Archive for the ‘characters’ Category

February 24, 2009

Look ma! I’m not a corpse!

The lab was relatively quiet today, when the sound of someone squealing suddenly broke the silence. It was Milkboy, our lab technician. I gave a quick glance at him to see what was the commotion all about, and saw him standing in front of a bunch of his work stuff, apparently amused at something, for he was grinning ear to ear.

Milkboy : “Look guys! This is so cool! The temperature rises when I hold this probe with my hand!”

He was holding a thermocouple probe (a thermocouple probe is basically an electrical thermal measuring device). So, he was squealing and getting all excited when he saw that darn probe reading his body temperature, which frankly speaking, is nothing short of being fucking retarded (not to mention annoying). I felt the urge to shoot him down, and did it,

Me : “What were you expecting?? If that thing does not register any temperature when you hold it, that would have meant that you’re a fucking corpse, you moron! It was just reading your body temperature!”

Milkboy : “Yeah I know but I was surprised that it could even read my temperature when I hold it like this… like, like this…” [proceed to do something silly with the probe on his palm]

I could not even describe how fucking moronic he looked when he was acting all fascinated with that ‘new discovery’ of his. It was probably something close to how our first neanderthal ancestors would react, if they were to be shown a battery operated butt plug that emits blinking LED lights…

I mean, seriously, I am now surrounded with a thick layer of doubt if I have all along been working with a real biological retard. Remember the ‘mysterious probe number 4′ incident? Now, THAT and THIS, they couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. Disturbing indeed.

I left the lab after that, leaving the poor guy alone, still all fascinated with the probe thing…

michaelooi  | characters  | 5 Comments
November 5, 2008

proof that common sense is not common

I was in a meeting with a group of management folks discussing about… stuff. There was this Malay bloke in the meeting, who holds a manager post, highlighted that littering is fast becoming a serious problem in Company X and somebody has to do something about it (no shit Sherlock). He then went on to remark that he did some observation on the problem and noticed most of the trash are plastic bags…

See where this is going? Yes. The guy then proposed to have plastic bags banned, and have them all replaced with paper bags. No plastic bags in Company X therefore, no littering. Yes, believe it man. Hardly makes any sense, I know. Dumbest idea ever.

Of course I scoffed at him for proposing such a dumb ass idea – if the concern’s really about littering, then it shouldn’t have anything to do with whatever plastic fucking bags, but the shitty attitude of the people who litters. An inconsiderate schmuck do not choose what he litters. If a person’s a litter bug, he’d litter anything anywhere. The ways to stop him are through education, lobotomy or beat the crap out of him. You don’t ban his trash. That is just stupid.

Actually, there are thousands of reasons he can quote to have plastic bags banned like he wanted which wouldn’t have sounded so preposterous. Like, he could have said that banning plastic bags could save male jellyfishes from mistakenly humping plastic bags therefore jeopardizing their sex life, or saving the turtles from a potential choking hazard. But of all reasons… *sigh*

Maybe he’s the one that needed the education, lobotomy or getting the crap beaten out of.

michaelooi  | characters  | 11 Comments
October 13, 2008

gone for good and bad

Remember the ‘optimistic vs pessimistic‘ opinion I did about Elliot the fucking idiot sometime back? Here’s an extension of the list over the years…

9) Elliot likes to play tacky songs loudly from his workbench with his loud speaker. They’re always on repeat, and they’re always songs from a few artistes which I loathed – Modern Talking, Vengaboys, Aqua and Celine Dion…
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to make his co-workers healthier by playing upbeat songs to keep everyone animated and stuff…
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a freak

10) Elliot sometimes would shut himself down in front of his bench, and chant some weird sounding mantra with an odd looking opened book in front of him. During this period, he’d totally ignore everything, even if the building’s on fire. It would last 5 – 10 minutes before he’d wake up from the trance.
Optimistic opinion : He’s praying for the vast number of endangered species all over the world.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a freak

11) Elliot would on and off jump around the lab flailing his hands for about 5 minutes. After that, he would walk around in circles for another 5 minutes before he goes to the toilet to take a crap (or fap)
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to stay healthy by stretching himself good.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking freak

12) Elliot likes to filch equipments from his busy co-workers, not to use them (the equipments) but to have them left on his workbench, just so that his workbench would look more complicated.
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to save electricity by proactively limiting the use of electrical equipments in the lab
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking contemptible freak

13) Elliot smears his boogers underneath his desk/workbench.
Optimistic opinion : He’s an avid environmentalist. He’s just trying to make the workplace more ‘organic’
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a motherfucking freak

14) Elliot could not differentiate a piece of fried fish from a piece of chicken chop.
Optimistic opinion : Elliot’s an altruistic person. He likes to make people feel smart by pretending to be stupid, just so that everyone feels fulfilled when they’re around him.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking stupid freak

15) Elliot believes in extra terrestrial beings, ghosts and other paranormal shits.
Optimistic opinion : Elliot’s is a colorful character from space
Pessimistic opinion : He’s an abomination

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Elliot the fucking idiot. This is going to be the final of him in Company X. He’s leaving us for good. He printed his resignation letter in the lab last week, came over to my bench and told me “Michael, I resigned”. I so fucking wanted to jump up from my chair and scream deliriously (just like how the US president would if Iraq were to be obliterated from the face of Earth)… but I chose to be cool about it and totally ignored him… which he responded by walking away. The moment he was gone, I messaged a tonne of my colleagues that his reign of terror was finally over. Saddam’s dead!! YEahhh! Humanity and goodness prevails!

(But all is not good, I’m afraid. It was rumored that Elliot’s going to join the aviation parts manufacturing industry as a no-less important engineer. I shudder to think about the repercussion of his involvement in this critical industry…)

michaelooi  | characters  | 2 Comments
August 15, 2008

Edward Skading

I ‘stumbled’ into an interesting blog today. A blog by Edward Skading. Edward doesn’t blog about trivial everyday emo or how does it feel like to be a jerk (like most of us do). Edward blogs about what he believes in and what is he going to do about it. In this case, he discovered something in his can of condensed milk, and started to dig more and more cans of worms from the company that produced the milk, and totally flipped the company off.

Have to commend that guy for his resilience. I mean, I couldn’t even do half the things he did. Like, if I find a dead lizard inside my can of condensed milk, I’d just dump the can of milk, tell all my friends about it, and vouch not to buy anything from that company again. But not Edward.

His blog is about resilience and fighting for consumer rights. I find it rather honorable of him to do all these in a selfless manner and decided to share this with you all (trust me, this is very much a better read than some stupid skank’s blog writing about what she ate for the day and how she hated her big busted colleague who got more attention than she does…)

Here’s Edward’s blog URL in case you missed it – http://consumersrighteousness.blogspot.com/

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
May 15, 2008

The Bitch Tigress of the Orient

There is this lady manager in Company X, known for her fiery temper and assiduous characteristics. She excels in her work, is objective driven and is very well liked by the top management. Hell, she was even given a personalized epithet by our western counterparts – ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’. Now this ‘Bitch Tigress’ might seem successful in her career and stuff, but there is one side of her that does not seem to complement the success well. Her looks.

Yes, her looks. She is still a spinster for that very obvious reason. She is so frigging ugly that if it wasn’t for the laws of physics, we all would have been petrified by her presence alone. When she’s around, flowers would wither, food would turn bad and small animals would die. She is one hell of a cursed motherfucking creature walking on Earth for reasons unknown to mortal men.

A couple days ago, I was unfortunate enough to be spotted by ‘Bitch Tigress’, when I was whacking my lunch alone at the Company X cafeteria. She was by herself, and was probably looking for a company to chat or something but, I was unlucky enough to be in proximity. She asked if she could join me in my table… I so wanted to ask her to fuck off and leave me alone, but I couldn’t. That is because in the corporate world, we are all bound by this invisible force of courteousness (alright, I was fucking scared of her), so I said yes, why not, she can certainly join me. But I knew I was in for a really difficult time.

She attempted to chat up, but I would just give her the same standard “yeah?” and “Yeah” reply. I wasn’t really into it because I just wanted to finish my food fast and get the fuck out of there. But for some strange reasons, it became quite an uphill task. Every spoonful of my rice tasted just weirder and weirder – until I finally realized that it was so because the beef patty on my plate was spoilt (see ‘food would turn bad’ above). Mein Gott Himmel!!

And that was when I also noticed that the ‘Bitch Tigress’ was eating like a pig. She had food spilling over the edge of her plate and also from her mouth. In fact, there was a grain of rice stuck right above her upper lip while she happily munched her fried chicken boisterously. It was distracting. The piece of rice seemed to have a life of its own, like it was trying to climb up from her upper lip into her nostril for a cave spelunking adventure. I was thinking of whether to tell her about that grain of rogue rice, but a part of me wanted to see if it actually would made it all the way up into her fucking nose so… Anyway, it didn’t. It eventually flew out together with the rest of the projectiles from her mouth during her eloquent speech.

The whole episode lasted a little less than 10 minutes before I took a hasty leave, but I have to admit, it was the longest of 10 disturbing minutes for me, for I have never seen such an utter female slob in my life before. I mean, how could a female be at such unrefined state that would disgust even a guy?

You might say that it’s impossible but, I have met such person before – ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’.

Leave me your contact if she’s your type.

michaelooi  | characters  | 14 Comments