imagine the dam as a big tit and the pipe as the nipple. From the size of her tits, I reckon that her nipples have to be as big as a 50 cents coin… and probably hard enough to dent a car body…

Now, add those 2 points together, and we got the explanation on why she has her nipples embossed on her clothes all the time. It was a somewhat absurd and technical at the same time, and we all had fun laughing at the facts like a bunch of intoxicated hyenas. Big tits can be funny sometimes.

*Kid’s if you’re still reading this, you’re in trouble because you’ve just learned something you’re not suppose to know until you grow up. I would suggest you to type “I will not learn something I’m not suppose to know” repeatedly for 200 times on a notepad, print it out, burn it and mix the ashes with 10 bowls of holy water. Then drink it to cleanse the filth from your mind.

I was listening to Mix.fm yesterday — the DJ’s were talking about some people who has this uncanny habit of being unsure if they’ve already locked their car. It was that kind of discussion where they allowed users to call-in to share their shitass opinions & ideas about it.

Cool – I thought. I face the same problem myself too. I occasionally would feel unsure whether I’ve switched off my car lights very frequently… and on most cases, I had to walk back to check on my car, which is no doubt a waste of time not to mention silly. Maybe there is something that I can learn from this radio programme after all – I thought.

The discussion then went further to other variance of symptoms — whether the house door is locked… or whether their fly is open (I made this up)… etc. It was then, a housewife called in to suggest a remedy. She suggested to shout out “FUCK” each time one locks a door or anything. Kidding. She actually suggested to shout “LOCKED”. According to her, the shouting would help one remember better… as the loud exclamation would surely burn a deeper impression in their memory.

Well, not bad for a housewife – she actually developed her own idea of remembering things and… she gets to shout at the same time (we all know they like to shout a lot). Her shouting solution then gave me an insight to come up with another better idea. A more efficient way of telling if you’ve really locked your anything. Here it is :

Ok, all you need to do, is to adopt the habit of giving yourself a bite on your hand… each time you lock your car or door. A bite that is hard enough to leave dental impression on your skin. When you’re unsure of anything, just look at your hands if there’s any bite mark… if yes, that means you’ve locked your ….car/door. Easy and effective. The bite mark would automatically disappear over time… and you get to repeat the whole thing as and when necessary.

If you don’t like biting yourself to remember stuff, well, you can bite your pet dog as an alternate option. But the downside is… you’ll need to bring along your dog everywhere you go… to be able to check on the bitemarks. I wouldn’t recommend that though… because it’s quite inconvenient to bring your pet everywhere you go, and also, the consideration that you might forget to bring your pet. And your pet dog might bite back and leave an even DEEPER impression on your skin instead.

Oh well… good luck trying.

I’m sure everyone knows about the election. Recount and recount… and they get different results every time. Just, what does that mean? It means that the current method of voting is not efficient. Period.

Since we’re now in the computer age, I wonder why SPR has not already consider changing the voting system into a full fledged electronics one. It is very simple… really, and we already have the technology to do it. Here is how they can make it happen:

The idea utilizes the use of MyKAD, our much touted smart identification card (it isn’t really ‘smart’ per se but, just able to keep a few hundred k’s of personal data in it). The voting will be held in a highly restricted compound, and the voter can access the compound electronically (can be controlled with an electronic turnstile or whatever) by using his/her MyKAD. Then have a few guards (or bouncers) to guard the place up, and probably hire a few more PRO’s (pretty girls? I don’t know…) to guide the voters around.

Since the idea is to go electronic, there will be no more traditional “X” marking on a ballot. Instead, the voter will get a computer slip form and get to shade the shading box under their favorite party with a marker and once that is done, just slot the damn slip into a machine. This is pretty much like how the Toto counter does for your betting ticket/form… you know. Everything will be counted electronically with that in place. (if you don’t know what’s a Toto… go find the nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it and flush)

The user will then have to wait for a confirmation from the machine before leaving the booth. If reject, machine will spit out the slip (for re-shade) coupled with a few preset vulgar scolding from a built-in speaker
eg: “Shade properly you moron!”, “Did your parents missed your brain when you were conceived??”, you get the idea. The system is flawless.

And if there were to be any vandalism activity (you know some people can be such an ass) in the voting booth, the bouncer on duty can storm in anytime to give the perpetrator a good whooping and had the guy arrested or whatever. It’s pretty much the same deal as how they handled those drunk bastards brawling inside pubs.

So, you see, there is no room left for discrepancies or hiccups. Contesting candidates would – without doubt – feel more confident about the results. And this will also eliminate those labor needed to count the heaps of stone age ballots.

Those banners on roadside shall also be made obsolete – replaced with billboard LED panels (like a very huge TV) on streets that shows animated party campaign. Speeches and ceramahs can be streamed through live webcasts… and for those without computers, can flock to a fully sponsored cybercafe (by the candidates) to watch the webcasts. Splendid… isn’t it? It’s cool, it’s space age, it’s environmentally friendly and it’s safe (look ma, no need to fucking recount no more)

Everything would be computerized and fail safe. Unless of course, the authorities happen to forget to update their virus definition and causes a nation-wide infection. But this is a small matter than can be overseen by some responsible personnel… the advantage clearly out-weights the cons here.

I wonder why isn’t there anyone doing this already… don’t we have any smart people in the country? I conceived this idea while I was taking a dump man…

This morning, when I was having my breakfast with a bunch of housewife colleagues, we brought up a topic about Lily (yes, the same lady who ‘belched‘ durian flavored gas) that once wore this really long, narrow and tight skirt to work. It’s kinda like what those traditional Japanese girls wore during ancient times. The hemline was so tight that one who wears it are required to take a small step at a time – else you will trip yourself over and land flat on your face.

I quoted Lily’s ridiculously tight skirt to ask the ladies on my table – how could she save herself if there happens to be a rabid dog chasing her from behind? The skirt is too long and tight, it will be impossible for her run. If she opts to escape from the impending danger, the method that would get her out in the shortest possible time would be for her to hop. Like she’s contending in a sack race. That will be the only way she won’t trip herself over. And we all know that hopping can only get you moderately fast (only if you’re a good hopper, that is). So how’s it going to be?

One of the ladies suggested that Lily could try to defend herself. She could use her high heeled shoe as a weapon. They are known to be lethal. The pointed side at the heel can be used like a pick axe and bore a hole at the canine’s skull. Not a bad suggestion but Lily would require a lot of dexterity for a maneuver like that. And what makes it harder, is that the dog’s probably off in the head and is unpredictable. A high heel shoe definitely wouldn’t act much like a repelling factor compared to the urge of sinking its teeth to Lily’s fat cellulite ridden ass. Besides, with that tight skirt, it’ll be harder for Lily to be able to balance herself well and at the same time, take her shoe off in time to arm herself. So, she’s still screwed.

Then, AnnElle (one of the ladies) suggested to intimidate the dog. Something like putting up her two hands and shout “HUAAARRGGH !”. Like a bear, maybe. And to make it look more realistic, she can add special effects by spraying some saliva deposits while doing the action. This might be effective to scare away those sissy mongrel dogs. But for a dog with mental problem, this could mean an invitation for some steamy intercourse (shit happens…) and the next thing we know, the topic will turn from surviving an attack into practicing bestiality with a cracked dog. So, again, she’s still screwed.

I then presented my brilliant idea – one that will be better than any of the suggestions they made. My reckoning for a perfect solution is to find a way to be able to run fast. The only way is to loose off her skirt (either by ripping it off or take it off on time) and run helter-skelter to the highest object she can find and climb – a tree, lamp-post or a Perodua Kembara. But this has to be done in a really swift manner – just like how we do when we’re sprinting the final 5 meters to our home toilet during emergency.

You see, by loosing that skirt, will have the free play of her legs to actually run again and off she goes. Also, loosing the skirt may even shock the dog into confusion by exposing her disproportioned lower half of her body to the dog. (*note: eheyeah… Lily is still a spinster at 40 over years old for some obvious reasons…) This will actually help to procrastinate the dog’s advances to buy her enough time to save herself from the impending trouble.

Well, she might get upset over losing that expensive skirt in the public and face some degree of embarassment, but hey, that’s still very much better than getting bitten in the ass by some crazy dog, right? Dogs are known to spread diseases like rabies. So, it is a choice between physical pain vs. public embarrassment.

So, to those who likes to wear long and tight skirts, just be very cautious. Emergency situations like this doesn’t come with a warning and the next thing you know, you may be facing the exact scenario above, and you know you’ve got a decision to make – and you have no time to waste.

I love horror movies. I have always been an avid fan of zombies, ghosts, mythical creatures and monsters (oh, except for my boss Rob. He’s just despicable). A good horror movie, will always make me think of them whenever I’m alone. It makes me feel… vulnerable, and the after effects would take a long time to heal. Some of the them good ones that I can think of right now are – “Evil Dead”, “The House”, “The Thing”, “From Beyond” and motherfuckest of all horror movie, “The Exorcist”. Of course there are many more good ones, but I can’t remember all of them. But these are amongst the most splendid of the lot.

But then, if you noticed, most of these flicks that I like are actually a little bit old. I have to admit, that despite the advent of computer graphics and improved special effects in modern films, contemporary horror flicks aren’t exciting enough to my liking anymore. I feel that they lacked of the substance. Modern horror flicks tend to focus more on having shitloads of impress-to-kill special effects than real creativity, making them all dull and boring. They have evolved into some kind of family oriented entertainment… all for the money.

Yep. Movie makers nowadays do things for money. And this diminishes their level of creativity. Just imagine, if they put too much gore or scary shit into their movies, they would suffer on the ratings. And if the ratings are not favorable to the general public, the sales will be significantly affected. You get the idea. So, why bother? Just make a film that suits every fucking sissies on the planet and make more money instead. Play safe. Now this, is detrimental to the work of art.

That’s why, I feel compelled to come up with this short list – the key ingredients in a good horror movie. This comes from my years of experience watching shitloads of horror movies (both good and bad) and I hope it will be of some use to someone and even perhaps, will help to revive this waning genre.

A good horror movie should …
1) …have a simple storyline, and revolves around the horror plot. I mean… fuck, if we wanted stories, we would have opted to read novels and story books. Nobody looks forward for a fairy tale in a horror flick. The storyline is not really important in a horror movie. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense to have 70 minutes worth of dialog and flashbacks in a flick, but only leave the remaining 10 – 15 minutes on the horror part. It just don’t work.

2) …not be too modest. Fuck the ratings. Give it some gore. Gore disgusts viewers and makes them sick. This is what they are looking for. This is what they want. People who opted to watch a horror flick will least expect you to spare them some decency and will not mind you for showing them some of the grosses shit your mind can imagine. Show them what you’re capable off. Don’t be a pussy. A good example : A headless undead with a chainsaw… grabs the family dog and mutilates it into minced meat. The youngest kid girl saw the whole thing and makes a panic dash to the nearest exit… but tripped on something and fell. The headless undead then catches up and chainsaws the kid’s limbs off before feasting on her intestines and liver… (I’m good).

3) … be realistic and logical. We horror movie fans are cool people and we do not expect to be treated and bluffed like dorks. Laws of physics and nature applies everywhere on Earth, horror movie scenes are of no exception. Some examples of mistakes: A sane person wouldn’t choose to go out in the dark empty handed to check out an evil moan from outside his house. Heroes can’t jump from a 2 story building and escape unharmed from platoon of blood-thirsty undeads. Zombies and poltergeists won’t take a break when a hero decides to screw a cute chick he happens to meet while bailing out from a haunted mansion. Things like that…

4) … have a good creature / villain design. This is the most important element. A hag with fangs and wig running around biting everyone within her proximity – is not scary. A hollow eyed Kate Moss lookalike with entrails hanging out from her open stomach and foaming black fecal-like goo from her mouth… who could also turn her head 360 degrees perpetually while singing the Sesame Street theme… IS SCARY. I would suggest that each time someone comes up with a new creature / ghost design, try to test it out on your annoying sister-in-law or your despicable neighbors to pilot it… see if it scares them blackout. If yes… then, that’s probably an acceptable design and there’s a higher chance that the viewers might like it.

5) … have a good cast of characters. The viewers would like their horror movie heroes to be someone that can really do their job well. You don’t hire Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet to star in a horror film. It will transform the horror movie into a blooper homevideo. Hire someone cool like Harrison Ford or The Rock. You get idea.

Ok. Like I said, it’s a short list. I can make a longer list if I wanted to … but it’ll be very detailed and technical, right down to the model of chainsaw to be used for the mutilation effects and whatnots – which I think will be too technical to make most filmmaker dullards understand.