When I was a kid, I love to associate the front side of a car ….to a look of a face. That’s exactly what happened today during my lunch with the BOE’s (Board of Engineers).

Me : “Dude, check out that Nissan X-trail..”

Wilson : “What about it ?”

Me : “Piece of junk”

Wilson : “Couldn’t agree more..”

Me : “It’s front view reminded me the face of a crab. A big, hairy, fucking crab.”

Wilson : “Hahah .. yeah, it looks like a crab alright. Damn, they’re using seafood as an inspiration to design automobiles nowadays…”

Words can’t describe it. Just take a look at Nissan X-Trail, and it will automatically make your brain think of crabs … or some large crustacean critter beneath the ocean that feeds of rotten carcasses.

More examples :

Proton Wira would remind me the face of a cat.
BMW 5 series, a nasty face of a whale shark
Volvo S80 (dubbed as the Chinese casket with 4 wheels) reminds me of some old dude with a big nose
Honda City the flowerhorn fish car (with a matching tail and shape, goddamn).
Proton Juara looked like some freaked out stick insect.
I always associate Hyundai Sonata with Rob Steward’s face, or that Wormtongue guy in Lord of The Rings.
Perodua Kancil looked like a petite underaged female student wearing a big thick glass.
Hyundai Elantra had the look of some fat teenage geek with no life.
Toyota Vios …. a face of a small annoying mongrel (Odie)
Toyota Altis …. some faggot with a baby face
Know what Gen2 reminds me of ? A mime. You know what’s a mime ? A mime’s a freaking clown that mimics everything you do and annoys the shit out of you.
Nissan 130Y - some Chinese professor with thick collagen filled lips.

Will update more if I think of any.

History : I posted a review about Honda City 20 years ago in my blog. I’ve blogged about it’s weird looks - like a flowerhorn fish … and it’s trunk is too big to fit a few mother in laws.

A honda salesman then posted a comment to defend that flowerhorn fish car here.

Guess what ? Today, another Honda salesman posted something up to defend that fugly car. What amazes me is, HE POSTED THE SAME POINT ABOUT THE DARN CAR !. You salesman never learn, do you ? Here’s his post.

harrypotterpride45t posted :
“I think u didnt like the City’s looks agreed but here everyone loves the City for it looks- sporty .

Long looking cars are old fashioned dear friend its all about aerodynamics and merging lines and curves and city excels in this”

Again, my reply to this Honda salesman.

Dear Honda salesman a.k.a Harry Potter (hahah.. fuck.. he should be concerned on magic brooms). Thanks for commenting. I have a few comments about your post.

1) I have given up debating on Honda City’s looks. I’ve already said it articulately - It’s a goddamn ugly car. Nevermind the aerodynamics. Nevermind the curves. This is akin to judging a girl - no matter how round the girl’s rack or how curvy her ass is, if she’s looking like a swine with leprosy - she WILL be labeled as UGLY. Without parole.

2) Classy interiors ? Very subjective my friend. I’ve seen better. Check out all Peugeots, Citroens or even Renaults’ interior. You’ll get what I mean. So, this point is void (baseless).

3) Comfort ? If it was driven between 0 to 80kph - yes. But hell, all vehicles are suppose to be comfortable at that speed.
Post 100, the stability decreases and wind noise apparent. Not very significantly impressive if you ask me. My car can do over 160 without feeling a slight vibration. Like I’ve stressed in my previous post, Honda City is a compact sedan. It has limited ability when it comes to speeeeeed.

4) Long looking car old fashion ? Duuuuude. Please. Long front means there’s a monster engine inside the hood. Short back means a 2 seater/doors with no trunk room to store mother in laws (coz the owners are mostly single). Sorry to disappoint you but, these kind of architecture still dominates the top end market .. and they are the cars that still defines one’s standard. (check out Mazda RX-8 for example)

5) The only thing good about Honda City is the fuel consumption - which I agree it’s damn impressive. But one could be paying more to maintain the CVT when it comes to wear and tear … so, LPPL.

6) Try to use punctuation marks next time. It really makes your sentence easier to read.

Damn, why do all Honda salesman have problems with punctuation marks ? Or could it be that they are the same person ? Well, not that I care anyway.

I was doing about 120kph on a freeway this morning, when suddenly, a Waja appeared out of nowhere behind me. Actually, I was on the express lane, but was hindered by a Pajero in front of me (else I would have gone Mach 3 speed).

The Waja did not honk me but instead, tailed real close. I was like - wow, our national car can really go fast. That was so out of my expectation. I’ve heard rumors that a Proton car could explode, disintegrate or something when it was throttled beyond the 100 kph mark. But today, I witnessed it with my own eyes, that was all untrue.

Alright, I went a bit further, by maneuvering my car into the middle lane and smoke some rubber. I did 150 kph this time - the Proton Waja, which to my surprise, followed suit. Oh goddamn, that was so unbelievable ! I overtook the whole string of vehicles on the express lane and sway back in front of them. My meter reads 160 kph. I took another look at my rear view mirror, that Waja was still tailing me (albeit it had kept some distance) ! Unbelievable ! I was very startled by the engineering marvel of our own national car. Simply out of this world.

Come think of it, Waja is actually an amazing car. It offers so many features at a price that is so reasonable, no doubt this is the car of choice for many young Malaysians.

One of the most notable pros of Waja is this safety feature called “the crumple zone” - where the car would fold itself and crumple whenever it hits anything head on, sideways or backwards. This is to absorb the impact of any directional momentum - minimizing the risk of injury and maximizing the cost of repair. Take for example, Ah Seng reverses his Waja into a parking lot and it hit another car with it’s rear. Thanks to the “crumple zone” safety feature, Ah Seng’s car practically had it’s rear bumper crumpled beyond recognition. Ah Seng would have seriously lost his life right inside the parking lot if the bumper did not crumple to absorb the impact. Kudos to Proton !

Then there’s this unique feature called “Automatic glove compartment warning system”, which was an internationally well known feature. Whenever a Waja overspeeds on a road or going through some really rough terrain, the glove compartment drawer will automatically open - attracting the driver’s attention, prompting him to slow down. Slowing down more often will indirectly help to prolong the life of the absorbers and springs, not to mention reducing the risk of overspeeding. This is a genius invention by Proton, which uses a low tech / simple mechanism, to trigger a preventive measure on preserving the reliability of the vehicle.

Has anyone heard about the super high tech “poka-yoke headlights triggering system (PYHTS)” ? If you have not heard of it, then shame on you. You see, Malaysian youths are known to be immaculate sleazebags. They don’t normally send their cars for checkup unless something is wrong with it. That’s where Proton’s PYHTS comes into play. From time to time, one of it’s headlights will automatically burn it’s own filament out without reason, triggering the car owner to send his car for immediate repair. And in the process of replacing the bulb, the car would be thoroughly checked for problems — which is kinda like a health check. There would be no chance at all for the vehicle to fail (even if it fails, there’s still a crumple zone to save your life.)

And the windows. One may ask, how could an innocent car window enhance a driving experience ? For Proton Waja, in many ways. It’s windows are not like any ordinary windows. Those are smart windows invented by Proton. It has this build in artificial intelligence (AI) that will automatically jam itself halfway each time a person tries to wind the windows up. Why ? 2 reasons

1) Since Waja has a powerful engine, speeding at neck breaking speed can be very dangerous. To counter that, the AI would calculate the appropriate wind compensation to drag the vehicle at a safe speed - by advertently jamming the windows ! (jamming the window will interrupt the car’s aerodynamic flow when the wind pours in from the jammed opening, thus reducing the speed).

2) The cooling effect. Air conditioning are often blamed for causing high fuel consumption. By jamming up the windows and allowing an adequate opening, part of the cooling function would be compensated by the external wind - hence, the driver can choose to turn off the air conditioning as he prefers.

A window, that can enhance the safety, and improve fuel consumption. A stone that kills 2 birds. Who would have thought that ? Not the Germans, not the French, but our very own Proton engineers.

Alright, the list could go on forever if I continue like this. I’ll save the talking and do the walking.

I posted a review about Honda City 20 years ago in my blog. Could not remember well what I’ve commented about it, but then, if I’m not mistaken, I think I’ve complained about it’s weird looks - that it looked like a flowerhorn fish … and it’s trunk is too big to fit a few mother in laws.

Guess what ? Someone actually commented about it today. Probably a Honda salesman or something. Here’s his post :

“It seems people are’nt simply ready to accept crisp , futuristc looks of the new honda city .If u call it ugly listen this -if u look at this car then any other car in this world would seem outdated and traditional. Now for me anything outdated is straightaway ugly.

new city represents just one thing-ie looks taking precedence over space utility and safety and function over form and if you dont agree this is the way of future!Long bonnets are useless -just make interiors cramped and difficult to manage-crisp sleek indeed very modern is the bonnet of new honda city .The new city’s tall profile indeed an suv type seating hieght matchless gives an aura of control on the road rather than the older city version which was hardly visible due to it’s extremely low hieght and belive me low slung absolutely suck-it is the interior comfort which is definitely more important than looks bcoz my dear friends you stay inside the car and not outside!Well almost all about looks -The city is definitely-crisp ,tall ,modern,sporty , flowing shape rather than bieng boxy (boxy means ugly and outdated) -those who like the city’s looks just love it my dear friend appreciate the modernism and forget about short front and long back”

I decided to reply him here because I think it’s an interesting topic. Here’s my reply to the Honda salesman.

Dear Honda salesman. Thanks for commenting. I have a few comments about your post.

1) You know why I think the new Honda City is ugly ? Because it’s really ugly. It’s too tall for a car of that size. It’s trunk is too damn big. It’s front is too short. It’s ugly, period. Never had I seen a car so ugly before. Heck, it’s so out of proportion, that you would mistakenly open the rear door thinking it’s the front. It’s the matter of opinion I guess.

2) Look at this car, and any other car would seem outdated and traditional ? Dude, please. We’re all grown up. We don’t dig that kind of baseless shit, k ?

3) Appreciate modernism ? Forget about short front and long back ? Does that mean, people who drives a brand new Prelude .. or Mustang in the US … or the hot rod enthusiast that spent grands … are all conservative and anti modernism ? Low slung absolutely suck ? So ? Factory bus is the best vehicle out there I suppose ? Dude, do you have any idea what is “center of gravity” ? Control .. my friend, is directly proportional on how low your car is. The higher the car, the wider the wheel base it must have - and Honda City my friend, is a compact sedan. It’s main selling point is - cheap and economic. Control ? Low speed yes ler …

4) It’s interior comfort is mediocre. I’ve been inside the new Honda City. Impressive for a compact sedan, I must say. But I’ve seen better. And I have to disagree with you on the interior comfort is more important than anything else. The idea of an automobile in 21st century has changed. People want to look good in them. They want to be noticed. Look at those poor ah bengs and mat racings…. they desperately whores for attention by installing multicolored bulbs on their cars. All the glittering wheels, all the paint jobs. Translates to attention. If your car looks like a flowerhorn fish, no matter how comfy your cabin is - you’ll still feel out of place. And that’s a fact. If you’re really a car salesman, you should bear that in mind.

And dude, try to use punctuation marks next time. It really makes your sentence easier to read.

P/S: I bought a car that looked much better than Honda City a month after that review. It was designed by Pininfarina, came with everything City has to offer (’cept the CVT gearbox of course)… and was much bigger & LONGER than City. Can do 180 kph without floaty and no wind noise (City are known to have problems with it’s wind noise post 110 kph.) I paid for the same price. Her name is Lorraine.

*long post…

I never was or will be a religious guy … and never really believed in god or something like that. A libertine of sorts. But the opposite goes for my mom. Poor mom still believes in god … especially the God of Fortune which she believed would brought her a lot of luck … and wealth.

That’s why, out of her dilapidated mind, she insisted me to take my new car (Lorraine) for a blessing on Saturday morning. A blessing from the gods to ensure my car is rid of all evils and safe to be used as a transport. (truth is …. she wanted my number to go up first prize in 4D). Which I protested. But she threatened to scratch Lorraine if I didn’t comply to her requirements.

So, I would have no choice but to dig my ass up from bed for a visit to our local indian temple for a blessing on my new car. Yep, you heard it right, Indian temple. I do not know why but, it has been a formal practice of sorts to have our new cars blessed by Indian gods. Perhaps the Chinese gods doesn’t have the expertise/technology to handle our cars…. *shrugs

I was still feeling nauseous from having too much drink on Friday night with my boss — and to wake up alone was a torture for me, what more to drive in that groggy state. Nevertheless, I managed to make it to the indian temple with Emily, which was located approximately the distance to the moon away…

Upon reaching there, I enquired a dude who was sitting behind a counter (yes, they have a counter at that temple) about some blessing service on my new car. Without even needing much explanation, the guy whipped out a book of receipt and asked for my car’s registration number — which I promptly gave him. He then filled in my name & my car registration number into that “receipt”… which was actually a “ticket” that costs 15 bucks … and asked me to pay up before submitting the “ticket” to their priest.

The priest was hanging out with some of his buddies chewing betel leafs (sirih) when we approached him. He seemed to understand what to do when I passed him the “ticket” and guided me to a shrine with a wealth of milk / coconut offerings. He asked for my car keys and buried it inside a coconut bowl full of flowers …. and started chanting some ancient mantra … which I think could probably be the words of praises to the gods so that He would ensure my ABS brakes are working properly when required … my rack&pinion power steering are durable till eternity…. my airbags would respond effectively in case of trouble …. etc etc.

I was thinking of requesting the priest to ask God for an extra 50 or so horse power on Lorraine’s engine but hey … for 15 bucks … i think that’s too much. I’m a very considerate person. Anyway, upon finishing the chant, the priest gave us some ash, followed by some yellowish powder (which I think is turmeric powder) and some red colored ones as well — all to be marked on our forehead. Then, the priest poured us some holy water to be consumed — which I reckoned was suppose to reduce the thirst that I’m having from the heavy drinking the night before. How understanding.

Then, the priest retired back to that corridor chewing more betel leafs … while his assistant (which have an uncanny resemblance of Samuel L Jackson) passed us a tray of religious offering comprised of coconuts, flower petals and some camphor. We were then asked to walk a full round encircling the shrine while carrying that tray. Upon completion, Samuel (the priest assistant) then led us to our new car and began to chant even more mantras. This time, I think it’s about the tyres … make sure they don’t get punctured easily …. make sure the fuel consumption of the car is good ….. make sure the drag coefficient of my car is reduced like an F1 aerodynamics ….. etc etc.

After completing the chant, Samuel then began sticking moisted turmeric powder on various parts of my car : top of windscreen … both number plates …. rear windscreen … all the 4 wheels …. and even one on my steering. Emily asked me what’s the moisted turmeric powder (which looked like an orange coloured plasticine/play-doh) suppose to do …. I told her that the god was placing some “spiritual” sensors around our car … so that He’ll be able to watch over us through somekind of CCTV from his place. That was just a joke to lighten up the moment … the fact is I don’t even know what it’s suppose to do for our car excepted some grave concern that it could probably discolour our car paint when it was diluted by the rain water.

Then, Samuel stuck a lime under each of our 4 tyres, which he then asked me to drive slightly forward to squish them. Again, I do not know why I’ll have to squish those innocent limes, but I reckoned those limes could be some sort of metaphorical object to represent those illegal motorcycle racers on the road ….. squish them so that they won’t get in our way…. something like that. Then, Samuel burn up a pinchful of camphor on top of a coconut … and for what unseemly to be an endless of odd procedures, he asked me to break that coconut on the floor.

At this point, I remembered that my mom actually told me that the coconut should be completely smashed …else I will have bad luck for eternity (yeah right). So, I took no chances and proceed to fling that coconut with all my might on the floor — which it disintegrated into smaller pieces and spraying it’s water in random direction… soaking my bermuda shorts wet. This time, the coconut represented those vagabonds driving heavily modified automobiles with loud exhaust pipes …… smash them into pieces so that they would be instantly repelled within the vicinity of Lorraine. Muahahah …

Samuel then began to strew an abundant amount of flower petals on our car, which looked superbly nice and colourful …. until he opened our car door and scattered the remaining of the petals into our car dash. Emily and I were flabbergasted by what Samuel did. The petals, pollens, stigma and buds were littered all over my car’s interior. Is that suppose to be somekind of message from God that we need to vacuum our car more often ?

The flower flinging ceremony marked the end of the blessing … and I was finally allowed to go home after that grim episode of attention demanding procedures. Driving never felt any safer after the bless …. and surprisingly, Lorraine responded better too … horsepower increase … i suppose.