Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

September 29, 2010

who’s the new guy?

I was having a group discussion with some of my co-workers, when a bubbly female character appeared out of nowhere and interrupted the session. After a few cheerful exchange of informal compliments with the members of the group, the afore said female character (let’s call her Chicken) then saw me and asked overtly,

Chicken: “So, who is this guy? A new employee?”

Feeling compelled to not look like a dork, I managed to pull a straight face and answered her curiosity myself,

Me: “I’m the new Vice President of this company.”

Chicken: “Hhyeah right, and I’m the CEO.”

Me: “You really shouldn’t say things like that to a VP.”

And then one of the guy team member decided to help out,

Guy member: “Hey Chicken, just look at his badge. He’s agent number 001…”

Chicken strained her eyes to look at my badge and I showed her my name ‘MICHAEL OOI’, emphasis on my surname…

Me: “Yeah, that’s my agent number – 001.”

Chicken: “Heyyyy how did you get the 3 numbers there? Are you a contract worker or something?”

Me: “That’s actually an indication of my position in this company”

That was when her look changed to ‘OMGWTFBBQ’ and started to freak out. Just when I was beginning to wonder how goddamn gullible a female can get, the rest of the team members started to laugh square at her face and one of them had to explain to her repeatedly that it was my surname.

Chicken: “Ohhhhh you mean all along he’s just bluffing me right?”

No shit sherlock, and she had to ask that last question to double confirm…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 12 Comments
June 24, 2010

KFC

At KFC with a friend. A fatass Malay lady was manning the counter,

Fatass: “Goodmorningsir howmayIhelpyou?”

Me: “Hi, I would like to have a….”

I wanted to order the KFC ‘Snack Plate’ set – which is a set of 2 piece chicken that comes with a regular sized soft drink – but I was cut off by that fast talking fatass Malay lady before I could even finish my order…

Fatass: “Havinghere or takeaway?”

Me: “Errr, having here… and…”

I wanted to continue my order, but was again cut off by that fatass Malay lady.

Fatass: “Original or spicy?”

Me: “Spicy. Errr… let me repeat my order…”

I attempted to order for the third time, and again, fatass Malay chick did not let me finish,

Fatass: “Any sideordersforyousir?”

That was when I snapped.

Me: “CAN YOU JUST LET ME ORDER GODDAMNIT??”

She was taken aback by my sudden display of hostility (probably didn’t even realize that I was pissed off) and for the first time, she allowed me to finish my order

Me: “Snack plate, spicy, having here, and a set of that cheese wedges there, got it??”

Fatass: “Wouldyoulike to have a drinkwiththat?”

Me: “Doesn’t your Snack Plate set come with a regular sized soft drink?? Did you hear my orders right??”

Fatass: “Well, that’s because we do serve 2 piece chickens without drinks.”

Me: “Then it wouldn’t be called a ‘Snack Plate’ set, would it?? Maybe you should just learn how to listen!”

If hitting someone for being stupid is legal, I would have pummeled that fatass Malay chick right there and then. Damn fucking waste of oxygen.

To give you an idea how fucking dumb this fatass Malay chick is, the friend who got served after me also had some stuck up with her. Apparently, she could not figure out the correct change for my friend after she was paid 20 bucks for a RM14.80 bill. She first used a calculator and then stood there looking utterly confused before bolting off to ask for a bailout from her manager. My friend was however, kind enough to holler at her the amount she should give back, which she immediately lighted up like a bulb and gave him the change.

Unbelievable, I know. People like her should be jobless. Or maybe take the place of the lab test animals in Penang or something.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 15 Comments
May 20, 2010

someone to count on

My colleague Milkboy approached me in my cube and asked me this

Milkboy : “You have any idea what’s our registered company name for our Shanghai office? I need to send something to someone urgently…”

Me : “Lemahpukicheebye”.

Milkboy : “Come on man, be serious. Do you know the name?”

Me : “It’s called lemahpukicheebye”.

Milkboy : [looks pissed]

Me : “Just fucking contact the recipient and ask him lah!”

Milkboy : [picks up the phone and calls the recipient]

Problem solved. Some people just have to ask.

FYI, ‘lemahpukicheebye’ roughly means your mom’s cunt in Hokkien (it’s actually just something very vulgar that doesn’t make much sense).

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 5 Comments
April 7, 2010

Jap kid

I have a precocious 6 year old half-Japanese neighbor who likes to talk to everyone like his best friend. My wife and I met him near the apartment elevator yesterday…

My wife: “Hi [Jap Kid], what are you doing?”

Jap kid: [excitedly] “Mai ney ber… kururu kuru ku kururuku”

I couldn’t make out a thing he said.

Me: “Your?”

Jap kid: “Mai ney ber… kuruku kururku kurku”

Still couldn’t make out a thing he said.

Me: “Your neighbor something?”

Jap kid: “Mai ney ber… kuruku kurku kuruku”

I was losing my patience.

Me: “Your neighbor’s name is Muruku?”

Jap kid: “No.. no… Mai ney ber… kuru kuru ku”

Me: “Oh your neighbor’s name is Muruku. Good… good!”

Jap kid: “No no no…”

And I went into the elevator. (My wife and daughter stayed around to play with him)

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 6 Comments
January 11, 2010

tits-first-die-later

Conversation took place in Company X cafeteria, without the presence of any female colleague…

Me : “So Hewey, tell me, are you a tit guy, or an ass guy?”

Hewey is a manager in Company X, married with children,

Hewey : “I like tits more. I’m not so much of a fan of asses. Just tits.”

Me : “Alright, you’re a total tit guy then. I’m kinda half half. I like both tits and ass. I think it is important that they complement each other well.”

Hewey : “It’s always the tits for me. The first thing that I check when I meet a female, are her tits. So to say, I meet the tits first, then only the person. Nothing else matters to me.”

That didn’t sound right to me.

Me : “Whoaa, wait a minute. You mean, you’d just indiscriminately ogle at tits without giving a damn about who that person is?”

Hewey : “Yeah. I don’t really care about the rest. Tits first, everything else later.”

Me : “No that’s not right. What if you see someone like Lim Ah Lian? It will be disastrous…”

Lim Ah Lian is a female clerk in Company X who weights about 500 pounds, with tits so massive that they could be used as a pair of jumbo jet wheel stops. She’s so seriously tragic that another colleague of mine named his Rottweiler after her…

Hewey : “I’d still look at the tits first.”

Me : “I don’t think that should be the way. A normal person would do a crude scan of the whole package first, you know, to see if the subject’s attractive or not, then only deep dive into her tits and ass. ”

Other colleagues nodded in approval. But Hewey was resolute in his tits-first-die-later approach…

Hewey : “Like I said, I don’t really care. Tits, then package.”

Well, what can I say, I guess every man has his own fetish, and Hewey’s happens to be huge mammary glands. I wished him luck after that and we moved on to another topic.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 1 Comment