Archive for the ‘dialogs’ Category

March 16, 2017

anneh cashier 2

I stumbled into the same anneh cashier again today at Company T cafeteria.

Cashier: *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM2.70 please.”

Me: *tendered RM3*

Cashier: *Gives back RM0.70*

Me: *looks at anneh cashier, palm with coins still holding out for him to see…*

Cashier: *looks back at me with WTF look*

Me: *looks at my palm with the 70 cents*

Cashier: *looks at my palm with 70 cents, still clueless*

I had to give him the audio feedback…

Me: “Friend, the amount was RM2.70… I gave you RM3.00… how much change should you give me back?”

Cashier: *still clueless*

Me: “30 cents! Right?”

Cashier: “Oh yaya sorry sorry”

Ohne savadi keporleh…

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March 13, 2017

anneh cashier

Company T cafeteria, where all shit converge and dumbasses collide. It was lunch time, and I was served by this young Indian guy cashier who looked like he wanted to be a nail salon operator when he grew up.

Cashier: *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM6.50 please.”

Me: “The cafe owes me 80 cents from the breakfast this morning. Can you please deduct?”

Cashier: “So I just minus 80 cents from your total, right?” *wobbles his head*

Me: “That’s right.”

Cashier: *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM7.30 please.”

Me: “No no… you’re supposed to minus, not add. The cafe owes me, not the other way round.”

Cashier: “Oh, I’m sorry…” *punch punch punch register* “That’ll be RM7.30 please.”

Me: [WTFBBQ!] “Are you for real?? What did I just told you!?”

The cashier guy was startled, because he did not expect that reaction from me, and he started to say something incoherent…

Cashier: “Ermm… I’m sorry… where did you get that piece of chicken? From the front?”

Me: “Yes from the front. But what has that got to do with this??”

He fiddled the register for a short moment, and then he said this:

Cashier: “Sorry, it should be RM5.30″

And that’s still the wrong amount. I gave the dolt RM6 to be done with and he gave me back the RM1. o__O”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t inherit the chettiar genes from his ancestors…

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October 2, 2016

pious Muslim bloke

A single Muslim colleague, who is from outstation, is renting an apartment in Penang. I don’t know about you guys but for me, being single and renting beckons for an interesting icebreaking conversation… which is what I was trying to do…

Me: “So… Sohaimi, I heard you’re renting. So do you have female housemates? Or all blokes?”

Sohaimi: “In Islam, it is forbidden for unmarried guys to be living in the same house with females.” *smiles*

Me: “What about when you bring home your girlfriend? Those guys have to make themselves scarce?”

Sohaimi: “I do not have a girlfriend. It’s forbidden to bring them home, even if I have one.”

He was saying as if it was forbidden for him to have a girlfriend.

Me: “And do you watch porn? or play games?”

Sohaimi: “I’m not into games and porn is ‘haram’ in Islam”

Me: “You don’t have a girlfriend, don’t have female housemates, you don’t play games. So what do you do? Watch movies at home?”

Sohaimi: “Yes, I do watch movies. I like watching movies.”

Me: “So you must have shitloads of original bluray discs at home.”

Sohaimi: “No, not blurays. Why blurays? I download my movies, via bittorrent.”

Me: “Don’t you know that downloading via bittorrent is illegal and is widely regarded as a form of larceny? I’m pretty sure stealing is ‘haram’ in Islam.”

Sohaimi: “Oh hahah that one is ok.”

*dumbfucked*

Adik-adik sekalian, if you want to be pious, go all the way lah. Illegal software / movie download is a form of theft, and if those traditional Sharia laws were to be enforced, Sohaimi should have his mouse clicking hand hacked off with a blunt machete for taking something he didn’t pay for. I really don’t understand how this kind of reasoning works on some people.

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October 19, 2015

dickface

Have you ever seen a stranger and immediately the word ‘dickface’ (lan yong – in Cantonese) pops up in your head? I was at the cafĂ© the other day, and saw this guy, with a dyed shit brown hair. And immediately, my mind pulled out the word ‘dickface’, and it reminded me of my college mate Jason. (I’ve written about him here sometime ago).

It was a quasi confession / bonding episode for Jason, and totally weird for me. It was a dialog that came out of nowhere…

Jason: “Dude, sometimes I look into the mirror, I can’t help but think, what a dickface I am.”

For the record, guys don’t do shit like that. We don’t do confession stuff. It’s gay. This is totally uncalled for.

Me: [silence]

Jason: “I’m such a dickface, not only I can’t get the girls, they probably hate me too. Makes me rage when I look into the mirror.”

Me: [silence]

Jason: “Do you think I have a dickface? Just wanted an honest opinion…”

Me: “What do you want me to say? You should stop that. It’s gay. Grow some balls and get over it, ok?”

For the record, he doesn’t really look like a dickface. I’d consider him mediocre looking for a Chinese bloke. A little hint of Jack Black in him, with a bigger jowl, and maybe a little bit of retardation in his looks. Dickface? Never crossed my mind (well, probably it’s because he’s my friend).

Jason: “It’s alright man, I understand. It’s hard to call someone a dickface. I appreciate your discretion.”

So the term ‘dickface’ kinda stuck with him. As in, whenever I see some dickface, or hear the term ‘dickface’, I’d think of him. In an ironic sense, he kind of inadvertently associated the word ‘dickface’ to himself.

When I saw the dickface with dyed shit brown hair in the cafe, it reminded me of Jason, and I wondered how is he doing now.

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August 17, 2015

mehfis

I was at McDonald’s. My daughter wanted a Happy Meal with Filet-O-Fish. So I ordered one.

Me: “Happy Meal with Filet-O-Fish”.

The guy at the counter with a lisp and heavy Malay accent, then asked me this…

Lispy guy: “Mehfis?”

Me: “I’m sorry, come again?”

Lispy guy: “Mehfis?” [smiles]

Me: “Errm, can you repeat that again?”

Lispy guy: “Mehfis. Mehfis?” [smiles]

Me: “You said ‘mehfis’?”

Lispy guy: “Yes, mehfis. Do you mean mehfis?”

Me: “I’m sorry bang, I tak faham apa tu mehfis. Boleh explain tak?” [translation: I’m sorry bro, I don’t know what is a ‘mehfis’, do you care to explain a bit?]

Then that fucker walked under the lighted display board menu, and pointed to an item called “McFish”. I then went:

Me: “OHHHHH MCFISH!”

Happy Meal doesn’t come with Filet-O-Fish anymore, it comes with McFish now. I have not heard of a McFish before, or know the difference between that thing and a Filet-O-Fish. The only fish burger I know is Filet-O-Fish. I didn’t make a fuss about it since they’re all the same crap anyway, so I okay-ed him to put a ‘Mehfis’ into my kid’s goddamn Happy Meal.

Later when my kid got her ‘Mehfis’, I kinda opened up the burger to check it out – it appears that the difference is only missing a dollop of tartar sauce or mayo, and some greens – it’s essentially just a shittier version of the already shitty Filet-O-Fish. Mehfis, ladies and gentlemen.

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