MSN…

Friend: “mike wats ur horoscope?”

Me: “virgo”

Friend: “.:VIRGO:. The Virgin. Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness.”

Friend: “the freak in bed makes me laugh”

Me: “you cheebye you”

Friend: “hahahhah”

Just, how can one tell the characteristics of a person by just simply analyzing a cluster of burning hot mass of gases in the outer fucking space? Illogical lah. Hate to disappoint you optimists out there but, the stars can’t tell if I can fuck good. If you want to know, come find out yourself bebeh.

Me: “Elliot, the trash is full again…”

Elliot: “Give me a break, ok? Please contact the janitor, not me…”

Me: “You know, you did quite a good job that day. I can see that you’re quite gifted in taking out the trash… maybe you should pursue a career out of it. You have good prospect in that direction…”

Elliot: “No please, leave me alone”

Me: “And you looked very smart when you took out the trash that day. I almost couldn’t recognize you.”

Elliot: [ignore mode]

Me: “You know, when you’re old someday, you don’t have to go for plastic surgeries to look young. You just need to take out the trash, you’d turn smart and young immediately… ain’t that cool? You should take out the trash dude…”

Elliot: [ignore mode]

I just couldn’t get that Jedi mind trick to work on Elliot. That tells me one thing - he doesn’t have a fucking brain.

My cellphone rang, its screen showed an unidentified number. I answered it anyway,

Me: “Hello.”

Caller: “Hello… Anne?”

Alright stop. Say, you’re calling up a girl (or woman) whose name is Anne… and a male voice (who obviously isn’t “Anne”) answered. Who do you reckon the person that answered the phone could be?

a) Anne?
b) Anne feigning a male voice?
c) Anne’s brother, whose name’s also Anne?
d) NOT ANNE?

If you chose anything other than D, you have a problem. Just like this caller.

Me: “This is obviously NOT Anne. This is Michael. I think you may have called the wrong number.”

Caller: [pause for about 3 - 4 seconds] “Errrr… I think I called the wrong number…”

DUHHHHH!

[come think of it, there's a possibility that the caller may be looking for a drag queen whose name is Anne. And I fucking sounded like his drag queen friend! Kanneh!!]

I needed to send something to the warehouse, but the technician that used to do the dispatch for me was absent. And because I was such a lazy fart, I had no choice but to look for a prospective victim to get the work done. I spotted Mojo Jojo just at the right moment…

Me: “Hey man, may I ask you something?”

Mojo Jojo: “Yeah sure…”

Me: “Are you by any chance going to the warehouse today?”

Mojo Jojo: “I don’t think so, Michael… I just…”

[I had to cut him off]

Me: “Yes you are.”

Mojo Jojo: “Oh…no..no.. I mean… I’m not going there today…”

Me: “Dude, listen to me. YES. YOU. ARE.”

Mojo Jojo: “…”

Me: “You are going to the warehouse today.”

Mojo Jojo: “Ok, I understand. Yes I am going to the warehouse today.”

Me: “Why, that’s good! Then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind helping me to send these 2 urgent parts to the warehouse.”

Mojo Jojo: “Sure.. sure.”

Me: “You’re such a nice person. Thanks ya…”

Ladies and gentlemen, that was the Jedi Mind Trick. It works on apes.

The lab phone rang.

dolt: “Hello, is this the lab?”

me: “Yes, you are currently calling the lab extension”

dolt: “Errmmm… is there anyone inside the lab right now?”

me: “Well, I’m currently answering your phone call from the lab extension… I guess there is…”

dolt: “Errr… no, I mean later. Will there be anyone inside the lab later?”

me: “It depends dude. You’ll have to define your ‘later’. If the ‘later’ you meant was 9pm tonight, then NO. There won’t be anyone here.”

dolt: “Ahaks, of course of course. I mean, now. Will there be anyone inside the lab if I were to come now? I need to use the lab facility.”

me: “I’m here alright” [DUHHHHH]

The guy came to the lab shortly after that. He looked just like a Chinese version of Sudirman, but with a heavily cratered face like Laurence Fishburne. (the bald guy called Morpheus in Matrix)