Know what happens when a couch slob sees another bloke with tanned chiseled body taking his shirt off? Or when a flat chested girl next door sees a sex siren with killer curves and bigger cups? Or an alpha sees another with a bigger dick? Most likely, the subject will feel a sharp stab in his/her/its self esteem, and a big part of the subject’s confidence is lost.

Such is the nature of human. Most of us anyway. We’re a bunch of conceited shitfucks whose existence has now evolved into a contest of who-has-a-bigger-dick (not literally but, metaphorically). When parents meet, they’ll talk about how smart their kids are. Or how well off one of his relatives is, who owns a sports car, and let him test drive it. ‘Who has a bigger dick’. Posers and show-offs.

Revolting but if one knows how to play it well, can be turned into an advantage which one can exploit for an ulterior motive. That was what I preached a couple of technicians at work today. I revealed to them about why I have not cut my fucking hair for 4 months. I basically looked like a hair ball right now. My hair is long and I even have a pair of mutton chop side burns overgrown to my jowl. Why? That’s because the 2 jerk off managers I have been dealing with are afflicted with terminal male pattern baldness. Growing that much hair is my way of fucking with them.

The theory is, when a person sees another (or worse, a nemesis) with something they are not gonna get, that person would feel FUCKING BAD about himself. Like these 2 bald managers. I mean, we could be debating in a meeting or something, but chances are, they’re probably distracted with the fact that I, an asshole from their point of view, have a head full of motherfucking hair and that is just so depressing for them. With that, I would have unconsciously took a stab at their self esteem (without even having to do anything, but rake my long thick black hair in a wildly hobo-ish gesture) and would be that likely to win an argument. So far, it has worked great for me. I made them my bitches in all my inter-department altercations so far. 70% intelligence, 30% hair. 100% effectiveness.

Goddamn I’m awesome.

Credit card salespeople. I know you have one of the most degradingly sadistic job in existence in the fast moving society of the 21st century. I know you’re just a couple blowjobs short of being a FOC whore. I know you have to lurk in alleys at night, if not toil under the sun, contend with people’s behavior (and their B.O.) and sometimes, get mugged back in return. Totally hazardous job, I know. I feel sorry for you, yes.

But that’s the price you pay for wanting to earn money too quick, without the need to think, plot and scheme, and not wanting to make full use of the tertiary education your parents paid for. And because I know you’re like that, I also totally understand that you’re a person completely void of being capable being self conscious, and properly synchronize with the social decorum – because of your direct pact with the Devil of helping him peddle 100 credit card accounts (or whatever the number is) by the end of that fiscal month. Your motivation is money and you’ve become a pest now.

I generally don’t give a fuck about people like you. I can just wave you off and you’d move on to another potential host like a parasite. But as of recent, people of your ilk started to get overboard and started to block my path when I’m walking. Now THAT, is fucked up. It’s a cardinal sin that you people should never do. Be as annoying as you want, but NEVER block a person’s path. If your bullshitting is good enough, a person would choose to stop and listen. But when you block a person’s path to stop him/her from walking so that you could ejaculate your marketing bullshits, that’s no difference than forcing people to suck your dick. “Hey you, why don’t you suck my dick? I’d like it.”. It’s all about having respect and this is mutual.

So, always remember, NEVER block a person’s path. Do your thing at the side. Your job is already abominable enough as it is, don’t make it worse by being an asshole.

‘Hook up’. Many people don’t seem to know this phrase really well. Apart from carrying the meaning of having a literal one time off steamy sex, this phrase actually carries something that is profoundly deep in meaning. Something that boldly defines the level of bond between any 2 individuals, especially in this modernized world where putting one’s life in danger for a friend is no longer a pragmatic approach. But able to ‘hook your friend up’ is.

So what the fuck is actually a ‘hook up’? Simple – to lookout for a job opportunity. I don’t know if any of you uses the phrase ‘hook up’ for this but, this is what I use for my friends. I ‘hook them up’. It works like this, I help to keep an eye for something my friend is looking for, and go the extra mile effort of WANTING to help him/her get it. Or if it is just some position which I think swells, I’d hook him/her up too. I don’t need to lose a body part or sacrifice anything, just forward a resume to the hiring asshole. And this is even easier with the advent of wireless communication devices. It’s almost effortless. Just a click of a button.

Why the need for a hook up? one might ask… It’s because of how things work (or rather, doesn’t work) in this world. Because by the time you see something suitable in the ad or job search engine, thousands of contenders would have gotten word of that position and everyone gets that proportionately less chance of winning it. A ‘hook up’ saves you the time of having to bet on your luck to millimeter through the stack of applications other assholes vie for. You go beeline to the hiring manager, through a ‘hook up’. That’s how awesome it is. There are in fact, many big corporations that are exploiting this ‘hook up’ idea. That’s because they can save a fuck lot from having to pay for advertisements. They’d just ask the existing employees to ‘hook their buddies up’ and achieve the same objective!

Over the years, I’ve attempted and successfully hooked many people up. And I’ve been hooked up by others in all my 3 jobs too. A cousin to his company (my first job), a friend to Company X (he was an employee there) and recently, someone I hardly even knew hooked me up to work in Company Y. It has become a way of life for me, and also I believe, for many.

But sadly, there are still some fucked up cynical people who still live under a rock that they foolishly believe everything revolves around. I’ve came across a couple of guys whom back then I thought were my friends, who told me to ‘check out the ads in the newspaper’ when I asked if they could hook me up for anything. Like, I don’t know how to read meh you fucking cibai?? They just don’t know what a fucking ‘hook up’ means. Sad sad motherfucking bunch of retards, these people.

So, be learned. Know what a ‘hook up’ is. Don’t fucking ask your ‘friend’ to ‘check out the ads’ when a hook up is requested. It’s insulting. Just do it or don’t.

10 reasons why I think having a dog as pet is a bad idea.

1) Internal hygiene.
It is an unmistakable fact that a dog is a filthy animal. They eat their own shit, drool all the time and lick their own genitals. You wouldn’t know what kind of stuff they’re going to pick up from licking around, and use the same tongue/mouth to lick your face and your kid’s face. That’s just too fucked up for me.

2) External hygiene.
A dog is an animal. An animal is not civilized. Therefore, it is generally common for them to piss and shit anywhere they deem fit. That means, the place we call home, could very well be the toilet for our little four legged friend here. I can’t tolerate seeing shit and piss lying around the house. Sure enough, one may claim that dogs can be potty trained, but that claim is as dependable as claiming switching off the lights can save the Earth from exploding.

3) Odor.
Because dogs have hygiene problems, it is only logical that they have to stink. No matter how frequent you bathe a dog, it has that acrid odor. That wet rug odor that makes me just want to keel over. It’s mind boggling how some people would bitch so much about someone else having a B.O., but none of them would complain about having a fucking dog that stinks at home. To me, a dog’s worst than a Bangla.

4) Noise.
A dog’s bark is the second most annoying sound in the world, and a dog likes to fucking bark. I’d hate to imagine having to come home after a late night out with my friends, to come home to my pet canine – whom I feed everyday – barking excitedly, waking everyone up and pissing my neighbors off.

5) Bad fengshui.
In almost all cultures known to me, a dog is often associated with shady and negative characters (lap dog, stinking dog, dog eat dog, etc). If we Chinese believe in taboos such as having numbers that rhyme with wealth and luck would bring good returns, why the fuck would they rear an animal with such reputation?? Isn’t that contradictory?

6) Cruelty
A dog, no matter how domesticated it is, when confined to a home with limited space without freedom, is a sad animal. It’s like sitting in a prison, waiting to be fed and go for a pointless walk everyday. Just compare a wolf and a dog. A dog is the gay of a gay version of a wolf. How did you people change a cool animal such as a wolf into something like a poodle? That’s just cruel.

7) Responsibility
If your dog hurts or kills another person, you’re liable for prosecution. That’s like adding a free agent of absolute violence to your responsibility and putting a trust on an animal with no absolute purpose (not love, please. Spare that for your children/parents). That’s just fucking dumb.

8) Havoc
Dogs think they’re cute, thanks to you neurotic people who makes them think so. As a result of that, they often go around to wreak havoc doing stuff to please people. Chasing motor vehicles endangering lives, knock over little children with least regards, breaking stuff around the house, etc.

9) Stupidity
I always have the reservation when people say dogs are intelligent – they’re not. If they’re intelligent, they’d be doing our tax now. But what do they do? Maul newspapers, bark without reasons, etc. The most awesome thing that they can do is having a good sense of smell. But that’s not intelligent. That’s just being what they’re good at. (it’s like saying a chicken is intelligent because it can incubate an egg). Having a stupid animal at home is like inviting accidents to happen.

10) Libido
When a dog gets aroused or in heat (which happens like, 4000 – 5000 times a year), it will either try to run away or attract some runaway dogs (or worse, diseased stray dogs). Either case can’t be good for the owner for reasons too obvious to mention.

My daughter wanted to keep a dog, I had to say no.

It’s not that I hate dogs, but I hate to have one around the house as a pet.

Company Y recently announced that it’s gonna increase some of its benefits for all employees, in conjunction of the holidays etc. Then I overheard one of the guys in the office say – “Yeah, this is going to make some people think twice about leaving Company Y”. He was sort of like, commending on the effort of the management to curb the high turnover rate in Company Y…

That was when I told him – fool, it’s never about the money.

How could anyone be so damn naive to think that it’s about the money? It’s almost never about the money when an employee chooses to leave. It’s always about something else, almost never money. It is insulting to think that this is just a money problem. Pffffft. If it’s all about the money for a person, then that person is not worth to be retained in the first place… because money’s never enough. Grass’ always greener on the other side, ever heard of that? Attrition in an organization, my friends, is caused by many factors. And you can best bet your ass that money isn’t even in the top 5 causes.

Want to know what’s the top cause of people wanting to leave a company? The supervisor. That’s another way of saying – your boss. Your goddamn boss is the cause of everything. I don’t need a PhD to tell you that. I know it because almost, almost everyone that wanted to leave the workplace that I knew, never bitched anything about the money (and I’ve spoken to like, A LOTTT, of people). But I did, though, hear them bitch about how shitty it was for them to work under their superior/boss. From being a nutcase to being a slob, bosses have the direct influence over how an employee feels about being appreciated, motivated and wanting to fucking work there. It’s never about the fucking money. Grow the fuck up.

But I acknowledge the fact that, it’s not easy to be a boss. It’s fucking hard. It’s harder than pleasing your in-laws with a dick through a proxy reproductive system in the form of their beloved daughter. But realize one fact though, they’re paid high to do that ultra difficult job. If they’re not good at it, who the fuck else will? And why do we even bother to pay them that much? They might as well go fuck themselves. So, it’s never about the money. It’s about JOB SATISFACTION. And in the world according to me, job satisfaction equals to how much of an asshole the boss is. It’s never about the money. Never.