That was what I had at Pizza Hut. Pizza Sambal something something. Couldn’t register the name but it wasn’t important. What’s more important - is that this pizza sucks donkey cock. It’s the most awful pizza I’ve ever had in my life.

I should have known it when the waitress told me I can’t upgrade this pizza (sambal something something) to ’stuffed crust’ (as I usually would). Like, what kind of a pizza is it that does not allow us to add extra cheese? I didn’t give much thought about that because I haven’t been very sane ever since Regine was born so, I just played along. Little did I suspect anything until I saw the wretched ‘thing’ served on my table. This… ‘thing’… isn’t actually a pizza at all. It’s actually a flattened piece of saucer-shaped cracker with weird garnishing on top.

And the garnishing, weren’t grated cheese, pickled organic dildo (read: cucumber) or pesto sauce, but encompassed mostly of fuckloads of anchovies. Not just any anchovies but, those deep fried hard-ass salt preserved anchovies, like those commonly found in our local pack of nasi lemak.

Don’t mistaken me, I have nothing against anchovies. In fact, I think anchovies are cool. But when you have a whole generation of deep fried super salty anchovies on top of some fine semi-delicatessen like a pizza, it can get really nasty. It felt like, stressing my teeth to the limit and testing out the reliability of my kidneys in a single meal. So, the whole experience was more like, eating anchovies with some crappy thin crust that no birds are gonna even peck.

Goddamn.

I’ve noticed that this isn’t the first time Pizza Hut came up with some innovative ideas by blending our local Malaysian flavors into their pizzas. I wonder what makes them think that this is a good idea. As far as I’ve seen them tried so many varieties, none of them were any good. This is Malaysia goddamn it. If us Malaysians want to have our kick of say, satay or chicken masala, we can just haul our ass to any hawker outlets and grab a bunch of those with just a fraction the cost of these stupid local flavored pizzas, isn’t it?

Which nulls this as an innovation overall, in my opinion. Hell if this is what they would refer as an ‘innovation’, then the hairs growing out of my bunghole (with randomized twirls and curls) would win me a Nobel prize. I can easily predict what their future specials would be in the very near future:

Cincaluk flavored pizza
Rojak flavored pizza
Roti Canai flavored pizza (beefed up with Tongkat Ali extract)
Roti John HongKong flavored pizza
Michael’s dick flavored pizza (makes you feel as if you’re fellating me - that’s damn more Malaysian than anchovies. It gives you the different kind of salty flavor, I assure you)
et cetera

What a terencat. Man why can’t they just leave pizzas as pizzas?

Just… stay away from this Sambal something something crap.

(the best pizza I ever had was at Lamar Street at Austin, Texas. USD5.99 eat-all-you-fucking-can lunch. It was so fucking awesome, that I whacked 3 large pies of pizzas myself… phewwwh)

Hi it’s me again. The chef side of me. If you don’t know the ‘chef me’, you should probably fucking die. If you do, well, feel excited already and read on.

Today, I’m gonna teach you guys how to tweak a butter sandwich into a caffeine laden awesomeness - by combining coffee and butter in the same sandwich. You may probably ask ‘how the fuck is that possible??”. Well, in the realms of a great chef, anything’s possible. That’s why you have me here doing community services for you clueless blips out here.

Alright, let’s not waste anymore time shall we? Let us see what we need to create this great piece of art here.

1) Instant freeze dried coffee. Please do not be stupid enough to buy blended coffee beans. Those shits are not edible. They’re to be brewed and sifted away, not to be ingested directly. I repeat here, we need INSTANT freeze dried coffee powder. If you do not have a brand in mind, I’d recommend this - Nescafe Espresso freeze dried coffee. A wee tad pricey but, trust me, this one rawks like a hurricane.

2) Salted butter. Not just any butter, but one processed from the milk of a Virgo cow. If you couldn’t find that, get an alternative like SCS or Anchor. Like the coffee, these brands are top of the notch brands. If you can’t afford a better butter, don’t be eating breads. And if you’re thinking of substituting it with a margerine, don’t. Margerines suck donkey cock and they’re junk food for hippies.

3) White sugar. Any regular sugar. They’re all the fucking same anyway.

4) Sliced white bread. Not wholemeal, bran meal or whatever grain meal. Those breads taste like shit. We just need white breads. A good one that is (we’re making a masterpiece here, so, get something good). Gardenia’s good enough.

5) Proper tools to do the job. A good quality butter knife and a comfortable-to-hold teaspoon. Butter knife for the butter, teaspoon for sugar and coffee. DO NOT ever use a spoon to spread butter on your bread - it might cause unpredictable results. Always remember to use proper tools for the proper job. (have you seen your dad polish his car with a tampon? That figures…)

Alright, first, get 2 symmetrical slices of white bread and lay it out on a clean plate.

Spread the salted butter on the 2 slices of bread with the butter knife. Now, if you can remember what your art teacher used to tell you not to over-paint your artwork out of its outline? Well, this would be the time you put that skill into a good use. Carefully spread the butter, not to overspread it out of the sliced bread’s edge. Like this:

Next, sprinkle some white sugar evenly on each slice of the buttered bread. Use the spoon to do it. The grains of sugar should stick on the buttered surface. If they don’t, well, acknowledge that your uselessness has just defied the laws of gravity and you should probably quit making your own sandwiches.

Then comes the coffee. Like the sugar, sprinkle the coffee powder on the surface of both slices of bread with the same spoon. You should practice caution not to over-sprinkle it as well. Too much of it, the sandwich will taste bitter. Too little, it’ll lose it’s supposedly distinctive awesome coffee taste. It has to be at that right ratio with the sugar. Use your instincts.

Both slices are now done. Now you need to assemble both of them into one. The spreaded surface should be the point of contact for the assembly (If for some reason you made a mistake and slapped the non-spreaded surface together, you ought to get your IQ checked). Try to line them up as perfect as possible just so that the spread doesn’t protrude out at the sides - which might stain your hand or worse, your favourite sofa.

You can add sliced or grated cheese to your liking. But for me, I like it plain like this. The cheese would spoil the coffee taste and also, too much dairy stuffs will fuck your arteries.

Once you’ve got it, eat it. Now, don’t you feel smarter already?

Say, you suddenly have this wild idea of making your girlfriend/wife some breakfast, you know… to impress the shit out of her (because it’s her birthday or something like that).

You wanted it to be something good, not like a half assed effort of microwaving a cup noodle. Something more presentable. Like frying eggs. Yes. A presentable good looking egg breakfast.

1) it must not be over-fried… as such that the white part of the egg must not become a golden fritter.
2) the yolk must still in liquid form, not too raw nor too overdone.

I’m sure not many of you dweebs out there know how to fry a fucking egg… what more a good looking one (nevermind about the taste, they all taste the fucking same anyway…). That’s why, you have me writing this entry here to help you out. Read on if you feel inferior already…

Equipments:
- A wok (or a frying pan)
- A gas stove (if you don’t know what’s a gas stove, go find the nearest toilet bowl, shove your head into it and flush)
- A wok chan (slotted frying spoon)
- A virile male with affinity towards women and TV remote control

Ingredients:
- Eggs from a very good looking chicken
- Some cooking oil

Procedure:
Put wok (or frying pan) on gas stove.

Pour some cooking oil into the wok. Spread oil on wok. (if you have one of those non-stick wok/pan, skip the oil step. Just heat up your wok/pan)

Heat up wok/pan with a moderate level of fire. (if you don’t know how to switch the gas stove to moderate level, kindly ingest a box of thumb tacks).

Wait until oil becomes hot. (you can verify if it’s hot by touching the oil with your hand… or alternatively, you can just assume it’s hot when you see some faint smoke coming out of it).

Once oil’s hot, scoop up the excess hot oil from wok/pan using the wok chan.

Now turn off the stove fire and wait for wok/pan to cool down. (5 minutes would be ideal). This is to ensure that the wok’s not too hot to overfry an egg…

Crack open an egg and dump it’s content into the wok/pan. It should look something like the picture below. (if it doesn’t, swallow the wok)

Wait for 10 - 20 seconds, and flip over the egg to ensure even frying temperature on both sides.

Serve egg(s). You may add some soy sauce or salt to suit your taste.

The egg(s) should look as awesome as the picture below. (if it doesn’t, repeatedly stab yourself on the head with a screwdriver)

Notice the liquid yolk under the thin layer of cooked protein? Now THAT… is going to impress the shit out of your wife/girlfriend.

Here’s how it’ll look like when you puncture the yolk out with a fork…

Now leave the wok for her to wash… she should be thrilled enough to do it willingly without any complain…

MichaelOoi.net - makes your life better everyday…

Say, you’re dicking some dogs and just about when you’re losing the mood to even breathe, your stomach’s hungry. Usually, it shouldn’t be a problem for you since you can just excavate something off the heaps of junks inside your refrigerator… But because it’s Chinese New Year, you’re basically out of every instant food you can find.

That’s what happened to me. I was hungry and couldn’t find anything instant that I can eat. That was when I figured that I have no choice but to cook myself… some spaghetti. FAST. Gotta make it in 20 minutes, else I’m gonna fucking die out of starvation. And I did it with no sweat.

Since this is a feat that not many guys can achieve in his lifetime, I decided to do some good for you lazy bastards out there. I’m gonna share this milennium long secret of how to prepare an adequately filling plate of spaghetti in less than 20 minutes. Here it is, you’re welcome:

Step 1: Boil up a pot of water. Once boiled, dump in a handful of spaghetti. (doesn’t matter how much, just use your gut feel).

Step 2: Open up a jar of those ready made spaghetti sauce (you can get those off hypermarts or something). Pour it into a bowl. Now, get yourself a few sausages, or ‘bak kua’, then cut them up with a scissor into the sauce. Microwave the whole caboodle of it.

Step 3: While waiting for the spaghetti to cook itself out, go grab a beer and watch some tv. Return 15 minutes later.

Step 4: Sift off excess water from spaghetti and pour the sauce all over it.

Step 5: Eat. Belch. Fart.

It’s fast, it’s badass, it’s awesome. (who needs a cookbook?)