Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

November 9, 2011

text message

Remember the Indon inspector from this post? She was terminated about a month ago. Her problem? Emo and shit. Had a row with her then scrawny Filipino boyfriend – who also happens to work in the same place – and didn’t show up at work for 4 times. She was asked to resign. Heard she cried like she lost an uterus the day she was kicked out. But not a single fuck was given that day. A few days ago, she sent me a text message (if you don’t understand shorthand Malay cum Indon language, well that’s too bad then):

Indon – “Hi Michael, apa kbr… sibuk ke?¿ Cem mna QA yg tu, OK tak… Heheee..”

The Indon was referring to a new QA Inspector who replaced her. Following exchange of text messages ensued.

Me – “Dia ok. you kerja mana sekarang? kilang selipar jepun?”

Indon – “Hahahaa… Michael ni la. I kje RbrtBocsh skrg.. QA tu lembab cem i ke?¿ ‘;'”

Me – “you lebih lembab lar. Lembab you tu, boleh tanam cendawan. haha”

Indon – “I rasa QA tu lbih lmbab, sbb Engneer dy pun sama Lmbab jg…”

Me – “I rasa you jealous kot? janganlah. cuba makan lebih nasi ayam.”

Indon – “What? Jelous… Untk apa jelous dgn dy, tak cantik pun. Biasa je. I rasa, Michael la yg jelous. Sbb i dah tak kje kat stu lg. Heheee…”

Me – “takpe lar, I tak minat you pun. I lebih minat makan nasi ayam.”

Indon – “Hahahaaa… Mkn tu Nasi Ayam bnyk2, biar muka Michl pun cem ayam…”

Me – “abang filipino you pun rupa macam ayam, you pun suka juga.”

Indon – “Tak de lah,, stop please talk about Him. We broke Up already…”

Me – “oh, tukar kerja, abang pun ikut tukar? steady lar.”

Indon – “Bkn cem tu… Sblm i resign, kita org mmg dah ptus.”

Me – “itu pasal lar you jadi lembab. memang penting utk ada disiplin kalau nak kerja. Moga you ok kerja kat Bosch. kilang yg baik tu.”

Indon – “Tu lah… I pun tak blh nak focus wat kje. So, drpd bnyk was ssah org lain, lbih baik i keluar. Y, moga i blh lbih baik lg dkt kilang ni. Ok Mchl, Good Luck 4 u. Tq.”

I didn’t like the way she spelled my name as ‘Mchl’ – sounded like Ma Chao Hai Lei…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 2 Comments
October 16, 2011

gatal

A Malay operator, who had been missing for weeks, came back to work the other day with spotty scars all over her face. Following conversation ensued:

*Note: The following conversation requires understanding of the Malay language. If you don’t, well, go read other blogs.

Me: “You ni kena chicken pox?”

Operator: “Ya, dah tak datang 2 minggu”

Me: “Saya dengar, orang dewasa kalau kena chicken pox tu, teruk. Betul ke?”

Operator: “Teruk jugak. Tengok bintik-bintik ni.” [shows scars on her face]

Me: “Gatal macam gila ke?”

Operator: “Tak lah. Tak gatal.”

Me: “Hmmm pelik. Mungkin you dah memang gatal, pasal tu lah, masa kena chicken pox, you tak rasa apa-apa. Depa cancel out each other.”

Operator: [nganga]

Me: [laughs loudly at her face]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 4 Comments
June 14, 2011

thermometer

A male colleague and I were having a guy talk in my workplace today. He was telling me how a friend of his married a hot ass Vietnamese graduate in Singapore. That was when I told him about my opinion on common stereotyping that is plaguing our society today

Me: “You know, I’m happy for your friend and all but, I’m afraid when people hear about someone hitching a Vietnamese wife, the first thing that comes to mind is usually ‘mail order bride’. Graduate or not. It’s sad, really.”

Colleague: “That is true.”

Me: “But on the other hand, if you hitch a white chick, everyone’s going to congratulate you like you’ve just earned a credit for your ancestor, even if the white chick’s a whore.”

Colleague: “Yeah man, white chicks are trash. Divorce is very common for them. Have you heard what happened to that ‘thermometer’ guy?”

Me: [confused] “I’m sorry, the thermometer guy? Who’s that?”

Colleague: “You don’t know the ‘thermometer’ guy? That guy, Anwar?”

Me: “No I don’t think I know him. Is he your supplier or something?”

Colleague: “You don’t know meh? The governor of California?”

That was when the picture of this guy came pouring in like a wall of tsunami, followed by a violent compulsion of wanting to hurl on him from the retch of laughing too hard.

Me: “HAHHH AGHAHHH HAAA *cough* HAAAAAAHHH! It’s TERMINATOR LAHHH you fuck!! AHAHHH!”

I almost died laughing.

I reckon if there’s an Anwar who stars in movie called ‘Thermometer’, the thermometer’s going to be the rectal type…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 7 Comments
April 28, 2011

I hurt someone’s feelings

A female colleague was hyping about the impending royal marriage between prince William and some chick during lunch at Company Y cafeteria…

Female colleague : “Prince William is going to get married tomorrow SQUEAL SQUEAL SQUEAL!”

Then she went on to remark how much the prince resembled his beautiful mother, Diana, and inherited the good looks.

Me : “No I think Harry’s better and tougher. William looks like a sissy. Besides, he is balding. Male pattern baldness. Not handsome anymore. Totally ugly.”

Coincidentally, there was this manager who sat just opposite me, who is balding, with male pattern baldness. I already uttered what I shouldn’t have said when I realized he was there. He was working on his lunch halfway, then slowly looked up at me – like he had been slapped by his own biological father – and just stared blankly at me.

I think I had hurt that guy’s feelings. Fuck me.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 4 Comments
April 12, 2011

wrong calling

A girl operator, who’s a friend of a QA inspector in my department, wanted to ask me if she could apply for a job opening that we have. But the thing is, it wasn’t me who was calling the shots on the hiring so, she was in for a little bit of unlucky that day…

Operator: “Michael, I was wondering if it is ok for me to apply for the QA inspector position in your department…”

Me: “I don’t know, why? Aren’t you happy with your job?”

Operator: “I was previously a QA inspector, I don’t like working as an operator here.”

Me: “But you aren’t impressive even as an operator…”

Operator: “Oh, but I can work long hours etc. and I have experiences in X-factory et al.”

She became quite serious after that.

Me: “Ok ok, the truth is, I’m not the one who’s hiring. I’m just fucking with you. But if it were to be me, I probably won’t give a crap if you’re really good. I’d just pick the prettiest candidate. Simple.”

Operator: “Prettiest candidate??”

Me: “Yeah. And from what I observed about you, if I have to accept your application with the shortcomings, you’d need to probably compensate with a lot of things like, washing the whole departments’ engineers’ cars, walk their dogs, mow their lawns, work extra long hours without OT, etc.”

Operator: *dumbfucked*

That’s my way of telling her that she’s shit fucking ugly without spelling out the words. She didn’t bother me again after that.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 3 Comments