Archive for the ‘characters’ Category

December 21, 2009

maid powered family

I have a neighbor who has 3 little boys. Although the neighbor’s boys are quite close with my 3.5 year old daughter, we’re not in any level acquainted with the boys’ parents at all. My wife has only spoken to the mom once, who – according to my wife – is a snobbish bitch who speaks in heavily faked English accent and couldn’t stop trying to show how sophisticated she is. In a short conversation of less than 5 mins, she managed to cram in every shit ass opinion she has about the education system and the economy (you get the idea).

Most of the time, it is the maid who brings the boys to the apartment compound/garden to socialize with other kids. The mom has never brought the boys out to play before. She’d probably be too busy slapping makeups on her face and trying to look pretty than to take care of her own boys. So, the maid has all along been playing the surrogate mother to the boys – washing, cooking, babysitting, tucking them to sleep and even disciplining them. The real bitch of a biological mom on the other hand, would not lift a finger to do a fucking thing.

And then came this problem – the maid has to leave for her hometown in Indonesia for a few weeks. Probably to utilize her leave or something. This got the real mom in a real predicament there, as it soon dawned on her that she’s gonna have to fucking undertake every chore by herself when the maid’s away. She panicked, and did what most of us cognitive people wouldn’t even dream of doing – she SENT THE MAID TO GO AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD, to ask if anyone’s willing to babysit the kids for the family (probably even cook as well, I don’t know). The maid came to ask for my wife’s aid last week (to ask around the neighbors), because she wasn’t exactly in the right status as a maid to go around negotiating deals for a babysitter for that family.

I was shocked in disbelief when I heard that from my wife. The first thing that came to my mind was, why the fuck can’t the mother do that herself!? She needed someone to babysit her kids, and she sends her maid to do the recruiting!? Like, what the fuckk!? Isn’t she the cunt who has tonnes of jackass sophisticated opinion about everything in the society!? Where is she now!? This is so ridiculous.

I wonder how does that bitch live everyday to call herself a parent and a wife. What actual role has she really played in the family other than getting the pounding in the cunt by the husband. The maid has been doing every jack shit for her! From raising her kids to cooking and washing! I told my wife, the husband should have fucking married the maid instead of this bitch here. Not only the maid looks slimmer, hotter and younger than the bitch, hell… she can even speak English without the annoying fake accent! How about that!

Some people just ought not to have kids, this is so fucking true.
(For the record, the maid still haven’t found a babysitter. I hope she never finds one, so that the bitch mother gets to do all the glamorous work herself)

michaelooi  | characters  | 8 Comments
November 23, 2009


I came across the name ‘Maggie’ today and got reminded of my trollop sister. Yes, people… despite being known as ‘Beancurd’ here, that’s actually not her real name (if you can’t tell). My sister likes people to call her ‘Maggie’.

But then you see, Maggie isn’t her real name either. Like me, she adopted that English name when she was a teenager. Unlike her, I adopted mine for a good reason – my real name is too fucked up and people with inadequate intelligence will not be able to pronounce it properly. So, in order to make myself more sociable and not too celestial, I adopted the name ‘Michael’, and got my mom’s approval on it.

My sister however, chose not to tell anyone at home about her fancy name. She just tagged along her friend to a church one day, and suddenly she’s ‘Maggie’. Fucking shit. So when hordes of her itchy male friends started to call our home to look for ‘Maggie’, they’re conveniently fended off like stray insects on the windscreen of a moving vehicle at night.

“Hello, may I speak to Maggie?”
“Sorry, wrong number.”

You get the idea. It wasn’t long before my sister started to realize that she’s regressing towards the opposite direction in popularity amongst her retarded friends, and soon got my ass responsible for everything by screaming at me at the top of her lungs one day… (as I was the one who answered the phone most of the time… and a much easier target than my mom)…

“What? Where got?”
“Maggie! That’s me! I am Maggie! Whom you told my friends no such person exists!”
“Since when you’re known as Maggie!? How would I know if you didn’t tell anyone about it??”
“Just mind your business, ok?? I’m going to smack you if you ever do this again!!”
“Maggie… what a stupid name. Why don’t you call yourself Indomie or Cintan instead?? Pffhh”

But what did I know. I was just a kid. I thought she named herself after a popular brand of instant noodle. I didn’t know it is short form for Margaret, a beautiful name. Perhaps she named herself ‘Maggie’ to do her personality some justice, which she severely lacked of. You know, like a fake plastic bait to lure fish (fish = guys, in her case). Or could be that, she named herself after a popular 80’s Hong Kong actress – Maggie Cheung. But rest be assured, my sister looked nothing like Maggie Cheung… well, except maybe if she were to have a tumor in her colon, my sister could look like that piece of tumor, covered in shit.

But my best bet is still, she named herself ‘Maggie’ as a short form not for ‘Margaret’… but for ‘maggot’, which aptly describes her character very well. Oh yeah.

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November 5, 2009

feel important

One of my wife’s colleague is pregnant with her third child, and has been acting smug about it. She thought that it is the smartest thing to do that she manages to keep it secret from her husband. It makes her feel in control, she said. When the time comes, she’ll just tell it to her husband’s face that she’s going to fucking have a baby and there’s nothing he can do about it.

It was needless to say, an innuendo to my wife that it is important for a woman to take charge of her own life. I don’t know why would she use her own case to make a good example out of this, but what is even more befuddling to me, is that she thought that I have been forbidding my wife from having another baby… and I have all along been an evil husband. Which gives that pregnant colleague, I believe, the compulsion to gloat about her seemingly dominant position in her marriage.

Little does that lady know that the decision to have only 1 child is a mutual one between my wife and I, based on a few reasons known only to us. But this is not about my wife and I. It’s about that pregnant colleague. I wonder what kind of a fucked up person she is to do that kind of thing to her own husband. Does this really fucking give her the sense of conjugal empowerment? What the fuck. That has got to be the most retarded thing ever. I guess she’s planning to keep hiding her pregnancy from her husband by alluding that her ever growing belly is just a tub of lardy substance. (yeah, she’s also coincidentally fat, very hard to tell if she’s pregnant sometimes).

Things that people would do to feel important. The husband should have secretly asked to have her spayed back when she had the second child, knowing that she’s such a vile person. And now that poor husband is in for an oncoming freight train.

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May 25, 2009

my ex-boss Rob

In conjunction of the World Hepatitis Day on 19th May, I am writing this post to commemorate my ex-boss Rob (if you can remember him, I used to blog about this motherfucker like, a lot), who recently died of liver cancer from a hepatitis infection. o_O

Alright, he’s actually still alive, no hepatitis or whatsoever. I made up the story to make it sound better. He is, in fact, enjoying his life right now. Doing nothing. Last I heard, after he went to China, he got promoted to a senior manager. With his new handsome paycheck, he splurged his money on women, patronized brothels and posh nightclubs to satisfy his everyday perversion (he was already a well known whore hound back in Penang). Soon it got out of control and eventually, he hooked up permanently with a barely pubescent China doll, divorced his wife, left his children with her and moved with the doll to Singapore to do something of even less significance, but with an even bigger paycheck.

That bastard is sure a lucky son of a bitch. He’s progressing exponentially by not doing anything (while screwing someone who’s young enough to be his daughter) – while people like me (and you) who toil under the hot office fluorescent lights working our ass off get stagnant in our career. Life is certainly fucking fair. (squeezes mouse hard)

I recently found a photo of him while browsing my HDD, and decided to post it up here, in case any of you wants to beat him up for good or something (or put a face to that ‘Rob’ name). He’s the one with his mouth wide open, without a hat and sparse curly hair.

Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | characters  | 16 Comments
April 13, 2009

power up

I remember when I was a kid, I used to love this arcade game called ‘Raiden’. It was an air combat fighting game (required very little strategy, but more of reflex), where you get to control a cool looking spaceship, creaming asses and dodging hostile fires as you go along. One of the coolest things you can do in the game – I remember, was to ‘power up’. Kill a commander ship, and you’ll be rewarded with a floating blinking ‘power up’ icon. To get it, you just need to ram into the icon, and your weapons will be automatically upgraded (wider canon, twin laser beams) – which allows you to take on bigger and nastier bosses. Good times in arcade centers.

I was thinking, wouldn’t it be awesome if there are indeed such ‘power ups’ in reality? You know, like… walk up to your boss, punch him in the face, get a floating icon, then ZINGGG, you are automatically upgraded to take his place… and then move on to take on the next level? If things are that simple, then surely we’d all be brawling our asses off. Any retard knows that this is just ridiculous.

But one of the technicians in my lab seems to be delusional enough to believe in that ‘power up’ bullshit. He was sustaining his technician job fine until he got himself an engineering degree recently, which gave him the alleged ‘power up’. The engineering degree, in some weird ways, made him think that he is all that smarter, and more competent overnight. He began to diss his own job all of the sudden, citing that it was too substandard for him, and demanded for something better. Metaphorically, you can imagine that this is akin to a baboon who just got hold of a pair of pants, and demanded to get out of the zoo to work in Google.

Little did that technician realize – that his engineering degree, isn’t going to help his current state of employment (let alone his experience and knowledge). A technician having a degree is still a technician, because he was hired to be a technician. A KFC manager is still a KFC manager even if that guy gets a PhD during his tenure. However, it will be a different story if the person QUITS, and applied elsewhere for a better position (which he should have done, since he despises the job so vehemently). But sadly, that technician thought that his degree was his ‘power up’ pill, and therefore, he is exempted from needing to work hard, gaining the rapport/trusts at work and achieving his given goals to gain a promotion – to become an engineer. Makes you wonder what are the kids learning these days at college, doesn’t it?

*FYI – I did assign the technician to take over some of the ‘low level engineering work’ a few days ago as a trial. Guess what happened? The guy freaked out because he was totally clueless (he was bad even for a technician level) and couldn’t handle a shit. Suffice to say, his engineering degree is nothing more than a piece of paper to adorn his empty wall…

michaelooi  | characters  | 18 Comments