Archive for the ‘e-chats’ Category

October 16, 2006

John’s robotic arm project

Remember John? The callow technician whose IQ is equivalent to a box of rocks? Or less? Well, he’s now in UK studying Engineering of some sort. Yes, he’s not working for Company X anymore (I’ve briefly blogged about it here).

A couple nights ago, he messaged me through MSN Messenger. Wanted to consult me about his latest engineering project. Here’s the transcript

John : Michael

me : hey john

John : how are you?

me : fine i guess. are you in UK now?

John : yes. i need some idea from u…. about a robotic arm project…

He lengthily described about an assignment of his that involves the use of a robotic arm, and that his lecturer wanted him to think of something that can make a good use of that doohickey. But he didn’t cover a lot of essential details about that project and wanted me to shed some lights for him…

me : you could have googled it instead of asking me… you know… you’ll yield more results that way….

John : i already searched for a few days, still no idea

Situation assessment – A freshie engineering student consults an experienced engineer about an engineering assignment. Should the seasoned erudite engineer bequeath his knowledge to the young padawan? Most certainly fair for him to do so. It’s what he knows best.

So, the veteran engineer decides to altruistically impart his knowledge for the good of humanity…

me : if you were to ask me, i’d say build a robotic arm to masturbate a man’s dick. you know, just a firm rubber grip, that could repeatedly jerk itself mad.

John : hahaha

me : maybe hook up a few probes to measure the body temp and heartbeat…. and if those data translates to an increased hormonal imbalance, then jerk faster. i’m sure your lab professor will like it. so are you building one or are you gonna write a thesis about it?

John : no, i already got the robotic arm, just want to know what i can do using this 2 robotic arms

me : Oh you have TWO arms! well, you can use the other one to twist your own nipple… or perhaps to cup your nutsack, while the other one is busy with the wanking

John : but if really want to built that, it’ll cost alot =.=

me : desperate men will pay anything for a good toy …. your uni didn’t teach you that? what the fuck dude

John : =.=””

How about that people? A high tech robotic arm that can fulfill a man’s need indoor (well, extend a cord out, and you can even make it outdoor). If you think that invention is too self centered, then perhaps it can be utilized at sperm banks… It’ll milk sperms out of willing donors at an unprecedented pace and uniformity.

If John could make this thing happen, he’d sure become the most popular guy in the campus. Just hope that his machine works as expected, and doesn’t rip off somebody’s wiener instead.

[if you guys have any ideas that you want to share with John, feel free to ‘ejaculate’ your suggestion in the commenting system below.]

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 15 Comments
May 9, 2006

augtiwatever

MSN…

me : most IT geeks wear specs

friend : yah… it’s a wonder i don’t. kekeke. i have another type of problem tho… augtiwatever. can’t fucking spell that “problem”.. it’s when u see things, especially lights, and it tends to look cloudy/spreaded

me : astigmatism

friend : YEAYEA that’s the one. i always mix that spelling with augtism or autism or something like that.. hyperactiveness

me : if it starts with an “A” followed by a “U”…. then it can only be ‘autistic’. if you’re autistic, you won’t be MSN-ing with me right now

friend : LOL~ why not? maybe i can control

me : you’ll probably be playing with your shits inside a toilet at some special school somewhere…

******

But strangely, autistic people seem to have special places in my workplace. More often than anything else, they get hired as highly paid managers/directors to read an email or two, make inept remarks, to herd low income sheep (like me) and sometimes, to complicate matters a bit… just so that everyone has their fair share of shit to clean up.

Not to say that it’s a bad thing… coz these people are the ones who adorn our corporate life with colors … so as the experience would not be so vapid like fucking a concrete monsoon drain. *nods slowly* It’s a good thing… it’s a good thing. (assure me then, if it’s not)

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 7 Comments
April 26, 2006

close to you

In MSN today…

titoki : Do you read books to your baby?

michael : emily reads the baby story every night and sings to her. i read a story to the baby once

titoki : Actually it’s good for the father to talk to the baby too. to get familiar with your voice. to bond with you. don’t read it once, read it everynight. it’s your duty. do you know why kids are closer to their mom? coz the mom talks a lot. dad is like wood. so i hope you can read more to her, sing to her even, it will help to foster a closer ties and relationship. and it helps her to recognise your voice too

michael : but … i don’t want her to be close to me ….

titoki : u are one weird dad. why not?

michael : not until she’s old enough to go to the toilet herself!

titoki : LOL

michael : i’m smart. i’m gonna fucking blog this.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 13 Comments
April 5, 2006

I seek you

Got a message from a stranger in ICQ

selina (09:31 PM) : hi
michael (09:31 PM) : hi
selina (09:32 PM) : can i chat with u
michael (09:33 PM) : i thought you’re already doing that now…
selina (09:34 PM) : do wat
michael (09:34 PM) : do what you’re asking…
selina (09:35 PM) : no lah

ACCKKKKKK!!!!! DOLT ALERT!!! DOLT ALERT!!!! (I have a knack of being able to identify a dolt with just a few sentences’ depth of conversation..)

michael (09:38 PM : excuse me, can you like… message me again… say, in 2015? I’m kinda busy right now…
selina (09:38 PM) : hee
michael (09:40 PM) : ermmm, if you’re retarded, you should probably just stay away from computers…
michael (09:40 PM) : sorry, probably you should just stay away from anything that has to do with electricity

Never got her response after that. Probably committed suicide (hey! it’s a good thing!)

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 14 Comments
March 6, 2006

michael saves

A friend messaged me on MSN today.

friend: dude, how was ur weekend?

me: it was ok i guess

friend: i was damn sien. my bf was too busy with the new car

me: you should have expected that. he’s a guy after all

friend: wats with cars and guys?

me: gadgets are more important than girlfriends and wives

friend: damns. well… he’s not paying any attention to me, then he can go marry the damn car. i told him that last night

me: it’s alright i guess, at least the car won’t nag him

friend: i told him i wanted to break up

me: he’d be one hell of a happy man

friend: cis bedebah!

me: you’re jealous of a car, you should get your brain checked

friend: darling, he spent the whole weekend polishing the car. no time for me. wouldn’t u be pissed too?

me: you know, if I were to be in your shoes? I’d bring him beer while he’s polishing his car… and if the need ever arises, I’d give him a spontaneous round of sex during his break too.

*****

She went all quiet after that. I think my witty advice might have cajoled her to reconcile with her boyfriend…

I think I’m a genius.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 18 Comments