Archive for the ‘e-chats’ Category

April 14, 2016

maxis sucks donkey cock

Were commenting about the recent Maxis fiasco on Whatsapp with a group of buddies, when a fellow friend gave a good analogy on what I should’ve done…

maxis sucks

Yeah Maxis you fucking old slut with wet plastic bag deflated tits. Fuck you and your yeast infested cunt!

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off
September 26, 2013

fb msg

I received a Facebook message from an athletic looking girl with a chiseled body (whom I do not know). Here’s her message. It’s in 2 languages:

Hi, nama saya mariam, saya melihat profil anda di sini dan saya fikir saya akan ingin tahu anda lebih baik untuk kita menjadi kawan yang baik. Tulis kepada saya di alamat e-mel saya di [mariammajer@yahoo.com] untuk pengenalan lanjut dan untuk melihat gambar saya. pls menyertai alamat e-mel anda bersama-sama untuk saya menerima e-mel anda. mariammajer@yahoo.com

Hi,my name is mariam, I view your profile here and i think i will like to know you better for us to be good friends. Write to me in my email address at [ mariammajer@yahoo.com ] for more introduction and to see my photos. pls join your email address together for me to receive your mail. mariammajer@yahoo.com

I replied excitedly:

Mariam – Porrraahhhh!

Fucking spammers would do anything in the name of spam.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off
January 12, 2010

office gossip

The following conversation was a transcript from Company X instant messenger, between myself and a female colleague (FC) of mine.

FC : did u hear about Company X juicy gossip

Me : what gossip?

FC : we heard one guy from TS [tech support] and one gal from sales got fired cause they were shagging in one of our toilets. eeewww

Me : toilet?

FC : ya Company X toilet

Me : Company X didn’t pay them enough money to book a room. But toilet can be fun

FC : hahahah

Me : make sure go to the male toilet though… because guys get excited when someone shags in their toilet. Females on the other hand, will feel offended (because they don’t get to shag). And will report to management.

FC : hahahahhahahah

Oh don’t we all know that most women are ‘kuat jeles’ type… If they don’t get to do something others get to do, they’d resort to sabotage. So, always remember, if you’re going to shag at your workplace toilet, make sure you go to the Gents.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 9 Comments
February 26, 2008

what ‘pundek’ means…

Before you proceed to read the transcript below, you’re required to know the following words beforehand….
– ‘cheebye‘ : Hokkien for vagina, cooter, beaver, pussy, etc.
– ‘lancheow‘: Hokkien for penis, dick, weiner, schlong, etc.
– ‘lampah‘: Hokkien for testicals, nutsack, balls, ballsack, etc.
– ‘pundek‘: Tamil for cheebye.
– ‘puki‘: Tagalog for cheebye

Note: Those words are the most commonly used profanities in the general Malaysian public today. If you don’t know any of these words, you should probably fucking get a lobotomy.

The following conversation took place at Company X messenger today, between myself and a female colleague (FC) of mine. It’s a discussion about our everyday profanities. Those of you pansy ass who knows nuts about local profanities, you’re strongly encouraged to peruse this dialog with utmost scrutiny…

FC: u busy ke?

Michael: not really, why?

FC: so r u still feeling lazy?

Michael: yeah, that explains the reply ‘not really’. i have a lot of work, but i’m not busy.

FC: haha

Michael: what abt you? free?

FC: ya quite free that’s why reading ur blog can’t reamember when was the last time i read it. think was last year

Michael: pundek

FC: wat pundek i dun have one

Michael: you don’t have pundek?? then what do you have lar?? lampah?

FC: thought that one is for guy

Michael: pundek is Tamil for cheebye

FC: u serious?

Michael: yes i am. ask your indian friends.

FC: i i alwasy thought it’s a guys one

Michael: no ler. guys one is called lancheow. or lampah also can.

FC: that one is chinese lah. then indian one leh? call wat?

Michael: tamil for lancheow i don’t know

FC: hahaha

Michael: i figured, if i want to describe a dick to an english illiterate Indian chick, i’d just whip out my lancheow, she’d understand. I can’t whip out a cheebye, can I? That’s why i only learned the word – pundek

FC: ahahhahah ok now i know pundek is girls one

Michael: good good.

FC: oh yeah i have gal fren thought puki is for guys. she is liek 26 ys old, only recently she learn that puki is for gals

Michael: what the fuck??

FC: ahahhah we laughed at her

Michael: does she even know herself has one??

FC: ya i asked her whther she has puki. she looked at me one kind n said i was crazee.

Michael: maaan. is there really still such people on this planet? act innocent kot?

FC: well she knows what is cheebye. but she interpreted puki as the guy part

Yeah, we’d all be fucking damned if we guys have puki.

Just remember, people, if you don’t know or unsure what a certain profanity word means, you better ask around. You don’t want to make a mistake like my friend here (and also her friend in this case)… saying things like herself not having a cooter and mistaken their male counterparts as having one… it’ll be tragic.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 12 Comments
February 19, 2008

a little bit of conversation

You know you’re a Malaysian if you can understand the conversation (from MSN) below:

Michael: itu lydia shum sudah mati

Luis: betui ka..

Michael: yeah. latest news

Luis: but she is old aldy ler.. i mean got problem aldy…

Michael: yeah, dia mia timing belt sudah putus

Luis: aaha.. timing belt…

Michael: dia mia piston sama itu valve semua sudah out of sync. macam yewtube mia kereta. hahah

Luis: tapi memang dia dah ada problem ler.. just that depa keep from news

Michael: i think Star published her pictures before. she basically looked like a rat… her fat all gone.

Luis: yeah…its a sad news ler..

Michael: it seems like the stars of our time are tapau-ing one after another. dude, can i blog this conversation? see if people can understand our language…

Luis: i think yes ler.. but what if lydia read this ?

Michael: lydia’s dead dude

Luis: and get upset like XXX ?

[actually, I had a case recently with a friend - whose name I masked with 'XXX' - who got really upset with me for blogging about him. His discontentment has since been allayed with a couple glasses of beer swigging measure]

Michael: you mean, her hantu come and haunt us? ahaha

Luis: ahaha

*****

If you do not understand what we’re talking about, nevermind.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 5 Comments