Archive for the ‘3-of-us’ Category

April 20, 2006

requirements for dating Uncle Michael’s daughter

The prerequisite requirements for dating Uncle Michael’s daughter:

– A reader of of minimum 3 years, or commented there for at least 200 times with intelligent questions/remarks – whichever comes first. (subject will be randomly asked with questions pertaining archived entries for verification)

– The first time and every time you see Uncle Michael, you must pay royalty in the form of alcoholic beverage in 1 liter packaging. If the liquor is contraband or of counterfeit quality, you’ll be banned indefinitely from seeing his daughter

– You’ll have to declare any outing/date one week in advance, where you’ll also be required to register your personal details (residence address, academic history, place of employment, etc) with Uncle Michael. Uncle Michael will use that one week buffer period to verify your facts. If any of the declaration is found to be bogus, you can start look for another date.

– Any time you would like to bring Uncle Michael’s daughter out to anywhere, you’re required to leave your passport.. AND… something of significant value as mortgage at his residence (eg. your notebook, your expensive watch, your pet dog, etc)

– You’re required to bring Uncle Michael’s daughter home, safe and sound, before midnight. If you’re late for more than 5 minutes, Uncle Michael’s gonna torch your mortgage item. More than 10 minutes, your passport will be destroyed. More than 15 minutes, Uncle Michael’s gonna molotov cocktail your bike/car the next morning.

– Uncle Michael will be operating a toll inside/near his residence. A toll that charges exorbitant price to cover the painstaking years of raising his daughter. You are required to pay for the toll charges with no question asked. If you fail to pay, or attempt to bargain, you can start look for another date.

– Uncle Michael will probably rear a very mean dog. If Uncle Michael’s dog doesn’t like you, you’ll have to bring his daughter home 1 hour before the stipulated curfew hour and pay double the required exorbitant toll fee (to insure against your lack of charm and build up Uncle Michael’s confidence)

– If you ever hurt Uncle Michael’s daughter’s feelings or make her sad, Uncle Michael’s gonna make his mean dog hurt your bunghole in return, and make you an even more sad motherfucker.

*I’ll update the list when I can think of more

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 33 Comments
April 10, 2006

naming the kid

One of the things that I have been anticipating all my life is to name my own kid. You know, to bestow her a nice and pretty name that she will be most glad to carry throughout her own life. Unlike what her father had to go through…

As a teenager, I always fretted at how my Chinese name sounded like. I couldn’t help but wondered who was the raunchy twerp that gave me this name… that made me suffer countless ridicule and given distasteful nicks by my friends and classmates due to its oddity…

“It’s your grandfather. Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault.” – that was what mom said.

Yeah, that was so wise of their lazy ass to let the old man name me. Kaninabeh!

The only thing good about my Chinese name (which I ain’t gonna reveal here…), is that it carries a very good meaning (in Chinese – it means ‘a healthy world’) and I am sure that there will be no duplicate of it on this planet. But that’s not the whole point. Like, you can name someone a meaningful name after a prehistoric sea cucumber… I’m sure it’ll be unique too. The key idea should be, how acceptable it is to the public. How easy it is to be pronounced without pricking a nerve or two. Shits like that.

That’s why I adopted myself the common name “Michael” a little later when I began schooling – apparently, I wasn’t very confident with how people handle my real name.

That’s why, I feel so compelled not to let this happen to my own kid. I’m gonna make sure she is going to be given a tasteful name… scrutinized right to every detail, so as not to conflict with anything at all. It would be really disconcerting to see my own kid fret at her own name later on when she reaches puberty… and adopt a name herself which goes something like p00hb34r^__^…. or perhaps PinkVulva69. (who knows what the future holds?)

Right now, we have gone to quite a definitive stage already. She’s going to be named as ‘Regine Ooi’, that’s for sure. And Emily’s in the midst of selecting the baby’s Chinese name… which will be based on the meanings that they carry. For me, it’s not so important about what a person’s name mean… what is more important to me, is that it’s simple enough, yet not too common (like Ah Seng or Ah Lian). But it was the elders who wanted the kid to have a name with an auspicious meaning… which I have no choice but to play along. (I’m acting as the final gate on whatever name that Emily and her cohorts of anal-retentive traditionalists manage to come up with…)

At the moment, we’re indecisive between “morning warmth” and “dual core microprocessor” (kidding bout the latter one, I’ve actually forgotten the meaning…).

Hilarious names that I had came across :
– there was a school teacher in my secondary year that went by the name “Lim Kam Chooi” (in Hokkien, it phonetically means “drink orange juice”)
– another school teacher, with the first name as “King Kong”
– there was this infamous Malaysian who got an erratic speeding ticket at 773 kph – his name is “New Ching Shit”. (this must be some kind of prank by the then NRD officer…)
– many more (which I’ve forgotten…)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 15 Comments
April 6, 2006


When I learned that I’m gonna be a father soon, the first thing that came into my mind was the picture of an inquisitive kid who asks “why this why that” all the time – a progeny of a profoundly quick-witted and exceptionally bright person (that’s me). Just like me when I was a kid.

I was a curious kid alright. Impeded with the fact that my mom wasn’t the knowledgeable kind and it was the prehistoric era prior the invention of internet, I mostly gratified my curiosity through my own acute observations. But for some of them, I had to actually ask my mom about it (that’s because the breadwinner’s always out there somewhere winning breads, bah!). I remember one of them being the ultimate question about conceiving babies:

“Mom, how does a man and a woman conceive a baby?”. I was only 6 or so… I think.

“Son, it happens when a man and a woman sleeps together.”

“How is that possible?”

“You see, at night… when all’s quiet and still, there will be these little worms crawling out from a man’s kukuciao, and eventually they’ll make their way into a woman’s stomach through the mouth. From there, one of the worms will settle down and turn into a baby.”

“[gasp!] EWWWWWWHHHHH!!!!! So babies were originated from worms???”

Conceiving babies is nothing of that sort, so I later found, although what she explained could be my first nebulous knowledge about girls-who-swallow… But that was the understanding I carried with me through a portion of my prepubescent life, until I started elementary schooling.

I do not know why my mom refused to impart the truth to me at that time. Probably feared that I might not be able to handle it (like, I might go around making babies out of every decent parents’ daughter?). But she could have shunned me off by yelling “shut up”… that would be a better alternative than infusing me with a bogus fact.

And that was probably why I decided to model my parenting style against mom’s. I’m gonna be all honest about everything and not to avoid my kid’s inquiries (I’m gonna try, yeah). We’re in the 21st century now, and it’s not very hard to learn about things that you’re not suppose to know… so why not veer the kid into the correct direction instead? If you can’t prevent it, then control it.

The only problem with this approach is probably if I’m good enough for this. Will I be acquainted enough to quench a 21st century kid’s thirst for knowledge? At the moment, maybe yes. But I’m not so sure in a few years’ time. Who knows what the chlorine in our water and old age would do to my brain then? I’d be so intoxicated with synthetic chemicals (from the shaving cream, detergents, food, pollutions, etc) that I probably won’t even have the aptitude to sound coherent at all.

Perhaps I should just blog everything out, so that each time my kid asks me a question and I’m not in the shape to answer him/her, I’d just conveniently point him/her to and read everything by him/herself. (and hey, if YOUR kid wants to know what Uncle Michael’s kid learn at home, you can hover over to his family-blog too).

I guess I’ll just do that. Yes I’m gonna do that.
(now if you’re worried about your kid being exposed to expletives and profanities in this blog, rest assured, it’s not going to be an issue. Like, if your kid’s able to reach my blog through the internet with ease, what makes you think he/she won’t stumble into something even more sinister than my 62% site? Like an online bestiality movement or something? Just an idea, that you should probably be worried about something more significant…)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 13 Comments
March 29, 2006

the beginning of everything

That’s the ultrasound printout of somebody important in my life – my kid. Yes, Emily is currently a happy expecting mother now… (Wheeee!!!)

Here’s the breakdown of what’s on the ultrasound printout, in case you people do not know what you’re looking at:

1 – Presumably, this is a USB modem that is connected to Emily’s placenta wall to communicate with the outside world. But it might be just an ordinary dial-up modem, I’m not too sure.

2 – Motorcycle helmet complete with sleek visor and aerodynamic design

3 – The top planar view of the afore said helmet

4 – A bluetooth-capable 3G cellphone with 2MB built-in camera for superior voyeur photo snapping (underskirts, downblouse, etc)

Alright, the fact is, I myself have no clue how the whole thing goes. As hard as I’ve tried to decipher the anatomy, I only managed to make out the head and one of the limbs of the fetus… and that’s about it. The doctor tried to scan for the kukuciao (dick), but that little guy (girl?) had his/her thigh clamped shut, and we couldn’t make out the gender yet.

But whatever the gender is gonna be, I’ve already got myself prepared to give this stranger a name:

Nigel – if it’s a boy.
Regine – if it’s a girl.

Hopefully, we’ll find out about that in the next scan.

Some of you would probably ask what happened to the first kid that I elatedly announced earlier. Well, ‘he’ didn’t make it (assuming he’s a boy).

Back then, Emily’s pregnancy triggered her SLE to flare out and she was hit with a severe case of pneumonia. She fought for her own life and the priority was set to save the adult. And hence, she was given with heaps of medications that could affect the fetus… and finally, my family (with the advice of doctors), made a unanimous decision to terminate the pregnancy.

That was one of the most difficult period of my adult life. (I’ve dedicated a couple of entries about it here and here)

But anyway, now that Emily’s well again, we’ve been making out like rabbits and got ourselves this gift of life again. With the constant monitoring from her doctors, she’s now bound to deliver the baby in mid of June.

Hopefully, everything will be alright this time. *fingers crossed*

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 75 Comments