Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

May 18, 2006

who knows?

I called Jude on her cellphone earlier yesterday over some factory matters, but my call went unanswered. Much later in the afternoon, she popped her head over my cube to inquire about that call.

Jude : “Michael, you called me on my cellphone?”

Me : “Yes I did. But it went unanswered. I already settled the matter myself.”

Jude : “Oh sorry, I left my phone in my drawer, didn’t bring it into the production floor”

Me : “You should have brought along your cellphone wherever you go. That’s what cellphones are for.”

Jude : “I forgot… ok?”

Me: “Now what if there are ACTUALLY guys calling you up on your cellphone to date you?”

Jude : “There won’t be any…”

Me : “Who knows? There are a lot of blind men in this world…”

A moment of silence…

Jude : “Can’t you just spare me a little bit of dignity???? Just a littttle bitttt????????”

Honestly, that was unintentional…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 19 Comments
February 25, 2006

million dollar question

It was close to 5pm on Friday. Almost the entire office floor was deserted and I was the last few ones to leave. As I was lugging my notebook bag to bail the office, I stumbled into my colleague Asstee, who was on his way to do something unimportant, as usual.

“Leaving?”

He was attempting to start a conversation…

“No I am going to work.”

“Go fuck yourself lah.”

“So, you know that I was leaving… then why ask? You stupid or something?”

“Don’t be so cocky, ok? I was just asking”

“You could have asked something more intelligent”

“I didn’t know you were leaving. I didn’t see your bag…”

“You’re quite a dick huh? Trying to justify your boner?”

“That’s how it should be. One must at least try to bend something crooked back to straight”

“It’s not working. I still think you’re stupid”

And he indeed is. Like I said, he could have started off with something better. Like-

– “How are you?”
– “What’s your plan for the weekend?”
– “Can you fuck my girlfriend? She’s hot.”

But no. Instead of those, he chose to ask that million dollar question (seeing me with my bags and shits) – “Leaving?”.

And now you know why people hate me for the wrongest reason – to be too bluntly frank like that. Maybe I should just answer him with a fart next time to avoid any conflicts – as he’ll just leave upon catching that foul stench of my flatulence…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 13 Comments
January 25, 2006

random conversation

Remember my American friend Keith? Well, he’s in town.

*****

Keith : [sees a Kenari] “Is that a car?”

Me : “Hehehehh it’s a car alright. Small car”

Keith : “You call that a car?”

Me : “Hehehh, toy car for you”

You see, Keith is biggggg. Very BIG. That’s why the prejudice against smaller automobiles.

Keith : [turns to my friend Rod] “Is your car that small?”

He was supposed to hitch on Rod’s car for lunch, as I have another lunch appointment to attend

Rod : “No no… it’s a little bigger.”

Keith : “OK. Michael, if his car is that small, I’m gonna kick your ass for that”

Well, he didn’t get to. He fits into an Iswara nicely – after retracting and reclining the side passenger seat to the furthest extend.

*****

Me : “That data analyst from Japan is cute”

Keith : “Yeah, she’s a home-x” [I kinda forgot what he said, it was an American slang, so I put x instead]

Me : “Home-x? What’s that?”

Keith : “You know? Like she’s not really pretty but good looking enough for you to keep at home?”

Me : “Ahhh ok ok. Wife material”

Keith : “Hhyeah! Wife material”

Me : “Those that are only good for humping, reproducing and cleaning our mess up”

Keith : “Hhyeah!”

*****

Keith : “You know, we always have this habit of saying ‘wear-it!’ whenever we see a hot chick”

Me : “It’s a slang?”

Keith : “Yeah it’s a slang. Just the other day I was uttering ‘wear-it’, got some of them asking me what is it”

Me : “Why ‘wear-it’?”

Keith : “You know when you spray some baby-batters on them?”

Me : “I’m sorry, did you say baby-something?”

Keith : “Yeah, baby-batter”

Me : “Batter as in b-a-t-t-e-r?”

Keith : “Yeah baby-batter.”

Me : “Hahahh! Got it. So… you’re saying when we’re unloading our sperms all over them?”

Keith : “Yes, unloading all over them. Then they’ll have to walk to the bathroom to clean themselves up.”

Me : “But, why ‘wear-it’?”

Keith : “Coz they’re like wearing those sperms on them hehehheh”

And we laughed like jackasses in the office.

*****

Keith : “Mike, do you know why god created women?”

Me : “No, why?”

Keith : “Coz somebody has to carry the sperm to the toilet!”

Me : “Hahahhh that’s cruel”

Keith : “And do you know why god made them bleed?”

Me : “I don’t know. You tell me.”

Keith : “Coz they fucking deserve it!”

Me : “You’re fucking sick dude!”

*****

Keith : “Mannnn China is terrible. Once I got myself a cab, there were 5 girls jumping up with me on it… and they weren’t even hookers!”

Me : “Why did they do that?”

Keith : “They just wanted American boyfriends.”

Me : “Well, at least that’s better than 5 guys jumping on the cab with you, right?”

Keith : “Heheh yeah. If those were guys, I guess I’m gonna just punch them …”

*****

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
January 17, 2006

spot the hot

Me : “That girl is sure hot”

John : “Which one of them?”

Me : “Man! What the fuck is wrong with you????”

*It takes approximately an IQ level of a sack of potatoes to fully comprehend the short entry above.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 14 Comments
December 19, 2005

noodle or tomyam?

Emily and I was in this renowned cheesecake bistro again the other day, to have our dinner. A Malay lad came to take our order. I was eyeing on a particular item labeled as “Noodle In TomYam Kung”.

Me : “I would like to have this tomyam noodle here” [pointing at the item in menu]

Waiter : “I’m sorry sir, would you like to have the noodle itself or the tomyam kung?”

I gaped at him for a short moment there…

Me : “What do you think? The item here says ‘Noodle In TomYam Kung’… I guess I’ll have everything that comes with it…”

Waiter : [gives me a sheepish smile and bolts off]

I didn’t know that our food are sub-itemized. So, should I custom order my food by reciting the whole goddamn length of ingredients next?

Is being stupid a prerequisite to adapt oneself well in the society? If yes, somebody fucking kill me with a cheesecake please.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments