Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

January 5, 2009

chaos on the final days of work

It was the final 2 weeks of December, and all the managers were either on vacation, or on their scheduled ‘medical leave’. Our technician, Milkboy, was ranting about how stucked up his situation was, because he couldn’t find anyone to approve his forms…

Milkboy: “Fuck man, all the managers are out of office. Now how am I suppose to get these forms approved?? Sheesh”

Me: “Just get that XX department ‘Dickhead’ to approve your fucking forms. Don’t give yourself a bad excuse to shirk, you lazy bum.”

Milkboy: “This is so inconvenient.”

Me: “Well, you can propose to the management to give me the authorization to approve your forms. I reckon that would be convenient enough for you. But it wouldn’t be free though, for I’ll be charging 5 bucks per approval… the convenience comes at a price needless to say…”

Milkboy: “…” [dove into his pile of paperwork and STFU-ed]

Hell, 5 bucks per approval… that’s going to be convenient, for me. Come to think of it, this can be some idea to start a subcontract business for myself to the corporates. You know, everything is ‘subbed’ nowadays, why not a manager? For a much cheaper price of course. I’m going to sit in for managers to do their taxing paperwork (approvals, reviews, shits, you know… just mouse clicks anyway), while those assholes can go ahead to socialize with their ilks at golf courses to forge businesses, synergize or whatever… And of course, with the rising demand and orders pouring in, I can probably subcontract a second tier cheaper labor to cope with all the mounting work. Like, if I charge 2 bucks per approval for a form, I can subcontract to a Bangla to do it for 25% of the cost per job. In no time, I will be owning an empire of services that does all your asshole bosses’ seemingly brainless work, how about that? (yeah, you guys can then call me up for a drink if you need to get anything approved…)

And oh, I’ll name the subcontract company as ‘Perineum Inc.’ if that happens… (you know, perineum? an asshole’s best friend? Yeah. Classic.)

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 2 Comments
November 14, 2008

eccentric

I was having breakfast with a bunch of colleagues, and one of them asked me this :

Colleague : “Michael, let me ask you something. If there were to be a hot looking naked chick streaking past in front of you, how would you react to the situation?”

It didn’t take me more than a second to answer him,

Me : “Besides having a major hard on and slobbering all over? I’d probably go grab her tits and ass…”

I was exaggerating about the second part but, you get the idea…

Colleague : “Well, that’s what I’d do too. But not for Abe, apparently…”

Abe is another colleague of ours who is known to be an extreme idealist with a bloated sense of righteousness. That guy doesn’t drink (alcohol), meditates a gazillion times a week, reads religious texts and is a devout Buddhist – so it was said.

Colleague : “Do you know what was Abe’s response? He said he’d bury his face in his hands because he believes it is morally wrong to gaze at a woman’s naked body.”

I didn’t expect him to be this ‘lost’…

Me : “Morally wrong? What the fuck. If a girl doesn’t want you to see her naked, she’d be having some clothes on, right? Maybe he’s gotten too used to fapping in front of his monitor screen in private… or he’s just fucking with you…”

Guys (straight guys, that is…), as we have all known, are born to be pervs. Like, if we see a well endowed attractive girl bending down, we would hope to see a downblouse. And when we get to see down the girl’s blouse, we would in turn, hope to see her nipples pop out or something like that. It is pretty much like how the girls would go crazy with shoes and handbags. We’ve been like this since we humans got out of the caves.

Colleague : “No dude, I know Abe very well. He doesn’t fuck around with stuff like this. He was drop dead serious when he said that…”

Me : “Then that has got to be the most disturbing shit I’ve heard all year. Are you sure he’s not gay or something?”

Sorry, I can offer no logical explanation on why would any guy bury his face knowing that there is a hot naked chick right in front of him – probably with an intention of offering a head – other than being gay. That or, he’s just being eccentric for some reasons known only to himself – like maybe he had hurt himself pretty bad when he was a kid… or he’s into deeper kinky stuff that involves whips and colored candles…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 21 Comments
November 11, 2008

trivial conversation

Colleague : “I have a friend who is allergic to prawns, but not allergic to its soup”

Me : “No way, are you serious?”

Colleague : “Yeah. He won’t eat the prawns, but he’d be happy to hoover a bowl of Hokkien Mee anytime…” [Hokkien Mee is a noodle delicacy made of prawn soup]

Me : “I seriously doubt that. I think that’s not an allergy. I think it is more like a psychological aversion. So, what happens if he eats a prawn?”

Colleague : “He would puke violently.”

Me : “Nope. That’s not allergy in my dictionary.”

Colleague : “Well then, there has to be something that causes the puking…”

Me : “Psychological aversion dude. It’s the same feeling that I get when I see a fat housewife wearing tight fitting garments, exposing her massive love handles, and bits of dimpled fats oozing here and there. I’d feel like puking if I see that, but that doesn’t mean I’m having an allergy. I’m just having a psychological aversion.”

Colleague : “…”

My colleague’s stunned silence was a reassuring acknowledgment of that fact – that a human brain is indeed a very powerful thing. It could make everything unbelievable, believable.

So, to you ladies out there, if you think that by slapping on some tighter and sluttier clothes are going to enhance your look by multiple folds, it’s probably your brain that is fucking with you. If you’re fugly, you’d still be fugly no matter what you wear. Age gracefully, not disgracefully.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 11 Comments
October 8, 2008

a sensitive question

In the cafeteria,

Me : “Dollah, I nak tanya you satu sensitive punya soalan.”
[translation: “Dollah, I would like to ask you a rather sensitive question”]

Dollah : **looks at me**

Me : “Bila you orang puasa, you boleh macam ini ke?” **stretches out both of my fists to the front and shakes my body violently**
[translation: “When you guys fast (in the month of Ramadhan), are you allowed to have sex?”]

Dollah : “Heheh, malam boleh, tapi siang tak boleh.”
[translation: “Heheh, only at night, but not the daytime.”]

Me : “Goncang boleh?”
[translation: “What about jacking off?”]

Dollah : “Serupa juga.”
[translation: “Same restriction applies.”]

Me : “Tapi orang pun biasanya kongkek dan goncang malam juga, kan? I rasa ini bukan masalah besar.”
[translation: “But people usually have sex and masturbate during nightime, right? I don’t think this is a big problem at all.”]

Dollah : “Sebenarnya, kalau nak kongkek siang, boleh juga. Tapi kena ‘denda’ balik puasa 3 bulan.”
[translation: “Actually, it’s still permissible to have sex in the daytime. But one has to ‘compensate’ back with another 3 months’ fast for the violation.”]

Me : “Tapi kalau you kongkek diam diam, siapa tau?”
[translation: “But if you do it privately, nobody will find out, right?”]

Dollah : “Memanglah. Tapi ini diantara you dengan you punya Tuhan… you sendiri yang tau lah.”
[translation: “Of course. But this is between you and your God, so you know it yourself.”]

Me : “Oh, macam steady steady lah?”
[translation: “Oh, it’s like being a sport is it?”]

Dollah : “Ya.”
[translation: “Yes.”]

Me : “Kalau macam ni, sudah kongkek sekali, kenalah kongkek siang tiap tiap hari… sekali atau seribu kali, you kena puasa balik 3 bulan juga, kan?”
[translation: “That means, if you violated it once, you might as well have sex in the daytime for the rest of the duration. Have it one time or a thousand times, you have to compensate the 3 months fast anyway, right?”]

Dollah didn’t answer me and moved on to chat with the other guys about how Anwar’s going to take over the world. I don’t know if it’s for real but, if it is, then that goes on to show that whoever that wrote the rulebook for fasting in the month of Ramadhan, actually took into account of a possible emergency situation when a Muslim brother needed to have sex urgently. Talk about being flexible.

So the next time you see a fellow Muslim friend fasting for 3 months, ask him… “Was it good?”

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
September 16, 2008

paranoia

This was something that happened to my colleague, Blake…

Blake was returning from his business travel to India and he was going through the customary security check at the Indian airport. The Bhai officer scanned something of interest in his bag and asked to take a look inside. He obliged with the request and the officer opened his bag to retrieve an object. It was a brass elephant figurine he bought from a street peddler somewhere.

Officer: “Sir, may I ask you what is this?” [holding out the brass elephant figurine]

My friend, albeit nervous, managed to squeeze in a hint of sarcasm in his reply…

Blake: “What do you think this is? This is an elephant.”

Officer: “Why is there a hole under your elephant? Are you hiding drugs inside it?”

There was indeed a hole under the elephant. It wasn’t an anus or anything like that but, my guess was, a trivial product feature. Anyway,

Blake: “I have no idea why is there a hole under this elephant, I bought this thing off the street in [Indian town]”

Officer: “I don’t think this is an elephant. I think this could be a bomb!”

Blake: “Whoaa… whoaa… This is definitely not a bomb! This is just a brass figurine I bought off a street! You can keep it if you want, just let me board the plane!”

Officer: “No, no, we can’t keep it. This figurine belongs to you. We can’t simply take and keep other people’s belongings. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to have to copy down your details and contact, and then I’m going to let you go. But if anything were to happen to the plane, you’re going to hear from us, ok?”

Blake: “But if something were to happen to the plane, won’t I be dead already?”

It was somehow left unanswered but, that has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard… And of course, nothing happened to the plane.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 12 Comments