Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

November 14, 2017

panic mode

I was driving cross state to a wedding dinner with a colleague, when my phone rang in the car. I have one of those bluetooth rig ups which I can speak through my car’s audio system totally handsfree. I answered the call, it was from my wife Emily.

Emily: [panic] “Oh shit dear! I forgot to bring out my key! What should I do? Shit shit shit”

She was out before I left the house, and she forgot her house keys. I was just beginning a 1.5 hours journey, it could be at least another 3 hours before I could get home. That was why she was in panic mode. When she’s in panic mode, the physics of this world will make no sense to her.

Me: “Relax dear. I’m on the speakerphone with my colleague. I guess there’s nothing I can do for you now, as I’m already on the highway. I can’t turn back. Can you just hang out at one of your friends’ till I get home?”

Emily: [panic] “Oh shit oh shit can I just break the locks with a hammer or something??”

Me: “Calm down. I’m on the speakerphone with my colleague. Don’t break the lock please. Just go to your friend’s house, ok?”

Emily: [panic] “Maybe I can fashion a long stick to hook out my bag or maybe… maybe…” [+ some Wile E. Coyote ideas]

Me: “No that won’t work. Just calm down. I’ll be back by 11pm, I’ll try to bail the dinner earlier, ok?”

Emily: [panic] “Ok ok” [hung up]

I turned to look at my colleague. He had a look of silent understanding while looking down at the car mat… most likely thinking “here’s a moment of silence for another of our fallen comrade…”. We never talked about what happened throughout the night.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us, dialogs  | Comments Off
September 15, 2017

how to appreciate your father

My 11 year old daughter Regine came to me about something in her BeeEm homework, I was busy reading a book on the bed.

Regine: “Daddy, what are the examples of ‘menghargai jasa ayah’?”

‘Menghargai jasa ayah’ means to show appreciation for your father’s contribution.

Me: “You can give him a hug… or maybe a gift…”

Regine: “What other examples? I need more examples”

Me: “Leave him alone…”

She got the message and left me alone. I knew she’s a smart one.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us, dialogs  | Comments Off
March 16, 2017

anneh cashier 2

I stumbled into the same anneh cashier again today at Company T cafeteria.

Cashier: *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM2.70 please.”

Me: *tendered RM3*

Cashier: *Gives back RM0.70*

Me: *looks at anneh cashier, palm with coins still holding out for him to see…*

Cashier: *looks back at me with WTF look*

Me: *looks at my palm with the 70 cents*

Cashier: *looks at my palm with 70 cents, still clueless*

I had to give him the audio feedback…

Me: “Friend, the amount was RM2.70… I gave you RM3.00… how much change should you give me back?”

Cashier: *still clueless*

Me: “30 cents! Right?”

Cashier: “Oh yaya sorry sorry”

Ohne savadi keporleh…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
March 13, 2017

anneh cashier

Company T cafeteria, where all shit converge and dumbasses collide. It was lunch time, and I was served by this young Indian guy cashier who looked like he wanted to be a nail salon operator when he grew up.

Cashier: *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM6.50 please.”

Me: “The cafe owes me 80 cents from the breakfast this morning. Can you please deduct?”

Cashier: “So I just minus 80 cents from your total, right?” *wobbles his head*

Me: “That’s right.”

Cashier: *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM7.30 please.”

Me: “No no… you’re supposed to minus, not add. The cafe owes me, not the other way round.”

Cashier: “Oh, I’m sorry…” *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM7.30 please.”

Me: [WTFBBQ!] “Are you for real?? What did I just told you!?”

The cashier guy was startled, because he did not expect that reaction from me, and he started to say something incoherent…

Cashier: “Ermm… I’m sorry… where did you get that piece of chicken? From the front?”

Me: “Yes from the front. But what has that got to do with this??”

He fiddled the register for a short moment, and then he said this:

Cashier: “Sorry, it should be RM5.30″

And that’s still the wrong amount. I gave the dolt RM6 to be done with and he gave me back the RM1. o__O”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t inherit the chettiar genes from his ancestors…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
October 2, 2016

pious Muslim bloke

A single Muslim colleague, who is from outstation, is renting an apartment in Penang. I don’t know about you guys but for me, being single and renting beckons for an interesting icebreaking conversation… which is what I was trying to do…

Me: “So… Sohaimi, I heard you’re renting. So do you have female housemates? Or all blokes?”

Sohaimi: “In Islam, it is forbidden for unmarried guys to be living in the same house with females.” *smiles*

Me: “What about when you bring home your girlfriend? Those guys have to make themselves scarce?”

Sohaimi: “I do not have a girlfriend. It’s forbidden to bring them home, even if I have one.”

He was saying as if it was forbidden for him to have a girlfriend.

Me: “And do you watch porn? or play games?”

Sohaimi: “I’m not into games and porn is ‘haram’ in Islam”

Me: “You don’t have a girlfriend, don’t have female housemates, you don’t play games. So what do you do? Watch movies at home?”

Sohaimi: “Yes, I do watch movies. I like watching movies.”

Me: “So you must have shitloads of original bluray discs at home.”

Sohaimi: “No, not blurays. Why blurays? I download my movies, via bittorrent.”

Me: “Don’t you know that downloading via bittorrent is illegal and is widely regarded as a form of larceny? I’m pretty sure stealing is ‘haram’ in Islam.”

Sohaimi: “Oh hahah that one is ok.”

*dumbfucked*

Adik-adik sekalian, if you want to be pious, go all the way lah. Illegal software / movie download is a form of theft, and if those traditional Sharia laws were to be enforced, Sohaimi should have his mouse clicking hand hacked off with a blunt machete for taking something he didn’t pay for. I really don’t understand how this kind of reasoning works on some people.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off