Archive for the ‘characters’ Category

April 30, 2012

urk

You guys know Ike Turner right? A famous musician (and wifebeater). Now, how do you pronounce his name? Simple, if you know how to pronounce ‘like’. Just take away the letter ‘L’, you get ‘Ike’.

There’s this Iranian guy, who’s a customer of my soon-to-be-ex-company’s – name’s Ike. We all call him ‘Ike’. He’s an asshole, but that’s beside the point. The thing is about my boss not knowing how to pronounce his name ‘Ike’. My boss (FuckChicken), for some weird fucking reason, calls him ‘Urk’ instead of ‘Ike’. It’s as if he has been watching too much caveman movies or something. Urk. What the fuck.

I mean, not that it’s going to cause any adverse effect or anything but, it’s plain fucking annoying. I have been trying to repeatedly hint him, that the guy’s name is ‘Ike’ (goddammit), but he’d just call him ‘Urk’. He seems to lack of the cognitive ability to comprehend even the simplest of things. That actually kind of prompted me to ask this – if FuckChicken couldn’t figure out how to pronounce a simple 3 letter word despite being repeatedly hinted by almost everyone he met, how the hell could anyone entrust him to run a department? (I wouldn’t even let this guy to take care of my goldfish – if I have one…). There’s something just so plain wrong with Company Y… and it affects all lifeforms in and around it. (and that pretty much includes the bunch of iguanas living in the toxic river next to the cafeteria).

And I’m just glad I resigned… because I couldn’t stand another second working under this shitbag.

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March 31, 2011

‘bacheratu’

I wrote about a certain person called Nosferatu in Company Y some time ago. The ugly as shit fetishist who gives everyone a hard time. There’s one thing that I forgot to mention about him – he’s a bachelor. Now, if you don’t already know about old people who’s still a bachelor – they’re known to be uber fucked up. If it’s an old bachelor woman, it will be like dealing directly with the devil. But let’s not talk about that.

Nosferatu, the fetishist who’s a bachelor. Just the other day, I was in a brainstorming session in the middle of the production line to solve a complex engineering escalation, the group kinda took a short detour off the topic to brainstorm about what is it that makes Nosferatu so damn fucked up. That was when the topic of him being an old bachelor douche came up. One of his chief engineers then said :

“People like him could never understand the grave situation when our kids are sick.”

True but, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. An old man who’s a bachelor, would have plenty of time to think about how to make things difficult for his employees, whilst people like you and me would be too busy interacting at home with our family to even think proper about what to do next at work. If the bachelor have an old mother living with him, then he’s going to be even worst. He’s going to be psychologically disturbed with all the years of stress-nagging. And the guy’s most likely sexually deprived too. Lack of love. There’s only so much masturbating could do for that fucker and he’s going to take it all out on whoever he chooses to dislike. People like his employees. Lack of love, full of nagging, plenty of time – it’s a concoction of all it takes to make one go loco, if not become a schizo.

I felt compelled to dole out some advice to the engineer, so I did it – “Dude, next time your kid’s sick, just tell him your car had a busted radiator. He probably would be more empathetic to that reason…”

Or just buy him a Vietnamese wife.

michaelooi  | characters  | 2 Comments
February 28, 2011

Christopher

Remember Rob my ex-boss? The person whom I claimed to hate most? Well, not anymore. Someone have just taken his rotten spot. It’s Christopher, my current boss. As fate have it, my first boss in Company Y had to be someone worse than Rob, in all ways I never thought could even be possible.

Fuck my life.

I have to admit, my first impression of Christopher was a good one in the interview room. He seemed tactful and calm in demeanor, there wasn’t a hint that he was a consummate asshole. I first noticed some clues of him being an asshole only a few weeks into the job during the departmental lunch. I had to hitch a ride in his car then and was hit hard by a bitter revelation – he listens to boy bands. You know, uber gay boy bands like N’Sync, Backstreet boys, 90 degrees celcius, etc? Unbelievable yeah. I was shocked shitless. A bloke in his mid 40’s who listens to boy bands is so fucking wrong on so many levels. And as if his profoundly bad taste in music wasn’t bad enough, I also noticed that he carries an iPhone, with some gaudy Black Eyed Peas (or was it a Lady Gaga) ringtone. I’ll let you be the judge of that.

And that was the first of many things to come. It wasn’t too long after that I started to realize that he’s not right in the head. I had my taste of his anal retentive shitfuck requirement once, when he told me that I gotta put double ended arrows in my Gantt chart instead of colored bars. In case you don’t have a clue how ridiculous that was, it was like saying getting shot ten times is better than getting shot twice times five. It makes no fucking difference. And there was also once, he openly yelled at me in a meeting room full of people, just because some of the meeting participants DIDN’T READ A DOCUMENT I SENT OUT. Can you believe that? He fucking reprimanded me for that, instead of confronting the perpetrators. Of course, I didn’t just stay still and be a sitting duck. I duly riposted, which greatly displeased him.

“They didn’t read the document, it’s their problem, not mine!”

He was dumbfucked, as he didn’t expect me to shoot back because he thought I was lame or something, like everyone else he presumed to be. A self centered gayfuck of an asshole he is. That, my friend, is how wretched my boss is. That episode sort of kick started a deep enmity between the both of us. There goes the saying of ‘never fuck with your boss’ thing because it simply isn’t possible now at this stage, when my wellbeing is at the mercy of a degenerate who is not worth of any respect. We kind of had a few altercations after that in a very short span of time, but it culminated in a confrontation at his desk a couple months back, but that’s a story for another time.

Again, fuck my life.

michaelooi  | characters  | 3 Comments
January 10, 2011

Larry

When I first joined Company Y, I was already made to involve in several key projects around the stinkhole. One of the projects in particular, was at its beginning stage and all its team members were a bunch of dead fucking serious no joke kind of people. Working with them was like a Jew working for a bunch of elite SS Nazi guards. A totally ‘potong stim’ kind of experience.

And then there’s this guy in the team called Larry, a very experienced elder engineer with a straight face. He has a deep dark voice and never smiles. Whenever the guy was at a meeting, he would just stay quiet. If he ever talks, it would only be short and terse comments. Gave me an impression that he’s too stucked up in the ass to socialize like a human.

That went on for like, a few weeks until one fine Friday night – I was hanging out at this watering hole with my friends, boozing and half drunk as usual, when I saw Larry at this same place we were boozing. If I was sober then, I would have totally ignored that fucker but alas, I was not. So I rowdily yelled out at Larry – “Hey Larry! How’s it going man? Woo hoo!”. He naturally ambled over, also half drunk, and started bitching about how his boss was such a dick to him and something more (I couldn’t register with my half addled mind). But I remember myself telling him this – “Hey man good to see you here. I never thought you’re cool enough to booze at places like this…” I didn’t know why I said that but, it was done in an drunk-honest kind of way and totally not gay at all.

Then came the Monday after the weekend, I was sort of half embarrassed about the encounter with Larry… you know, because after all, we were all supposed to be serious or some shit like that. So I never said a word about that night to him when I saw him… until Larry came to me and said in jest – “Hey Michael, why are you working so hard here? Let’s go boozing!”. And he was never the same again after that day. We started to work like how team mates should be. We often bantered around and exchanged dirty jokes. Just a couple days back, he expressed how he wanted to have a tit-fuck with the busty office admin, and then to also doggy fuck her while smacking her ass.

Now who would have thought Larry is actually a normal person like me? Instead of a person like what I originally perceived him to be? And strange enough, it was the booze that made all of these possible.

michaelooi  | characters  | 10 Comments
January 4, 2010

Miss A

I recently had a conflict of opinion with some of my female colleagues about a certain person in the company – Miss A (a young but ugly female exec who looks like a cross between a she-male and a he-female, and everything else in between).

In my opinion, this Miss A is a vile motherfucking bitch, who was abusive to her fiance (who is also someone I know). My female colleagues however, disagree with me, and think that she’s an angel. They seem to have that impression that I have a prejudice against her because I do not know her well enough like they do, and that it is all a shallow misunderstanding.

Well, I don’t know about that. I have seen with my own eyes how wretched and nasty this Miss A could get. I doubt that ‘getting to know her better’ could change a modicum of my original opinion about her. To me, this is as senseless as saying – you’d think that clubbing baby seals is not really that bad if you learn how to appreciate it well enough. Trust me people, once you have seen what I’ve seen, you’d be in my boat even if Jesus Christ vouches for that bitch.

So what have I seen that was so horrible?

It was an incident at a friend’s house. We were having a gathering that night, and the ladies chatted inside the house while the blokes – including Miss A’s fiance and myself – hung out at the patio. It all went well until somebody gave a blood curdling scream. It was Miss A. Thinking that this could be an emergency, some of us went in to check out what was going on. It appeared that Miss A had spilled her glass of water on the coffee table, and that was why she screamed. She was screaming her fiance’s full Chinese name in the most bizarre fashion – LIM AH KAUUU !!! (Not his real name of course. I changed it to protect his innocence, you get the idea.)

I was like, totally dumbfucked and wanted to ask what was her problem. But I didn’t. That was because I did not want to get involved in anything to do with her. Coincidentally, Lim Ah Kau wasn’t around. He was away to his car to collect some stuff and didn’t hear her screaming. So, she got even more crossed and screamed even louder (in Mandarin) – LIM AH KAUUUU!!! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?? This went on for about 10 – 15 seconds in the presence of bewildered colleagues, until Lim Ah Kau finally showed up.

Lim Ah Kau : “What’s going on dear?” [looking startled]
Miss A : “I SPILLED MY GLASS OF WATER!! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU??”

It was unbelievable. If I were to be in Lim Ah Kau’s shoes, I would have yelled back at her “SO?? FUCKING WIPE THE MESS UP ALREADY, BITCH!!” and fucking dump her ass right there and then for being such a massive cunt. I was so fucking pissed off. But Ah Kau went on ahead to get some serviettes and cleaned the mess up. But I could tell that he was suppressing all the shit inside, and I was right. About a few months after that, Lim Ah Kau finally dumped Miss A. We celebrated the event in a club with plenty of drinking.

To us guys, he certainly had made the right decision. It would be suicidal to marry that bitch. Dumping her was the only right thing to do (if not kill her). But sadly, that was not what the girls think. The girls think that Lim Ah Kau is wrong to dump Miss A post engagement, because according to them, this will take a heavy toll on her reputation as a female and it would be difficult for her to find another mate. My female colleagues didn’t even so much to think of, why the relationship failed in the first place. Let’s not even delve on, why should Lim Ah Kau forgo his own self esteem to protect Miss A’s, or why is he made accountable for her inability to find another mate… (trust me, she has bigger problems to worry about than her fucking reputation). All they offered was – ‘you’d understand that Miss A is an angel if you know her better like us’. Even better than Lim Ah Kau has ever known I suppose. Well, that Miss A can go fuck herself then… because no one is going to do that.

michaelooi  | characters  | 22 Comments