Archive for the ‘enlightenments’ Category

October 8, 2017

Prince of Wales Island IV

I recently saw some half past six posts about learning Hokkien to be used in Penang (Penang Hokkien has been gaining popularity lately). Not only those vocabs are not really accurate, people here hardly ever used those in Penang at all. To those of you who thinks that by reading a couple of those posts would make you street smart in Penang, well, you’re dead fucking wrong.

The good news is, I’ve written some vocabs in this blog here and I started it way before when these shit were cool (the last one was 12 years ago). I’m gonna add the 4th version here (and possibly continue on the legacy here in the blog)

“soi yau”
direct translation – ‘nasty fella’. Actually a Cantonese term, but in Penang, this is a Hokkien slang.
actual meaning – cops or law enforcement office.
eg: “Hiong kan! Soi Yau! Siu lui! siu lui!”
[translation: “Fuck! Cops! Keep the money! Keep the money!”]

“beh khi”
direct translation – ‘cannot go’. Like an answer to a ‘go or no go?’ question.
actual meaning – something lame or fails to live up to average expectation, similar usage to sucks.
eg: “Old Town eh wantan mee beh khi eh.”
[translation: “The wantan noodles at Old Town sucks”]

“cho gau gau”
direct translation – ‘make smart smart’. The repetition of smart here denotes the excessive necessity to be smart in the context.
actual meaning – the verb to describe a motherfucker trying to be a smart about something he/she that is beyond his/her knowledge/expertise.
eg: “KL eh lang cho gau gau lai Penang boh gia GPS, choi bo hotel”
[translation: “People from KL who are trying to be smart by navigating Penang without a GPS, and couldn’t find the hotel”]

“chak kiau”
direct translation – ‘shuffle the cards’ or ‘intercept the hand’ (in gambling). In gambling, when you have a streak of sheer dumb luck wins, the Chinese believe it is a taboo to double ‘shuffle the cards’ or have an additional player introduced into the table, because it will fuck up the winning guy’s mojo – which is often what the casinos would do when one wins too much in a table.
actual meaning – to interfere and fuck up your shit (applies to everything, not just gambling).
eg: “Limpeh eh project ok eh, liau chi kiok phoobor kia lai chak kiau, hiong kan ka liau”
[translation: “My project was all fine, until this motherfucker came to interfere and ruin everything up”.

“tua ki”
direct translation – ‘big rod’ (an allusion to big dick).
actual meaning – deep shit or big trouble. This is probably originated from the popular ‘do not pick up the soap in prison’ notion. The big dick inside you when you pick up the soap = big trouble.
eg: “Ah Seng tiok tuaki liao. Ee eh boh eh friend kua tiok ee chua laukeh ki hotel”
[translation: “Ah Seng is in deep shit. His wife’s friend saw him brought an old prostitute to a hotel”

“sok”
direct translation – ‘to wound tight with a rope/string/band’.
actual meaning – to arrest or to be caught.
eg: “Hor soi yau sok”
[translation: “Got arrested by a cop”]

“cho bo lan”
direct translation – ‘did no dick’.
actual meaning – did something that is redundant or yielded no results or a complete waste of time.
eg: “Ha kiok pukimak gia anneh cheh lang cho anneh cheh minkia, cho bo lan”
[translation: “That motherfucker took so many headcounts did so many things, yet he yielded no results”]

“kangtau”
direction translation – ‘rim of the hole’. Probably an allusion to the labia of the vagina, often regarded as a boon to any situation.
actual meaning – something good going on, could be an opportunity, an event, or a desirable situation. Has a very wide usage.
eg1: “Ki KL cho hamik? KL boh kangtau eh lah!”
[translation: “Why go to KL? KL is boring!”]
eg2: [answering a phonecall] “Hamik kangtau?”
[translation: “What’s going on buddy?”]
eg3: “Ee kah ee eh tauke oo kangtau eh…”
[translation: “She’s having an affair with her boss…”]
eg4: “Wa kimmeh boh ciak pui. Wa tua phortay oo kangtau”
[translation: “I won’t be back for dinner. I have an appointment in the city”]

“pang pua liap”
direct translation – [in soccer betting] to allow a 1/2 goal handicap over the opponent team’s score. A draw would result a lost bet, a win of 1 goal over the opponents yields a win.
actual meaning – (applicable to only females) to gain an advantage (ironically, rather than a handicap) over any situation by dressing provocatively-cleavage-revealing top.
eg: “Ee pang pua liap tua office, hamik pun ok liao”
[translation: “She just needs to show her cleavage, everything will be all right again”]

Links from the past entries:
Prince of Wales Island
Prince of Wales Island II
Prince of Wales Island III

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
April 3, 2017

safety first

What do you do when you see smoke billowing out of an appliance when you switch it on? You kill the power.

What do you do when you smell something burning after switching on your PC? You kill the fucking power.

What do you do when you see sparks out of a power supply when you switch it on? You fucking kill the power.

What do you do when you see a colleague getting electrocuted when he/she is switching on something that uses electricity? Well, unless you fucking hate him/her, you kill the power.

How do you kill the power? If you have to ask that, you ought to be constipated for the rest of your life. You either press the reset button of a circuit breaker, or if it is in safe proximity, you yank out the fucking plug.

But sadly, many people do not seem to know this simple but important safety maneuver. Even those who have an electrical engineering degree.

Case in point would be Hafiz, the new engineer who was tasked to rig a high powered power supply in my lab. The chore was simple, it wasn’t harder than copying his classmate’s homework in engineering class because I gave him a working example to follow/copy exact. But apparently, it wasn’t that simple for Hafiz, for the job was too big for his mental capacity I reckon. For some unfathomable reasons, he hooked the terminals wrong and as a result of that, one of the zener diodes started to spark and repeatedly pop. Smoke was billowing out of that thing and there was a strong burnt smell emanating out of it. Well, what did Hafiz do? One would have expected him to at least react by screaming like a girl and bail the place (if not kill the power).

But no, Hafiz peered into the power supply’s vents like he’s looking for an infectious hemorrhoid. One of the projectiles then flew out and blinded him in the process. He jolted back from the intense pain, tripped over the lab stool, and knocked his head on one of the racks storing heavy testers. One of the testers (weighted about 20kg) then fell on him, crushed his collarbone and jawbone in the process (He now pronounces ‘shit’ as ‘ffffikk’ without a lower jaw). There was blood everywhere dirtying up the lab and we even lost the expensive power supply in the process.

Alright… that was graphic enough. If you can’t tell, I made that all up. Hafiz didn’t get hurt. But he did peer into the vent like an idiot (while the PSU was popping like mad) and warranted a yell from a fellow senior to fucking kill the power already. The only thing that got hurt was probably his self esteem (that’s based on the assumption that he is actually a sentient lifeform, which I suspect not…).

But think of the scenario that I made up. It could have been a real thing. I’ve seen popping components sending projectiles as far as half a feet of from ground zero. Hafiz could have gotten hurt in the process. That’s why people are required to wear safety glasses in the lab/factory. I wonder what possible outcome he had hoped for by peering into an exploding PSU vent hole? Escapes me.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, work shit  | Comments Off
January 27, 2016

what have you signed up for…

One of my colleagues is going to be a father soon, for the first time. Naturally, as a seasoned parent, I obliged myself to offer him some pragmatic advice in our daily coffee break chats in hope that he doesn’t get frantic when the baby comes. In my younger days, I’d have appreciated if some jerk offs told me these non-sugar-coated grim realities so, I thought… why the hell not I be the jerk off to offer these advice to the society instead? Maybe this could help to reduce the future traffic jams or even world congestion… in some ways. So, aspiring parents, thank me in your thoughts and read this already:

Lack of sleep
You should totally expect of this. Babies have really messed up biological clock, they wake up at odd hours in the middle of the night for all kinds of reasons – inclement room temperature, hunger, shit in diaper, hell they’d wake when they hear clocks tick. You will not have the luxury of a good night’s sleep, especially during the first month when your wife is still recovering from the stitches. You’ll be the runner and problem solver, 24/7. You can say goodbye to your usual sleeping schedule.
How to prepare for this: To get yourself ready for this, you can start flexing your biological clock by halving your daily sleep hours. Example, if you’re currently having an 8 hour sleep, try to do 4 hours now. Let your body adjust to this.

Stress
When the baby wakes up screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night, you’d be under tremendous pressure to find out what’s wrong and do something about it lest the baby wakes the whole house. The problem with this is, the baby is not capable to communicate to you what it wants except by crying, so you’ll have to find out yourself by guessing in that groggy state of mind. I tell you, it’s not an easy thing to do. Most people is incapable to even hold a proper conversation in that state, let alone to troubleshoot a baby’s need.
How to prepare for this: Get your wife to scream at you for a random problem in the middle of the night, then have you go through a series of trial-and-error exercise to get to the problem. With ample practice, you should be able to work your differentiation diagnosis pretty quickly.

Accidents with harmless objects
Feeding a baby when you’re crudely awaken from a deep sleep requires a strong psyche, for you will be required to possess the composure to carefully navigate that little bawling turd’s mouth to the lactating teat of your wife’s. It’s easy when you’re all sober and that, but not when you’re groggy. It is like trying to dock a space craft in zero gravity under the influence of alcohol to the international space station – IN THE DARK. Harmless objects like bed stands or wardrobe could spell disaster to unprotected limbs/toes/head. It could be worse if you’re going for bottle feeding and have to deal with hot water. It’s very hard to mix the right amount of formula with the right water temperature when you’re groggy. Accidental scalding is a common injury for noob fathers (like me).
How to prepare for this: You know those wire loop game which you run a metal loop through a roller coaster like wire track? Those that would electrocute the person holding the metal loop if it touches the wire track? Have your – again – wife, to wake you up at random sleeping hours to play this game to hone your dexterity and improve your motor memory. Alternately, you can practice this while intoxicated, it’ll have the same effect.

Biohazard exposure
Babies are filthy people. They puke, poo, pee and fart in their bed – and they don’t feel shame of it at all. You’ll have to deal with the baby’s bodily waste and there’s a high chance that these toxic wastes will come in contact with your bare skin during your interaction. If you have a really weak heart for creamy stink-to-high-heaven baby excrement or stale puke that smells like rotten milk, then you’re in for a tough ride. Changing a diaper and cleaning up puke from the bed were the most traumatic experience ever for me. It’s really a mystery how a little person can produce such a nasty smelling retch inducing wastes with just goddamn milk. This will be the time that the expression “I didn’t sign up for this!!” get tossed in your mind a lot and really messes you up psychologically.
How to prepare for this: A couple of ways to do this – short term, you can MacGyver a piece of respiratory face mask, and add some medicated oil (minyak angin) near where you breathe. Caution: dire consequences if minyak angin comes in contact with baby’s puckering asshole. Long term – get friendly with the local garbagemen when they come by with a garbage truck. Chat with them next to the truck, soak yourself in with the nasty smell and stretch your olfactory organ a bit. Get used to nasty smells, you’ll be alright.

Social problems
You only have a finite amount of time given per day. When you have a baby, most of the time will be given to that baby, and you’re not going to get additional compensated hours back for that. Ergo, you can say goodbye to socializing with friends, hobbies (won’t be able to concentrate anyway), night life and colleagues. It’s like a permanent solar eclipse that blocks out everything that use to be touched by the sun. You’ll be out of touch and start to adopt quirky behaviors like, inclination to spot brown stuff lying around the house, or whiffing around for troubles. You’ll be sensitive to the sight of strangers, and you’ll be constantly looking for discounts in pharmacies (don’t ask me why). Staying at home is now the new joy, going out becomes the peril. There’s no recovery, your life will be permanently changed.
How to prepare for this: Fuck man, this can’t be helped.


I think I should stop…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
January 19, 2016

fire risk at petrol station

I have this habit of recording my fuel consumption whenever I start a new tank of gas/petrol with my car. Usually, I’d just whip out my cellphone at the pump to record the stats right there and then with an Evernote app and then I’d put my phone away. But today, my actions drew some uncanny reactions from a couple of old farts in a white MyVi at the pump behind my car.

The driver, who looked like some old hunchback dentist, was glowering at me like I was the perpetrator who stole his wife’s XXXL underwear or something. I wasn’t sure initially if he was actually targeting me but my suspicion was later confirmed when his fellow old fart passenger – who looked like an old pedophile priest – pointed at me and was mumbling something to that hunchback dentist in the car *inaudible dialog*. I immediately became uncomfortable of course at the bordering rude theatrics, and gestured back to the 2 gents with some hand signals while lip syncing –> ‘What the the fuck are you looking at??’ (I’m not fond of old people, so I didn’t hold back from expressing my thoughts)

Pedophile priest then lifted up his antique cellphone (with buttons) and pointed at it – to indicate that he’s/they’re not happy with me swiping my cell phone at the pump (this must be the root of the age old urban legend belief that cellphones may cause fire at gas/petrol pumps). You can imagine that this is the same scenario that happened in Mos Eisley cantina in Star Wars episode IV, when Ponda Baba told Luke Skywalker in his unintelligible alien language at the bar that he doesn’t like him there, resulting his arm being hacked off with a lightsaber in an unfortunate turn of events that followed. My reaction? Unlike Luke, I gave them zero fucks. Of course, if given the permission to act freely without any consequence, I’d have opted to walk over to the MyVi and break off its side mirror in lieu of an arm as a trophy… Anyway, that’s not how the society works so, I went ahead with my business amidst the consternation of the 2 senior citizens with slightly elevated blood pressure.

Now back to the question – can a cellphone actually cause a fire at a gas/petrol station? Let’s fucking do this in an FAQ form for convenience’s sake.

So, can a cellphone cause fire at a gas station?
Fuck yes of course. Only if you short the battery contacts or do basically something stupid with your phone to cause a spark – like stabbing the battery pack with a metal knife (like this).

What if you use your phone normally?
Nuh uh. Not going to happen. You’re more likely to get a fire with a running engine than a fucking cellphone (my hypothesis – running rubber belt is like a Van der Graaf machine, spark plugs firing, car full of operating electronics/electrical doohickeys).

Well then, why do people keep saying cellphones cause fire at pumps?
Because they’re ill informed morons who also believe Microsoft is paying $1 to an orphanage everytime you share a post in your Facebook. You see, it takes a spark to ignite the gas/petrol fume to be able to start a fire. A phone is simply too lame to do that. You know what’s the major cause of fires? Static electricity.

What is static electricity?
Fucking google it you cheebye.

How does static electricity causes a fire?
When the static electricity discharges to a ground point or lower potential point through the air barrier, a spark is created (same principle that causes lightning) and MIGHT ignite the fume to start a fire. Your phone doesn’t do jackshit to make you gain charge.

How’d this normally happen?
When you move around, you pick up static electricity. When you’re charged and happens to touch a ground point near the refueling nozzle, there’s a chance that it might cause a spark, and therefore, might ignite the fume. That’s why gas/petrol stations are required to follow strict protocols to ground their pumps and shit.

How can I avoid this?
If you must ask, stay the fuck away from gas/petrol stations. If you must go anyway, just keep your bare hands in constant contact of your car body or the metal part of the pump console, BEFORE you fucking pump the gas/petrol. Stay at least a couple of feet away from the fueling point – away from the fume (besides being combustible, it is also carcinogenic – causes cancer), while maintaining constant contact with the car body/pump console. Refrain from walking around.

Do you have proof for this?
I don’t. But there are shitloads of research done and all you need to do is do some reading. Also, this is a busted myth by the Mythbusters – check the short video out here.

To the 2 old men glowering at me today, you know they’re saying that cellphones are bad for the brain, because it literally microwaves your head and causes brain damage. I wonder why you guys didn’t choose to believe in that as well?. Is it because you’re being a selective moron? That must be what you are.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, experiences  | Comments Off
February 6, 2015

hawkers

It is a known fact that Penang bears this reputation as a ‘food paradise’, known for its vast variety of unique food options sold at economic price. That’s why we have so many people from all over the country (and foreigners as well) hunting for food here. Over the years, these stall business owners (or commonly known as ‘hawkers’) prospered in Penang, especially with the advent of social networking sites like Facebook which give them free publicity over the click of a button. These hawkers, spoiled by the windfall and all the fame/attention, started to get cocky, and that’s what I wanna talk about today.

You see, when we wage earners work, we are all fucking bound by this tacit code of conduct – to be professional in your line of work. Doesn’t matter what you are. Chances are, if you have a sloppy attitude, you’re more likely to get reprimanded by your boss and lose that much out in your bid to survive. In modern times like this, where everything in the market is so goddamn saturated, having a good / professional attitude goes a long way in any line of career. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a cruel world, only the bests win.

But not these fucked up hawkers, because of you people. You see, shit used to be good here. But not anymore. You know why? Because they’re not bound by these rules of survival anymore because of all the unfair attention. Hell, they’d get business all around the year anyway, why should they be courteous to every customer they see? I’ve encountered shitloads of such hawkers in Penang. Rude and cocky to the very bone. One of the most popular treatment they give, is to ignore the patron when an order is made. Then the patron will have to repeat again and again to ensure the order gets acknowledged (which literally looks like one is begging for food from that hawker), and more often than not, the patron ends up getting yelled at for being such an annoyance for repeating too many times. One of the many things they’d do, I’m sure there are worse.

Ask yourself, why would you patronize such an outlet/hawker stall? My plead to you guys is, please, walk away if you see such a hawker. There is no food good enough in this world that makes it worth to get a shitty treatment like this. Have some self esteem, don’t stoop to their level and feed their ass off this bullshit. Remember that. For me, when I encounter such a shitbag hawker, I’ll just tell them to “Forget it, I’ll fucking go to another stall”, and I’ll write something nasty about it in Foursquare. When enough of you people do something like this, I’m sure it’ll make a difference, and these cocky, rude, son of a bitch hawkers will learn the lesson of humility and shit will literally get better. Give the business to those who deserve it (there are some great hawkers out there with less famous but better food/treatment – you just have to look). And this – of course – applies not only to Penang. Can be any-fucking-where.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off