Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

July 21, 2008

a bane to humanity

Elliot the fucking idiot – a bane to humanity.

Elliot: “Errr… Michael, may I borrow an external DVD-R from you?”

Michael: “External DVD-R?” (I was dumbfucked. This is like hearing him say that he wants his mom to have a poontang.)

Elliot: “Yes, an external DVD-ROM drive.”

Michael: “So do you want to borrow a DVD-ROM drive? Or a DVD-R media?”

Elliot: “I’m sorry, I meant a DVD-ROM drive”

Michael: “What do you want it for?”

Elliot: “I needed the CD-ROM drive to install an operating system for this notebook here…”

Michael: “Fuck you Elliot. A CD-ROM drive? I thought you said you wanted a DVD-ROM drive?? What the fuck do you want exactly??”

Elliot: “A DVD-ROM drive.”

Michael: “Do you even know the difference between the 3 commodities?? A DVD-ROM, DVD-R and CD-ROM? What kind of a dumbass are you??”

Elliot the fucking idiot, with a degree in Engineering, and a pursuant of MBA – doesn’t know the difference between a DVD-ROM, DVD-R media and a fucking CD-ROM drive. Motherfucker’s a disgrace to the profession… and a bane to humanity.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 13 Comments
April 16, 2008

peanut butter

The Company X cafeteria caterer has this odd way of charging its patron extra for mixed spreads of waffle pancakes. For example, if it’s one half butter spread with second half flavored spread (peanut butter, jam, honey, etc), it’ll be only RM1.50. But if both halves are with flavored spreads, an extra 30 cents will be charged, ergo RM1.80.

The cashier is located a distance away from the waffle counter, so in order to make the customized charging process work, Company X patrons are required to ‘declare’ their waffles at the cashier like it’s a fucking taxable commodity in each payout.

I was doing that yesterday, and following conversation transpired between myself and the cashier, who was a Malay lass in her fluorescent headscarf…

Me: “One waffle, with peanut butter and butter.”

Cashier: “I beg your pardon?”

Me: “One waffle, with peanut butter and butter.”

Cashier: “So you got 2 waffles there?”

Me: “No, I said ONE waffle, with one half peanut butter and the other half butter.”

Cashier: “Peanut butter?”

Me: “You have never heard of peanut butter before? Take a look at this then.” [shows her my waffle]

Cashier: [peeks into the brown paper bag] “Ooooohhhh, itu peanut.”

Me: “No, that is not a peanut if you can’t tell. That is called ‘peanut butter’. Spread made from peanuts.”

Cashier: “Ok ok.”

I’m surprised that there are people out there who has never heard of ‘peanut butter’ before. I wonder if she actually knows what a cheebye is. If she doesn’t, well then, I wouldn’t mind to point her to look into a mirror – itu lah, cheebye yang paling besar di dunia. Ada mata dan hidung pulak tu.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 5 Comments
March 18, 2008

chocolate sundae

I was at Mac’s to grab a quick lunch and was greeted by this Malay lady…

Lady server: “Hi sir, how may I help you?”

Me: “Yeah, one regular set of spicy chicken mcdeluxe and one chocolate sundae please.”

Lady server: “The Cornetto sundae?”

I wasn’t sure what was she asking.

Me: “What?”

Lady server: “which sundae do you want? the Cornetto sundae?”

It then seemed to me that she didn’t get my order right, so I repeated:

Me: “errm, no. I said chocolate sundae.”

Lady server: “The Cornetto chocolate sundae?”

Me: “No, just the normal chocolate sundae.”

Lady server: “No sir, I mean… are you asking for a Cornetto chocolate sundae? or just the normal chocolate sundae?”

Me: “That’s what I said, right?? The normal chocolate sundae? Is there any other way for me to say it??”

Lady server: “Ok ok I’m sorry sir. I got it.”

Hell, was that so fucking hard to understand?? I really can’t believe how stupid and ignorant some people can be.
If this is all about promoting a new product, I would say that was a real lame way of doing it, and not to mention annoying. I would have yelled at that lady if I wasn’t in my best of mood today…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 15 Comments
January 29, 2008

angpow

Mojo Jojo was looking for some light banter at work yesterday… but he picked the wrong target

Mojo Jojo : “Hey Michael! You’re married right? Shouldn’t you be distributing angpows?”

[If you don’t know what an angpow is, you ought to have your head forcefully shoved into the toilet bowl and flush… ]

I wasn’t in my fine mood, so I gave him this nasty look like I’m ready to slash his throat…

Mojo Jojo : “Where’s my angpow Michael? heheheh”

Me : “So you want an angpow huh?”

Mojo Jojo : “Of course!”

Me : “Ok. Come over here. I’ll give you an angpow.”

That was when his primordial caveman instinct hinted him that his life is in danger, and he began to show withdrawal symptoms… with the flinching and all that…

Mojo Jojo : “[gulp] No thanks… eheheh. I think I’ll just go back to work”

Me : “Don’t you want my angpow? Come here you fucker. I’ll give you your angpow. FIVE BUCKS!” [and I waved my palm in the air]

He then bolted off into his lab without bringing up the ‘angpow‘ topic again.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 6 Comments
July 26, 2007

what the… headscarf

I recall of a conversation I had with an affable Malay lady – whom I fondly call ‘Badak’ – at Company X many years ago…

Me : “Eh Badak, apasal you orang ni some ada pakai tudung dan some tadak pakai aa?”

Badak : “Tak compulsory lah. Tapi lebih baik pakai lar…”

She’s with a headscarf herself…

Me : “Apasal lar? Ni tudung-tudung ni… actually untuk apa lah?”

Badak : “Nak tutup aurat. Ni aurat tak boleh kasi lelaki bukan husband tengok.”

Me : “Urat tak boleh tengok? You mia kepala mana boleh nampak urat?”

Badak : “Auratttt, bukan uratttt. Aurat tu rambut lah. Tak boleh kasi you orang tengok rambut.”

Me : “Macam itu middle east mia orang? Depa tu cover dari kepala sampai ke kaki macam ninja lah. Tapi you orang perempuan Malaysia cover half kepala aje. Ni kenapa ni? Ni eyebrow, tangan, eyelash… ni semua pun rambut jugak kan?”

Badak : “Itu bulu… bukan rambut!”

I stared at her… and then said

Me : “Ohhh… rambut tak boleh tengok, tapi BULU boleh?”

She paused for a few seconds, processed what I had just uttered and broke into a jackass laugh

Badak : “HAHHAHHHHH! Kanneh you! KOTORRR!!”

Me : “Ni tak logik lar… rambut simpan tapi bulu tunjuk… happaraaaa…”

And she chased me over the production floor to give me an elbow…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 21 Comments