My workplace encountered a power failure today. Total blackout. Most of the lights were out except some of the emergency lights… and of course, the air conditioning too. So it’s kinda musty and hot in the office.

I just came back from my lunch when it happened. But luckily, the network’s still up & running (as they’re hooked to some power generator or something). So most of us still able to access the network through our portable PC’s. I fired up my email program and saw a memo from our management (details modified to protect the confidentiality).

—–
To : all employees

business units
All employees located in the workplace.
—–

That’s hell u’va memo, isn’t it ? I laughed so hard that I almost shat my pants. Hell.

I do not know how would that memo help us in any way other than wasting the network bandwidth. Like, it’s already so fucking dark in the office… and the air conditioning wasn’t working. Any birdbrain would have been able to wild guess that it’s a fucking blackout. Now why would they be reminding us employees that it’s supposed to be a blackout ? It’s a wonder how bureaucracies drive people to do ridiculous things, isn’t it ?

Some 35 minutes later, while I’m still sitting in the DARK and MUSTY office, I received another memo…

—–
Update:
Power has not been restored yet. Facilities is still investigating.
—–

Oooh, as if I couldn’t tell… what the fuck bebeh. They sent the exact same memo half an hour later, reminding us employees about the shit situation we’re in … so as we’re not clueless of what’s happening.

Then about a while later, … the office lights began to flash back to normal. The air conditioning hums it’s usual washing machine dry spin tone (that’s a bigass air conditioning unit, ok ?). Then almost as predictable, I beamed at my email program… expecting something from the management. Sure enough, 15 minutes after the power was restored, the final memo came :

—–
Power has been restored at 2:10pm. Facilities consultant indicates that the power lost was caused by power switch gear tripped.
—–

Enlightening indeeed. Had they not send out those memos, I probably wouldn’t have known if a power failure had occurred… GODDAMN !

Received a very weird email a while ago, intended to post it up but somehow forgotten all about it until I cleaned my inbox yesterday. Here it is :

—–Original Message—–
From: shidharrth devkar [mailto:supernaturalproject@yahoo.co.in]
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 11:23 PM
To: michaelooi.net[at]gmail.com
Subject: a documentry on bhangarh.

Namaste

This is shiddharth from bharat(india)i just happen to get to know you from a web site.
I am currently working on a documentry on one of the most haunted place in india.
A place where no one dares to go and the one who has dared has never come back again.this has taken me years to get to the internal details.it has got enough super natural reality to make this a reality horror documentry.

Now the reasion for this mail is…
i am looking out for a producer who has got the gut to produce this documentry,if you are like me, crazy and belive in showing things no one has ever seen before.

No matter what difficuilties come on the way.
lets make the diffrence and show the diffrence.
shiddharth.d
contact no:(code india)0091 9869770510
0091 9867464246
0091 9892960816
email:shreekaryam@yahoo.co.uk
This documentry is not only for india but is for the entire world to know what still remains…… a secret.
thank you and dhanyawad.
shiddharth.d
———-

Man, he’s still using a yahoo mail. That’s horrifying enough.

No shit, this has got to be the kookiest thing I’ve ever seen in my inbox - save for the few Japanese porn clips featuring some dude having a diarrhea inside a saran wrap that almost made me barf.

So, this guy is asking me if I wanted to co-produce some reality horror documentary at some place in India. I wonder what makes him think I’m the most suitable person to be his partner… my uncanny abhorrence towards his kind ?

I don’t know, if you were to ask me produce a horror documentary, it’ll pretty much involve a few vital elements …
1) violence
2) gore
3) sex

Maybe my idea is leaning more towards a movie rather than a documentary, but hell… who the fuck cares. The key thing is to freak the viewer out … and entertain them at the same time…

Eg: A group of teenagers went camping at some secluded spot in a nearby forest, having sex and getting drunk. (there’ll be plenty of tits and beaver stroking scenes here). Then one of the girls heard something weird outside their camp… something like “Huarrgghhh ! Snort Snort”. Feeling curious & unsuspecting of anything, she went outside to investigate, totally naked.

That was when a zombie with a rotten dick leapt out from the bushes and bit one of her tits off. Blood was pouring all over the place and the girl screamed for help. And as she was frantically trying to crawl away, the zombie ran to her and gave her the most badass elbow drive on her spine… breaking it into 2.

The rest of the campers came out to check what’s happening and the zombie blew a whistle to summon his army of zombie friends to charge forth at the bunch of succulent naked humans [a scene of grisly feast of human parts ensued]. That’s pretty much about it. No heroes, no Tom Cruise. It’s an all zombie executioner movie. {If you haven’t watched “Dawn of the Dead”, you suck)

*if there’s any of you interested in co-producing some “reality horror documentary” in India, by all means, go ahead to call up Shiddharth. You can either email him at his yahoo account or call those the numbers he had given above.

I’ve never published any of my hate mails before… let this be the first (and my reply with it…)

****

From: michael ooi [mailto:michaelooi[dot]net@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 10:24 PM
To: ‘Khaled Mohammed’
Subject: RE: Yo Bitch!!

Hey Buddy, seems like u have experiences with sewer pipes. I don’t care about that, but don’t you EVER TALK ABOUT BANGLA LIKE U DID AT UR STINKIN BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!! If u do, i’ll consider u as a godddamed motherfucken cocksucken bitch-ass pervert. Or are you already….?

****

If u do, i’ll consider u as a godddamed motherfucken cocksucken bitch-ass pervert
If you have so much time to kill, go take a bath or something. Or shop for something called ‘deodorant’. You guys have the motherfuckest body odour from hell.

received an email today, which was sent through my php form…

email from floris alvaro Gonzalez.
User’s Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1) User’s IP: 195.166.237.40
Content:
Attn:mr micheal ooi
I am Mr. Floris Alvaro Gonzalez the Deputy Managing Director Of Banco Pueyo here in Spain.
I was the accounting officer of late Mr. John ooi a national of your country, who was a contractor here in Spain. On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their only son were involved in a car accident along Avenida Diagonal. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the assets and huge Capital of funds left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the share holders of this bank ,so that they can share his funds as dividends amongst themselves. The said Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days. Because as at the time of his demise I was his accounting officer ,but have since been promoted to the position of Deputy Managing Director, ever since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer. I have all necessary formation and legal documents needed to back you up for claim …. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I am waiting to hear from you soon.

Mr. Floris Alvaro Gonzalez

*****

He “heard” from me alright… I actually replied his email.

i have only 3 words to say to you :

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Part of my job function is to manage supplier quality in my company’s high speed manufacturing plant. Today, 2 of my supplier’s top management guys (with 1 of my regular engineer contact) paid me a scheduled visit for a ‘relationship renewal’. No … they did not have sex with me … we’re all straight guys. They sort of paid me a visit (all the way from Taiwan) for a great lunch … and also to make sure their business are all in good hands.

As both of them are top management guys (an MD and a manager), I was suppose to get my boss to handle them. But coincidentally, Pete was in Ireland for some business trip (which was suppose to be me doing that…. that motherfucker..) and SaltedFish was busy handling some other group of visitors.

That literally translates to “I eat my fucking self” … I’ll have to babysit these 3 Taiwanese top management guys myself. Fine. So, off we went for a great lunch and came back into business by 2 pm. In one of the session, I presented some of our high-tech-engineering-classified-not-suppose-to-know-report to impress the shit out of them. Well … they were impressed needless to say … until I switched to my email program to look for some of my important files.

Now, as most of you would probably have encountered, we always have those kind of friends who would not be ashamed to send you some non-work related stuffs. Especially those lewd pictures of half/full naked promiscuous tarts doing some wank inducing pose to distract you off your work. That’s exactly what happened today.

Alright, back to me and top management guys. When I switched my screen to my email inbox to look for that important file, something outstanding caught my eyes (which I believe, caught those Taiwanese’ eyes too). A forwarded informal email sent by one of my friends. Here’s the picture of it (i obscured the other mails for confidentiality’s sake…):

If you couldn’t see it properly, it’s an unread email (bolded) with the title “How to poison your mother in law”. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at that particular moment. Usually, I would archive my informal mails for later reading but apparently, I left out that one today … and somehow got into this situation.

I immediately switch the screen to another — hoping that those Taiwanese did not see that embarassing email. It seems that they did not … but I swear that I actually caught one of the sniggered when I was looking away.

Lesson learnt : Never ever open your email in front of others