Archive for the ‘characters’ Category

March 27, 2005

ken

Guys, I want to show you something here. Remember the gay troll Ken? Who has the uncanny hatred towards his own race – Chinese? Who uses his ‘dumbass’ friend’s nick as his own’s? Who can’t comprehend the simplest of English and yet snobbish enough to correct others… with a MISTAKE?

Well, I found his blog. Apparently, he’s just a teenager. An ardent gamer. Whatever. After I have I ‘blocked’ him, he couldn’t get most of his comments through… and decided to take it all out by posting it out in his blog. Yes, to troll me up in his own blog.

That’s very bright of him. Hmmmmppffhhh. And he hasn’t even completed his high school yet. Oh my god. And he kept stressing that he hates Chinese. I wonder who he likes… Banglas? Or perhaps some cannibals in the Amazonian jungle ? I don’t know.

But then, his blog isn’t really that popular. Hence, I’m inclined to promote his blog here – hoping that he’ll get some hits and people listening to him.

All, please hover to Ken’s blog through the URL below…

http://www.fat404.tk/

More info about Ken…

Date of Birth : 09 May 1987
Place of Birth : Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
Race : Chinese
Language Spoken : English, Chinese, Malay
Primary School : SRJK (C) Pekan Lama
Secondary School : SMJK Sin Min
Address : Sungai Petani, Kedah Darul Aman, Malaysia.
E-Mail Address : fat404@yahoo.com [Never change unless I die or Yahoo! down].
Where to be seen : Counter-Strike 1.6 Singapore Server, 56thesohai.tk, Yahoo!, ICQ.
Yahoo! ID : fat404
ICQ UIN : 115549442

Note to Ken : You’re a very ‘bright’ kid. Your mom must be so proud of you. But then if she were to be given a choice, I bet she would have chosen to give birth to a piece of lamb chop instead.

michaelooi  | characters  | 31 Comments
March 25, 2005

panda’s deadline

The latest piece of news I received from Wilson about Panda, was that she’s gonna be forced to resign and she has to do it by today. Well, no surprise for us… as this is the expected price one has to pay for under utilizing the brain when doing stuffs. The management pays you to work, not to be stupid.

For the past few weeks, she has been wanting to leave the company for good, but she kept procrastinating about the matter. Well, now that everyone is kinda pissed about the lack of progress (yes, we hoped), my lady director actually called for a meet up with Panda and had a lengthy discussion with her.

I do not exactly know what my director told her, but what I learnt from Wilson, was that Panda got out from the discussion at about 3pm… and immediately scampered into the toilet, shove her hollow brain container into the toilet bowl and flushed repeatedly till it bloated like a blowfish.

o_O”

Was kidding. She actually went in and cried until 5 pm. For those of you who is feeble in Maths, let me assist you here – that’s TWO FUCKING HOURS inside the toilet. Crying. (not to mention inhaling the ‘fresh air’ inside). And by the time she came out from the lavatory, her eyes were swollen like she has a testicle growing out from each eye.

And that was not all, she went back home and cried more, probably the whole night. We knew that because her eyes basically looked like Homer Simpson the next morning, all swollen up and with even larger radius of dark rims.

It was both intriguing and confusing for all of us. Why cry? Like crying could actually solve her problems? Or perhaps that was done for the sake of gaining sympathy (free sex from animals)?

I don’t know man, she’s damn weird. If that fails to convince you of this fact, dig this – she cuffs her jeans about 1 feet high, revealing her pair of black shiny leather shoes with her fully pulled up socks. Blearrgghh ! (her armpit’s probably unshaved too, but I’m not going to finding out).

I just hope that she would meet the deadline of dumping in her resignation letter by today – we’ve had enough suffering…

Wilson actually was kinda upset about all these happenings. He said that he’s probably gonna go for a vacation or something on the final week of her tenure here – just be somewhere else. Why? Because you’ll never know if she’s going to snap and go postal inside the office, cutting everybody up with a machete. (Unlikely a gun though, as she’s too dumb to figure out how to obtain one… and even if she were to be given one, she may not even know how to pull the trigger).

michaelooi  | characters  | 23 Comments
February 2, 2005

‘guy talk’

BigSnake and myself had a ‘guy talk’ today. At first, we were just having a simple prattle about girls, when he began to relate about his recent relationship conflict. He started out by referring his girlfriend as … well … “my girlfriend” … then later with more livid representations like “that bitch… cunt… ” … and before long, our discussion began to sound like we’re some chauvinist terrorists plotting to eradicate all dickless living creatures on Earth. Full of resentment and hate (and he’d regularly end each sentence with a “kanneh” to spice up his message)

Well, it appeared that he had just recently discovered that his girlfriend isn’t what she really was anymore. Of what used to be a girl of his dreams, has now turned into something he dreaded most – a female dog. He is upset about every bit of her – from the way she walks, to the way she talks. And he relived his nightmares to me like a Pro Wrestler denigrating an opponent. Huarrggg aarrhrhh *head butts a table*.

So, what actually happened back there? You see, BigSnake is a harmless guy. Yes, he eats wild animals, ogles at a tit or two and only goes whoring for not more than 10 times… but he has never delinquent as a good boyfriend. He always buy her presents, brings her to the finest restaurants and submissively porks her whenever she wants it hot. But instead of appreciating his benevolence, she took the relationship for granted. She became more and more greedy over the months… and eventually, selfishness possessed her. Everything that both of them does, would literally means, to suit her appeasement only.

Eg . She would rightfully claim that she thinks “Kungfu Hustle” is a shitty movie and refuse to watch it with BigSnake… but would get all peeved if BigSnake reserves the same opinion about “Phantom of the Opera”. BigSnake would then have no choice but to accompany her to watch that super shitty movie. (I mean, come on, how could a girl haul her own boyfriend along to watch that kind of sohai movie with her ? Who in their right mind would do that ? This is so inhumane.). BigSnake told me that he slept throughout the entire “Phantom of the Opera” screening …and later got a lot of scolding from that beast for failing to enjoy it.

You get the idea. Initially it was all cool for BigSnake, but after suffering for a few months, his accumulated anger reached its peak… and he snapped right in front of me today. He poured everything out like diarrhea… almost to the brink of punching an innocent motherboard lying nearby.

“Mah eh chee bye leh! Tiuuuu lei low mei!” – never had I heard BigSnake cussed in that professional manner before. I quickly gave him a few “cool down” advice before he went any madder. But I knew my efforts were futile. The real deal lies on his decision – whether to give his girl a chance to change… or dump that four-legged sasquatch … (Though I very much hoped he would just do the latter without further ado).

After a few more rounds of techicolored language rantings, he finally heaved a sigh of relief and cooled down. He then uttered :

“Man, nothing felt like expressing it out to a friend. Thanks. I think I’m gonna give that bitch another 6 months to change, and after that, I’m gonna dump her”.

I don’t know but, if I were to be in his shoes, I’m gonna probably bone her halfway and abandon her right before she climaxes the big O — so that it’ll be a painful break up for her to remember all her life. (in case you wondered about myself, I can always use my hands to even back the odds, not a problem)

I think we lacked of beers, else it would have been a perfect ‘guy talk’.

michaelooi  | characters  | 20 Comments
January 25, 2005

around my block

I have weird neighbors . You be the judge if I’m right.

– top floor, lives an Indian couple with 2 obnoxious kids. Each morning, the 2 kids will hold the elevator to wait for their always-late mother. They will hold it for 5, 10, and sometimes more than 15 minutes. Because that’s the only elevator we have in our 3 storey low density apartment, nobody else gets to use it when the entire elevator is hijacked by those cretins.

– 2nd floor (my floor). A Chinese family that lives 2 doors away from mine. Each time their kids (2 of them) leave for school, there will always be one of them that forgot to bring the schoolbag. And the mom will shout from the corridor down to his kid that he/she ‘forgot the schoolbag again’, 7 o’clock in the morning – waking every single living organism up.

– 2nd floor again. Another Chinese family that lives 3 doors away from mine. The mom will drive her car to the porch, and honk for her kids to come down. 7.10 am in the morning – waking every single living organism up again (who is still trying to get some sleep after the 7 o’clock showdown).

– 1st floor. A rich Indian blimp family. Everything’s fat in his family. The maid, the wife, the kids, and they even own a Naza Ria (a big ass vehicle with no standard). The wife drives the big Naza Ria, and she’ll crash into anything near her. Just look at their neighbor’s car. I feel so goddamn lucky that I do not own a parking lot next to theirs’. I’ve blogged about him before.

– Ground floor. Indian family. The family’s ok, but the wife’s not. I’ve never seen that bitch wearing anything else than a batik pajamas. What is her problem? Her problem is, the fetish to wash her car only when someone else is parking their car in that lot. I think I’ve also blogged about this neighbor before…

– 2nd floor, an old codger that lives alone. Used to live with his son who loves to park at other neighbor’s parking space. The son has since moved to Australia a few months back. Known to be a sleazebag (from the way the fungus grew and the run-down look of his apartment unit), that codger once went out to play tennis and left a pot of still cooking instant noodles burning, and almost burnt down his apartment unit. Until now, he still remains the record holder as the first and only tenant that has had a fire incident.

– my colleague who lives next door. She used to be an ok lady, until we (my family) realize that she’s the moody type. You know, on a fine day, she could be as friendly as a kitten on estrogen fix. But occasionally, she would act cocky like a stripper who had just struck a lottery… who wouldn’t even reply a simple greeting.

Geez, somebody tell me this isn’t about me being an antisocial.

michaelooi  | characters  | 31 Comments
January 15, 2005

what is kiwi ?

It’s Rod again. Rod is a smart guy, but he has got this irregular ‘blurness’ syndrome that would sometimes hit him all of a sudden. I’m fortunate enough to have encountered it once… But last Friday, I can be considered ‘too lucky’ to have encountered it again.

My colleagues and I were discussing about fruits at that time, about my instinctive disfavor of melons and anything that resembled its texture – mushy and seedy like that (except tomatoes). That was when someone brought up the name – Kiwi fruit. (If you don’t know what’s a Kiwi fruit, go find yourself a toilet bowl, put your head into it, and flush).

Well, it was all healthy Kiwi discussion when suddenly, Rod came up with a question that pretty much stunned everyone

Rod : “Just curious, is Kiwi grown from some kind of plant or tree?”

There was a moment of silence there. Then I answered him,

Me : “Nooooo duuuuuude. Kiwi is actually a kind of dog’s scrotum. They’re harvested from the animal’s crotch and people just eat it as a fruit. Did you notice its hairy skin and all that? That’s dog hair…”

Rod : [blushes]

Me : “It’s a FRUIT, man. Where the fuck else do you think it could have grown from??”

Rod had certainly added something valuable into his cache of general knowledge that day.

michaelooi  | characters  | 9 Comments