Archive for the ‘characters’ Category

December 23, 2016

BBQ pork bun

As I lean back on my seat, my ear angle gets into the wave path of BBQ Pork Bun’s rhetoric about his organization’s plan in Company T. His sharp voice stabs my drums, and I momentarily get jolted up from my zoned-out moment. I can see projectiles of his spit landing on the hot projector on the table, while the rest of the audience in the meeting room shift themselves uncomfortably in their seats in preparation for a long meeting ahead. It has been close to 25 minutes since he was given the 10 mins slot to talk, and from the look of his animated form, I reckon he won’t be stopping anytime soon.

BBQ Pork Bun has been one of the most-talked-about managers in Company T. He holds a very senior position and has a big group of people under his leadership. He is the next big star that is going to win the talent show. Unlike his prospects on paper, physically he isn’t very well endowed. He’s about as small/short as the size of a hemorrhoid in a midget’s ass, middle aged and is as ugly as fuck. Beady eyes, whisker-less square face and is afflicted with crop circle sized male pattern baldness. His forehead is so bald, that if there are sweat beads on his scalp and there’s a spotlight shining on them, it’s going to reflect glittering lights like a fucking disco ball. He looks as if God hates him.

But for what he lacks in looks and charm, he makes it all up with intelligence and sports. The fucker has a PhD in nuclear physics or something. There’s no opinion that he can’t retort. He volunteers to build robots for kids during his free time, and is as athletic as shit. On any normal office day, you wouldn’t have second guessed that this motherfucker could slam dunk or does a jumping smash in badminton. That’s why the management likes him heaps, because he can do everything. Like I said, he’s the next big star in Company T.

He is one of the very few people whom I hate and respect at the same time. Hate him because he can’t stop being so damn annoying by being so good at everything and respect him for being so abled in spite of his disabilities. He should be a poster boy for all bully victims in the society. Motherfucking BBQ Pork Bun. There’s fucking 35 mins left to go, and I hope BBQ Pork Bun would stop talking already.

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February 22, 2016

this CNY

I had the rare opportunity to rendezvous with a childhood friend of mine named ‘Wai’ this CNY. I’ve known Wai since I was 9, and this CNY, we would have known each other for almost 30 years (I’ll be turning 39 this year)! His mom and my late mother were BFFs and that was how we got acquainted. We never got off to be considered as BFF ourselves like our mothers but we were quite close as kids along with his younger brother whom we fondly called ‘FatKid’ (they also have a younger sister, but we weren’t close). I’d go to his village at Paya Terubong (a spot now developed into a big ass sports complex) whenever my mom visited his mom, and I had fond memories of us cycling, flying kites and hanging out by the filthy stream that ran behind his zinc-roofed house.

It wasn’t long after that Wai’s parents had to leave to work abroad and we lost contact with each other for a few years… up until circa 1991 when his parents returned and moved to become our neighbor a couple houses away. That was when we spent a lot of time hanging out (I’ve actually written a piece of bike crash adventure with Wai back in 2004 – link), and visiting his house – which his dad extended to incorporate a small women’s shoes manufacturing workshop, and he worked with his dad as a cobbler (he already dropped out of school then, and I on the other hand, earned some extra money doing odd jobs helping out at his family workshop). His younger brother – FatKid – was still schooling then, but eventually dropped out as well, and but instead of being a cobbler like Wai, he was in the sales at the family shoe outlet at the city (Chowrasta Market) so, he wasn’t around at home much. That explains why I was closer to Wai than with FatKid.

Then in 1994, Wai accidentally knocked up his teenage girlfriend and was forced into marriage. After that marriage, his family moved away from that workshop house for reasons unknown to me. That was when we lost contact again, until this CNY, when a classmate of mine – Paul – hooked our contacts up. So how did Paul managed to hook us up? Well, hear this, this is when it gets really interesting – Paul was married to Wai’s younger sister. So, in the grand scale of fate, Wai somehow became Paul’s brother in law (both whom I’ve known for years). The thing is, I hung out a lot with Paul in 1993/1994, and he had even visited my house back when Wai’s family was still living a few doors away from my house. So, some time in the past, Paul and his wife had crossed path and they didn’t even know it. Something trivial but nevertheless interesting. Anyway, I hadn’t contacted Paul himself for years until we stumbled into each other at a wedding banquet of another classmate’s, and got to talk about Wai and this rendezvous. That’s how I managed to meet Paul and Wai again this CNY.

That was like, close to 22 years I had not seen Wai. The first thing he said to me was, “Dude! You’ve grown so huge now!”. Figures… I was no longer 16 and have grown quite significantly over the years. But Wai was still in his scrawny frame, just like how he was when I last saw him. He has aged a lot, his face is now wrinkled like his dad, and there’s this permanent scowl on him that told me he had been through a lot, and had waddled pool deep of shit in life. He also talks different now. We used to banter about stuff when we were teenagers, but now it felt like we’re both strangers brought from 2 different dimensions to live back the memories we’ve shared at one point in life in the past. My views were later attested by Paul, over the beers when Wai left earlier in the evening. Wai had since split with his wife from that first marriage, and married the 2nd time with another 3 kids (His son from the first marriage is now 22 years old). Wai is now a business partner for a construction firm at Johor and is doing well for himself, but before he landed this stable life, he had been in a quagmire of debts and was even into drugs. It was through some sheer determination that involves a new found faith that put him back on track in life to provide for his family. I mean, I couldn’t be happier for him… he’d been to the bottom and back. Not many people can do that.

Anyway, as we drank into the night, Paul and myself did our own rendezvous talking about our own stuff (with another classmate who joined later). But deep inside me, I couldn’t stop recalling the memories of our old neighborhood, and think about the bike stunts we did at the kampung, and the simpler life we had back then. The smell of rubber glue from the shoe factory. The Carina Lau lookalike prostitute we ogled next door. The schoolgirls next block we got infatuated with. We’ve certainly came a long way.

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September 17, 2013

the fat prefect

School prefects. Never liked them. I think they’re an embodiment of evil. Born losers and closet backstabbers, they often have nowhere to go to satisfy their ill whims – so they became prefects. Some would just be a wretched prefect, but some would get a whole new level lower by becoming the teacher’s pet and be in the background to discredit everyone he dislikes. Fucking hated them and still hate them now.

In my early secondary years at school, there was this fat prefect whom I particularly loathed the most. Guy looked like a total loser, had a comb-over and was a particularly strict motherfucker. God knows how many times I was nitpicked by him for I was quite a sleazy boy in my early years. I swear I once swore about wanting to kill this guy before, that was how deep my hatred for him was. A known teacher’s pet, he never seem to have any friend, because I had never seen him hanging out with anyone before. All the time, rain or shine, you’d see this blimp perching around somewhere gazing like an owl (he actually looked like that) at everyone like he’s born to be a predator to conduct an ‘arrest’ when someone doesn’t live up to the ‘code’ (you know, tidy hair, uniform, shirt tucked in, long fingernails, talking in the corridor – come think of it, none of those make any sense…).

So what about him? I kinda forgotten about him through my secondary years, as he finished school much earlier than I did as a senior, until I moved into my apartment 11 years ago. There’s this fucking fat prefect, married with a bunch of obnoxious kids, living at the apartment block right across my balcony (the irony). He seem to do quite well for himself, owns 2 cars with identical plate numbers and a fucking loud wife bigger than him. Although I still do not know what he does for a living, he seems to have this penchant for Taoist rituals – for I can see from my balcony that his house is full of those figurines of Taoist deities and a darkened ceiling from the excessive incense smoke. On and off the time of the year, he’d organize a ritual with gongs and cymbals to appease his deities and it’s an unbecoming sight / noise to everyone who lives here. (I was so tempted to shush him, like how he did it to us at school)

But that’s not the worst thing about him. It’s his wife. Funny that he lived almost a quarter of his life catching others not to be a sleaze or talk in the corridor, and he actually managed to find someone so uncouth like his wife. I mean, he could have used the senses he developed as a prefect over the years for a more careful selection, but I guess he failed at that. His wife is a disaster. I could hear his wife sneeze about 5 times in the evening everyday, if she’s not screaming obscenities at her (his) kids (the noise would reverberate across the whole block, not making this up). His wife was extremely fat, and looked like an embodiment of all evil, probably pummeled him up on and off, or when he’s not up to her ‘code’ – of you know, being sensitive to her lardy ass and not be such a fucking disappointment. I guess that’s probably why he turned to the myriad of Taoist deities for help, because that’s his only hope now… banging gongs and cymbals to exorcise whatever demon that has been possessing his wife that makes his life oh so motherfucking miserable. Karma’s definitely a bitch for him, in the form of his wife… I’d say, he deserved it.

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September 1, 2013

asswipe loser

Callow Gen Y colleagues in their early 20s. I have many of them in Company T. Some good some bad. But the worst of the lot, by sheer ill of luck, happens to be in my team. (Fuck me)

23 years old, the guy looks like he has been spending too much time in front of the mirror and at the gym, joined in about a year ago as a fresh graduate trainee (about a month after I’ve joined Company T). He had his hair styled like half David Beckham and half Ronaldo of Portugal, he thinks he looks awesome (or at least it appears to be). But deep inside that turgid head with fancy hairstyle of his, are nothing but filth and mud that are probably good only for lifting multiple dumb-bells and occasional hard-to-understand semi-murmurs of what seem to be an attempt to communicate that he has to repeat a few times to make any listener comprehend.

I learned from my other colleagues, that this piece of walking disaster shit was purportedly hired because he has an excellent academic records of some sort, but I seriously doubted that claim. If a person of his caliber (or the lack of it) is considered ‘smart’ by any definition in existence, then my balls must be a genius for just having a wrinkly sack around them. Believe it or not, a year after he joined as a fresh graduate trainee, he still hasn’t got any clue what’s he doing. In fact, he’s been getting more confused as the time progresses. Academically excellent!? My ass!

From what I managed to gather from my own observation, the guy seems to have this mentality that he’s still in college – where everything is spoonfed to him like he hasn’t weaned off his mother’s teats. Whenever he is confounded with problems, instead of using his own competency to resolve them (and therefore, learn in the process), the guy would stop dead in his tracks and wait for someone else to solve his shit for him. I’ll quote a couple of examples:

– There was once he was tasked to install an utility for a USB port programmer. He was given a URL to download the installation file. Guess what happened? He downloaded the file, and asked what he should do with it. Had to tell him how to fucking install it. Then after installation, he asked what to do with the USB programmer. “You see this sole USB connector on the programmer? Where do you reckon it should be plugged into?”

– I tasked the guy to strip some insulation off some blue wires with a wire cutter for some jumper rework chores. The guy spent the whole morning CUTTING the wires, and only came to me for advice when he realized he wasn’t doing it right. “You don’t fucking know how to strip insulation off a wire??”. Had to show him.

And many more. As if it’s not bad enough, he’d also been sleeping on the job, watching sissy ass Korean dramas from his iPhone during working hours, shirking off in the office Facebooking and spending most of his time chatting on IM with his similarly retarded friends. There was once I tried to teach him something about the job (which is weird, considering the fact that I joined just 1 month earlier than he did), he interrupted me halfway to install some software with his notebook. I had to tell him to stop being such a disrespectful prick, to which he responded with a snigger.

So what do I do with this piece of useless asswipe loser junk now? I think I’m going to propose for him to get an axe in his next review. Hate to do this but, he has to go.

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February 26, 2013

do not judge a book by its cover

When I first saw my boss’ boss – let’s call him Vlad for conveniences’ sake – I thought he looked all too familiar to me. He is bald, dressed very informally, and is emaciated. Seriously, had he not been introduced to me as the boss’ boss, I would have mistaken him as the parking attendant or something. If he is trying to not look like a boss, he’s definitely doing it at the Oscar level well.

Anyway, that was six months ago when I first joined Company T. The feeling of him looking awfully familiar eventually faded away… until the other day during our regular meeting, when my wilting memory suddenly hit me like a freight train, on where I might had seen Vlad before. It was in the school magazine, many years ago! I didn’t know him, this Vlad, but I recalled him being one of the top scorers in the A levels back when I was in my primary years, and his picture was plastered in a page, dedicated to high performing scorers basking in fame. I wasn’t sure at first but, I confirmed it after excavating for the said old school magazine and found the page I was looking for. It was Vlad in his old glory days, the same person I saw years ago on the school magazine.

Now, there were hundreds of such individuals (top scorers) in the stack of school magazines I own, one would probably ask – what makes it so compelling to remember his face, even after all these years? (for the record, I don’t remember anyone else other than Vlad) Well, it was for the same reason – the doubt I had when I first see him. The picture of Vlad being a top scorer was as unbelievable as when I first learned he’s the boss at Company T. I was like “What? This guy? Top scorer? He looks like a burglar!”. For real. Who would have thought, after 20 over years, I’d meet this guy in the most unexpected way, and to have the same deja vu feeling of “What? This guy?”. Shit can get pretty weird sometimes.

And as I found out, he turned out to be a great guy.

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