Archive for the ‘enlightenments’ Category

June 29, 2019

michelin star

I wonder why people are so obsessed with Michelin Stars. Do you people even know how stupid the system is? It doesn’t make a restaurant special, having Michelin Star(s). I’ve personally been to a couple and trust me when I say, they’re bollocks.

If you think about it, it’s just a publication of food recommendation by a tire company. That’s like a carpenter giving you theology lesson (hey… wait a minute…). It started out way in the old times when internet was not ‘invented’ yet, so this tire company published a magazine recommending restaurants to encourage people to drive around. You see, even back then, they already had the incentive to be deceptive, because the primary motivation of the guide had not been about good food – but to encourage people to move around, so that they get good tire sales. See my point?

Now fast forward to today, why the hell do we need such guide based on a bunch of people from a tire company? You have the internet and the sea of information, where people can freely dispense their opinions and reviews about a restaurant (and all other kinds of business, for that matter) to give you this idea of how good it is. You get pictures, no holds barred write ups, and unfiltered information 24/7. If it’s bad, it’s going to get bad rating, aggregated across all the people who give a deign to put in a review. Isn’t that so much better than a seriously flawed walled-garden Michelin Star system? Why trust the selected few French fucks when you can trust everyone in this world you live in with? You get fucking google/facebook/tripadvisor/foursquare/etc honest stars… and it’s free. Isn’t that so much better? But you guys have to pick Michelin Star and make that selected few go smug about their meaningless achievement, and get the shit passed down to your stupid ass in the form of overpriced food and underfilled plate.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
April 1, 2019

Penang lingo

Say, you walk along a stretch of eateries in Penang, and you see this sign in front of a beverage stall.

It says “hot(s)”… which means hot drinks, small size. Alright, very straight forward. Then there’s of course, “hot(b)”… hot drinks, large. Ok.
There’s also “cold”, no size option though, just iced… hmmm… Then there’s this odd thing called “park” (see pic above). What the fuck is “park”? They charge your drinks with your parking fee??

Ahaa… adik-adik sekalian… that’s a Penang lingo. It literally means, ‘tied’ in Hokkien. Doesn’t mean shit in that context but it is understandable that when you buy something from a beverage stall, or any stall that sells drinks in Penang, “park” means ‘take-away’ here. You see, the way we ‘take-away’ our drinks in Penang (or Malaysia), is to tie a raffia string to the side of a plastic bag containing the drink, and you can guess why it is called “park”. No styrofoam or cardboard cup bullshit, just plain old plastic bag. Full phrase is called “park piya” (tied at the side, straw on the other side), or “park ka liao” (tied completely, straw packed separately). If it’s just “park”, the default should be tied to the side, straw sticking out.

I don’t have a picture of it here, but you can head over to this page, item #6 – https://www.theodysseyonline.com/10-fun-facts-malaysia

So why the hell is it more expensive then? Because of the volume, my friend. A “parked” drink has about 20 – 30% more content, inclusive of the ice of course… But this is of minuscule in scale if compared to say, a grande sized Starbucks coffee… which could buy you around 5 – 6 packs of “parked” (and more superior) iced coffee…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
October 22, 2018

stay in touch with reality you dumbfucks

You know in the old days, whenever we want some prudent advice about life decisions or something important, we go to our family elders – like a grandfather, or the uncle who seems successful et al. (At least I know I did that, but you get the point) But times have changed now. People go to Youtube, or randomly pick up shit from viral videos in social media to determine their purpose in life. Just the other day, I saw one such video featuring a young good looking bearded fella who looked like he was from a Ralph Laurent poster, giving sagely advice about turning one’s career around like it’s childplay.

First part of the video, he kinda did a simple math on how much time do we spend at work in our life, which I thought was going well because I’d been thinking about that too. Then came the wrong part which almost made me convulse violently. He actually asked everyone (who’s watching the video), “to quit your job if you’re unhappy with it”. The idea is, why spend time in life being unhappy with a job that sucks?? “Just go out and do something you love as your job and VOILA!”

I was thinking, oh my sweet summer child, how innocent you are still in this wretched world… (I get to say that because I’m middle aged liao). You see, there’s no such thing as being happy in your job. Not for people like you and me. The odds of finding a job that you love and stay happy in it? Is lower than the odds of you finding a lottery on the ground, and strike the grand prize. You see, even if you are FUCKING FORTUNATE ENOUGH to find a job that you love, you still need to leave it all to chance for you to not get an asshole boss, contemptuous co-workers/customers or a degrading pay grade that can’t sustain the life that you need – which would in turn make you HATE the thing that you love before the job. See where I’m going with this?

The truth is, a job is never meant for you to be happy. They’re different thing from say, a hobby or an interest. If your job = hobby, then the job takes over the hobby (and it’s no longer a hobby). Before time, you’ll start to hate it, believe me. You do not seek happiness with a job. A job’s suppose to be the thing you need to do to survive. This job, is supposed to replace whatever your cavemen ancestors had to do with spears hunting wild game running barefooted across treacherous terrains and competing with deadly carnivorous predators, to survive. It is not meant to be easy. The harder it is, the more credits you earn. How do we cope with this as a multi-celled organism? You adapt, you cibai. The key of making this whole job thing bearable, is to adapt to the hardship instead of whining like a bitch ass cunt. You learn from your mistakes, and upgrade your skills to be better at what you’re doing. Your ancestors would have made sharper spears, and added footwear to make the hunting bearable. They did not go to find a job that “they love” because that would have meant dying of starvation. Similarly, your quest for a nirvana in career (finding a job you love and stay happy with it), will be like chasing after a non-existent fake dream that people created out of sheer boredom to spice up their homemade video… which will waste your already precious time in life… if you so choose to believe in that crap.

If you young people still have that wee bit of common sense in you, you’d have figured this out by now, when I talk some sense into you. Adaptation does not require you to look for a dream job, and to compete with asshats who are much better qualified than you. All it takes is a little attitude change in whatever you’re already into and not being so gullibly fucking stupid like that. Who knows, just one day, maybe, you would master the skill of adaptation, and find the key to being happy in any fucking job.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, work shit  | Comments Off
September 23, 2018

essential travel packing list

I’ve been traveling enough to have a list of my essential items for travel – which I plan to share here.

Alright, I’m going to split this shit into 2 parts. ‘Must Have’ and ‘Nice to Have’.
Must Have – you’re definitely going to thank me for it. You should not travel without it.
Nice to Have – only some of you might thank me for it. You can still travel without it, but it’s not recommended.
Now, on to the list:
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | enlightenments, places  | Comments Off
October 8, 2017

Prince of Wales Island IV

I recently saw some half past six posts about learning Hokkien to be used in Penang (Penang Hokkien has been gaining popularity lately). Not only those vocabs are not really accurate, people here hardly use those kind of words in Penang at all. To those of you who think that by reading a couple of those posts would make you street smart in Penang, well, you’re dead fucking wrong.

The good news is, I’ve written some vocabs in this blog here and I started it way before when these shit were cool (the last one was 12 years ago). I’m gonna add the 4th version here (and possibly continue on the legacy here in the blog)

“soi yau”
direct translation – ‘nasty fella’. Actually a Cantonese term, but in Penang, this is a Hokkien slang.
actual meaning – cops or law enforcement office.
eg: “Hiong kan! Soi Yau! Siu lui! siu lui!”
[translation: “Fuck! Cops! Keep the money! Keep the money!”]

“beh khi”
direct translation – ‘cannot go’. Like an answer to a ‘go or no go?’ question.
actual meaning – something lame or fails to live up to average expectation, similar usage to sucks.
eg: “Old Town eh wantan mee beh khi eh.”
[translation: “The wantan noodles at Old Town sucks”]

“cho gau gau”
direct translation – ‘make smart smart’. The repetition of smart here denotes the excessive necessity to be smart in the context.
actual meaning – the verb to describe a motherfucker trying to be a smart about something that is beyond his/her knowledge/expertise.
eg: “KL eh lang cho gau gau lai Penang boh gia GPS, choi bo hotel”
[translation: “People from KL who are trying to be smart by navigating Penang without a GPS, and couldn’t find the hotel”]

“chak kiau”
direct translation – ‘shuffle the cards’ or ‘intercept the hand’ (in gambling). In gambling, when you have a streak of sheer dumb luck wins, the Chinese believe it is a taboo to double ‘shuffle the cards’ or have an additional player introduced into the table, because it will fuck up the winning guy’s mojo – which is often what the casinos would do when one wins too much in a table.
actual meaning – to interfere and fuck up your shit (applies to everything, not just gambling).
eg: “Limpeh eh project ok eh, liau chi kiok phoobor kia lai chak kiau, hiong kan ka liau”
[translation: “My project was all fine, until this motherfucker came to interfere and ruin everything up”.

“tua ki”
direct translation – ‘big rod’ (an allusion to big dick).
actual meaning – deep shit or big trouble. This is probably originated from the popular ‘do not pick up the soap in prison’ notion. The big dick inside you when you pick up the soap = big trouble.
eg: “Ah Seng tiok tuaki liao. Ee eh boh eh friend kua tiok ee chua laukeh ki hotel”
[translation: “Ah Seng is in deep shit. His wife’s friend saw him brought an old prostitute to a hotel”

“sok”
direct translation – ‘to wound tight with a rope/string/band’.
actual meaning – to arrest or to be caught.
eg: “Hor soi yau sok”
[translation: “Got arrested by a cop”]

“cho bo lan”
direct translation – ‘did no dick’.
actual meaning – did something that is redundant or yielded no results or a complete waste of time.
eg: “Ha kiok pukimak gia anneh cheh lang cho anneh cheh minkia, cho bo lan”
[translation: “That motherfucker took so many headcounts did so many things, yet he yielded no results”]

“kangtau”
direction translation – ‘rim of the hole’. Probably an allusion to the labia of the vagina, often regarded as a boon to any situation.
actual meaning – something good going on, could be an opportunity, an event, or a desirable situation. Has a very wide usage.
eg1: “Ki KL cho hamik? KL boh kangtau eh lah!”
[translation: “Why go to KL? KL is boring!”]
eg2: [answering a phonecall] “Hamik kangtau?”
[translation: “What’s going on buddy?”]
eg3: “Ee kah ee eh tauke oo kangtau eh…”
[translation: “She’s having an affair with her boss…”]
eg4: “Wa kimmeh boh ciak pui. Wa tua phortay oo kangtau”
[translation: “I won’t be back for dinner. I have an appointment in the city”]

“pang pua liap”
direct translation – [in soccer betting] to allow a 1/2 goal handicap over the opponent team’s score. A draw would result a lost bet, a win of 1 goal over the opponents yields a win.
actual meaning – (applicable to only females) to gain an advantage (ironically, rather than a handicap) over any situation by dressing provocatively-cleavage-revealing top.
eg: “Ee pang pua liap tua office, hamik pun ok liao”
[translation: “She just needs to show her cleavage, everything will be all right again”]

Links from the past entries:
Prince of Wales Island
Prince of Wales Island II
Prince of Wales Island III

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off