I had a nightmare last night. A real scary one.

Here is how it goes :
I was behind my boss in a queue, at the Company X security checkpoint. We were in the line to have our body scanned with a handheld metal detector by the security guard.

When it came to my boss’ turn, he was made to empty his pocket and then went up to an elevated platform. With his hands outstretched, the security guard started scanning him with a handheld metal detector. It was all good until the guard run the handheld metal detector through my boss’ chest, which the thing beeped like crazy. Thinking that it must be some leftover coins in his pocket, the guard asked my boss to empty his pocket thoroughly and then run it through one more time. BEEEEEEEP! (if you can remember, this was kinda similar to what my friend Keith had encountered before)

That was when the security guard suspected something amiss and ordered my boss to strip. I immediately saw my boss’ face turn red, like he was foreseeing something embarrassing about to happen. I then went “Oh fucking great. Now my boss’ a klepto. This is going to fucking mar my reputation man.” You know, things like that happen in Company X, people of high stature stealing computer parts for their own gratification.

With a miserable look, my boss started to remove his shirt… and out pops this glaringly red object from his bare chest - it was a red colored lacy bra! My boss was a fucking closet crossdresser!! The rest of us in the line were falling down like dominoes (or like the bunch of Orcs in Lord of The Rings when Sauron lost his finger/ring) after being attacked by that revolting sight… and then I woke up, panting on my own bed.

This has got to be the scariest shit I have ever dreamed of.

People say, the things you do during the day makes up what you dream at night. But I couldn’t remember what I did on Sunday that could have made me dream of my boss being a closet crossdresser… damn!

“Dear, I had a dream about us again last night…”

“So what was it all about this time?”

“I dreamt that somebody tried to seduce you. ”

Now, if that isn’t gonna be exciting…
She went into the details, I acted cool.

“It was one of my distant friend from my hometown, not bad looking… we’re going [somewhere]”

[somewhere] - I actually forgot the place she mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention to that trivial part…

“Then what happened?”

“My friend then lifted up her blouse and flashed you her tits…”

“OMG, really?? This is way too coooll!”

“Yeah, she did that to you… right before my own eyes!”

I wanted to ask if the titties were big, but I digressed…

“And then?? And then??”

“And then I berated you.”

“What the fuck?? She flashed me her titties and you berated me?? You should’ve done that to her instead!”

“It just happened, how do I know?”

Mannnn, this is so ‘potong stim’! Why is it always us men to get the blame whenever something bad happens? Somebody tell me if this is fair!

Girls, please don’t flash us your tits… as it will get us into trouble. Now you don’t want to get us into trouble do you? I beg you please, don’t flash us your tits.

“Dear, I had a bad dream about us last night…”

“Yeah? What was it all about?”

I was busy cogitating what to wear to work and Emily was sitting on the bed with a concerned look. Concerned about her ‘bad dream’ that is, not about me standing half naked in front of the closet.

“I dreamt that you and I, and another 3 girls went for an apartment stayover…”

Wow. This could be exciting, I thought. 1 guy, 4 girls, apartment stay. If it isn’t something kinky. I decided to invest some attention to her.

“Ok.” I deliberately made myself all cool like that… so not to reveal my excitement about the whole thing.

“It was weird. When we’re inside that apartment, you suddenly became Bruce Willis…”

That was a little bit out of my expectation, but it’s alright I guess. I could use a little hair on my chest, lose some of it from my head and wear a bitter fuck expression… no problem.

“Bruce Willis, cool.”

“Then you had 2 heads suddenly burst out of your abs and became a monster”

I started to lose some grip about this whole dream thing, but didn’t completely lose it. I listened on…

“And then… I transformed into a monster as well. Then followed by the rest of the girls… and we cannibalized each other out in a repulsive sight full of blood and gore…”

Alright, I made up the cannibalism part. The apartment-stay turned out to be just an orgy full of monsters hanging out. Nothing special.

But then, it got me thinking, is there any hidden meaning behind that weird dream? Maybe it’s the petrol hike thing. The male monster me symbolizes us working class citizens? The girls = petrol price? The act of going to the apartment stay = filling up petrol? Just when we’re expecting something good out of the act, it suddenly all turn into monsters and fuck our lives up?

I don’t know man, use your imagination.

Emily: “I had a terrible dream last night, dear”

Me: “Oh tell me about it”

Emily: “I dreamt that both of us died and were resurrected as vampires”

Me: “Vampires! That’s cool! So did we have those awesome looking vampire robes on?”

I was envisioning myself sporting an ancient Chinese vampire robe, which was very common back in the 80’s Hong Kong flicks. I remembered I was so mesmerized by the frightening aura of a Chinese hopping vampire… that I actually aspired to become one of them one day, you know, jumping around the city sucking out blood from the innocents. It’s uber cool for a kid’s standard to be able to do those unrestrained evil acts.

Well, what do you expect from a simple mind of a kid? Liberate and carefree. They don’t have to worry about paying bills and who to impress. All they wanna do is to mimic after whoever they think highly of… ultraman, spiderman, vampires, those beefcake brutes in the ever popular American wrestling veneer… the silly but fun part of being a kid.

But sadly, I’m all grown up now. I have hairs at various places, and have responsibilities to go along with it. I have much more important aspirations to worry about, and a set of adulthood orthodox to comply. Those days were gone forever. It’s a totally different world for me now, and I know this will continue to suck until I bite the dust one day.

All that is left is this small fraction of memory and imagination in my brain. Some people call it, the child in us. I call it my imagination. And with the convenience of a little bit of technology, I’m spreading these imaginations like a skanky whore in my blog up on the net, for you people to take a peer, what’s inside the head of a serious looking 28 year old in front of his desk computer, hammering away his keys like he’s saving the world. (muahahahh) It’s wonderful, isn’t it?

No shit, man, if this vampire thing were to be real, I would STILL want to be a vampire. Probably not those Chinese hopping vampires but something like Blade (if you have seen the movie/read the comics) - where I would be immortal, and able to blend in perfectly with the society, without having to fear the sunlight and garlic. And of course, the superhuman traits that I could use to impress girls (which I can make a meal out of by sucking blood off their tits). Woohoo!

I was snapped back to reality soon after that microsecond drift

Emily: “I don’t think it’s cool dear. It’s horrible. Know how we died? We jumped off a building”

Me: “Oh”

Ultimate turn off. You can’t be a vampire when you’re looking like a minced meat.

I dreamt I was in some grandiose banquet wearing a tuxedo. You know, those event that we see on TV ? Chicks wearing cleavage baring dresses and black waiters pouring free flow wines ?… you get the idea.

I was kinda scouring the table full of food, for something to eat of course, when I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. Of course I wasn’t too happy about that as I was damn hungry. But I turned to answer that tap nevertheless, and found myself gazing at a familiar face.

It was Rob. If you can remember him … my undead ex-boss whom I loathed more than roaches and faggots. He was without his trademark ratfink goatee and was donning a thoroughly white uniform… with a tall white hat embellishing his balding skeletal head.

“Hi Michael. Long time no see”

That motherfucker was trying to be courteous. I’m amused if he even thinks that’ll erase all the confuckulations that he has brought to my life. Nia ma chow hai aa … I kept my cool nevertheless. *I must be gritting my teeth in reality right now…

“Rob ! what the fuck are you doing here ??”

“Can’t you see ? I’m a cook now…”

“A cook ? Last I heard you went off to China for some fucking management post… what happened ?”

“Well… things didn’t go as what I’ve expected and I ended up as a cook”

*chuckles* “It’s hard to believe you’re a motherfucking cook… You’re what ? Major in material science ? You should be analyzing rocks at some cursed tombs … not messing with our food …”

“I learnt how to cook at China.”

“Ok. Big deal. Errrmmmm… can you make me something ? I’m hungry”

“Anything for you, old friend”

“Make me a plate of General Tso’s Chicken…”

“I’m sorry ?”

“Chicken ? You know chicken ? The domesticated bird that can’t fly ? It’s asshole puckering like your mouth ?”

“I know chicken but … I don’t know how to make General Tso’s chicken…”

I was just testing him out. It wasn’t really about General Tso’s chicken that is so important. If fact, that’s actually a very ridiculous request at such banquet. But I managed to prove my point there.

“You’re a cook… for god’s sake… and you don’t fucking know how to make General Tso’s chicken ?? What do you know then ?”

“Ermmmm … how bout fried noodles ? I make kickass fried noodles…”

“And you call yourself a cook ?? So if I know how to change a flat tyre, I’d be a mechanic ??”

“Come on … do you really have insult me in public like this ?”

That snapped me. I grabbed a fork nearby and stabbed him on his collarbone. He immediately collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. I then gave him a hard kick at his ribs and I can hear a crack right out of it. By that time, I noticed that there’s already a crowd gathering around me … staring at me as if I’ve killed a defenseless old woman.

Of course, I was set to correct that misperception…

“PEOPLE ! This cook … [points at Rob], doesn’t know how to make General Tso’s Chicken. Heck, he don’t even know how to fry an egg ! He’s giving us human a bad name ! Even the chickens are ashamed of him !!!”

There’s a loud gasping sound reverberating across the crowd… and before I can even say another word to justify my violence, the next thing I know, the crowd was creaming his ass up like a lifeless pinata. And I don’t get to grace him another whack.

It was one of the sweetest dream I ever had.