The following conversation was a transcript from Company X instant messenger, between myself and a female colleague (FC) of mine.

FC : did u hear about Company X juicy gossip

Me : what gossip?

FC : we heard one guy from TS [tech support] and one gal from sales got fired cause they were shagging in one of our toilets. eeewww

Me : toilet?

FC : ya Company X toilet

Me : Company X didn’t pay them enough money to book a room. But toilet can be fun

FC : hahahah

Me : make sure go to the male toilet though… because guys get excited when someone shags in their toilet. Females on the other hand, will feel offended (because they don’t get to shag). And will report to management.

FC : hahahahhahahah

Oh don’t we all know that most women are ‘kuat jeles’ type… If they don’t get to do something others get to do, they’d resort to sabotage. So, always remember, if you’re going to shag at your workplace toilet, make sure you go to the Gents.

Before you proceed to read the transcript below, you’re required to know the following words beforehand….
- ‘cheebye‘ : Hokkien for vagina, cooter, beaver, pussy, etc.
- ‘lancheow‘: Hokkien for penis, dick, weiner, schlong, etc.
- ‘lampah‘: Hokkien for testicals, nutsack, balls, ballsack, etc.
- ‘pundek‘: Tamil for cheebye.
- ‘puki‘: Tagalog for cheebye

Note: Those words are the most commonly used profanities in the general Malaysian public today. If you don’t know any of these words, you should probably fucking get a lobotomy.

The following conversation took place at Company X messenger today, between myself and a female colleague (FC) of mine. It’s a discussion about our everyday profanities. Those of you pansy ass who knows nuts about local profanities, you’re strongly encouraged to peruse this dialog with utmost scrutiny…

FC: u busy ke?

Michael: not really, why?

FC: so r u still feeling lazy?

Michael: yeah, that explains the reply ‘not really’. i have a lot of work, but i’m not busy.

FC: haha

Michael: what abt you? free?

FC: ya quite free that’s why reading ur blog can’t reamember when was the last time i read it. think was last year

Michael: pundek

FC: wat pundek i dun have one

Michael: you don’t have pundek?? then what do you have lar?? lampah?

FC: thought that one is for guy

Michael: pundek is Tamil for cheebye

FC: u serious?

Michael: yes i am. ask your indian friends.

FC: i i alwasy thought it’s a guys one

Michael: no ler. guys one is called lancheow. or lampah also can.

FC: that one is chinese lah. then indian one leh? call wat?

Michael: tamil for lancheow i don’t know

FC: hahaha

Michael: i figured, if i want to describe a dick to an english illiterate Indian chick, i’d just whip out my lancheow, she’d understand. I can’t whip out a cheebye, can I? That’s why i only learned the word – pundek

FC: ahahhahah ok now i know pundek is girls one

Michael: good good.

FC: oh yeah i have gal fren thought puki is for guys. she is liek 26 ys old, only recently she learn that puki is for gals

Michael: what the fuck??

FC: ahahhah we laughed at her

Michael: does she even know herself has one??

FC: ya i asked her whther she has puki. she looked at me one kind n said i was crazee.

Michael: maaan. is there really still such people on this planet? act innocent kot?

FC: well she knows what is cheebye. but she interpreted puki as the guy part

Yeah, we’d all be fucking damned if we guys have puki.

Just remember, people, if you don’t know or unsure what a certain profanity word means, you better ask around. You don’t want to make a mistake like my friend here (and also her friend in this case)… saying things like herself not having a cooter and mistaken their male counterparts as having one… it’ll be tragic.

You know you’re a Malaysian if you can understand the conversation (from MSN) below:

Michael: itu lydia shum sudah mati

Luis: betui ka..

Michael: yeah. latest news

Luis: but she is old aldy ler.. i mean got problem aldy…

Michael: yeah, dia mia timing belt sudah putus

Luis: aaha.. timing belt…

Michael: dia mia piston sama itu valve semua sudah out of sync. macam yewtube mia kereta. hahah

Luis: tapi memang dia dah ada problem ler.. just that depa keep from news

Michael: i think Star published her pictures before. she basically looked like a rat… her fat all gone.

Luis: yeah…its a sad news ler..

Michael: it seems like the stars of our time are tapau-ing one after another. dude, can i blog this conversation? see if people can understand our language…

Luis: i think yes ler.. but what if lydia read this ?

Michael: lydia’s dead dude

Luis: and get upset like XXX ?

[actually, I had a case recently with a friend - whose name I masked with 'XXX' - who got really upset with me for blogging about him. His discontentment has since been allayed with a couple glasses of beer swigging measure]

Michael: you mean, her hantu come and haunt us? ahaha

Luis: ahaha

*****

If you do not understand what we’re talking about, nevermind.

Company X corporate messenger… (certain details have been modified to mask the identity of the characters)

Girl colleague : “hi michael”

me : “Yeah”

Girl colleague : “you busy?”

me : “What’s up?”

Girl colleague : “u heard of contest XYZ?”

me : “contest XYZ? no ler. what’s that?”

Girl colleague : “hmmm.. u got read [prominent blogger]‘s blog?”

me : “no, i never read blogs”

Girl colleague : “go [URL]. Contest XYZ is a competition.. for u to make ur dreams come true.. winner will be rm 150k. my friend is in the final 4…”

I went to the URL. The mainpage was with a cropped image of a rather hot looking girl in a mini tube top posing the belly dancer stance. There were texts surrounding that image, urging visitors to SMS vote the site owner in the said Contest XYZ…

me : “you mean, your friend is in that competition?”

Girl colleague : “my friend’s dream is to own her dance studio…”

me : “that girl is your friend?”

Girl colleague : “yes”

me : “that photo is heavily photoshopped. your friend works in Company X?”

Girl colleague : “nope”

me : “so what’s this all about?”

Girl colleague : “i dunno how to explain.. the main purpose is to have dance party.. its like for all those that interested in dancing.. get together .. and exchange opinion and stuff.. but u can’t make money.. so making money part is .. dance classes”

I got a little bit confused… but that was not important anyway…

me : “so she’s organizing a party is it?”

Girl colleague : “shd be.. but so far none as i know of la.. i lama tak jumpa dia..”

me : “oh ok. Is she going to take off her clothes at the party?”

Girl colleague : “no stripdance”

me : “ok. so is she going to take off her skirt or pants at the party then?”

Girl colleague : “no 18SX dance”

me : “then why would anyone go there lar?”

Girl colleague : “someone who wants to learn how to dance (the dance classes that she has in her studio). someone who would like to meet more ppl who like to dance.. ”

me : “those people who wants to meet someone who can dance, are only interested to get into that someone’s pants. so to say, people want to dance because they want to impress girls… so that they can fuck them or somethign”

Girl colleague : “what about girls? who like to dance?”

me : “they want to get into guys’ pants. simple.”

Girl colleague : “wow.. ur world is so simple”

me : “it’s the reality. guys can see things girls don’t see. you girls read too much love novels.”

A guy’s world revolves around girls. Just like how much a fag’s world revolve around bungholes. *shrugs*

I had to go after that. I did that colleague (and that girl in the competition) a favor – I sent in a vote.

MSN…

Friend : “mike wats ur horoscope?”

me : “virgo”

Friend : “.:VIRGO:. The Virgin. Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness.”

Friend : “the freak in bed makes me laugh”

me : “you cheebye you”

Friend : “hahahhah”

Just, how can one tell the characteristics of a person by just simply analyzing a cluster of burning hot mass of gases in the outer fucking space? Illogical lah. Hate to disappoint you optimists out there but, the stars can’t tell if I can fuck good. If you want to know, come find out yourself bebeh.