Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

December 19, 2004

fengshui fever (take 2)

My mom was sneaking around discreetly, with something hidden behind her back. I caught her

Me : “Mom, that thing’s gonna end up inside the garbage bin if you put it anywhere in my room…”

Mom : “What what waht? This is for your own good!”

Me : “Mom, I have warned you…”

Mom : “This thing costs over 30 bucks, ok? You can’t just throw it away”

Me : “I couldn’t have cared less. It’s gonna end up in the garbage bin. Period.”

Mom : “If you throw it into the garbage bin, I’m gonna kick your ass…”

Me : “!?”

Look what has fengshui done to my mom. What next? Crashing furniture on my head?

No wonder we’re having so much domestic violence nowadays.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 17 Comments
December 14, 2004

naming a place

*this is what happened when 2 guys with poor knowledge of “sejarah” get together… happened last Saturday..

As Lorraine rolled into the street of Melaka, Ronnie quipped to me :

“Parameswara dude. You remember that name?”
“Yeah, the guy who founded Melaka”
“Pada suatu hari… Parameswara makan pisang. hahah ! kanneh !”

[I made the pisang part out, I actually forgot what Ronnie said]

“He named it after the tree which he was resting under…” – I told Ronnie.
“Melaka tree huh ?”
“Yep, a Melaka tree. Damn stupid I tell you”
“No doubt a very ridiculous way to name a place”
“I wonder if it would still be Melaka if he happened to sit beside a big cactus plant instead…”
“Hahah… no, the state would be named as Kaktus”
“Hahahah… no shit…”
“Selamat Datang ke Kaktus !”

And we proceeded to purge our tears and phlegm laughing out loud… nearly blacked out.

Come to think of it, if a person names a place after the object he sits under, there could be many unimaginable consequences…

Under a durian tree = Negeri Durian
Under a lamp post = Negeri Tiang Lampu
Under a skirt = Negeri Seluar Dalam / Apom Bulu

Aren’t we lucky that there weren’t so many variety of objects back then?

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 17 Comments
December 7, 2004

cultural clash

I had this conversation with Keith inside my car, on our way home from work…

Keith : “You don’t have titty bars here, do you?”

Me : “Titty bars are illegal here.”

Keith : “Serious?”

Me : “Yes. We don’t have strippers club nor any titty bars here. Hell, even tits and kisses are censored on tv…”

Keith : “Damn, what’s legal here then?”

Me : “Whatever… but our country’s peaceful. We don’t have tornadoes, blizzards nor any motherfucking scary stuff here”

Keith : “Not even typhoon?”

Me : “Nope. It is summer all year long, save for a couple months of really shitty rainy weather”

Keith : “And I heard it’s death sentence here for possessing drugs?”

Me : “Sort of.”

Keith : “Man… no titty bars, expensive alcohol, no trucks, no drugs, no porn, hell, I don’t want to live here…”

Me : “Nothing’s perfect, bitch”

Keith : “What about Harleys? I’ve never seen any here”

Me : “A Harley has to be imported I think. Probably costs more than a hundred grand. And that’s not even a chopper”

Keith : “I ain’t paying that amount of money for a Harley …”

Me : “Yeah, might as well get a car or something”

Keith : “You know, there was this American I met last night who told me that he went to a club somewhere, where he got to dance with a girl for 400 bucks”

Me : “400 hundred bucks just to dance with a girl??”

Keith : “Yeah, and he gets to feel all over her.”

Me : “I ain’t paying 400 bucks to feel some girls… I think that guy got ripped off”

Keith : “Yeah, for 400 bucks, I’m screwing the girl.”

Me : “For 400 bucks, you’re screwing TWO girls!”

Keith : “You know, just before I came here, my wife picked up a stripper… and I screwed her…”

Me : “So, how much does that cost?”

Keith : “My wife picked her up on the way home”

Me : “Yeah, but how much?”

Keith : “What do you mean how much? She picked her up, it’s free!”

Me : “For free?? Wow! Why would she want to do that?”

Keith : “She likes my wife. And I screwed her while she screws my wife… ”

Me : [dumbfucked]

I met his wife before – a blonde with blue eyes, with a slightly large frame … and seriously, with that madcap behavior, I think he’s for real.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 17 Comments
November 2, 2004

this morning

Ong is one of my colleagues. He was telling us about the dangers of a dog bite this morning.

Ong : “You know, a dog’s saliva contain some sort of bacteria that could cause severe infection.”

Me : “Oh… ok.”

Ong : “Yeah, could even kill a person if it wasn’t treated properly”

Well, I don’t know if a dog bite could actually kill a person but, it’s kind of interesting to talk about the analogy of a bite.

Me : “Dude, you don’t happen to be talking about some Komodo Dragon… do you?”

Ong : “No man… serious…”

Me : “Well, I guess that’s why dog bite victims go for tetanus shots… ”

Ong : “Hell yeah. Dogs eat filthy stuffs and their mouth is a paradise of bacteria…”

Me : “I wonder if we should get a tetanus shot if we happen to be bitten by a housewife..”

Ong : “I’m not too sure about housewives but…”

Me : “You know… they are known to put lots of ridiculously filthy stuffs in their mouth… dehydrated prunes, plums, dilapidated old men’s dicks…”

Ong : [tears rolling down his cheeks from laughing too hard] “Couldn’t agree more man .. ” [/tears]

Me : “Their mouth could be as filthy as any canine’s mouth. Just figure it out with their bad breath, ugh..”

Ong : [still not capable to make any speech]

Me : “Who knows? A housewife’s bite could be so lethal that tetanus won’t do you any good. You’ll die in say… a couple of minutes… bloody fuck.”

Ong : [he looked as if he was bitten by a housewife]

Me : “Don’t be too comfortable. Things that don’t happen to you, does not mean it doesn’t exist. ”

And I continued to bluff out the most ridiculous tale about the dangers of housewives, and then laughed like a sick fuck with the rest of my colleagues… later to only discover that my director was sitting right a few feet away laughing with us.

We bailed the table immediately in silence – leaving the director alone.

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October 19, 2004

animal science

My colleagues and I were chatting about some animal science this morning during our breakfast.

Elbee : “You know… there’s a type of poisonous giant lizard that dwells in some island near Australia…”

Me : “Oh I’ve heard of it… I don’t think it’s in Australia. If I’m not mistaken, it’s near some volcanic island in Indonesia.”

Pirate : “Yeah yeah. I heard that its drool contain some nasty bacteria that could kill any living organism they happen to bite”

Me : “That is one badass lizard. Damn, I can’t remember what it’s called… Ko something…”

Pirate : “Ko… Kodo… something… damn, I can’t remember either…”

Elbee : “Monitor lizard ?”

Me : “No… it starts with the letter K… Kodo… ”

Pirate : “Kodo…. Kodomo !”

Me : “Yeah… yeah… fuck… that’s it! Kodomo!”

I thought I got the word. But somehow, out of my addled mind, I could not control what I wanted to say. I wanted to say ‘Kodomo Dragon’, but my mouth uttered

Me : “KODOMO LION !”

Silence.

Pirate : “Hey, that didn’t sound right… Kodomo Lion’s a toothpaste, right?”

And we all laughed till black out. I just had a Freudian slip. I could only imagine how retarded I’d look jumping up and down in a jovial manner, while jabbering the corny kindergarten toothpaste brand name.

The lizard’s actually called ‘Komodo Dragon’ – a distant relative of my ex-boss Rob. They are super poisonous, extremely dangerous, love to play badminton and also a bunch of avid stamp collectors…

If you believed that, then seriously, you should use Kodomo Lion toothpaste. I’ll be a zoologist right now if I know shit about some exotic species of lizards. All I know about ‘Komodo Dragon’ is – it’s nastier than the nastiest mother in law, and it bites like a bitch. If you see any around, just get the hell out from the area as soon as possible. If you have a gun, shoot it before you run. (no, those insecticides, firecrackers, cream detergent, etc won’t work on this four legged behemoth cicak).

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