Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

October 19, 2009

miser

Ever since I ascended into my 30’s, parting with my money has been a bitter affair. Each time I am about to spend, I’d ask a lot of questions to get past my subconscious miserly alter ego. I was never like that.

I went to a shop the other day to inquire about my watch’s battery, and came upon that realization – how much of a jerk I can be sometimes…

Me: “Bro, you guys do battery replacement here for this watch?” [shows him my watch]

Bro: “Yes we do.”

The watch attendant was a short and smartly dressed middle aged man with mustache.

Me: “How much is it?”

Bro: “It’ll be 40 bucks.”

Me: “40 bucks? Any reason for it to be so expensive? I paid only 15 bucks the last replacement.”

Bro: “Oh, we use only original parts. Those 15 bucks batteries are usually from Japan. This is an original Tag Heuer Swiss made battery.”

Me: “You mean, a Tag Heuer battery?”

Bro: “Not really, but it is a Swiss made battery used in all brand new Tag Heuer watches. High quality stuff.”

Me: “High quality, huh… like how?”

Bro: “Errmm, it would last longer.”

Me: “How long? More than 5 years?”

Bro: “Errmm errrr…”

He couldn’t answer me because he wasn’t sure.

Me: “The 15 bucks Japan made battery lasted me 3 years, and it didn’t fuck my watch up, so I guess it is good enough. Why should I pay 40 bucks for something similar? Does this make any sense to you?”

His expression after than can be best described as ‘deer in headlights’ kind of expression. It’s like, somebody stretches out a nasty claw and grabbed him in the balls, and squeezed them till they go purple.

And then I reciprocated with a disgusted expression like he was trying to cheat an old woman, declined and peeled off.

Old age sucks.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
June 4, 2009

what’s that?

There is this senior engineer from our contractor company whom I loath. Let’s call him FatAss. FatAss knocked on my lab door yesterday. With him, was a rookie engineer under his care. I opened the lab door for them.

Me : “Yes FatAss, what do you want?”

FatAss : “Hi Michael. I was wondering if you can lend me your camera.”

He was pointing at our lab microscope when he was saying that. Confused, I clarified with him,

Me : “Excuse me? You said you wanted to borrow the camera?”

FatAss : “That’s right, the camera.” [points at microscope]

Imagine you instructing your maid to bring you a chair, and she brings you her personal butt plug instead. Yes, this is as bad as that. What more coming from a senior engineer.

Me : “That’s not a camera, FatAss.”

FatAss : “I’m sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean the camera. I meant the magnifying glass.” [points at microscope again]

Me : “A magnifying glass?? WTF! That’s not a magnifying glass either!”

FatAss : [looking confused]

Me : “You mean, you don’t fucking know what that thing is called??”

FatAss : “A magnifying glass right?”

Ladies and gentlemen, a senior engineer, who wants to show a rookie how to use a microscope, but doesn’t know what a microscope is called.

Me : “You’re hopeless, FatAss. That is NOT a magnifying glass. That’s a microscope you stupid fuck.”

FatAss : [blushes] “Oh… thanks for the enlightenment”.

I hope he can differentiate between a ground squirrel and his own mother.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
May 14, 2009

where is Mark?

A Malay lady made a quick stop by my office cube, to inquire the whereabouts of a colleague…

Malay lady : “Hi, Mark mana?”

Me : “Kat rumah.

Malay lady : “Kat rumah?”

Me : “Ya. Emak saya ada kat rumah.

Malay lady : [feet in the air]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 6 Comments
May 5, 2009

oh yeah

Me : “Wow, look at that. Smooth smooth, fair fair.”

Colleague : “Oh yeah.”

Me : “Her pubes must be very black. Accentuated by her glowing fair skin.”

Colleague : “Hahah yeah. Hey, check out that one.”

Me : “Oh, her. I bet that her’s is cleanly shaven. No hair.”

Colleague : “How would you know?”

Me : “Athletic maa. Active in sports maa. It’s gonna stink if too much hair, with all that sweat.”

Colleague : [chokes]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 12 Comments
May 4, 2009

I am goofy and I don’t even know it

You know, I heard from around that kids under 10 years and geriatrics over 50 years do not have the ability to detect sarcasm. I had the chance to put the theory to test today.

I was going through the Company X security checkpoint. The procedure’s like what they do at airports, put all your belongings in a basket, and walk through a metal detector. But after I put all my stuff in the basket, the housewife security guard in charge (of about retirement age) stared at me with a concerned look and mumbled something under her breath…

Housewife guard : “… wallet… . … ..”

Me : “I’m sorry, what did you just say about my wallet?”

Housewife guard : “I need you to flip open your wallet. We are conducting random checks.” [gestures to flip wallet]

She looked very serious when she said that. Her eyeballs were like popping out.

You see, the thing about my ‘wallet’ is – it isn’t really a wallet. It’s more like a credit card holder/case. It’s made of leather, about half the size of a conventional wallet, and it only has enough little slots to store a handful of cards. Nothing else. Very small.

And this guard, demanded me to flip open my ‘wallet’. Not the other guy’s big wallet (there was another guy there), but mine. I complied nevertheless.

Me : [flips open wallet]

Housewife guard : [stern look] “Ok, you may go.”

I then said this to her out of reflex when I was putting my stuff back in my pockets,

Me : “So, you suspected that I hid the company notebook computer inside my wallet huh?”

Anyone with half a brain would have figured that I was being sarcastic. But I overestimated her intelligence…

Housewife guard : “Nooooo, how could you fit a notebook computer into your wallet?? It’s too big, right??” [looks at me contemptibly and in disbelief]

She must have thought what a retard I was. Like, there’s no way one could fit in a notebook computer into a wallet, right? Even if that’s possible, it would have been a revolutionary feat… hmmppffff.

Well, at least I know this would give her a story to tell over dinner for many more seasons in her life… about a goofy engineer in her workplace who thought he could fit a notebook computer into his wallet. (ahhahaahh mahai)

Conclusion: Sarcasm don’t go down very well with AT LEAST ONE geriatric over 50 years of age, at Company X.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 2 Comments