Archive for the ‘e-chats’ Category

March 2, 2005

i’m a doctor

A conversation with a stranger in ICQ earlier tonight (name was changed to preserve the innocence of that stranger)

[3/2/2005 8:42 PM] Cariss : Hi
[3/2/2005 8:42 PM] heavenly (my androgynous nick in ICQ) : hello
[3/2/2005 8:42 PM] Cariss : How’s life treating you?
[3/2/2005 8:43 PM] heavenly : not bad i suppose
[3/2/2005 8:43 PM] Cariss : good to hear that
[3/2/2005 8:44 PM] Cariss : What do you do for a living?
[3/2/2005 8:44 PM] heavenly : I’m a doctor
[3/2/2005 8:45 PM] Cariss : oh really? What kind of doctor? The PHD type or the general practitioner type?
[3/2/2005 8:45 PM] heavenly : oh … definitely not the PhD type
[3/2/2005 8:46 PM] heavenly : i hang out at clinics and fix people up
[3/2/2005 8:47 PM] Cariss : with drugs i suppose
[3/2/2005 8:47 PM] Cariss : anything new?
[3/2/2005 8:47 PM] Cariss : ;)
[3/2/2005 8:47 PM] heavenly : with drugs, syringes, stethoscope, ice cream sticks … you name it
[3/2/2005 8:48 PM] heavenly : my favorite would be rubber gloves and vaseline
[3/2/2005 8:49 PM] Cariss : why so?
[3/2/2005 8:49 PM] Cariss : At least u can kill ppl u dun like, just blame it on overdose
[3/2/2005 8:50 PM] heavenly : oh no, killing is evil. doctors aren’t suppose to do that. i only kill when it’s absolutely necessary …
[3/2/2005 8:51 PM] Cariss : when do u see as necessary to kill someone?
[3/2/2005 8:52 PM] Cariss : As you said, doctors aren’t supposed to kill at all
[3/2/2005 8:53 PM] heavenly : this is a profession secret … it’s supposed to be esoteric and stuffs. but i can tell you how i do it … i feed them antibiotics .. hell yeah
[3/2/2005 9:01 PM] Cariss : brb
[3/2/2005 9:08 PM] Cariss : still alive? ;p
[3/2/2005 9:08 PM] heavenly : yeah,
[3/2/2005 9:09 PM] Cariss : what are u up to?
[3/2/2005 9:10 PM] heavenly : i’m watching my computer screen
[3/2/2005 9:10 PM] Cariss : yeah me too
[3/2/2005 9:11 PM] heavenly : i know
[3/2/2005 9:13 PM] Cariss : i know u can read
[3/2/2005 9:13 PM] heavenly : wow… you actually knew, that’s good for you
[3/2/2005 9:14 PM] Cariss : we’re the same kind, both oso can read, good for us
[3/2/2005 9:15 PM] Cariss : I hope u won’t put our conversation in your blog
[3/2/2005 9:15 PM] Cariss : doctor
[3/2/2005 9:15 PM] Cariss : lol!
[3/2/2005 9:16 PM] heavenly : oh no , i won’t. i’m a doctor, don’t you remember ? you can always trust a doctor.
[3/2/2005 9:17 PM] Cariss : yeah and the pig will fly too
[3/2/2005 9:18 PM] heavenly : whether the pig flies or the sky moves, it depends on your point of reference
[3/2/2005 9:19 PM] Cariss : Yes, it’s all relativity
[3/2/2005 9:20 PM] heavenly : doctors knew all that like the back of their hands
[3/2/2005 9:21 PM] Cariss : doctors also know how to silence one cranky nasty patient, no?
[3/2/2005 9:22 PM] heavenly : yeah, cover their mouth with a duct tape or something … or give them chloroforms … it works
[3/2/2005 9:22 PM] Cariss : lol~

~~boring part snipped off~~

[3/2/2005 9:35 PM] heavenly : so, do you have hairs growing from your armpit ?
[3/2/2005 9:36 PM] Cariss : oh yes, bushes.
[3/2/2005 9:37 PM] Cariss : some ppl have kinky taste, do u doc?
[3/2/2005 9:38 PM] heavenly : hmmm … hirsutism … hirustims… i can’t spell it … it’s a disease
[3/2/2005 9:39 PM] Cariss : U mean hirsutes?
[3/2/2005 9:39 PM] Cariss : hahaha
[3/2/2005 9:39 PM] Cariss : not everyone gets it
[3/2/2005 9:39 PM] heavenly : you got it …
[3/2/2005 9:39 PM] Cariss : only the selected few, God is fair, if s/he really exists.
[3/2/2005 9:40 PM] Cariss : Don’t be jealous doc.
[3/2/2005 9:41 PM] heavenly : yeah … you and those bunch of apes … poor creatures … hirstutismm… hirsutise… fuck…
[3/2/2005 9:42 PM] Cariss : Don’t insult my cousins!!! ;)
[3/2/2005 9:42 PM] Cariss : ;pPpPpp
[3/2/2005 9:43 PM] heavenly : wookies … are wookies your cousins ?
[3/2/2005 9:43 PM] Cariss : Hairless doesn’t neccesarily means sexier, u hairless PIG!
[3/2/2005 9:44 PM] heavenly : that’s not the way to speak to your doctor you bitch
[3/2/2005 9:45 PM] Cariss : What makes u think you deserve “Special Treatment” than others?
[3/2/2005 9:45 PM] Cariss : Wookies are my long lost relatives
[3/2/2005 9:46 PM] Cariss : If you see them, let me know, my mom would love to get in touch with them, coz they still owe us some food.
[3/2/2005 9:46 PM] heavenly : because I’m a doctor … I have gloves … and vaseline… you mess with me, my glove will show up in your next x-ray scan
[3/2/2005 9:46 PM] Cariss : LOL

~~boring part snipped off~~

[3/2/2005 9:50 PM] heavenly : you’re starting to make less senses … hirstutism again …
[3/2/2005 9:51 PM] Cariss : lol~
[3/2/2005 9:51 PM] Cariss : u should examine my mental and physical state first before you pass your judgement
[3/2/2005 9:52 PM] Cariss : you are right doc, i can always blame it on hirstutism when i start babbling
[3/2/2005 9:53 PM] heavenly : yep … that’s the way to go
[3/2/2005 9:53 PM] heavenly : only cure for hirsutism is to use a razor … and shave the daylights out of yourself
[3/2/2005 9:54 PM] Cariss : i did, but it grow back the next sec, it kindda block my speech too.
[3/2/2005 9:55 PM] heavenly : hmmmm … this is serious
[3/2/2005 9:55 PM] Cariss : Yeah, it’s in the genes
[3/2/2005 9:56 PM] Cariss : I’m a hopeless case
[3/2/2005 9:56 PM] heavenly : ok … try this. find a knife … and repeatedly stab your own head. Should work
[3/2/2005 9:57 PM] Cariss : I prefer to stab yours
[3/2/2005 9:58 PM] Cariss : at least I can see the bloody scence with my own eyes and skin your head with my own bare hands
[3/2/2005 9:58 PM] heavenly : that’s not the way to talk to your doctor you bitch
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] Cariss : u r repeating yourself doc
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] Cariss : I need to get my ass moving, as I need to update my blog doc
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] Cariss : u can see my hairy arse in my blog
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] heavenly : ok … get some rest.
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] Cariss : u too
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] Cariss : say hi to Emily for me
[3/2/2005 9:59 PM] heavenly : Hi
[3/2/2005 10:00 PM] Cariss : If I stab u, she’ll murder me
[3/2/2005 10:00 PM] Cariss : hahaha
[3/2/2005 10:00 PM] heavenly : ok … sure … she loves stabbing hairy primates anyway
[3/2/2005 10:00 PM] Cariss : doc u SUX~
[3/2/2005 10:00 PM] heavenly : u too

~~boring part snipped off~~

She later came back for more …

[3/2/2005 10:14 PM] Cariss : Ur latest entry is damn funny, now my mouth is cracked, i’ll blame it on u doc.
[3/2/2005 10:15 PM] heavenly : that’s side effects for being rude to your doc… not because of laughing
[3/2/2005 10:16 PM] Cariss : Well my doc is not a gentleman either
[3/2/2005 10:16 PM] Cariss : he always poke his rod at the wrong places, ooops, i mean holes.
[3/2/2005 10:16 PM] heavenly : soon, your tits gonna bloat and explode
[3/2/2005 10:17 PM] Cariss : I’m more worried about my anus
[3/2/2005 10:17 PM] Cariss : BTW, how tall are you?
[3/2/2005 10:18 PM] Cariss : What I mean is, how tall are you to call others SHORTIE?
[3/2/2005 10:18 PM] heavenly : i’m approximately 3 feet when I lay down flat on my bed
[3/2/2005 10:19 PM] Cariss : wow, we are the same height mate
[3/2/2005 10:21 PM] heavenly : but when I turn over in doggie style pose, offset another 1 – 2 feet
[3/2/2005 10:21 PM] Cariss : LMAO~
[3/2/2005 10:21 PM] Cariss : i pity Emily
[3/2/2005 10:22 PM] heavenly : why ?
[3/2/2005 10:24 PM] Cariss : The doggy style must have hurt her bad
[3/2/2005 10:25 PM] heavenly : it’s fun
[3/2/2005 10:25 PM] Cariss : Only Emily knows
[3/2/2005 10:26 PM] heavenly : well, ever see a dog depressed ? that explains it
[3/2/2005 10:26 PM] Cariss : no wonder u r ALWAYS so happy
[3/2/2005 10:27 PM] heavenly : doctors are always happy
[3/2/2005 10:27 PM] Cariss : yeah rite and my arse is SQUARE too
[3/2/2005 10:29 PM] heavenly : good for you … ape
[3/2/2005 10:29 PM] Cariss : OUCH~
[3/2/2005 10:29 PM] Cariss : U r such a pain in my arse doc
[3/2/2005 10:30 PM] heavenly : get some help, kill yourself
[3/2/2005 10:30 PM] Cariss : well i won’t
[3/2/2005 10:31 PM] Cariss : i dun wanna let u be soooooooo happy
[3/2/2005 10:31 PM] heavenly : you said you owned a blog ?
[3/2/2005 10:31 PM] Cariss : yes
[3/2/2005 10:32 PM] heavenly : ok
[3/2/2005 10:32 PM] Cariss : ;p
[3/2/2005 10:37 PM] Cariss : my blog is boring dun read it
[3/2/2005 10:37 PM] Cariss : goodnite~
[3/2/2005 10:37 PM] heavenly : i won’t read it… goodnight
[3/2/2005 10:37 PM] Cariss : dun miss me
[3/2/2005 10:39 PM] heavenly : i won’t

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 20 Comments
February 25, 2005

harlo

They come in droves. Another girl sent me an instant message yesterday …

goodgirl : “harlo how r u ?”

I tried to be nice this time…

me : “i am fine thank you”

goodgirl : “oooooo very good loh. what r u doing now ?”

I don’t know why she asked me that. Maybe she thought I might be doing something laborious like … washing my car? while still maintaining my ability to communicate with strangers on the internet through some shitty instant messaging program?

I decided to give her a downright honest reply.

me : “i am looking at my computer display now”

But somehow, she didn’t seem to get my message right…

goodgirl : “harlo r u here ?”

me : “yes… I am still looking at my computer display”

Well, she didn’t respond for almost a whole 2 hours… and then reappeared again:

goodgirl : “harlo”

Realizing that the conversation wasn’t going to work anyway, I devised a message to bail off from this meaningless conversation…

me : “this is an electronically generated message. The author is currently unavailable… please leave a message after the asterisk sign … he will get back to you when he’s back at his computer * ”

goodgirl : “ooooooo nice to meet u too bye bye”

Riiiiiiiiighhhht. [nods head slowly] Nice indeed.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 23 Comments
February 22, 2005

in utero

I received another stray ICQ message (name was amended to protect the innocent):

cher : “hi…”

me : “hi”

You see, I was trying to sound like one of them there… to lure them into the trap…

cher : “where r u from…….”

*DOLT ALERT … DOLT ALERT*

me : “my mother’s uterus”

cher : “soli,i have 2go…….bye……”

My comment freaked her out so much that she misspelled “sorry” as “soli” … and “to” as the number “2”. What the fuck ! What is so scary about my mom’s uterus?? You should see her spleen!

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 12 Comments
February 6, 2005

random conversation II

This is the 7 millionth time my ICQ blinked from a same person … vivian (if you can remember her ..)

vivian : “hello”

heavenly (my androgynous nick in ICQ) : “hello”

vivian : “happy new year”

heavenly : “happy … happy”

vivian : “wat are u doing now;?”

heavenly : “blogging lor”

I reckon that she probably didn’t have a clue what is a blog, because she didn’t reply for almost 50 minutes or so… before she shot me a few more questions (which she had asked a few times before in previous chat sessions)

vivian : “hi. u from where laio? i forget”

heavenly : “penang”

You know, I’m already too lazy to tell her that there’s a button in her ICQ menu called ‘User Details’… that would have led her to ‘the light’…

vivian : “c”

I think she meant “I see”. More questions …

vivian : “then wat is yr job. when u holiday? i curious about u”

What was I supposed to do? Knowing that even if I tell her my line of occupation again, it wouldn’t stay in her cache of memory for more than a minute. She’s probably gonna ask the same thing again later/tomorrow. So I devised something that might scare her off for good …

heavenly : “i am a trishaw peddler… i pick my nose and flick boogers at stray animals”

vivian : “not undersatnd. good nite”

What is so hard to understand here? And man, she got freaked out so much that she spelled ‘understand’ as ‘undersatnd’… and finally left me be.

To those of you teenagers or horny spinster out there, although I am not really a ‘trishaw peddler that has the fetish for tormenting animals with my dried mucus’, please do not be so easily assume that the ‘cute guy’ whom you randomly met online… MAY POSSIBLY BE SOMEONE (whom you would consider as ‘undesirable’) HIDING BEHIND A BEAUTIFUL PSEUDONYM ….

Someone like – trishaw peddlers, Banglas, garbage collectors, undertakers, grave robbers, pimps, government office clerks…

If you’re desperate, get a butt plug.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 13 Comments
January 30, 2005

heavy

A conversation with DrLiew in ICQ …

me : “i am heavier than most people of my size … ”

doc : “big bone, hahaha”

me : “is there really such a thing as heavier bone mass ?”

doc : “yes… we call it ‘built'”

me : “hmmm .. ok … i thought that’s just something being made up. coz i may just have bigger organs than anyone else … you know .,.. bigger lungs … bigger kidneys … bigger bladder … bigger dick … which contributes to my weight …”

doc : “LOL . big testicles”

me : “yeah yeah … and probably bigger biceps and you know … brain mass … ”

doc : “hahahaha”

Bigger ‘built’… hmmm … me thinks it’s my schlong.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 16 Comments