Archive for the ‘characters’ Category

October 24, 2003


My wife Emily, she has a friend who has a big ass. But that’s not something relevant to what I’m about to write here… just a side observation.

Anyway, this friend of her’s? Let’s call her Sweety for convenience’s sake. She is in her late 20’s, tall, slim, long haired, quite decent looking and for some unknown reason, she’s still single. And gosh, she sure is desperate for a boyfriend. So desperate, that she’ll go to the extreme of asking around her friends… if they know any guy who is looking for a girlfriend – “hey, you girls know of any bloke who is single, caring, handsome, rich, loving and yet available? If yes… can introduce him to me?”

And of course, she would get responses like “no girl .. you read too much fairy tales” or “they don’t exist anymore”.

So, being her friend and kind hearted people, Emily and I did her a favor a few years back, we organized for a social gathering event in a karaoke joint with the BODs. (BOD = Board Of Directors, my closest of close buddies). As they were all pretty much single back then, I expected that there would sparks with at least one of them. But the outing turned out to be a total flop, as the event sort of unexpectedly became an alcohol drinking competition between us guys. One of the guys told me in his most drunken state, that Sweety was too domestic, which he unreservedly refer as “highschool student”… and hinted they wanted something wild with plenty excitement and sex. (like, who doesn’t??)

And there was a second attempt. I match made my colleague BigSnake with Sweety, and it didn’t work out as well. Now this colleague of mine, BigSnake, is the type of guy that would simply dig any garbage he sees. He would hook up with anything indiscriminately and so, I thought matchmaking both of them would be a good idea. But the relationship ended after a few dates, and poor Sweety was out searching again. That was when I started to suspect that there must be something about her that repels the guys off. But I wasn’t sure. Until recently.

After the failure with Bigsnake, Sweety met another guy whom she deliriously claimed to be ‘THE ONE’. He allegedly could charm her like a bitch emitting its pheromone that attracts dogs from all over the neighborhood. Only that he’s of the opposite sex and she’s having him all by herself. He purportedly was a gentleman, would accompany her 24/7, humorous and was one in a million.

So, she finally found herself a good guy. Or so it seemed. The relationship started out fine for only a few months, before she discovered that the was beginning to turn into someone she didn’t think he was. The guy started to have his own things to do, have his own buddies to hang out with, was spending less than a few hours with her in a week and probably even farted in front of her. That got Sweety really upset, to realize that her prince charming was in fact nothing more than an average Joe (or a frog). That was when she did something crazy – she began to bombard the guy with nasty SMS’s and eventually, got Joe really pissed off and he finally dumped her.

Sweety came to Emily wailing like a banshee about her misfortune. In between her tears, she iterated that she wanted to have babies before reaching 30 (and that kinda scared the shit out of me a bit) and time is really running out for her. Emily was in dilemma. She’s not a guy and she wasn’t in the best position to give Sweety the best advice. And then it would be awkward for Sweety to express such things in front of me – because this was such a delicate girl-thing.

So the best way that I could help, was to dispense some advice through my proxy, Emily, to her – on tips to understand a typical guy. And since I’m such a great guy by nature, I’m doing this en masse, by making them available in my blog for reference here. I figured, that this probably might be of help for some desperate single girls out there… who knows.
Disclaimer : The list of advices is based on my 26 years experience of being a GUY. If you’re the kind of person that is sensitive over gender related discussions/debates, I would strongly suggest you to stop here, and go somewhere else.

Here they are, the key things to win a man’s heart, in no particular order.

1) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.
2) Guys love to see his own girl pretty. So, judge what to wear best and groom yourself well.
3) Guys hate girls that gripe incessantly in a date. Nonsense like what you and your friends talked about on the phone. Try to converse naturally.
4) Try not to get over excited easily. Guys love to see their girls act like a matured woman, not a retarded teenager who snorts basically with any absurd joke she hears.
5) Bad breath is the most destructive element in a relationship. Do something about your breath (as we guys do).
6) Being quiet doesn’t make you a debonair person. Guys prefer an interesting conversation anytime over “sitting around staring at the stars and listening to the wind blows”.
7) If a guy happens to bring you to a restaurant, for heaven’s sake, PLEAASSEE… finish your fucking food. Or at least try to. Guys will not think that you’re a slim and fit bombshell when you don’t fucking eat… but would feel absofuckinglutely annoyed, if you waste his money by not eating.
8) Try not to act desperate. Guys love challenges. They will know how to work their way up towards winning your heart (that is, if you’re up to their expectation). You don’t feed the tigers, you let them hunt. Same thing. If they don’t hunt you, you’re probably not good enough. Just fuck off.
9) Don’t try to act like you’re very smart, even if you are. The key idea, is not to outsmart the guy even if he is dimwitted. If you like the guy, and you want the relationship to work, let him outsmart you. He’d feel the love. (I reckon this shouldn’t be hard if you’re in love with that dimwit)
10) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.

Alright, that should do it. Enough to leave a good impression for a second follow up date.

If you’re offended or pissed with what I’ve just written, I’m sorry… go fuck yourself or something.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
October 8, 2003

eric the disturbed – sick remark

While I was out for lunch with the guys today, Eric saw a couple of dogs mating by the road side and made this remark:

“Well, how nice it is to be a dog. If you saw any bitch you like, you can just go ahead to mount & hump it indiscriminately without worrying anything about responsibility. See bitch, hump bitch. So simple. Definitely better than being a human. Fuck.”

We almost choked ourselves into comatose from laughing.

Apparently, he has been facing this trouble with a female colleague, whom he had admired for quite sometime – we’ll call her Peg (a good looker in her early 30’s). But this is only known amongst his ring of lunch buddies.

It appears that recently, there has been a negative development between Eric and the chick. Eric somehow noticed that every time he went near Peg, she would immediately distant herself from Eric – as if she knows about Eric having wet fantasies about her. He was like, a walking chick repellent – chicks would dive for cover with him in proximity. He walks near, she disappears, you get the idea.

And this, has made Eric a very distraught man. At some point, he even got to the state of asking everyone if we had said anything bad about him to Peg. Needless to say, none of us did. She must have learned about it through some other medium. Probably from Eric’s lewdy body language itself. You know, he has this really kinky way of scanning female bodies, as if he is trying to mentally rape the subject with his super x-ray vision. So, it isn’t hard for anyone to suspect. Especially Peg. He must have too carried away at one time (drooling) until his disguise gave way and scared the shit out of Peg. He’s probably in Peg’s ‘pervert-to-lookout’ list by now and the alert shared amongst her female colleagues…

Poor Eric.

And that’s why he took on the canine free sex practice. It was not a homage to the dogs. It was a disguised lamentation about his unfortunate fate. I was about to tell him that dogs lick their own balls and anus… but I guess I should leave the poor man alone. I shouldn’t rub salt on his already wounded self esteem. :P

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
October 6, 2003

hate list

I’m not in my best of mood today and decided to ‘let everything out’ by blindly composing a list of people (or characters) that I hate most. If anyone here isn’t too happy about this, go fuck yourself.

Elton John – I hate this chicken head faggot because he has a real bad taste in fashion and he sings like a mutated frog with sore throat. I hate his hairstyle, his songs and his goddamn piano. He is a walking disaster to the music industry.

Moos – My workplace’s HR director. She looks like the female version of Jabba the Hutt. Hell, her voice even sounded the same like Jabba’s. She bellows when she talks and she leaves slimy marks on the floor (like a fucking slug) wherever she schleps. Apart from her tragic outlooks, I hated her because she’s the one who altered all our employee benefits for her own benefit… If we’re in the real Star Wars realm, I would have burnt her labia with a lightsaber.

Rob – my ex-undead boss. He is the worst boss in the world, if not the universe. I hate him more than roaches. He is nothing but a mindless festering piece of decomposed corpse who goes around messing with people’s life and he ought to be obliterated for good.

Skeleton Lady – A management figure in my workplace. A bulimic bitch snob and also a hypocrite. Always brag about how rich she is and can never stop acting like a consummate cunt. Got class my ass – people like her ought to be hung and shot and hung again.

Bubba – the cafeteria roti canai cook at my workplace. This motherfucker knows nothing about roti canai. His roti canai are hard like flattened erasers (or used condoms) and the gravy is practically water mixed with cheap curry powder. He is an insult to the food industry and he ought to be put to sleep like Rob. I had sent many complaints to the canteen committee (led by Moos) and still, there hasn’t been any action taken against this shit head. Maybe that’s because they’re having an affair (Moos – Bubba).

TFS – Abbreviation for ‘The Finance Slut’. A name co-created by myself and my colleague for a finance accountant in my workplace. She’s an annoying airport bitch who kept asking us irrelevant questions just to feel important. When we asked her to fuck off and leave us alone, she back stabbed us by injecting lies about us to our boss. Fucking bitch ass motherfucking cunt.

Egg – A junior supplier rep whom I dealt with frequently. He is an annoying prick. Always ask stupid questions. And what’s made worst, is that this guy has halitosis! His breath ranks so bad that it emits radioactive rays and causes cancer. That’s why I always dive for cover whenever he opens his mouth. Fuck!

Cockroach – an insect/vermin/terrorist that has outlived the dinosaurs. Know why the dinosaurs extincted? It was because of the roaches’ fucking smell. Everytime I see a roach, I will stomp on it till all its green entrails squirt out. I’ll then pour gasoline on its remains and smother the shit out of it.

Christina Aguilera (if i spelled it correctly) – Her voice sounded like someone choking on a strand of pubic hair from a hardcore oral sex, and her fake titties are revoltingly revolting. Makes me sick just by looking at her.

Freddy – The guy who sits near the entrance inside my office area. Goddamn, I fucking hate him (for no reason).

Dickhead – An asshole manager. He speaks loudly and acts condescendingly to his employees but behaves like a wiener when confronted by people of higher ranks. A typical snoot. I just hope someday he would be reporting back to his own employee and eat back the shits that he always barf on others.

Barney the Purple Dinosaur – Aren’t dinosaurs supposed to be extincted ??? This stupid piece of purple lardy lizard with beer belly ought to be hung, shot, hung again and fed to the sharks.

That’s about it. I’ll add more if i recall more of them later …

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
August 4, 2003

Eric – the disturbed + dangerous

Eric is a VERY DANGEROUS DRIVER! Man… I was at the edge of my seat when that guy drove us to lunch today. Switching from the outer lane to the inner without signals… making illegal u-turns in the heavy traffic… sudden pull overs whenever he notices something that interests him… etc. He should be banned from driving man… his existence is endangering other road users.

I can imagine if Eric were to race for the McLaren team… ishh… Ron Dennis would smack his own head so often.. that his skull would turn into a lopsided+flat gorilla head shape. There will be a constant need for a safety car… and Malaysian stormtroopers would probably consider banning the idea of telecasting F1 on national TV – for confusing the mind of already screwed up Malaysian motorists.

A couple of bad news:
– My HK trip had to be cancelled due to lack of headcounts for the tour. Damn it. Now… either I’ll have to go to another tour agent… or I’ll have to consider vacationing to other places… It’s a tough choice with limited budget & time…

– Doug told me about the recruitment freeze incident. That means… I will have to stay in Rob’s department longer… while waiting for the position to be available. Arrghh… what have I done to deserve this?? Why is the economy so shitty when I needed so much from my career? Why can’t I have a normal boss like everyone else?? This is all Rob’s fault… why was he born on the same planet as I was? Or why does he even exist in the first place? FUCKKK.

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