Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

April 29, 2004

orang utan

We were casually discussing about allergies to seafood during our departmental lunch at a restaurant, when our manager threw out a question …

Manager : “Anybody allergic to rambutan?”

Me : “What the fuck?? Allergic to orang utan??? I didn’t know that they’re actually edible…”

Manager : “RAM-BU-TAN”

Me : “Ooh… ok. For a moment there, I thought you were really asking about orang utans… because there are definitely a lot of them in our company… ”

Colleagues : *Laugh like a hyena being sodomized by a jackass…*

It was a sarcastic joke of course. We all knew those orang utans that I was referring to, were the managers. But that lady manager didn’t get it.

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March 7, 2004

adventurous side effects

I did not have a good sleep last night after getting inebriated from an outing with friends. That was why I had this terrible hangover this morning. I could have slept through into the afternoon but I couldn’t as I was making myself obliged to watch that Formula 1 race on TV.

As I was watching the race with my half-sober mind, suddenly, a large object appeared out of nowhere blocking the TV. It was my mom.

“What happened to you? You look terrible”
“I looked the same mom.”

It is always a mistake to tell your mom that you’ve been drinking the previous night. I was exactly doing that same denial…

“You look sick. You need to go to the doctor”
“No I’m fine mom. You are blocking the TV”
“No, I seriously think you should go to the doctor.”

I actually puked too hard last night and had developed some tiny red spots around the rim of my eyes. Those spots were resulted from burst blood capillaries (or something like that, according to doc) when I strained too hard from the puking. I was trying in vain not to let my mom find out about my misadventure the night before.

“Look, mom, I’m fine. It’s nothing serious. Really”
“Look at the red spots around your eyes! I think you have measles!”
“No mom… I’m not having measles. It’s just that… spots… developed when I puked too hard last night..”
“You puked? Why did you puke?”
“Errr…. food poisoning I guess. Mom.. you are blocking the damn race”

And that was when Montoya attempted his stupid overtaking maneuver, which caused Jenson Button to mow a part of Melbourne circuit’s grassy lawn. My mom almost made me missed that.

“You know, you have to be careful… bla bla bla… grow up… bla bla”
“Mom! Can’t you do this later? I’m trying to watch some TV here.”
“bla bla bla”
“I’ll give you some money mom. Go buy yourself something and let me watch my TV… ok?”

I didn’t know why I said that. Probably still very blur from the hangover and deprivation of sleep. My mom let out a snigger and left me alone after that. I guess it didn’t take her very long to find out that her son still have some small amount of alcohol flowing inside his brain.

Right after the race, I told Emily that I “needed to solve some serious problem inside the toilet” — and puked again. I felt so lethargic after that… and crashed without regaining consciousness until 6pm today. That has got to be one of the worst hangover I’ve ever had in my life.

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February 25, 2004

fate

My colleague BigSnake recently had a crush on a girl. She is an accountant at my workplace, and apparently, is quite well known for her hot looks and totally awesome body.

When we were returning from our lunch today, BigSnake remarked about his unbelievably frequent encounter with that pretty accountant in an euphoric tone…

BigSnake : “I don’t know if this is just me, guys… but I noticed that I kept running into that Hot Accountant every morning. I mean, what are the odds? I have a feeling that this is more than just coincidence. Aren’t I lucky?”

Me : “So… are you implicating to us that it is FATE that is at work here?”

BigSnake : “If fate describes this the best, then yeah. I think this is a sign hinting that we are meant to be together”

He then stared upwards at the sky… as if he’s expecting something some snowflakes to fall down, but then I’m sure he just wanted to make the whole thing sound lofty.

Me : “Oh… pardon me but, are you saying that you think both of you are destined to be together, just because you noticed that you have been stumbling into her quite frequent recently?”

BigSnake : “YES.”

Me : “Then, what about those obese security guards stationed at the employee entrance? You stumble into them every morning as well… right?”

BigSnake : “No, that’s different.”

Me : “Why would it be different? Just because the guards are fatter and uglier, then FATE won’t pair you up with them?”

BigSnake : “I think you’re just jealous.”

Me : “I stumble into my neighbor’s maid every morning… does that mean both of us are meant to be together?”

BigSnake : “Aiyaa… both of you live at the same area maaa… for sure the chance of stumbling into each other will be higher.”

Me : “Well, aren’t you and Hot Accountant working in the same building? Doesn’t that make a higher chance to stumble into each other?”

BigSnake : “…”

Bull’s eye.

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February 20, 2004

blackie the sohai

BigSnake just came back from a 1 week assignment in Vietnam-Thailand. He was talking about his experience during our lunch today :

BigSnake : “The Thai’s are pirates! They always sell their wares at cut-throat prices! I bought a fucking fridge magnet for 17 bucks… and later to find out that it actually costs 3 bucks at another place!”

Blackie : “Why buy fridge magnets?”

BigSnake : “It was a request from someone…”

Blackie : “Your friend?”

BigSnake : “Yeah… Angela from Sales… if you know her…”

Blackie : “Male or female?”

BigSnake paused for about 3 – 4 seconds,

BigSnake : “What the fuck is wrong with you?? Have you heard of any guy named Angela in your life before??”

And we all laughed at Blackie’s ass in a disrespectful manner…

That was obviously a boner. I wonder what is he going to ask next… “Is your mom a guy?” What the fuck indeed.

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February 17, 2004

caveman logic

When I was on my way to the kitchen, my mom suddenly jumped out of nowhere and scared the shit out of me. She complained that her mobile phone wouldn’t power up. Well, when she told me that, it was understandable for me that she actually meant – “can you fix my goddamn phone? or buy me a new one?”.

You see, my work usually involves technical stuffs like figuring out why notebook computers aren’t working the way they are supposed to work … so, a mobile phone shouldn’t be that much of a problem for me.

Me : **briefly looks at the phone** “Hmm… did you charge your battery?”

Mom : “Yes… I did.”

Me : “In that case, either your battery or your charging circuit has croaked.”

Mom : “Whatever… so, can you fix it? I once had this same problem before, but after reinserting the battery, it became fine.”

Me : “Hmmm… then this could be due to bad contacts… Let me see…”

And then, I proceeded to bent one of the pins to get a better contact to the battery – but still, it won’t power up. Then, I tried to tilt the battery in an angle to have it directly shorted to the pin – still, it wouldn’t power up. I had to conclude that the problem was due to the defective internal circuit…

Me : “Mom… I think you may need to send your phone for repair or something.”

Emily : **shouting from inside the bedroom** “Dear! Just smack it!”

Me : “Smack it? Why would I want to do that?”

Emily : **shouting from inside the bedroom** “Just do it dear”

And I proceeded to give the phone the biggest smack with my palm. And it worked fine after that.

Lesson learnt : A solution doesn’t always come in proper form.

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