Archive for the ‘emails’ Category


February 25, 2008

I speakeh Enguhlish (part 2)

As usual, I was doing my job chasing for reports from vendors. Again, a Chinese female correspondent of unknown age responded:

Dear all:
The attached file is FA report for your reference, if have any question, please connect with me.

Best Regards
[female correspondent of unknown age]

I think this one’s hornier than the previous one - she demanded a hook-up for every answer to a question. But I ain’t asking that cheap bitch anything man…

#  | michaelooi | emails | 6 Comments
January 2, 2008

‘review my site, michael’

How bout me clobbering some retards as my first post on a spanking brand new year? Sounds like a good idea.

Here you go, people. (received this a few days ago)

—–Original Message—–
from: HeartBeat Admin [admin@heartbeat.com.my]
to:
date: Dec 31, 2007 3:57 AM
subject: Review on HeartBeat.com.my

Hi, I’m Vincent from HeartBeat.com.my. A website that providing personalized gifts online in Malaysia.

I just visited your website & I found it is interesting and informatic.

May I know could you help me to write a review on my HeartBeat.com.my?

As a return, I would be very happy to present you a personalized mug from our website. We can print your own photo on the mug.

Looking forward in hearing from you.
Thanks. ^_^

Regards,
Vincent
http://www.heartbeat.com.my
012-647 9294
———-

Ohhh [squeal]! He finds my site ‘informatic’ and I have every reason to be thrilled about it.

I fucking hate spammers.

—–Original Message—–
from: Michael Ooi
to: HeartBeat Admin [admin@heartbeat.com.my],
date: Dec 31, 2007 6:19 PM
subject: Re: Review on HeartBeat.com.my

dear vincent
your site looks like a cheap ass porn site without porn.

sincerely
Michael
———-

There. Feel free to visit Vincent’s site and tell me if my review’s accurate or what.

#  | michaelooi | emails | 13 Comments
December 23, 2007

wildlife preservation & merry christmas

i stumbled into this in my inbox…

—–Original Message—–
From: pk tan To: Michael Ooi
Date: Dec 22, 2007 8:04 AM
Subject: Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness Campaign 2008

Hi,

My name is Pk Tan, the editor in chief for Malaysia Travel Guide. I’m writing in to request for your help in our online campaign on “Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness 08″.

[site link - if you're interested, google for the link yourself, sucker]

Here at Malaysia Travel Guide, we seek to promote Malaysia Tourism in the right way. Our first campaign revolves around the conservation of Malaysia wildlife. We seek to increase public awareness and knowledge of the value of biodiversity, its threats, and actions that will help conserve wildlife and natural areas in Malaysia.

We believe that Wildlife conservation begins with education; It is to address this lack of understanding that Malaysia Travel Guide introduced The Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness Campaign.

The objective of this campaign is to increase the awareness of “Malaysia Wildlife Conservation” via the internet, especially through Blogs.
Join us in our campaign:
There are a number of options that you can help us in this campaign.
- On the 1st Jan 2008: Blog / Write a post that relates to the Malaysia wildlife conservation. It can be to do with your usual topic or totally just about a Malaysia wildlife conservation issue.
- Prior to 1st Jan 2008, inform other bloggers about this campaign and explaining it in terms they understand (or direct them to the campaign page).
- Support the campaign: Add our banner to your site and spread the word

The best way to raise awareness is simply talking about it.

Wildlife conservation begins with each of us - Together, we can make a difference.

I would also be interested to hear any comments or suggestions you have about this campaign.

Oh yah, please do let me know, Thanks!
Thank you for your time : ))
Warm regards,
Pktan
———-

Another pimping request. Some wildlife conservation. Wtf.

I’ve had a few cans of beer tonight after a round of barbecuing some wildlife (ironically, with a bunch of wildlife, and got a bit wild ourselves) and I felt like replying so, I did it. And here’s my reply to the editor in spam…

—–Original Message—–
From: Michael Ooi
To: pk tan Date: Dec 23, 2007 2:39 AM
Subject: Re: Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness Campaign 2008

mr. tan
I hate to say this but, I think I’ll have to disagree with you about something - i think tourism and preserving wildlife are both different ballgames, and they don’t complement each other very well.

for one, tourists don’t come here to see wildlife. They’re here to have a great time (i.e. they don’t give a shit). And if they’re here, they’re gonna produce more wastes - that’s not gonna be good for any ‘wildlife’ per se (unless the ‘wildlife’ you’re referring to are those with silicon boob bags and stilettos)

Ergo, it is best to not have more tourists here if you really want to ‘preserve’ wildlife.

If you want tourists, forget wildlife. If you want wildlife, you should stop driving automobiles, quit using computers to spam email strangers, ditch your clothes and live in the wild instead - then you would have done your part to preserve the environment (which, indirectly, could save a thing or two that breathes).

But then, I’ll still post this email exchange in my blog. It’s not going to be on 1st Jan though, but in a way, it’ll still help to pimp your cause.
And all the best with that.

P/S: Please, don’t email me anymore. I eat animals (though domestic), I do not want to feel any guilt while doing that.

MichaelOoi.net (eating animals since 1977)
———-

Merry Christmas, everybody. Remember to recycle your beer and wine bottles, and kill less wildlife (leave the orang utans alone please… and I do not mean those that work in unisex hair salon…)

#  | michaelooi | emails | Comments Off
October 12, 2007

I speakeh Enguhlish

I sent an email to a vendor asking for a technical report last week. The correspondent was a Chinese lady of unknown age. After much deliberation, she finally replied my request today…

Dear Michael:
This is the report , still have one pcs not complete , I ‘ll give you asap.
Any question please touch me.
Thanks

I think she’s horny, but I have no question for her.

#  | michaelooi | emails | 7 Comments
August 21, 2007

I’m working with retards

I requested for a heatsink for one of my lab computers last week. As usual, I was made to go through shitloads of paperwork to get that paltry 5 dollar part. Come today, one week post my official request - the heatsink was still nowhere to be seen (normally, it would take only a couple of days). That was when I send an email to check with our Inventory Control (IC) department (the same department that The Gimp works in - if you can remember him), on what the hell’s going on here…

—–
From : Ooi, Michael
To : [IC guy #1]; [IC guy #2]; [some manager from other department]
Cc : [IC manager #1]; [IC manager #2]
Subject : [XXXXX]

All

May I ask what happened to this part I requested?
From the form, it seems that the part has been physically pulled - but I have yet to receive the part…

Kindly advise.

—–

I may sound like a very innocent guy in that mail… but that was just me trying to be courteous and shit. In actual fact, I was somehow pissed, because all it takes for those bums to approve my fucking heatsink was just a couple clicks of buttons on the electronic form - I could have gotten the heatsink on the very same day had they been a wee tad more efficient.

Exactly 7 minutes later, I received a reply from IC department…

—–
From : [IC guy #2]
To : Ooi, Michael; [IC guy #1]; [some manager from other department]
Cc : [IC manager #1]; [IC manager #2]
Subject : RE: [XXXXX]

Hi Michael,

I was called up you few times on yesterday afternoon but nobody pick up the call.
Kindly please print out the [electronic form]and issue the part from the [some location that I have no idea], beside that contact IC guy #1 (ext# XXXX) or IC guy #3 (ext# XXXX) to verify the physical part and paste on the IC sticker.
Thanks.

Best Regards,

IC guy #2
Inventory Control
Email: Ayam_a_retard@companyX.com
Direct Line: XXXX
Fax No: XXXX
* Challenges Used to Improve Our’s Strength

—–

I had to fucking read a few times to understand that gibberish on his email (check his signature quote out… pfftt. I bet he filched that off some graffiti he found at a Chinese elementary school toilet somewhere…).

It seems that IC guy was trying to put the blame on me for the delay… you know, simply because he wasn’t smart enough to relay a message to me? Yeah.

Being a nice guy I am, I replied courteously again…

—–
From : Ooi, Michael
To : [IC guy #2]; [IC guy #1]; [some manager from other department]
Cc : [IC manager #1]; [IC manager #2]
Subject : RE: [XXXXX]

IC guy #2,
My bad, for being so busy and not at my desk - I apologize.
But you could have left me a voicemail or sent me an email - I’m sure you know what they are.

Anyway, I’ll work out with IC guy #1 to get the part. Thanks for the info.

Michael Ooi
Failure Analysis - Company X.
Direct Line : XXXX
Direct Fax: XXXX
*”You don’t win friends with salad” — Homer Simpson*

—–

I’m not even sure if he gets my crudely veiled sarcasm. But anyway, it’s there for the record and for his managers to appreciate.

Retards, they’re here and everywhere. It makes me feel like I’m surrounded by aquariums full of dugongs… everything’s fat and in slow motion and job never gets done…

#  | michaelooi | emails | 10 Comments