Archive for the ‘3-of-us’ Category

January 5, 2010

the world according to…

The world according to… my 3.5 year old daughter:

– The kindergarten she’s attending is not called a kindergarten. It’s called a ‘school’ because she would never attend a kindergarten.

– The day she becomes a ‘grown up’ is the day she knows how to use the porcelain bowl at the toilet in the mall. She should be about 10 years old then.

– If she ever misbehaves when she becomes a grown up, a hyena will materialize out of nowhere and eat her dress.

– When her father dies (that’s me), she’d have to inconveniently drive the black family car to the zoo herself. She should be about 10 years old by then.

– All animals have stinking backside. Ergo, if your backside stinks, you must be an animal.

– The singular for ‘horse’ is ‘whore’. (explanation here)

– Old people should keep short and curly hair, they shouldn’t ever grow long straight hair. Vice versa (young people shouldn’t keep curly hair)

– Every man should know how to sing Foreigner’s ‘Waiting for A Girl Like You’ because it is a VERY nice song.

– Coffee is for men. Children and women should not drink coffee.

– She’s not obliged to go for a bath if she is not sweating.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 6 Comments
September 16, 2009

technical knockout

I accidentally spilled a few drops of milk on the bed. My wife Emily jokingly reprimanded me in front of my 3 year old daughter Regine – that if the stain were to attract ants to the bed, she would make me sleep on the stain with the ants. This got Regine pretty animated and asked my wife to let me sleep on the stain right away (without waiting for the ants to come).

I decided to pull her legs

Me : “I’d love to sleep on the bed by myself… it makes my back feel better…”

I’ve been having a bad back lately

Regine : “Are you sure?”

Me : “Oh, yes. Definitely.”

Regine : “You like dirty things?”

She was referring to the milk stain. She must have found it strange that I liked the idea of sleeping on the stain.

Me : “What? No. I said I like to sleep on the bed by myself.”

With a look of utter disgust, my daughter then said this to me…

Regine : “You are a naughty man.”

I think she wanted to use the adjective ‘gross’ or ‘disgusting’, but she conveniently substituted it as ‘naughty’ instead. And before I could come up with a retort, she added in another adjective to illustrate her contempt of me further…

Regine : “You are a naughty, fat, man.”

That was like, another kick in the crotch after getting a finishing blow. Emily was laughing like a jackass when I was reeling in from the shock. The things a kid could say nowadays… sheesh.

In case you couldn’t tell the language of a child, the word ‘fat’ in their dictionary means, something as bad as being a total douche bag. It is by no means an allusion that the person the child is referring to – is physically doughy or has an out-of-scale BMI. Or fat. No I’m not. (she must have mistaken the six packs as ‘fat’. Or my massive pecs). Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | Comments Off
September 1, 2009

obsolete

I was hanging out in the family convenient store at Emily’s hometown last weekend, when my 3 year old daughter Regine spotted a contraption near where we sat, pointed at it and said,

“Daddy! I want to play!”

It was a telephone.

“No Regine. That’s a telephone, not a toy.”

My daughter then gave me this puzzled look. I wasn’t suspecting anything, but merely explained further,

“You see, someone might want to use it to call somebody. If you’re playing with it, then they won’t be able to do that.”

She then asked me in a rather surprised tone “Daddy, this is a handphone?”

She actually meant ‘is that like a cellphone?’. You see, I didn’t realize that all along, we do not have a telephone in our home. All we have are cellphones, and a cordless phone when she was barely 2 years old. The closest thing to a phone she has ever seen was a colorful toy telephone with wheels. And even that does not come with an RJ11 cable attached to its base (only a cord to the handset). So she naturally thought that the (real) telephone she saw, was a toy. Now, who would have thought that such a thing could happen? My 3 year old daughter not knowing what a goddamn telephone is. Had to explain to her that the damn thing works like a cellphone, except that it is more inconvenient, and ridiculously huge…

I didn’t know that a telephone is already an obsolete thing from the past…

Come think of it, there are so many ‘everyday items’ from my childhood that my daughter has not seen before. A couple that I can think of right now…

– Cassette players. Plays magnetic tapes in cassettes that hold our audio sources. CDs weren’t that popular in the 80’s (I only bought my first CD when I was 17 – Bon Jovi’s Cross Road). An mp3 device was not invented yet. My mom used to have tonnes of The Beatles, Bee Gees and disco mixes from the 70’s and 80’s (stars on 45 etc) in cassettes she recorded from her colleagues. With a little skill, one could dub a compilation of favorite songs in a blank cassette (without the ‘DOOOOKKKK’ sound in between songs) with a dual deck cassette player. It would take a little over an hour just to record a 60 minute cassette. My Regine now listens to her countless of favorite songs through a miniscule flash drive.

– VCRs. Video cassette recorders. Like audio cassette players, VCRs play our video sources in cassettes as well, called VHS cassettes. VCRs also have these potentiometers labeled as ‘tracking’, for us to adjust, in case the static on the picture becomes unbearable (if you don’t know what it is, you’re fucking lame). Has the tendency to get stuck whenever your mom gets home while you’re enjoying porn. I watched many memorable movies on VHS cassettes (and my first porn, of course, with my cousins). Today, my Regine watches her flicks in DivX format either on daddy’s lap, or streamed to the TV through various flashable medias, at her discretion.

Damn, I can’t believe that my generation is obsoleting.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 9 Comments
July 31, 2009

underaged pirate

My 3 year old daughter has been going around the house lately to ‘claim’ stuff as her’s. So far, she has claimed her writing desk (of course), her book rack, our room door, the dining table, a couple of dining chairs and the wall.

Then yesterday, she came to me, flashed me a quick smile and ‘claimed’ one of my most prized possessions…
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 7 Comments
July 20, 2009

singular and plural

My wife and I have been trying hard to teach our 3 year old daughter the difference between singular and plural. You know, one bird, many birds.. shit like that. You know how difficult it is. But for Regine, it is simply by conveniently adding an ‘s’ to a word to make it plural.

Yesterday, Emily was making a remark about a horse on a TV program and Regine heard her. With the same corrective tone and expression she learned from her mother, she was quick to correct the ‘mistake’…

“Mommy, only ONE. You don’t say ‘horse’. You say ‘whore’. Say it.”

Apparently, my daughter thought the ‘s’ in ‘horse’ is the marker of a plural word (she actually pronounced ‘horse’ as ‘whores’)… So, naturally, the singular of ‘horse’ should be ‘whore’. You know, she would have been right if she’s actually referring to a real prostitute there… but that’s just overly optimistic…

*smacks head*

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 6 Comments